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9/13 WWE Raw Report: Mallory's "Virtual Time" Alternative Perspective Coverage

Sep 13, 2004 - 10:13:00 PM
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By Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor



WWE Raw "Virtual Time" Alternative Perspective Coverage
September 13, 2004
Live from Seattle, Washington
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mallory Mahling, Torch Team Contributor


Ongoing Alternative Perspective Review of the Show

Raw was live tonight from the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington.

Quarter Hour 1

Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler welcomed viewers to the show.

The ring was festively decorated with a red carpet, a huge cake, and a few bimbettes. Ric Flair introduced the nine-time World Heavyweight Champion, Triple H, who came out to a shower of confetti and streamers. He was basking in the glory and squeezing one of the blondes rather tightly. She had attached herself to him like velcro. (Wonder where the missus was and if she had a frying pan ready to go upside hubby's head?)

Triple H asked the crowd if they could feel the excitement in the air. "The King is back on his throne," he boasted. "The Big Dog, the King of Kings." Flair bowed to him and when the ladies tried, Triple H said there would be plenty of time for getting on their knees.

Triple H mentioned the spit heard round the world, and the crowd started an "RKO" chant. Trips said he'd had the last laugh. But now he wanted to party and started by peeling off his shirt and squeezing more of the ho's. Triple H looked at the huge large cake and figured someone must be inside of it. Flair and Batista said they hadn't arranged for anyone to pop out of a cake. Uh oh.

The cake exploded and who should pop out but Randy Orton. His fists were flying, then he picked up the title belt, clocked Triple H with it, and the champ fell inside the cake. A rather undignified Triple H was left with his legs sticking out of the cake, as Randy Orton enjoyed the sweet taste of revenge.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 2

During the break, Triple H had crawled out of the cake and slipped all over the mess in the ring.

In the General Manager's office, a frosting-covered Triple H demanded that Bischoff do something about Orton. Bischoff agreed and said tonight would be Randy Orton vs. Evolution in a 3-on-1 handicap match.

(1) Chris Benoit (w/William Regal) over Robert Conway (w/Sylvain Grenier). Benoit dominated the early part of the match and nearly had Conway in a Sharpshooter. Loud "USA" chant from the crowd. Conway stomped Benoit, but Conway soon found himself on the receiving end of Benoit's stiff chops. Conway worked on Benoit's neck. The match spilled to the outside and the two traded chops. Pinning attempt by Conway, who was not intimidated by the Rabid Wolverine. Solar block by Benoit and some interference from Grenier, which Regal broke up. Benoit started chopping Conway in the corner again. Back body drop, followed by a series of German Suplexes by Benoit. The Crippler Crossface was next and Conway tapped out.

(Commercial break) (Wednesday, September 29, John Bradshaw Layfield and Mick Foley will face off to debate political issues.)

Quarter Hour 3

Stacy Keibler headed to the ring to get the Diva Search Seattle Slugfest underway. She called for the Diva Neverbes to come out, but Molly Holly came out instead.

Molly said she'd told the "Wannabes to stay in the back." She said it was pathetic that they were getting all the airtime instead of a real diva such as herself. Molly challenged Stacy to a match of her choice. Stacy chose a dance-off.

That was fine with Molly. She did a ballet dance to William Regal's theme song. A klutzy ballet dance. The crowd booed her.

Stacy smirked and asked for some music and she shimmied around the ring to the delight of the males in the audience.

Molly had seen enough and attacked Stacy. Nidia came out to make the save. Gail Kim joined the party, followed by Victoria. Trish came out, too, and Victoria flattened her just as she had Gail and Molly.

Bischoff came on the TitanTron (with his suit jacket smeared with frosting) and said there would be a six-woman tag match coming up next.

(Commercial break)

(2) Stacy Keibler, Nidia, & Victoria over Molly Holly, Gail Kim & Trish Stratus. The match had started during the break. It was what it was--an opportunity to display boobs and behinds--and not up to the usual level of the women's matches. Nidia, Victoria and Stacy won.

Kane barged into Bischoff's office to complain that his "bitch wife" had cost him his match with Shawn Michaels. Kane said he wanted Shawn Michaels in the ring tonight. Bischoff said Michaels was already booked for tonight. "How about another night?" suggested Bischoff. Kane didn't like that idea. Bischoff finally talked him into meeting someone else in the ring with a no DQ stipulation.

(Commercial break) (WrestleMania 21 tickets go on sale September 25.)

It was time for the Highlight Reel and Chris Jericho's guest was Shawn Michaels. Jericho came out and talked about his Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Title last night. He mentioned his "steel enema" when he'd landed awkwardly on the ladder.

Jericho then introduced Shawn Michaels, who got a tremendous pop from the crowd.

Jericho said it was great to have Michaels back on Raw and it had been great to see him get the victory over Kane last night.

Michaels said he'd beaten Kane "ugly" and it was a gratifying win.

Jericho said while it was awesome, it wasn't as awesome has his own win last night.

Michaels suggested a match tonight for the Intercontinental Championship.

That brought Christian and Tyson Tomko out to object. Christian started talking about the former tag team wrestler who'd gone out on his own and eventually hired a bodyguard. That brought back fond memories of Marty Jannetty and Diesel. However, Christian clarified that he was talking about himself. If anyone deserved a shot at the IC Title, he said, it was Captain Charisma.

That was fine with Michaels, he'd be happy to take on Christian tonight.

Jericho walked around ringside, "polling" the audience and determined that they wanted to see Jericho and Michaels vs. Christian and Tomko tonight. A referee came out and the Highlight Reel set was being dismantled as the show went to commercial.

(Commercial break)

(3) Chris Jericho & Shawn Michaels over Christian & Tyson Tomko. The match had started during the break. Good action...from three of the four participants. Nice moves by Michaels to get Tomko off his feet. Tomko came back with a clothesline. Christian tagged in and picked up where Tomko left off on Michaels. Hot tag to Jericho, who cleaned house, then he and Michaels flawlessly sent Christian and Tomko to the outside.

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 5

Back from commercial, Christian and Tomko were in control. During the break Christian had bounced Jericho's head off the ropes. While the referee was distracted, Tomko tried to choke Jericho. Jericho side-stepped a takedown by Christian, and Michaels was itching to get back into the action. He tagged in and dropped an elbow on Tomko. He started tuning up for the Sweet Chin Music, but Christian posted him when the ref's back was turned. Christian started to go after Michaels with the title belt, but Jericho blocked his path. Michaels then outfoxed Tomko and pinned him for the win.

Christian shoved Michaels to the outside and gave him an Unprettier on the hard, cold floor. "You suck," the crowd told him.

(Commercial break)

Simon Dean did an "infomercial." How many people do you suppose called the number on the screen to order his Simon System?

Coach was in the ring and you know what that meant--Diva Wannabes in boxing gloves. Joy was eliminated (what a surprise), then they got down to business. If neither was knocked out in two minutes, the crowd would vote on the winner. They put on their over-sized boxing gloves, but before the match could start, Mister McMahon waddled strutted to the ring.

Mister McMahon said next week would be the season premier of Raw. He would have groundbreaking announcements concerning Eric Bischoff and the Raw roster. But that would be next week.

Tonight he had a message for Coach. There had been a change in plans for the Seattle Slugfest--Christy and Carmella would beat the hell out of Coach, not each other. He warned Coach not to move or else he'd hear the words "You're firrrrrrrrrred!"

Christy was first and absolutely mauled Coach, and even bit him. (J.R. said Coach would need a shot for that.) Carmella was next, and she pummeled him pretty good, too. Christy was deemed the winner of the match. Tune in next week to see which of them wins the quarter of a million dollars.

Backstage, Kane was yanking Lita to the ring by her arm.

(Commercial break)

J.R. updated the audience on Eugene's condition, which he described as a severely separated shoulder.

(4) Kane vs. Gene Snitski. Can you say squash? Snitski got in a low blow, but it only made Kane madder. Kane got a folding chair and wedged Snitski's head in it. Lita pulled the chair off and while she and Kane argued, Snitski charged Kane with the chair. Kane fell atop Lita and she clutched her stomach and began moaning in pain. Medics rushed out to help her.

(Commercial break) (M-Azing candy bars are eaten by idiots who play Pushme-Pullyou on the job.)

Back from commercial, Lita was being stretchered out and J.R. said it was tragic.

Smackdown Rebound: Angle met Eddie in a lumberjack match; Bigger Show returned as a one-man wrecking crew.

Lita was being placed in an ambulance, with Kane assuring her everything would be alright. He climbed inside, and it sped off to a "medical facility."

(Commercial break)

Quarter Hour 9

(5) Handicap Match: Randy Orton over Triple H, Ric Flair, & Batista. As Orton got in the ring, Flair was immediately on the attack. Orton seemed to be holding his own early in the match and even reversed a Pedigree. When Orton went for an RKO, Batista stopped it. The ref called for the bell, as Evolution began a beat down on their former member. Suddenly, the returning Shelton Benjamin ran out, followed by Chris Benoit, making the match 3-on-3. Benoit and Benjamin both came off the top rope and landed on Batista, then Orton gave him an RKO for the coupe de gras and the pin. Good prevailed over evil.

***

I love feedback and you can reach me at mallory_m_@hotmail.com. See you in The Lounge on Saturday.




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