TV REPORTS 9/9 WWE Smackdown review: Keller's ongoing "virtual time" analysis of broadcast
Sep 9, 2004 - 9:00:00 PM
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By Wade Keller, Torch editor
SEPTEMBER 9, 2004
TAPED TUESDAY IN TULSA, OKLA.
-Teddy Long introduced the show and announced Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero in a rematch this week with lumberjack stips.
-Michael Cole and Tazz introduced the show.
1 -- JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD (w/Orlando Jordan) vs. CHARLIE HAAS (w/Miss Jackie)
In the end, Jordan went after Jackie at ringside. Haas, after showing some near falls on Bradshaw and with momentum, turned to yell at Jordan. JBL then surprised Haas with a Clothesline from Hell for the win.
WINNER: JBL at 5:04.
STAR RATING: 1/2*
-Afterward, Bradshaw gave a long promo. He said he has proven he is a good investment. He said since he has become champion, the economy has recovered. He said he is unbeatable. He then turned to discussing Undertaker, stating that he was going to hold a funeral for him. A hearse drove out. He said, "I've always wanted to say this. Rest in peace!" Then Long came out and said there wouldn't be any funerals on his program. He said he did give him a good idea. He said he was booking JBL vs. Undertaker at the next PPV in a hearse match where the loser would be the first to be shoved into the hearse. JBL got bug-eyed. Long said the title would be on the line.
-Another Caribbean Cool vignette aired.
2 -- PAUL LONDON & BILLY KIDMAN vs. KENZO SUZUKI & RENE DUPREE -- WWE Tag Team Title match
London and Kidman fired away at Suzuki and Dupree with a variety of double-team moves. At 3:00 he had Suzuki down and went to the top rope for the Shooting Star Press. He again hesitated and then jumped to the mat. Kidman tagged in London, then grabbed as his head in frustration with himself. London turned to shout at Kidman. Meanwhile, Suzuki recovered enough to get to his feet. London took him down with a dropkick. Kidman began returning to the ring, but then turned and walked out. London yelled, "Where are you going!" They cut to a break. Now, in my view, that would be the worst time to cut away to a commercial. London is left alone in the ring against two opponents with his back turned to them. It just seems like something would likely happen meaningful at that moment.
After the break, Suzuki and Dupree beat up London for a couple of minutes and then Kenzo finished him off.
WINNERS: Suzuki & Dupree at 10:00 (est. due to commercial break edit) to capture the WWE Tag Team Titles.
-A vignette aired hyping the return of Big Show.
STAR RATING: *3/4
-They went backstage where London confronted Kidman, who was packing his bags. London demanded an explanation and told him they just lost the tag titles. Kidman said he had nothing to say. London's head was ready to explode with frustration.
-Long approached Booker T backstage and told him he better change out of his clothes (dress code worthy) because he's going to be a lumberjack and John Cena might rip off his nice shirt.
3 -- SPIKE & D-VON & BUBBA RAY DUDLEY vs. REY MYSTERIO & ROB VAN DAM & HARDCORE HOLLY
This began as a singles match. Spike attacked Rey at the start. When Rey made a comeback, Bubba and D-Von interfered. Hardcore Holly and Rob Van Dam made the save. The ref turned it into a six-man tag match at 2:00. RVD took a beating for a while and suffered a bloody nose, but he began a comeback at 7:00. He hit Bubba in the ring with a wheel kick and a Five-Star Frog Splash, then flipped onto D-Von at ringside. Then Holly gave Spike an Alabama Slam. Mysterio then Dropped the Dime with a springboard legdrop for the win.
WINNERS: Mysterio & Holly & RVD at 8:01.
STAR RATING: ** -- Good six-man TV match.
-Josh Matthews interviewed Kurt Angle backstage. Angle complained about being put in a lumberjack rematch after he decisively beat Eddie Guerrero last week in a best of three falls match. Matthews said it was controversial. Angle said it was in the record book. He asked Matthews if he had his record book with him. Matthews said, "No with me." Angle asked what kind of announcer doesn't carry the record book with him Funny stuff.
-John Cena cut a center-ring promo making a bunch of gay jokes at Booker T's expense, implying that he is a little too excited about wrestling him from behind, that he asked him out for dinner and a movie, and that he had chapped lips.
-Cole and Tazz said the deadline for the new Tough Enough contest has been moved back to Sept. 22 due to "overwhelming response." That's backwards. If there's overwhelming response, what's the point in extending the deadline? They got what they need. Just take an extra week to go through the avalanche of tapes and applications that have been sent in. The last thing WWE wants are people applying to Tough Enough who can't follow a deadline or were iffy about sending in an application.
-A recap aired of last week's Angle vs. Guerrero match.
-Teddy Long told Paul Heyman backstage that since he gave his man Heidenreich the night off, he is going to put him in a match. Heyman shook his head like he couldn't have possibly heard what he heard. He said he isn't a wrestler. Long told him he is going to face a TV announcer. Heyman said, "I'm not going to fight Tazz." Long said not him. Heyman said, "You want the ratings to go up because you want me to slap the head off of that metrosexual." Uh, Josh Matthews is a metrosexual. Michael Cole is a metrosexual wanna be. Cole then came up on the monitor and said, "I can take you out just like that." He called him to the ring. Heyman said he was up for that. Long said, "It's not going to be Michael Cole!" Heyman rushed to the ring, screaming over Long in the process. Cole said, "He better get on a treadmill for a couple of years before he takes me on." And I thought Tony Schiavone pretend to be a wrestler and cut a "bad ass heel promo" on TNA last year was difficult to stomach. Seeing Cole act like a tough guy is obnoxious. "Oh yeah, let go!" said Cole, taking off his watch. Then Funaki ran to the ring and beat up Heyman, pummelling him with punches. Heidenreich quickly entered the ring and gave Funaki a big boot and then his stomach-breaker finisher. Heidenreich then told a shaken Heyman to cover Funaki. Heyman did and counted his own three count. There was no referee, so it hardly counts as an official match. Heidenreich then put Funaki in a cobra clutch. Heyman meanwhile went to ringside and slapped Cole. Cole went after Heyman, but when Heidenreich stepped in, Cole ran away like a squirrel from a dog, running up the stairs through the crowd and into the concourse. Heidenreich just watched from ringside. Fun angle, actually, establishing a Heyman-Cole Seinfeld-Newman type relationship while Heidenreich was further established as a tough guy. Wait until America sees Heidenreich try to do more than execute two or three power moves, though.
-After the break, they showed Michael Cole returning to ringside, looking shaken. He asked if Heidenreich was gone. Tazz said he was. He asked Cole what he said to him so he knew not to say the same thing. I think the lunge toward Cole had more to do with his scuffle with Heidenreich's brain, Paul Heyman, then anything Cole said to him. Cole said if Heidenreich was a lumberjack, he'd be doing commentary alone. When Tazz protested, Cole said, "I carry you ever week, you can handle it alone this one time."
4 -- EDDIE GUERRERO vs. KURT ANGLE -- Lumberjack Match
In the opening minutes they took turns tossing each other to ringside where the lumberjacks swarmed them. They cut to a break at 6:00.
Angle applied an abdominal stretch at 9:30 and used the top rope for leverage. RVD knocked Angle's hand off of the top rope. The babyface lumberjacks all hit the mat to encourage Guerrero to escape. He did with an hip toss and a barrage of punches. Angle returned quickly to a chinlock. Guerrero made a comeback at 14:00, but thanks to Luther Reigns interference, Angle gave Guerrero a top rope superplex. Guerrero kicked out. Guerrero surprised Angle with a victory roll for a near fall. Angle maneuvered into a quick Anklelock attempt. That brought Luther Reigns into the ring. Then Cena charged at him. Big Show's music began and he came to ringside and began beating up everyone at ringside and then inside the ring. Show began tossing wrestlers out of the ring with one arm one after another. He then pressed Spike over his head and threw him onto the Dudleys. He even chokeslammed Cena. He then chokeslammed Angle followed by Reigns. Cole said Big Show showed up two weeks early. They showed Guerrero sitting at ringside, conscious and catching his breath.
WINNER: No contest at 16:00.
STAR RATING: ** -- Nothing special from Angle and Guerrero while the match lasted, and the non-finish doesn't help the star rating, but it made for a memorable spectacle reintroduction for Big Show.
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