TV REPORTS 8/28 WWE Velocity review: Charlie Haas vs. Rene Dupree, Michael Cole commentary, and more
Aug 29, 2004 - 2:13:00 AM
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Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor
WWE Velocity review
August 28, 2004
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer
It's more rock and roll than Elvis. It's Velocity! And it was taped on my birthday. Love that!
It's intro time! Let's all sing the intro song! ... There, that was fun! The pyro blows, and it's time to send it down to ringside!
(1) Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli and Nunzio (The FBI, The Full Blooded Italians) defeated Doug Basham and Danny Basham (The Basham Brothers) when Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli pinned Doug Basham at 6:12.
Pre-Match Analysis: Oh God. Oh dear God. Michael Cole is on commentary. This show is already sucking my will to live. Anyways, the Full Blooded Italians came out to the ring, followed by the Boring Brothers. What, what did I say? I swear, if Josh Matthews isn't back next week, I'm going to lose my mind. In fact, I just may lose it tonight.
Match Analysis: Danny and Stamboli started things off. Stamboli was wearing lime green tights? What? Anyways, they locked up, and Stamboli kept taking down Danny by the left arm. He followed up with a drop toehold, moving through a series of offense into an armbar, twisting it around, and tagging in Nunzio. Nunzio jumped off the second rope for, as Bill DeMott said, no apparent reason. Stamboli tried to stop them, but the Bashams came in for the double team on Nunzio. Doug tagged in, and both Bashams hit double fisted clubbing blows to Nunzio's back, three times. Doug went for the cover for a short count. Doug worked on Nunzio with knees in the ropes, followed by an Irish whip into the corner. Doug applied a backbreaker submission on Nunzio. Nunzio kicked Doug in the head twice to get out of the hold. Doug moved into a headlock, but Nunzio moved out of it and hit a forearm shiver. Nunzio wanted to go for the tag and hit several forearms to try to get away from Doug, but Doug held on to Nunzio's wrist. Doug suplexed Nunzio and tagged in Danny, who hit a nice spinning suplex on Nunzio into a cover for two. Danny applied a bearhug as Nunzio desperately reached for his corner. Stamboli reached out as well, eager to get into the match, bouncing on the apron. Nunzio finally tried to get out with right hooks to Danny's head, but Danny threw Nunzio over the ropes to the apron, then into the steel post, sending Nunzio to the floor. Stamboli went over to check on his partner, and slapped him around to try to wake him up. The ten count continued, and Stamboli tried to slap around Nunzio some more. Doug threw Nunzio into the ring for some reason, into a cover from Danny, but Nunzio kicked out. Danny tagged in Doug, who went for a top rope legdrop, but Nunzio rolled out of the way as Doug hilariously held his butt in pain, sheer pain! Doug grabbed Nunzio's leg, but Nunzio leaped free to tag in Stamboli for the hot tag, taking it to both Bashams, including his signature spinebuster on Doug into a hook of the leg for a two count. Danny hit a knee to Stamboli's back, allowing Doug to take Stamboli up onto his shoulder. Stamboli reversed out, knocked Danny to the outside, and rolled Doug up for the three count!
DeMott's Turning Point: The idiot Bashams rolling in Nunzio instead of getting the win via countout.
Match Grade: B-. A solid match, but the heel Bashams refusing to win via countout was ridiculous. The announcers tried to make some lame excuses about how intense this feud is, but really, that was a turn off the brain moment. Still, some nice work from both men, and one of the better matches I've seen out of the Bashams in a long time. Not even a hint of the switcharoo, and that's a good thing in my book!
Tonight: Bubba Ray Dudley versus Hardcore Holly. Spike and D-Von will be with Bubba, and Billy Gunn will be with Hardcore.
Tonight: Charlie Haas versus Rene Dupree! It's Former Tag Team Members Gone Wild!
Promo time: A promo aired for the million dollar Tough Enough. That's a lotta shamola.
Commercial break: I don't care how good it is, you shouldn't sound like you're having an orgasm while eating a Milky Way. That's just wrong. But not as wrong as Michael Cole's commentary.
Smackdown last Thursday: We had John Cena Versus Booker T 2: Electric Boogaloo. It was the second match of the best of five series, and John Cena was already up one match. Yeah, Cena up one match over the heel in this feud, Booker T. That makes sense. No, wait, it doesn't. Anyways, they had an OK match. Cena went for all his signature moves, including playing to the crowd way too much. Still, I can't help but pop for the "You can't see me!" hand motion. Cena pumped it up and went for the FU, but Booker T reversed out, and ended up rolling up John Cena with leverage from his feet on the ropes. So, apparently, Booker T can't beat Cena without his feet on the ropes. Great way to make credible heels, WWE. Nice job. You should be reeeeeeal proud of yourselves. End sarcasm here.
This Thursday: Match #3 highlights of Booker T versus John Cena, which took place Friday night in Australia. Do you want to know who won? Huh? Do ya? Well too bad! Watch Smackdown or go read the spoilers or something.
Smackdown This Week: 2 out of 3 falls, Eddie Guerrero versus Kurt Angle, with Luther Reigns? That is going to be off the chain!
Up next: Charlie Haas vs. Rene Dupree. Fifi versus Miss Jackie? Now that's a real bitch fight! What? Fifi's a female dog, right?
Promo time: Yes, Smackdown is coming live to an arena near you! Wait, you live in Luxembourg? Ummm, never mind.
Commercial break: That baby bird commercial for Skittles is just plain creepy. And he's a grown man! What, is he just living in his own filth, and giant bird filth, in that nest? Disgusting.
Local promo time: Yes friends, Raw is coming to my very own Seattle. But it's also the finale of the Raw Diva Search. To go, or not to go? That is the question.
WWE Sting of the Night: Josh Matthews used the word "hype" when referring to Heidenreich, managed by Paul Heyman, so Heidenreich absolutely murderized Josh Matthews, which is why we're stuck with Michael Sucks-a-lot. Heyman got on the mic afterwards, and said "That's not hype. That's Heidenreich!" God, I love Paul Heyman. I love that Michael Cole said that Josh has physical and emotional trauma. Yeah, I'm sure his hurt feelings are the worst part.
(2) Rene Dupree (with Fifi) defeated Charlie Haas (with Miss Jackie) at 5:03.
Pre-Match Analysis: Rene Dupree made his way to the ring, in a red robe. How regal! Er, not the wrestler. As in, royal. And it's Black Fifi this week! Charlie Haas came out next, accompanied by the ridiculously hot Miss Jackie. People sometimes ask why I believe in God. Bodies like Miss Jackie's have got to be solid proof. Oh, snap! Michael Cole said that Heidenreich is going to be on Velocity soon! Ouch.
Match Analysis: Haas and Dupree locked up early. Haas used a series of amateur wrestling holds, rolling around the mat with Dupree as the audience went into U... S... A chants! There was a break in the ropes, but Haas re-applied a mat hold, working on Dupree's left arm. Dupree fought out, but Haas armdragged Dupree back into the submission as Miss Jackie started more USA chants. Haas went back into the arm submission, standing, but Dupree fought out, sending Haas into the turnbuckle. Dupree hung up Haas, neck first, on the top rope, which Cole identified as a turning point. Dupree worked on Haas on the mat, before choking him with his leg in the ropes, followed by a rake to the face before the break. Dupree hit Haas in the chest, before moving into a shoulder block in the corner, almost using the shoulder block as a submission by keeping the pressure on Haas. Dupree went for the same move again, but Haas fought out. Dupree took Haas to the mat, and hit a Throwback like maneuver on Haas. Dupree did the French Tickler, looking toward Miss Jackie on the outside, but it allowed Haas to take down Dupree from behind. Dupree took Haas down again and Dupree went after Miss Jackie on the outside. Haas tried to stop him as Dupree grabbed Miss Jackie's hair, but Dupree turned and took Haas down before rolling him into the ring, into a pincover for two. Haas hit a jawbreaker, followed by a big back body drop and an inverted atomic drop. Haas kept up the offense, into an exploder suplex for a two count. Haas rammed Dupree into the turnbuckle, followed by a big running shoulder block. Dupree hit Haas in the gut and went for a neckbreaker, but Haas countered into a neckbreaker of his own. Haas covered, but Dupree kicked out. Dupree with a go behind, go behind from Haas. Haas rolled up Dupree, but Dupree rolled through and grabbed the tights for the pinfall victory. Cole acted ridiculously over-the-top offended about Dupree cheating to win. You like it when Eddie does it though, right, Cole?
Match Grade: B-. Another decent match. Not spectacular, but not bad, and better than your average Smackdown TV match. Plus, due to their contention in the U.S. Title division, you could argue that there's some background behind this feud, as Bill and Cole did. It would be a pretty weak argument, but an argument nonetheless. Side note: During this match, they talked about Chavo's concussion and provided an injury update, but they said that he would be back on Smackdown.
Tonight: Bubba Ray Dudley versus Hardcore Holly. Bill DeMott pointed out that this match is unlikely to be truly one-on-one.
Commercial break: Dave Chappelle is going to be performing at the 2004 MTV Video Music Awards Sunday night. He's not hosting though, as there's no host this year. It will be interesting to see if that's a train wreck or if the new format works out.
Promo time: We saw a brief recap of the Raw Diva Search segment involving the Rock and pie eating. Just remember: Only three more weeks!
Promo time: Carlito Caribbean Cool's promo runs again, and I still think that name is one of the lamest things ever. Triple C looks a bit too much like American-almost-Idol Justin Guarini for my tastes.
(3) Mark Jindrak defeated Sho Funaki at 3:35.
Pre-Match Analysis: Holy crap, Michael Cole just pointed out the same thing about Carlito Guarini! I'm thinking like Michael Cole! Nooooooo! Well, Mark Jindrak made his way out, but he wasn't wearing the Cape Of Conceit. Wassupwitdat? And it's time for the Mark Jidnrak squash! Apparently, the mirror is named "Abacus" according to Bill DeMott, as Jindrak posed in the mirror. I hate to say it, but Cole's commentary hasn't actually been nearly as bad as it used to be when doing B show fill-in duty. Funaki made his way out next. He's screwed.
Match Analysis: Funaki and Jindrak locked up, but Jindrak took Funaki down quickly and talked trash. Jindrak and Funaki locked up again, as Jindrak took Funaki into the corner and continued to talk trash. Funaki ducked under a left hand and went for some offense, and Funaki momentarily took control, hitting a pair of armdrags. Jindrak quickly took re-possession of this match, taking Funaki down and generally laying in a beating, including boots to Funaki on the mat and a big left hand to Funaki's face. Jindrak choked Funaki on the mat, using the ropes for extra leverage. Jindrak kept kicking Funaki before picking him up and hitting his high dropkick, into a cover for two. Jindrak put on a mean side headlock while on his knees. Funaki moved to a standing position and started to fight out, but Jindrak hit a big clubbing forearm to take Funaki down again. Jindrak sent Funaki into the corner, but Funaki got his fist up, then got his leg up as Jindrak went there again. Jindrak went to the corner one more time for a crossbody, but Funaki moved out of the way, leaving Jindrak with nothing but turnbuckle. Ouch! Funaki went for one of his finishers, with a pretty sweet setup with the leg over Jindrak's head, but Jindrak fought out. Funaki took Jindrak down with an enzuigiri and the crowd was behind Funaki as Jindrak got up and Funaki hit his bulldog. Funaki jumped up and down in the center of the ring, but Jindrak got up and caught Funaki and hit the Mark of Excellence for the pin and the win! Jindrak talked more trash after the match and went up in the corner to pose for the crowd.
Match Grade: C. Funaki actually got more offense than I thought he would. Still, the Jindrak Squash has gotten old, especially as they make Jindrak blander and blander, taking away his cape, taking away Theodore Long, etc. Here's hoping that they either let him wrestle some competitive matches to help him learn his craft, or they send him down to OVW and off my TV screen.
Promo time: Michael Cole pimped for the million bucks Tough Enough, giving out the address and telling all those adoring fans, or at least the male ones over twenty, to send in their tapes.
Up next: Orlando Jordan had to defend JBL's title against the Undertaker. So unfair.
Commercial break: OK, this Wrangler jeans commercial is pretty hick, but any song about Steve McQueen rules, so that helps make it suck somewhat less.
WWE Rewind: JBL and OJ were in the parking lot and said they should sue Theodore Long for an unsafe work environment. However, Teddy wasn't having it, and said that, since JBL wasn't in any condition to defend his belt, Orlando Jordan would have to do it himself.
Smackdown last Thursday: My little former-Velocityite, Orlando Jordan. He's all grown up! Orlando Jordan got a fair amount of offense, but Undertaker was ready to wrap things up with a chokeslam, followed by a tombstone piledriver. Wasn't that move banned? Well, Taker doesn't care, darn it! He went for the hands over the chest pin, but JBL pulled the ref out of the ring for the DQ. Tony Chimel announced Taker as the winner via DQ, but JBL reminded him that the title can only changes hands via pinfall or submission, which he told the crowd. JBL is still the champ! JBL turned around, and guess who was there? That's right. The Undertaker. He gave JBL an absolutely sick beating, ripping off JBL's backbrace and halo. JBL tried getting away through the ring, but Taker doesn't care about beating a man when he's down, and hit a chokeslam to the injured JBL. You bastard! You killed JBL! Or, at least, he should have. Kind of like Paul Bearer, who's "in the hospital" or something after being buried in cement.
Up next: Bubba. Hardcore. The match no one asked for is up next!
Commercial break: Loads of super duper peachy keen Nintendo Gamecube titles are on the way. Sweetness! Metroid Prime: Echoes, and a new Goldeneye James Bond game! Rock and roll, baby. That's rock and roll.
Promo time: Once again, watch Raw because of the Raw Diva Search. Well, at least these promos have the Rock in them. That's good, right?
Smackdown Throwback!: January 23, 2003, Hollywood Hulk Hogan made his way out to the ring for his big comeback. I bleed red and yellow, brother! I don't think Vince McMahon does, though. Hogan grabbed the mic to address his Maniacs.
(4) Bubba Ray Dudley (with Spike Dudley and D-Von Dudley) defeated Hardcore Holly (with Billy Gunn) at 5:21.
Pre-Match Analysis: Spike, Bubba, and D-Von made their way out to the ring, with Spike stepping out first. Bubba and Spike embraced on their way out. Does Spike get an extra small belt or something? And what about the Raw women? Does Molly need an extra big one to cover that booty? Er, sorry, tangents. Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn made their way out next. Hmmm, they use Hardcore's music, and they actually have a joint video now! Sweet! I swear, could Billy Gunn possibly look any gayer during his entrance pose? Is Hardcore the gimp in this relationship? Er, not that I would know what that is, of course.
Match Analysis: Billy Gunn made some threatening moves toward the two Dudleys on the outside. Hardcore and Bubba stared each other down, moving into a lock-up. Bubba shoved Hardcore in the chest and talked trash, but Hardcore fired back with a big shove of his own, sending Bubba to the mat. Spike cheered on Bubba from the outside. Bubba and Hardcore locked up again, and Bubba took Hardcore into the corner. Bubba tried to hit a clubbing blow, but hit the turnbuckle instead. Hardcore hit two stiff chops to Bubba's chest, which Bubba sold like mad. Hardcore hit another big chop, followed by a right hand. Hardcore Irish whipped Bubba into the opposite turnbuckle, followed by a scoop slam for a short cover. Hardcore went for a side headlock, but Bubba Irish whipped out of it, talked more trash and went for an elbow to Hardcore on the mat, but Hardcore rolled out of the way. Bubba went for his bionic elbow, but Hardcore attacked Bubba in the middle of the execution of the move. Bubba called helplessly for Spike on the outside. Hardcore hit the Alabama Crunch to the, ahem, "midsection." Spike distracted Billy Gunn from ringside and drew him up the ramp, allowing D-Von to grab Hardcore's legs from the outside to take him down, moving Bubba into the dominant position in this match. Bubba applied the surfboard submission, working on Hardcore's back and his surgically repaired neck. Hardcore had some nice facial expressions selling the pain. Hardcore moved to a vertical base, but Bubba nailed Hardcore with a spinebuster for a cover and a two count. Spike and Billy Gunn were back at ringside. Hardcore went for a clothesline, but both men ended up going down as the ref went into the ten count. Bubba got up first, grabbing Hardcore and going for the whip, but Hardcore reversed and hit his sweet standing dropkick, which Cole correctly identified as the best in the business. Gunn and D-Von fought on the outside. Hardcore hit his clothesline off the top rope into the cover, but Spike distracted the ref. Hardcore chased Spike on the outside, then chased him into the ring, but Bubba drilled Hardcore with what looked like a modified shoulder tackle, almost a Pounce, for the cover and the three count and the victory.
They showed a replay of Hardcore chasing Spike on the outside, into the ring and getting taken down by Bubba. Michael Cole said that it was almost like a second turning point of the night, but officially it didn't have any title.
Match Grade: B-. Another nothing spectacular match. Some solid stuff, particularly some great facials in this match, but nothing that made this match a "must see."
Final Show Grade: B-. A down week for Velocity. I almost gave this show a C+, but I ended up going for the benefit of the doubt. Still, not a "must see" show by any means. On the up side, it did have twice as many matches as Raw did. How insane is that? Bubba isn't a big enough star to count as the weekly token main event guy. Hopefully they bring back a real star next week, along with some hot cruiserweight action. Also, I hate to admit it, but Michael Cole did not suck. He wasn't great, but he didn't suck either. What is this, Bizarro World?
Veloci-quotes... Version One-uhhh!
On Josh Matthews' injuries from Heidenreich: Michael Cole: ... Josh Matthews, resting comfortably in his home...
- That lazy bastard. If he's so comfortable, why isn't he at work, darn it?!
Michael Cole: Have you recuperated from Smackdown yet? I mean there were explosions, car crashes, collisions, everything! Bill DeMott: I'm still trying to get over Michael Cole sitting next to me here on Billocity! Cole: Don't blink! Billocity. DeMott: Yes, thank you. Let me ask you this, though: Does this mean now that you're here with me, do I have to start wearing a jacket and tie like Tazz? Cole: No, not yet. DeMott: Thanks. Cole: Hopefully Josh will be back next week. If he isn't-- DeMott: Or maybe Tazz will be here with you next week! (Evil laughter.) Cole: No, that won't happen. You can, you can talk to him about that if you'd like. DeMott: No, Tazz doesn't talk to me too much.
- Billocity. Thank you for setting the right tone for this show and giving me hope for a Joshless evening, Bill. Still, Cole way oversold Smackdown. And something tells me those comments about Tazz are a shoot.
After Michael Cole uses big words and terms like "surrogate" defense: Bill DeMott: I'm not sure I understood a whole lot of what you just said, but what I do understand is this: It didn't take much to set Eddie Guerrero off, and it didn't take much to change Theodore Long's outlook on being General Manager, (Cole: Wow!) and it didn't take much for things to go crazy last week on Smackdown! Michael Cole: Great translation!
- I swear, tonight gave me a whole new respect for Bill DeMott. His work with Cole was actually entertaining. Maybe it's just the way Cole's being produced on Smackdown, but this was some good stuff.
After Cole said that Nunzio was preparing to go to work: Bill DeMott: "Prepares to go to work?" He jumped off the second rope for no apparent reason.
Michael Cole: Glad to be back here on Saturday night! Bill DeMott: You look happy, Cole! I'm glad to see ya! I'm excited. Bill DeMott/Michael Cole! Billocity! Cole: Billocity. I love that. DeMott: That's the name of the show, isn't it? Cole: Isn't there a show on Sunday nights too, that has something to do with that? DeMott: (Completely unenthused.) Oh. That's Heat. Cole: Stevie Night Heat, right? DeMott: Yes! Cole: Right here on Spike TV. DeMott: Yes! Stevie Night Heat and Billocity! See? Things are picking up around here.
- What the... Cole knew about Stevie Night Heat? So he watches Heat? Craziness! Bill no-selling Heat was absolutely priceless.
Michael Cole: Well Bill DeMott, former Tough Enough 2 trainer, correct? Bill DeMott: Tough Enough 3. Cole: 3 trainer, that's right. Chavo was Tough Enough 2. DeMott: Yeah.
- Michael Cole: Making friends and influencing people! Or not.
On the million dollar Tough Enough, after Cole brought it up: Bill DeMott: I knew we were gonna talk about this. (Muttering) Million dollars. Michael Cole: You have a problem with the one million dollar Tough Enough? DeMott: (Stuttering) How long you got for an answer? Cole: We got a couple minutes left in the match. DeMott: Yeah? Is a couple minutes, not too many. A million dollars, a million dollars for Tough Enough! How much am I gonna get to be a trainer on that one? Cole: Probably not much at all. DeMott: There you go.
- Bill DeMott is a bitter, bitter man, and that's why we love him.
As Tony introduced Rene Dupree and Fifi, and after Cole talked about Josh's "emotional" injuries: Michael Cole: You know, Tony Chimel's an absolute idiot. Only Tony would announce the dog Fifi like it was a, a, a partner, or another wrestler, with Rene Dupree. Bill DeMott: That's what he gets paid for. He announces all people in the ring, involved in the match. Fifi's apparently the chaperone of Rene Dupree. Cole: I like how he announced you when you walked out here tonight. DeMott: He didn't announce me at all. Cole: I thought he said "the veteran Bill DeMott." DeMott: You know what? He says that a lot. Emotional? What, what happened emotionally to Josh? How about my emotional state of mind? Cole: What's your emotional state of mind? DeMott: My mind, that now I have a great weekend here with you, and now, maybe next week, Josh is coming back! Cole: Great point! DeMott: How am I gonna handle it?
- I say, it's time for a three man announce team!
Michael Cole: But seriously, Bill, let's talk about this Heidenreich. What about this guy? He seems like he's a loose cannon. Bill DeMott: There's only two words for Heidenreich: Mental... and destruction. Cole: Well, he showed that this past week. But again, he did destroy a 140 pound announcer. DeMott: Yeah, I don't know, how much, to me, that's still hype. He hasn't proven himself yet, but uh, taking an announcer? I don't know if that's a step in the right direction. I'll tell you one announcer he's not gonna get a hold of: Me. Cole: And, I'll run. DeMott: You won't run. You've got Tazz. Cole: Oh. OK. Good. Speaking of Heidenreich, I'm sure he'll be coming to a Velocity show near you, pretty soon! DeMott: I'm sure sooner than you think!
- Ohhhhh, snap!
After Bill calls out Michael Cole for complaining about Chimel announcing Fifi, but not complaining about him announcing Miss Jackie: Michael Cole: Because Miss Jackie is absolutely gorgeous. Bill DeMott: Now that's a pretty poodle!
- "A pretty poodle?" When did Bill DeMott become a character in a '50s B-movie?
On Kenzo Suzuki praising America: Michael Cole: Oh, he's disingenuous, you know that! Bill DeMott: I don't know what that means, but I don't think that he means it. Cole: Right. That's what it means. DeMott: Oh.
- Since when did Michael Cole become a dictionary?
Michael Cole: ... the French phenom, Rene Dupree, much like our audio phenom, Alan! Bill DeMott: Alan's French? Cole: Uh, yeah, sort of. DeMott: The same kind of mannerisms. Cole: Yeah.
- Is this an inside joke or something? Wow, Michael Cole sure doesn't think much of Velocity.
Michael Cole: What exactly is Miss Jackie's role, in, in your estimation, with Charlie Haas? Bill DeMott: Miss Jackie makes sure Charlie wears the same kneepads as he has trunks. Cole: Really. DeMott: That would be my estimation. I mean, you're asking me my, that's my opinion. Cole: Well she plays cheerleader outside the ring for Charlie as well. DeMott: I don't, I don't know too much about that. Playing cheerleader. What she should be doing is distracting Rene and giving Charlie some help. Otherwise, there's no reason for a woman to be out at ringside! Cole: That would be cheating. DeMott: That would be legal as long as she's on the outside of the ring.
-You know that Bill knows about "playing cheerleader," that kinky bastard.
Michael Cole: Rene Dupree doesn't seem too enamored with Miss Jackie. Bill DeMott: What's the, what's the dog's role in this whole thing? Cole: Fifi? It's Rene's pet. DeMott: Yeah? You don't see me with a hamster at the desk, do you? Cole: You have a hamster at home? DeMott: We can't talk about that. Cole: Or a gerbil. Or a gerbil.
- Is Bill DeMott WWE's Richard Gere? Wow, implying that Rene Dupree is gay and that Bill DeMott is a sexual deviant in the same Veloci-quote! Sweet!
After Rene Dupree pulled Miss Jackie's hair: Michael Cole: I tell you, Miss Jackie really must have had her head hurt by that hair pull. Look at her, still holding it. Bill DeMott: Yeah, but you can weave that right back in. Cole: Oh, really? DeMott: Well that's what I hear.
- A weave! Owned!
Michael Cole: Thrilling action, you can only see on Saturday nights, on Velocity! (Sarcastically?) I don't know how Josh contains his excitement every week! Bill DeMott: Well I'll tell you, just about the same way you do! (Laughs.)
- Ouch. Words hurt, Michael Cole. Words hurt.
On Carlito Caribbean Cool: Michael Cole: That guy looks like the guy from American Idol. Bill DeMott: Yeah. Ryan Seacrest.
- Um, no, Justin Guarini. Looks like Bill picked up something from Josh, though! But it's not the same without Josh to yell out "Metrosexual!"
On Mark Jindrak: Michael Cole: What happened to the robe? Bill DeMott: The Cape of Conceit? Cole: Right. DeMott: I think Mark Jindrak's too tired of covering up his body. You see how he looks at himself, then looks at the people like they don't deserve to see him, and, right there, it's just, the people don't deserve it. But, his "Abacus" Cole, "Abacus" is the mirror-- Cole: How do you know this stuff? DeMott: This is my job! Billocity! I follow up! I'm a fountain of misinformation! Wait. I'm a fountain of information. Cole: Right. DeMott: Just misunderstood. Cole: I liked the first one better. DeMott: Thank you.
- It's called "research," Michael Cole. Look it up.
On Funaki: Michael Cole: Well, the more things change, the more things remain the same on Velocity. Here comes Funaki, set to go one-on-one with, uh, Mark Jindrak. Bill DeMott: Now, Funaki could now become the number one announcer again, being that, (clears throat) my partner, Josh, is incapacitated. Cole: Yeah, at the hands of Heidenreich. DeMott: I bet he doesn't even live in Japan. Cole: No, he lives in San Antonio, Texas. Imagine Funaki with a cowboy hat, riding a horse? DeMott: Funaki, on a horse! Cole: And by the way, a big happy birthday goes out to Sho Funaki this week. DeMott: 42 years old! Cole: Noooo. DeMott: Well, in yen. If you translate it, he's like 35. Cole: Oh, OK.
- So that's why Funaki isn't Smackdown's... numba one... announca anymore! Still, I want one of those shirts, darn it!
To Funaki: Mark Jindrak: I'm perfection, you're not!
- Come on, tell me that's not a great catchphrase! Mark, if you're reading this, that's money. I'm telling you.
Michael Cole: You got your tickets yet? Bill DeMott: For? Cole: Your plane tickets, to Sacramento, for Smackdown this week! DeMott: I'm not sure if I'm going. I'm gonna see what Josh is doing. Cole: Oh, you'll be there. You're not going to want to miss Kurt Angle and Eddie Guerrero, best two out of three falls! DeMott: What have the last six matches been? Cole: Eddie Guerrero won at WrestleMania, Kurt Angle won at SummerSlam, this is the rubber match, so to speak! DeMott: Are they gonna shake hands again? Because if they're gonna shake hands, I'm not really too interested.
- Oh dang! Bill, laying the smack down on Smackdown!
Bill DeMott: Then how come Kurt Angle wasn't thrown out of the arena when Theodore Long knew that Kurt Angle baited Eddie Guerrero? Michael Cole: Because Theodore Long wanted to make sure the ratings were good for Smackdown, so he put Kurt Angle in a match against Rey Mysterio. DeMott: Wow. I'm seeing there's a different side of things. Cole: Right. DeMott: You should be here every week! Cole: General Manager Theodore Long is not only concerned about, you know, putting great matches on the air, but he's also concerned about how many great wrestling fans get the opportunity to watch Smackdown every week! DeMott: So you're saying, right now, that Kurt Angle versus Rey Mysterio is the best we could do? Cole: One of the best. DeMott: I agree!
- Ouch again. Dissing on the lack of depth in Smackdown's roster? Insane!
Bill DeMott: Theodore Long's just got a bad attitude in a short amount of time. Michael Cole: Well, wouldn't you, if some guy beat up your 1989 Signature Series Lincoln? DeMott: I wasn't even, I wasn't even driving in 1989. Cole: Yes-- 1989?! You were 35! DeMott: OK, but I lost my license, so I wasn't even driving!
- OK, that gets my award for the line of the night. That seriously busted me up. Priceless!
After Cole brings up Tough Enough again: Bill DeMott: See, you can't leave that alone, can you?
- Get over it, Bill.
On the Smackdown Throwbacks: Michael Cole: I tell you, those Throwbacks bring back some memories of how good Smackdown-- (Long pause.) is. Bill DeMott: You were going to say "used to be." Cole: Is. DeMott: You were going to say "used to be." Cole: No. DeMott: You can say it. Cole: Smackdown is-- DeMott: You can say it on Velocity!
- Oh my gosh, Cole just admitted that Smackdown sucks! This is a truly historic moment.
Michael Cole: So let me get this straight: You do this every week. Bill DeMott: Every week. Cole: You sit here every Saturday night and call Velocity. DeMott: Yes I do. And you're going to join me.
- Oh it's true! Cole on Velocity. Josh on Smackdown! And if you believe that, I've got a bridge I'd love to sell you!
Bill DeMott: Wait a minute, I want to get back to the fact that you don't think you're gonna be here next week with me. Michael Cole: Well, I may well be, Josh may be back. We don't have an update on him as of yet. I'm hoping he'll be back. I've got plans next Saturday night! DeMott: Yeah, you can be with me! Cole: No, I've got to watch Velocity! DeMott: OK.
- OK, that didn't make any sense, but sure guys! And yes, I realize that tonight's Veloci-quotes are the most insane thing ever.
On Spike leading the Dudleys as the new Cruiserweight Champion: Bill DeMott: It's been a setup since the lottery. I'm gonna come out and say it right now. Michael Cole: You mean the draft lottery, where Spike and the Dudleys both came from Raw to Smackdown. DeMott: Yeah, it's a setup. They're brothers. I say it to Josh every week, and now I can say it to you every week! Cole: They're half-brothers. DeMott: What do you mean, "half-brothers?" Cole: They had different moms, but the same dad. DeMott: There's three of them! You can't have three halves. Cole: Well you have three moms. DeMott: Wait a minute. Two different things here, Cole.
- It's a setup, darn it! It was a one-armed man!
On not messing with people, especially Hardcore Holly: Michael Cole: Yeah, just ask Josh! (Laughs.) He's got a good relationship with Hardcore Holly, doesn't he? Bill DeMott: Right now, Josh doesn't have a good relationship with anyone. Cole: What is it about Josh Matthews, that people just-- It's like a magnet for brutality. DeMott: Why would you stand next to a man that's six foot six, and tell him he's just hype? Cole: Well, he was doing his job, I've gotta defend Josh on that point, he's a reporter. He was doing his job. DeMott: But, he did it inside a wrestling ring. Cole: Right. Good point! Maybe, if Josh watches that tape again, he would do things differently. Perhaps ask the question, hand the mic to Paul Heyman, and run. DeMott: Perhaps he'd do it from the 'Tron next time. Cole: Oh, that's a good point, too.
- The 'Tron. That's hip right there. I've got to figure out a way to incorporate that next week.
Michael Cole: Spike Dudley, yelling at his look-a-like, Charles Robinson.
- And hey, Spike and Charles both dated Molly! Only, Charles did it in real life. I think. Or something. That bastard!
Michael Cole: Oh, It's been a-- I'm, I'm drained. I need some coffee. It's been one Hell of a show tonight. Bill DeMott: You mean the physicality? Cole: Just everything about it.
- I'm drained too, Michael. I'm drained too.
Wow, that was something! Until next time, do good works and remember to smile.
Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink fan club, Dusty's Finishers. He also writes regularly on all sorts of fun stuff on his blog, Tap Out. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at email@example.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.
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