Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
August 14, 2004
Taped 8/10/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

It's Sataday, bay-bay! Time to move to the groove with Velocity!

***

The intro provided us with brief glimpses of our idols and idolettes, and the pyro went off, letting us know that it's time for the best hour of wrestling on television, Velocity!

(1) Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly defeated Danny Basham and Doug Basham when Hardcore Holly pinned Danny Basham at 10:15.

Pre-Match Analysis: Billy Gunn starts us off, alongside his tag team partner, Hardcore Holly. I'm sure that Hardcore must love walking out to "I'm an ass man." Josh has on a ridiculously metrosexual shirt, that even has frills all over it. What the... The Basham Brothers came out next, in the blue, boring tights. Billy Gunn had his arm around Hardcore in the corner and they were both smiling in the gayest possible way ever.

Match Analysis: Hardcore started things off against Danny. They locked up, and Hardcore shoved Danny into the corner, choking him with his arm as the ref called for the break. Bill DeMott pointed out that Danny is more timid, while Doug is a more aggressive wrestler. Josh and Bill put over Hardcore's new project, the Nutrition Kitchen in Mobile, Alabama. Hardcore slapped on a side headlock. Danny shoved out of it, and Hardcore came back with a shoulder tackle, into a hip toss from Danny, followed by a couple missed moves from both men into strikes from Danny. Hardcore Irish whipped out, hitting his big dropkick. Hardcore took Danny into the corner to deliver his stiff chops. Danny fell to his knees. Hardcore capitalized with a clubbing blow to the back, into a tag from Billy Gunn in freakin' pink tights. Hardcore held Danny while Billy kicked Danny in the gut. Danny escaped into a tag to Doug. Gunn hit a drop toehold, followed by a series of jabs which Doug sold as making him completely dazed for some reason. Doug went for a sunset flip, but Gunn rolled through and landed a Crash Landing (aka a Styles Clash) on Doug. Gunn sent Doug to the outside. Danny came in to the ring, but Gunn took him down. Gunn was having trouble keeping track of both men, and on the outside, Doug managed to slam Gunn from the apron down onto the steel steps, head first. Hardcore ran over for the save, leading us into the break.

Commercial break: Nike shoes can apparently transform you into an Olympic athlete. Good, because I don't feel like I'm taking enough steroids right now. Oh, wait, that's only the female Olympic athletes.

Danny was in the ring, putting the boots to Gunn. Danny slammed Gunn's head into the turnbuckle as he tagged in Doug, who kept up the attack on the ground. Doug went over and talked crap to Hardcore, as Danny attacked Gunn with a fist from the outside. Gunn hit a boot to Doug in the face. Doug was momentarily dazed, but he managed to hit a jumping leg lariat, into a lateral press pin, but Hardcore broke up the pinfall. Doug tagged in Danny while Doug choked Gunn. Danny stopped Gunn from getting to his corner, into a scoop slam and another tag. Doug went up top and went for a top rope leg drop, or a "super" leg drop according to Josh Matthews, but Gunn rolled out of the way, leaving both men down. Doug got up and tagged in Danny, who tried to stop Gunn from tagging, but Hardcore got the tag, taking it to both of the Bashams, hitting a flurry of offense, including backdrops on both men, followed by a flying clothesline on Danny for a pin cover, but Doug broke it up. Gunn hit his swinging bodyslam on Doug, followed by the Alabama Slam from Hardcore on Danny for the pinfall victory.

Bill DeMott's Turning Point!: Doug Basham missing the top rope legdrop instead of capitalizing earlier when the Bashams were in control.

Match Grade: B-. It was an interesting gambit to start the show off with a two segment match, but it provided a good amount of wrestling to get people into the show, which has to be a good thing. Billy Gunn's jabs totally dazing Doug has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen on Velocity. It was so late '90s, Road Dogg style, that it was laughable. This match wasn't amazing, but it was solid. I wish they would at least make up something for these two teams to be feuding over, since they've been fighting for what feels like forever.

Tonight: Bubba Ray Dudley (with Spike Dudley) versus Scotty 2 Hotty! Yes, Scotty's still employed!

Promo time: Smackdown is coming live to the finest arenas around the country, like... a community center?! What's that about?

Promo time: Apparently the Viva La Diva sweepstakes are still going on. You get a free trip to Seattle, sitting ringside at Raw September 13th as the new Raw diva is crowned! I entered this, so I'm hoping you all lose. Sorry.

Commercial break: Spice up the night with Taco Bell. Because everyone knows that chicks dig guys who eat too much fast food late at night, spilling it all over their shirts their moms bought for them.

WWE Rewind: Smackdown 2 weeks ago, JBL called out the Undertaker but instead was greeted by a mini-Taker. However, the real Taker came out, but Orlando Jordan came and made the save for JBL.

Smackdown last Thursday: Josh Matthews noted that Orlando Jordan was named JBL's new chief of staff. Well, his first official act as chief of staff was to wrestle the Undertaker. Uh oh. We come into things in the middle of the match. OJ hit a low blow to take momentary command of the match, as JBL distracted the referee on the apron. I want a hat like JBL. That's good stuff. Taker regained control, but then OJ rammed Taker into the steel steps on the outside, while JBL cheered him on. Velocity alumnus Orlando Jordan even got a nice nearfall on Taker, followed by an incomplete Rocky Johnson Shuffle. Taker hit the old school flying clothesline, as well as a couple of big splashes and a snake eyes on the turnbuckle. JBL had seen enough, running in and hitting the Clothesline From Hell for the DQ. Jordan kicked Taker after the bell as JBL and OJ made their exit. As they neared the top of the ramp, though, Taker sat up in the ring as Taker's music hit.

Bill and Josh ran down the Undertaker vs. JBL match, after which they put over Rush's "Summertime Blues," the official SummerSlam theme.

Tonight: Bubba Ray Dudley, with little brother Spike, will be taking on Scotty 2 Hotty. Well, I guess not all Velocity main events can be great.

Promo time: The commercial running down the top four matches of SummerSlam plays. This really is a totally loaded show, and I'm hyped up.

Promo time: Watch Raw to vote for the Diva Search. No, we're not going to advertise any matches. Because, you know, you wouldn't want to watch a wrestling show with wrestling on it.

Commercial break: Anacondas is coming soon to a theater near you. This snake magically travels 150 feet per second. Yeah. Right. That makes sense. What, is this snake really the Flash?

(2) Jamie Noble defeated Shannon Moore at 5:31.

Pre-Match Analysis: Jamie Noble, boy! Speaking of which, I heard JBL calling OJ "boy" this past week on Smackdown. I'm sure glad Mr. and Mrs. Oversensitive knew enough not to whine about this one. Eeh... eeh... eeh... eeh... duh-duh-duh-dun. Duh-duh-duh-dun. It's Shannon Moore! That was his music. What, you couldn't tell? Darn. One on one cruiser match? Love that! Still, does Shannon Moore really need that goofy, unexplained "2 B ME" slogan on his tights now?

Match Analysis: Noble and Moore were apparently going for a test of strength, but Noble hit a drop toehold. Both men applied submissions, with a series of quick reversals, including a sweet cartwheel from Noble into a Japanese suplex. Bill DeMott put over Jamie Noble as, pound for pound, the best technical wrestler in WWE, as well as one of the all time great cruiserweights. Moore took a hold, but Noble fought out into a shoulder tackle into a lateral press pin. The announcers put over Noble and Moore's history in WCW. Noble maintained the offense, into an Irish whip. Noble went for the backdrop, but Moore flipped over. Noble went for the standing switch, but Moore sent Noble to the outside. Moore hit a somersault plancha to the outside! Sweet! Moore threw Noble back into the ring, moving up to the top rope. Noble hit a gutbuster on Moore as he was coming off the ropes, followed by a suplex into a pin for a near fall. Noble locked on a great submission, tweaking Moore's back, moving into a body leg scissors. Moore hit elbows to Noble's head to attempt to get out, but Noble got a rake to the eyes before releasing. Noble continued his work on Moore's head with elbows. Moore got a schoolboy on Noble, but he powered out. Noble set up a Tiger Driver, but Moore reversed and hit a leg drop onto Noble's throat. Moore climbed up on the ropes as Noble stood in the middle of the ring. Moore hit a series of punches to Noble. Noble went for a short arm clothesline but missed. Morore hit a pair of clotheslines, followed by a leg across the back of Noble in the ropes into a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge in the middle of the ring for a two count. Moore went for another suplex, but Noble countered, hitting two knees to the gut of Moore. Noble put Moore on the top rope and Noble was apparently going for the superplex, but Moore reversed with a front face suplex on Noble, into a jumping sidekick from Moore. Moore climbed into position for the cover for a two count. DeMott pointed out that Moore was frustrated. Moore hit a couple punches to Noble's head. Moore kicked Noble down and went up top for a corkscrew moonsault, but Noble moved out of the way. Noble set up and hit the Tiger Driver for the pin and the victory.

Match Grade: A-. A fantastic Velocity match. Seeing two cruiserweights really got at it is always a pleasure. Still, imagining what this match would be like on the indy scene is rather depressing. Moore's somersault plancha wins my Move Of The Night award. There were some great nearfalls, with some nice spots from both men. If I could only push two Smackdown cruiserweights, other than the obvious one of Rey Rey, Shannon Moore would be the other.

Up Next: Team Cena versus Team Booker T faced each other in a Relay Match on Smackdown this week. More on that next!

Promo time: Look, I'm sorry that I want you to lose the Diva bodyguard contest. If it makes you feel any better, even though this show is in Seattle, I'm not going, because I decided to go to the pay-per-view the night before in Portland instead. So, maybe you'll win and get to see something I don't. There, is that better?

Commercial break: Order Enzyte, for "natural male enhancement." I think they're talking about the penis. Yup, I'm pretty sure.

Smackdown last Thursday: We were having a "Summer Games" (such a stupid ripoff) relay match. Team Cena was represented by John Cena, Rob Van Dam, and Charlie Haas. Team Booker T was represented by Booker T, Rene Dupree, and Luther Reigns. We joined the match in progress, with Cena and Dupree in the ring. The buzzer buzzed, letting us know that it was time to move back to the start of the rotation, Booker T. This was a really, really long, really, really boring match. There wasn't really much drama, and the ringwork was average at best. The only really world class worker here is RVD, as Booker T is past his prime, and Haas, Cena, and Dupree haven't really gotten there yet. Luther Reigns... well, he looks cool. Cena won with a rollup victory on Booker T, after Booker had been mugged by RVD on the outside. Things broke down after the bell, with the faces clearing the ring of the heels. Jackie Gayda, who had been accompanying Charlie Haas, walked into the ring to join the celebration. Anyone who doesn't think Jackie Gayda is hot is blind.

Bill and Josh ran down the Booker T versus John Cena match, the six man match, the Raw triple threat for the IC Title, the ridiculous Kane versus Matt Hardy marrying Lita match, and Diva Dodgeball. They even have a graphic showing all the participants. God help us all. They go on to talk about Triple H versus Eugene and Chris Benoit versus Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. They rounded out things moving back to Smackdown, talking about Eddie Guerrero versus Kurt Angle and Undertaker versus JBL. Whew! For more of my thoughts on these matches, be sure to check out the latest Daydream Believer and the Lounge Conversation.

Up Next: Bubba Ray Dudley is taking on Scotty 2 Hotty, but he's not alone! Oh no no. Spike's at ringside. Do I smell shenanigans? I think I do!

Commercial break: I love that Angus Diet Burger King commercial. "Diet doesn't have to be a four letter word." Um, it doesn't? OK, sure, Mr. Bad Speller. He also finishes things off with "Respect the Angus," which sounds awfully like a certain line from Tom Cruise's motivational character in Magnolia that I probably shouldn't use in mixed company. It starts with a "C," and refers to a certain male... Never mind. Just go watch the movie.

Local promo time: Raw is coming to Seattle, as I mentioned before. The tickets are on sale, but I'm not buying any. Maybe if I can get some scalp tickets for 20 bucks or something? Hmmm...

WWE Slam of the Week: Smackdown last Thursday, Bubba took Billy Kidman down on the inside. Paul London tried to hit his 450 Splash on the inside, but Spike was pulled out of the way. Spike put a point on things with a Dudley Dog.

(3) Bubba Ray Dudley (with Spike Dudley) defeated Scotty 2 Hotty at 6:14.

Pre-Match Analysis: Scotty 2 Hotty made his way out to the ring. He did this little hand motion in front of the camera that made him look even whiter, if that's even possible. Spike made his way out to the ring with his belt, but Bubba was nowhere to be seen. Bubba finally made his way out several moments later.

Smackdown last Thursday: Scotty confronted Spike and the rest of the Dudleys backstage for turning on Rey and changing. Wow, a Velocity match with build-up! Sweet!

Match Analysis: Scotty and Bubba locked up. Bubba quickly took down Scotty from behind. Bubba slapped Scotty in the head. They locked up again, as Bubba hit an arm drag on Scotty. Bubba was talking trash the entire time, telling Scotty that he had to go through Bubba first to get to Spike. Bubba locked on a side headlock. Scotty started fighting his way out, but Bubba wouldn't release the hold. Bubba held the hold for quite a while, at least in Velocity time, but he eventually ended it, going into a shoulder block. Scotty hit a pair of armdrags, and Bubba ran to the outside. Spike literally slapped Bubba around, slapping him in the face and yelling at him. Bubba actually started whining a bit before moving into the ring, hitting shoulder blocks on Scotty in the corner. Bubba eventually released. He went for a splash in the opposite corner, Scotty countered and was trying to capitalize, but Spike grabbed his leg. Scotty was chasing Spike around the ring, back into the ring, but Bubba came from out of nowhere and took down Scotty hard. Bubba continued the offense with right hands to the prone Scotty. Bubba took Scotty up to the top rope, moving him into the tree of woe position, riding Scotty's crotch with his foot. Owwwww. Spike distracted the referee. Bubba got a chokehold and a rake to the eyes on Scotty, before hitting a back suplex on Scotty, pulling him off the ropes. Bubba went for a cover for a short count. Bubba started slapping around Scotty. Scotty tried firing back, and both men exchanged blows on their knees. They both moved to a standing position. Scotty hit a big forearm, followed by a pair of back elbows. Scotty hit a high crossbody into a pin cover, but Bubba kicked out. Scotty pulled at Bubba's face in the corner as he moved into position for the ten punch, which he delivered. Scotty hit a superkick in the middle of the ring for a two count, but Bubba kicked out before three. Scotty set Bubba up with the bulldog for the Worm. Spike got up on the apron. Scotty knocked him off, but it allowed Bubba time to recover and hit a spear to Scotty for the pin and the victory. Both men got back into the ring, and Spike started assaulting Scotty. Bubba pulled off his chain belt and handed it to Spike, who whipped Scotty with it and choked him with the belt. Spike and Bubba embraced after the beating and left the ring. Spike gave Bubba his belt back while shoving him.

Match Grade: B+. A really solid match. This was the best work from both men in a while. Seeing the dynamic between Spike and Bubba was a lot of fun, especially when Spike started slapping Bubba around. Scotty didn't just do his signature spots, taking advantage of all of his skills in this match. Scotty can still be a strong contributor to Smackdown, and he showed why right here. Having fresh Dudleys is a very good thing as well.

Final Show Grade: B+. A really good episode of Velocity. Having a main event that actually is built off of events from this week's Smackdown is a definite step in the right direction for this show, and if WWE continues to do angles like this, and hopefully promote them as well, Velocity's ratings might not be down in the dumps. Letting the cruiserweights do their thing is always a plus in my book, and even though they're working "WWE style," they still put on a great show tonight. The tag team match wasn't anything special, but it was solid and had its share of entertainment value. A good week, and hopefully this momentum will continue. And better yet, next week, we don't have to listen to this "summer games" comparison anymore. Thank God.

***

Veloci-Quotes... Version One-uhhh!

On Jamie Noble:
Josh Matthews: He is the messiah for an entire trailer park community, Jamie "By God" Noble!
- Not a good night for Veloci-quotes, but I do want to note how much I love that Josh Matthews will bring up, again and again, old storylines that wouldn't be put over if it wasn't for his fantastic work.

On Spike Dudley's confrontation with Scotty 2 Hotty:
Josh Matthews: Well Spike Dudley's reeeal tough. Go ahead, go ahead Bill, defend Spike Dudley. I know you want to. Go right ahead.
Bill DeMott: Spike Dudley open-handed Scotty 2 Hotty in the face, and stood there and Scotty did absolutely nothing. Spike is tough.
Matthews: Maybe you didn't see Bubba Ray and D-Von standing behind Spike Dudley?
DeMott: I'll tell you what I did see. About four or five other Smackdown superstars watched it happen too. So who are we really gonna blame here, junior?
Matthews: (Slowly) Spike Dudley? Now Spike's got Bubba doing his dirty work, taking on Scotty 2 Hotty here on Velocity.
DeMott: What's dirty about one-on-one competition?
Matthews: Why isn't, why isn't Spike in this match? You said it yourself, Spike slapped Scotty right in the face. Why isn't Spike taking on Scotty 2 Hotty?
DeMott: Well maybe Scotty didn't think it was that much of a slap to challenge the WWE Cruiserweight Champion.
Matthews: I'm sure he did. But as you just heard, Bubba said you gotta get through me first to get to Spike.
DeMott: Well don't you always have to be a contender to get to the champion?
Matthews: Bubba Ray Dudley's not a Cruiserweight!
DeMott: Oh ho ho ho! So now we're throwing shots at Bubba's weight?
Matthews: I would never say that.
DeMott: You just said he isn't a cruiserweight!
Matthews: He's not a cruiserweight! That's a fact! There's no, there's no rational conversations with you, ever. He's 310 pounds.
DeMott: So you're telling me Scotty 2 Hotty's not able to take on heavyweights here on Smackdown or Velocity?
Matthews: (Josh Matthews calls a move) Nonetheless, this match is between Bubba Ray Dudley and Scotty 2 Hotty.
DeMott: Exactly.
Matthews: Exactly, 'cause I try to have a rational conversation with you, and--
DeMott: And I gave you an honest answer.
Matthews: Yeah, "honest."
DeMott: Spike's honest. Bill DeMott's honest.
Matthews: OK.
DeMott: Hell, Kurt Angle's honest.
Matthews: Kurt Angle's honest?!
DeMott: JBL's honest.
- A long one, but it was worth it for that build to the exploding tensions at the end there. "There's no, there's no rational conversations with you, ever." Priceless.

On the Dudleys:
Bill DeMott: What do you think the three D's stand for, Josh? Dudley! Dudley! Dudley!
Josh Matthews: (Laughs) That's not what it stands for.
DeMott: That's exactly what it stands for!
- Dudley! Dudley! Dudley! I like that.

In response to their earlier argument:
Josh Matthews: So are you going to question everything I do now?
Bill DeMott: Yeah, because I want to know where you're coming from. We're partners. We have to work together.
Matthews: Yeah, I understand that.
DeMott: I think I'm going to slap you around a little bit and get you fired up.
- Do it, Bill! I'm begging ya, do it!

On Bubba Ray Dudley choking Scotty in the ropes:
Josh Matthews: And now look at this! A chokehold, and a rake to the eyes, and Scotty's in the ropes!
Bill DeMott: And Bubba has a five count to break that illegal hold!
Matthews: Three, no three illegal holds, by Bubba Ray Dudley!
DeMott: So he has a fifteen count.
Matthews: No. No he doesn't!
- A fifteen count. Classic!

On Scotty 2 Hotty giving Bubba Ray Dudley the top rope ten punch:
Josh Matthews: Do it! Stay on him!
Bill DeMott: I'm biased? I'm jaded? Listen to you!
Matthews: I'm calling it right down the middle.
DeMott: Right down the middle of Scotty's back.
- Media bias! It's a conspiracy!

On Scotty giving Bubba Ray Dudley the Worm:
Bill DeMott: This is not the place to feed the fans what they want.
Josh Matthews: Yes it is! Let's see the worm, Scotty!
DeMott: I don't get it.
- Me either, Bill. Me either.

***

Thanks for tuning in for another Veloci-report by yours truly. I hope that you all enjoy SummerSlam! Until next time, do good works and remember to smile.

Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink fan club, Dusty's Finishers. He also writes regularly on all sorts of fun stuff on his blog, Tap Out. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at roemd03@stolafalum.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.

We suggest these recent related articles...

PARKS'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT 10/8: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Thursday show, including Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt & Braun Strowman

METZGER'S ROH TV REPORT 10/4 & 10/7: IWGP World champ Okada vs. Roderick Strong main event, plus Briscoes vs. Time Splitters, more from "Field of Honor," Overall Reax

MCMAHON'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 10/7: TNA Title Series kicks off, Bound for Glory fall-out, more; Overall Reax