Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
July 31, 2004
Taped 7/27/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

Rock stars and rock starettes, it's time to hit it with the best part about staying home Saturday nights, Velocity!

***

WWE kicks things off by rolling the intro and wasting loads of money on the spectacular Velocity fireworks! If only the A-shows had fireworks that cool.

(1) Mark Jindrak defeated Scotty 2 Hotty at 2:36.

Pre-Match Analysis: Mark Jindrak made his way to the ring. I bet he wishes he'd stayed in touch with his ex-manager Theodore R. Long now! As Josh says, this is the best sixty minutes Saturday night has to offer. The announcers let us know that we're going to get the original SummerSlam main event, JBL versus Shannon Moore, right here on Velocity! Jindrak posed for the mirror in the ring, talked to it, and generally looked insane. Turn it up! Scotty Too Hotty made his incredibly white way to the ring. He got thisclose to jumping into the crowd, making small children more uncomfortable than Victoria. He got into the ring and posed on the turnbuckle, throwing up a Jimmy Snuka-esque "I love you" hand sign. Josh and Bill talked about Mark Jindrak's relationship with Theodore R. Long on commentary, asking whether Jindrak will be getting any favors, and pointed how usually the wrestler moves up and leaves the manager behind, but this time it was the reverse. Bill used the word "shebang" and repeated it again for some reason. I have no idea why.

Match Analysis: Scotty started things off with a Hulk Hogan-esque hand to the ear. They locked up and Jindrak took Scotty into the corner, before hitting Scotty with a big open left hand and following up with boots to Scotty. Jindrak choked Scotty in the corner before the ref called for the break. Jindrak hit his big dropkick for a two count. Jindrak slapped on a side headlock, but Scotty moved to a vertical position and got fired up, throwing elbows into Jindrak's gut. Scotty ducked a clothesline and hit a couple of right hands to Jindrak, followed by a jumping forearm. Bill DeMott made the point that perhaps Scotty was getting fired up to show off to new General Manager Theodore R. Long. Scotty pounded his chest Tarzan-style and threw Jindrak into the corner, but Jindrak hit a back elbow. Jindrak went for another clothesline, but Scotty ducked and hit a superkick. Screw you, Shawn Michaels! Scotty called for the Worm! W... O... R... M! Uh oh, Jindrak kipped up just as Scotty was about to hit it. Jindrak threw Scotty to the apron. Scotty hit a shot to Jindrak's gut and went for a slingshot sunset flip, but Jindrak fell to his knees into a cover, holding the ropes for the tainted victory.

Match Grade: C+. Looks like Jindrak doesn't need you, Teddy. A fairly competitive, albeit all too short match. This was the shortest Velocity match I remember seeing. Jindrak is a solid big man, but nothing spectacular outside of his look. Did Jindrak really need to cheat to beat Scotty 2 Hotty? Hey, I'm just saying, save your cheating for when you need it, y'know? Scotty has an energy and charisma that I think could be utilized if WWE took its cruiserweight division seriously, but he'll likely languish on the super-undercard for the foreseeable future.

Tonight: JBL in action! Yes, the WWE Champion has graced us with his presence.

Promo time: Go see Smackdown live to see Undertaker beat JBL senseless after the cameras turn off!

Commercial break: OK, Without A Paddle looks crappy, but any commercial that features R. Kelly's "Bump & Grind" is all good with me.

Promo time: Yes, Raw is advertised once again by telling us to find out what happened in the Raw Diva Search. Seriously, just painful.

WWE Sting of the Night: Smackdown last Thursday: Bubba tripped up Rey Mysterio to help Spike Dudley pick up the Cruiserweight Title!

(2) Chavo Guerrero defeated Funaki at 4:09.

Pre-Match Analysis: Ohhh, Chavo! Er, not me, that's what his music says. I swear. He wore his fly Mexican bandana, letting us know that he's "street," as the kids say. Funaki came out next. Vinnie Mac has rehired Smackdown's numba... one... announca, and even Josh Matthews deferred on commentary to Funaki's greatness. Funaki was wearing a Smackdown t-shirt, worn poncho style.

Match Analysis: Funaki clapped to get the crowd into events as things started out. Funaki looked for a test of strength, but Chavo went for the cheap shot to the gut, taking Funaki down. Chavo slapped on the side headlock, into a shouler block. Funaki went up and over twice on Chavo, followed by two armdrags from Funaki into an armbar on Chavo's left arm. Chavo hit an elbow to the arm before applying a modified armbar. Chavo hit a kneelift on Funaki for a cover, but Funaki kicked out on two. Chavo got Funaki's arm behind his head, but Funaki moved out of the hold. Funaki hit punches while Chavo used uppercuts, back and forth. Funaki went for his front dropkick, but Chavo stopped short by wrapping his arms on the ropes. Chavo delivered a jackknife pin for two. Chavo slammed Funaki's head into the turnbuckle. Funaki kicked Chavo, followed by an enuzigiri, sending both men down. Funaki hit a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, followed by stomps to get the crowd riled up. Funaki hit a backdrop, followed by a bulldog for the cover. Chavo kicked out just before three. Funaki jumped up and down in the corner and ran for Chavo. Chavo tried reversing, but Funaki retained control and hit a high crossbody off the top rope. Chavo turned it over and grabbed the tights but still couldn't get a three. Chavo went for a suplex, but Funaki reversed. After a series of reversals, Funaki got sent into the corner. Chavo set Funaki up for a Gory Special, into a Gory Bomb. Chavo went into a tight cover and picked up the win.

Match Grade: B+. Chavo and Funaki are both extremely talented members of the WWE cruiserweight division. No, they're not going to be turned loose like the cruisers of TNA's X Division, but they can still deliver a thrill. Chavo hasn't quite recaptured the momentum he had with Chavo Classic, but next time he gets an opportunity, I am certain that he will seize it. This match started a bit boring, but it picked up, with both men delivering their signature spots. Chavo's finisher always looks great.

Tonight: JBL will be in action baby!

Up Next: Eddie Guerrero stole all of Kurt Angle's stuff from his office, but said that Kurt could get it back just by coming out and claiming it.

Commercial break: Super psycho stalker Bryce just may have killed my favorite cast member of Joe Schmo 2, Montecore the hawk. That thing is so freakin' cool! Still, Bryce is a fantastic actor, and I'm excited to see how this plays out.

Smackdown last Thursday: Eddie Guerrero stole everything from former Smackdown General Manager Kurt Angle's office, and started auctioning it all off in the ring. He showed off a portrait of Kurt Angle, upon which he had drawn a mustache (ummm, didn't he already pull that gag a while ago?). He proceeded to pull out Kurt's medals. He started the bidding at 24 cents, up to 50 cents, up to a dollar! Sold for a dollar! That bastard! Kurt Angle walked onto the ramp in a suit and told Eddie to put the medals down and get the Hell out of the ring. Eddie acted incredulously, telling Kurt to come and get 'em, as Eddie was holding the medals in his hand. Kurt said that, since Eddie was stealing his stuff, he would steal something of Eddie's. He moved into Eddie's low rider. Well, at least, the low rider of someone in the area where the show was held. Hey, I'm just saying. Eddie claimed that there was an anti-theft device and told Kurt not to hurt himself, but Kurt didn't believe him. However, when Kurt tried to turn the car on, what looked like fire extinguisher stuff shot Kurt in the face. Eddie said that was embarrassing. Well, kind of. Not really. I guess. Eddie called for them to play Kurt's music, and led the crowd in a "You suck!" chant. Ohhh no, he got powder on his face. How embarrassing. Riiiight.

Anyways, Josh and Bill ran down Kurt's match against Eddie at SummerSlam and JBL defending his WWE Title against Undertaker. Over on Raw, we've got Chris Benoit defending his World title against Randy Orton.

Promo time: Chris Benoit's brand new DVD, Hard Knocks: The Chris Benoit Story, came out earlier this week. This DVD looks freaking incredible. My birthday's next month and that is going on the list baby. Love... that!

Promo time: Spike TV is having their Viva La Diva sweepstakes, and you get to sit at ringside September 13th in my very own Seattle! And remember, if you win, loyal Velocity reader, I'm buying you a drink, so go sign up at SpikeTV.com!

Commercial time: Wrangler Jeans Company is promoting their stuff through NASCAR. Yeah, hicks wear those things, so that makes sense.

WWE Slam of the Week: Smackdown last Thursday: Bubba tried using a steel chair, but Rey Mysterio came out of the crowd and took Bubba down, allowing Paul London to retain his and Billy Kidman's tag titles by pinning D-Von in the ring.

(3) Nunzio and Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli defeated the Basham Brothers when Johnny Stamboli pinned Doug Basham at 6:50.

Pre-Match Analysis: Doug and Danny Basham made their way out to the ring. Blue tights this week. And yet, still, no one cares. Nice job, WWE booking department! Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli, the Full Blooded Italians, the FBI, made their way out next. Johnny's got on the fly FBI vest, and they cut to an FBI sign in the crowd. Wow. That's devotion. What the, another FBI sign in the crowd? Insanity!

Match Analysis: Nunzio and Stamboli hugged in the corner. Nunzio started things off in the ring against Doug. Nunzio taunted Doug with jumping jacks. Doug tossed Nunzio to the mat. Nunzio attacked Danny in the corner, but Danny came into the ring for the double team. Stamboli tried to come in for the save, but the Bashams took him down. The Bashams tried to double suplex Nunzio, but he countered. Stamboli hit a double clothesline, and Nunzio went up top. Nunzio went for a high crossbody on both men, but they caught him and threw Nunzio to the outside. Danny threw Nunzio back in the ring. Doug went for the cover, but Nunzio kicked out. In the corner, the Bashams continued the double team assault, tagging in Danny, who continued the assault on his own. Danny stomped Nunzio, followed by a headbutt drop. After some more offense, Danny moved into an abdominal stretch. Danny grabbed Doug's hand for extra leverage behind the ref's back. The ref called for the break, but when Nick Patrick wasn't looking, they pulled it off two more times. Talk about out of position. Nunzio screamed in pain, before Danny ultimately released the hold. Danny took Nunzio down and hit Stamboli. Danny dragged Nunzio over to his corner and tagged in brother Doug. Doug hit a triple jump press on Nunzio, jumping to the first rope, second, then down onto Nunzio. Stamboli ran in to help save Nunzio and Nunzio went back on offense, but Doug regained control and hit a series of shoulder thrusts on Nunzio in the corner. Nunzio tried to come back, but Doug hit a high cradle back suplex, hooking the leg for the cover. Stamboli ran in to break up the pin. Doug grabbed Nunzio's leg and applied a submission hold while tagging in his brother Danny. Danny rammed Nunzio into the corner, followed by a shoulder thrust and Irish whipping Nunzio into the other corner. Nunzio tried to get his boot up, but Danny caught it. Nunzio hit the drop toehold, sending Danny face first into the turnbuckle. Both men made tags. Stamboli was on fire, taking it to both men. Stamboli hit a spinebuster for a cover, but it got broken up. Stamboli dropped Danny Basham with a strong punch to the outside. Stamboli went for a military press on Doug, but Doug countered. Danny hit Stamboli from the outside, allowing Doug to roll up Stamboli. Doug grabbed the tights, but it got turned when Nunzio hit his front dropkick to Doug's face, with Stamboli grabbing the tights in the cradle himself to pick up the victory!

Match Grade: B. I think that the Bashams have gotten to know each other like, well, brothers after month upon month upon month of working together. They pulled off some great double team stuff here, without resorting to the tired switcharoo spot. I'd like to see Nunzio and Stamboli use more double team moves, especially their double team finisher which wasn't utilized here. The announcers pointed out that these two teams have been wrestling for four weeks now, and I have to ask, shouldn't there be some sort of story behind this kind of continued action? Couldn't they at least give these guys thirty seconds to cut a promo before a match or something? That's all I ask. Well, for now at least. Interesting note: It sounded like they thought the recap segment that followed had already aired. Whoops!

Tonight: JBL in action! It's so sad that they don't even mention Shannon Moore. How the mighty have fallen. I guess he should have kept following Mattitude.

Up next: Theodore R. Long, our new GM, declared that there would be an eight man match for the vacant U.S. Title. Beliedat, playa!

Commercial break: While we're watching, three days are passing and this girl's skin is clearing up, thanks to Clearasil. I'm sorry, but it didn't really look like much happened. It's all about the Neutrogena, I'm telling you!

Promo time: "You are... eliminated." You tell 'em, Coach! Raw Diva Search, Monday night, blah blah blah.

Smackdown last Thursday: Vince McMahon named a new General Manager, Theodore R. Long, a Velocity roster alumnus. Teddy set up an eight man match for the U.S. Title, elimination style. Josh let us know that we were joining the match in progress, with only four men left. John Cena and Luther Reigns were in the ring. Cena eliminated Reigns with an F U. Booker T stepped in as RVD stood on the ropes. Booker hit a Bookend for a cover, but couldn't pull up the victory. Booker tagged in RVD. RVD hit a Northern Lights Suplex for a cover, but Cena again kicked out. RVD set Cena up for the split-legged moonsault, which he hit for another cover, but Cena kicked out again. RVD was trying to go up for the Five Star, but Booker tried stopping him. RVD threw Booker to the outside and hit the Five Star frog splash, but Booker T ran in and covered Cena for an elimination, as Booker trying to stop RVD earlier apparently counted as a tag. Booker quickly took out RVD with a scissor kick and covered him to win the United States Championship!

(4) John Bradshaw Layfield defeated Shannon Moore at 2:25.

Pre-Match Analysis: John Bradshaw Layfield made his way out in his big white limo. They showed a "JBL sucks" sign in the crowd. WWE Champion JBL stepped out of his limo, after the door was opened by his driver, of course. JBL shook hands in the crowd. Someone in the audience held up an "I can beat JBL" sign, with the I underlined. Sad!

Commercial break: A new movie is out about diving and sharks. I didn't think it looked that great, but it is being put out by IFC Films, and since 99.9999% of what they put out is great, Open Water will probably be worth a looksie.

JBL was standing in the ring for a Velocity exclusive promo! For the details, check out the Veloci-quotes. Someone held up a JBL sign in the crowd with that red symbol with the line through it. You know, like the Ghostbusters symbol. JBL talked about his confrontation with the Undertaker, saying that he could have ended Taker's career if he had landed his big punch. JBL said that, instead of defending against Shannon Moore at SummerSlam, he would be defending against the Undertaker. So, JBL is defending against Shannon Moore tonight! JBL says the ratings are going to be huge. Oh it's true! JBL then tries to lead the crowd in a "JBL" chant. JBL is cut off by Shannon Moore's music. What the... I don't know how I feel about Shannon Moore with short hair. And it's messed up, but in that mussed, I meant to look like this way. JBL told Shannon to wait while he sanitized his hands.

Match Analysis: JBL is just huge in comparison to Shannon Moore. They shook hands to start things off. JBL shoved Moore into the corner and shook hands again. Bill DeMott said that this match was Velocity's SummerSlam. JBL moved into a side headlock, but Shannon fought out, into a shoulder tackle from JBL. JBL took Moore down for an armbar, before taking Moore into the corner for a punch and a big chop, followed by a powerslam. JBL went for an elbow drop, but Moore moved out of the way. Moore got some brief offense, but JBL hit a big boot, followed by a clubbing forearm to the back and a kick. JBL went after Moore in a corner, but Moore got the boots up. Moore was going up top, but JBL climbed up and grabbed Moore, hitting a super fallaway slam from the second rope. JBL held up his arm, calling for the Clothesline From Hell. JBL signaled again, but Moore flinched. JBL stopped short and put Moore into position for his signature powerbomb, including the "putting the cigar out on the back" setup. JBL hit the powerbomb for the pinfall. JBL shook the referee's hand before heading to the back.

Match Grade: C. Nothing fantastic, nothing obscenely bad. It was fun to have JBL on Velocity. Shannon Moore also is no joke, and I miss his MFer antics. Still, did they really have to have Moore flinch like this was his first match when he thought he might get hit by the Clothesline from Hell? JBL's super fallaway slam was great. Still, more of a storyline match than trying to mean anything in the ring.

This Thursday: Kurt Angle in action! Love that! Also next week, Rey Mysterio and Spike Dudley are teaming up against the Dudleys. Can you say "Spike heel turn?" I like this new segment, selling us on the coming week's show.

Final Show Grade: B. Two extremely short squash matches, one semi-competitive cruiser match, and one solid tag match wouldn't seem to amount to such a high grade. However, getting a JBL promo and an appearance from the WWE Champion on Velocity is no small deal, so that gets the grade bumped up, as does the addition of the Smackdown preview section to finish the show. Overall, they did a better job than usual of making Velocity feel integrated into the Smackdown brand, as opposed to just being its own thing. There's still so much more that could be done, but kudos to WWE for taking some baby steps.

***

Veloci-quotes... V1-uhhh!

Josh Matthews: Mark Jindrak's number one fan is in the ring, and I'm not talking about Tony Chimel!
Bill DeMott: It's the mirror, right?
Matthews: I'm talking about Mark Jindrak!
DeMott: So it's the guy in the mirror.
Matthews: And you'll notice that Tony Chimel is in the ring. Mr. McMahon announced after Smackdown went off the air last week that Tony Chimel, Funaki, and all the Smackdown divas have been reinstated.
DeMott: Which leads me to question Mr. McMahon's thinking.
Matthews: (Laughs)
- Hey, Smackdown divas are OK with me. Raw wrestling divas are OK with me. but Raw Diva Search divas? Blurgh!

On new Smackdown G.M. Theodore R. Long:
Josh Matthews: He made an eight-man elimination match for the United States Championship, and that's diplomatic.
Bill DeMott: That was so politically correct, I could be sick.
- Political correctness does suck. Good point, Bill!

As Scotty Too Hotty started to set up for the Worm:
Bill DeMott: These people called for this goofiest move in sports entertainment, and it looks like Scotty's gonna give it to them!
Josh Matthews: I think we're gonna see Scotty's worm!
DeMott: What? You can't say that!
Matthews: No, I can, because it's true!
DeMott: (Scotty starts the Worm) See, I don't get this.
- It's no People's Elbow.

As Josh tried to explain his point about Spike not being happy about the way he won the Cruiserweight Title:
Josh Matthews: (Josh talking over Bill DeMott) Da da da I'm not done! I'm not done!
- Ahhh, childishly talking over your announcing partner. Classic!

Josh Matthews: Spike feels cheapened about his victory because Bubba Ray and D-Von got involved.
Bill DeMott: Cheapened? He's got sixty pounds of gold around his waist!
Matthews: I don't think the Cruiserweight Championship weighs sixty pounds, Bill!
- Could Spike even walk with sixty pounds around his waist? I mean, that's almost half his body weight!

On Eddie Guerrero auctioning off Kurt Angle's stuff:
Bill DeMott: Eddie Guerrero is giving back to the WWE fans.
Josh Matthews: OK. I like that.
DeMott: You believe that?
Matthews: I think you and I are on the same page with this one!
DeMott: We are absolutely not on the same page! That was sarcasm on my part!
Matthews: Ohhh, sarcasm!
DeMott: Y'know, when I say something I really don't mean?
Matthews: Oh, oh, that's sarcasm? Oh, thank you Webster!
DeMott: Webster?
Matthews: Yeah, Webster dictionary for the definition of sarcasm!
- I was hoping he was referring to the classic black kid getting raised by an old white man show. That's good TV.

After Josh defended Eddie auctioning off Kurt's stuff after he got fired from being Smackdown G.M.:
Bill DeMott: So you're telling me, when you get fired, I can take all your stuff and sell it on eBay, because it no longer belongs to you?
Josh Matthews: What do you mean, when I get fired?
DeMott: I'm just saying, perhaps. Y'know, sarcasm.
Matthews: (Josh tries calling the match, but trips over his words) Easy for me to say. You've got me talking about getting fired! Let me concentrate on what's going on in the ring!
- May WWE never fire Josh Matthews. Never. Ever. At all.

On Josh claiming that Spike didn't want his brothers to help him win the Cruiserweight Title:
Bill DeMott: Right. I don't want my brother around either, but it's a lot easier to beat somebody.
- The DeMott Brothers: The tag team of the future!

Josh Matthews: Bill, I think you may be right, for the first time in your career!
- I can't remember what this was referring to, but Bill, you just got served!

Referring to the YJ Stinger slogan as Johnny Stamboli was coming out:
Bill DeMott: I get it. This ain't no bull. Johnny the Bull.
Josh Matthews: (Sarcastically) Bill, that's great, that's awesome, Bill.
- Ahhh, Josh's sarcasm. It's what gets me through my days.

Josh Matthews: There's bigger fish to fry, and those big fish are Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley.
Bill DeMott: So, you're saying the Dudley Boys are fish.
Matthews: I knew you were going to say that! I knew you were going to say that!
DeMott: I'm just repeating what you said. These-- Our viewers need to know.

Bill DeMott: I have it on good advice, right now, that the shadow box is going for twenty-three hundred dollars right now on WWE.com.
Josh Matthews: Really?
DeMott: Really.
Matthews: Twenty-three hundred dollars.
DeMott: Where'd you get that kind of money?
Matthews: I didn't bid on that. I bid sixteen cents!
DeMott: On what?
Matthews: I guess I've been outbid.

Bill DeMott: I'm kind of excited! Can you see it? Can you see it in my face? (Moo in JBL's music) Did you hear that? The limo's excited! (Laughs.) Nothing, huh? Hello-ohhhh.
Josh Matthews: (Exasperated) Hi, Bill.

John Bradshaw Layfield: It's morning again in America! And I am proud, extremely proud, to be here as your WWE Champion. And in the spirit, and the legacy, the great legacy that I am already leaving behind me, with much more ahead, I am willing to risk, again tonight, the life and limb, and career, of your WWE Champion, and put it all on the line, here, for you, my fans! (Bill DeMott: I appreciate him!) Just last week, the Undertaker came out and, when I was in a very weakened condition after having a long match where I successfully won, (He did.) I got up, the fighting champion that I am, and I threw a right hand at the Undertaker, that if it would have connected, it would have ended his career. (It would have.) But in the weakened condition that I was, he caught me and chokeslammed me. (He did.) But being the fighting champion that I am, instead of defending my championship against Shannon Moore at SummerSlam, I will now defend it against the Undertaker. But don't worry! Fans have been calling all over, wanting me to defend my title, wanting me to step in the ring against top contenders every night, and that's what I'm doing tonight. Tonight you will see me defend my reputation -- Oh not the belt, I'm saving that for SummerSlam -- my reputation against another top contender, Shannon Moore. Oh, the ratings are gonna be great! The young girls love him. Honestly, a lotta young guys do too. Hey, it's oh-four, I don't judge, that's OK. If you wanna yell "Moore," that's OK, but when you really listen-- Shh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh. From the Garden to the Pond, from Gund Arena to America Airlines Arena in Dallas, you can hear the people chanting my name. Shh. JBL! JBL! JBL! JBL! JBL! You can chant it all you want, because I am your hero! Now chant me through this match one more time, because you are my fans! (Josh Matthews: Who is he kidding?)
- J... B... L! J... B... L! On Velocity! Take that, Smackdown!

***

Thanks for tuning in everyone! Be sure to check out my new blog and drop me a line! Until next time, do good works and remember to smile.

Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink fan club, Dusty's Finishers. He also writes regularly on all sorts of fun stuff on his blog, Tap Out. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at roemd03@stolafalum.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.

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