Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
July 10, 2004
Taped 7/6/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

Velocity is in the house, ready to rock you all... night... long! Or at least for one hour. Enjoy!

***

The standard WWE globe thingy aired, followed by the far too literal Velocity intro video and the pyrizzle.

(1) Rene Dupree (with Fifi the dog) defeated Nunzio at 5:23.

Pre-Match Analysis: Josh teased the events of this past week's Smackdown to get those who didn't see what happened hyped up for the highlights later on tonight. Josh Matthews was wearing a great bright orange shirt, which makes him king of the metrosexuals. Maybe salmon? I have no idea. Rene Dupree walked out, wearing his red, white, and blue (but for France) poncho/cape thing and waving the French flag, leading the now gray Fifi. I also just realized that Fifi is featured in Dupree's entrance video. How depressing. The Sicilian Shooter Nunzio came out, but with no Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli there to help him. Uh oh. He needs someone to counter Fifi!

Match Analysis: Dupree and Nunzio tied up, with Dupree throwing Nunzio to the mat and posing for the crowd. Nunzio with a go behind on Dupree, but Dupree countered it, flipping Nunzio off. Nunzio shot for Dupree's leg, but it was apparently an ineffective attack. However, Nunzio lifted the leg and took Dupree down by sweeping the other leg. Nunzio kept up the attack on the leg, with a series of kicks, followed by a dropkick to the knee. Nunzio went up top, but Dupree threw Nunzio off and went on offense. Nunzio hit a knife hand chop, followed by a strong open hand chop on Nunzio in the corner, before whipping Nunzio into the other corner. Dupree hit a high back body drop, followed by an elbow drop and a cover. Nunzio kicked out. Bill DeMott insisted on commentary that the second El Gran Luchador was Eddie Guerrero, while Josh Matthews pulled a Michael Cole and played dumb. Dupree gave Nunzio a backbreaker and started stretching Nunzio over his knee while yelling at the crowd. Nunzio hit knees to Dupree's jaw to get out of the submission. Nunzio got a small package for a short cover. On commentary, Bill DeMott defended Kurt Angle's decision to strip John Cena of the U.S. Title while Josh Matthews acted completed outraged, including a "Whaaaaaat?" Bill argued for enforcing the rules, while Josh said the show shouldn't be run on loopholes. Dupree took up Nunzio for a powerbomb, but Nunzio reversed into an attempted sunset flip. However, Dupree countered and took Nunzio into a bear hug. It's amazing how much of a giant Dupree is in comparison to Nunzio. Nunzio waved his fist in the air and finally started hitting forearms to Dupree's head and hit a kick to the gut to get out, followed by a monster modified DDT on Dupree. Both men were down as Nick Patrick began the ten count. Nunzio made a cover, but Dupree kicked out at two. Dupree took Nunzio into the corner and went for a punch, but Nunzio countered, went up to the second rope and hit his front missile dropkick for a two count cover on Dupree. Nunzio went up top again for a high crossbody, but Dupree ducked out of the way and executed the French Tickler, followed by the Michinoku Driver into a pin cover for the 1, 2, 3. After the match, Dupree did another French Tickler and stood on the ropes to boos from the crowd. Josh Matthews sold the win as getting Rene Dupree back in the United States Championship title mix.

Match Grade: B+. A fun match, particularly when Nunzio was on offense. There were some nice near falls near the end, as well as some great highspots from Nunzio. The announcers seemed to be taking their inspiration from the Heat announcers, talking about every other storyline except for this match during the match. Oh well, they're still the best announce team in WWE.

Tonight: The Basham Brothers versus Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn.

Up Next: A champion versus champion match from this week's Smackdown, with JBL taking on the champion of Mexico, El Gran Luchador!

A promo rolled for the WWE Raw Diva Search casting special, this Thursday on Spike TV at 10 PM. Hot girls in skimpy clothing? Sound good to me!

Commercial break: In the new Spider-Man 2 video game, you can go anywhere, according to the commercial. Can I go into the Raw women's locker room to hit on Molly in that sweet Spidey costume? No? Darn.

A promo rolled for the WWE Hall of Fame DVD. Again. I hear that a Chris Benoit DVD is coming out later this month, though, so I'm all about that!

Smackdown Last Thursday: Your champion and mine, John Bradshaw Layfield, was dominating the champion of Mexico, El Gran Luchador. However, a second El Gran Luchador came into the ring and engaged in some hijinx, throwing JBL out to the floor, where the other El Gran Luchador was lying. EGL 2 dropped a banana peel in the ring for some reason, I guess to distract the ref, and rolled EGL 1 under the ring, taking his place. JBL thought that it was still whatever jobber was there before, but the second El Grand Luchador revealed himself to be a bit familiar, pulling off Eddie Guerrero's moves and mannerisms. Michael Cole made the comparison to Mr. Wrestling and Mr. Wrestling 2, with the two El Gran Luchadores. "El Gran Luchador" even did Eddie's shoulder shimmy. Tazz was getting apoplectic on commentary over this travesty of justice, while Michael Cole was a putz and played dumb, laying on the sarcasm like a sandwich spread. El Gran Luchador grabbed a mic and said that his "friend" Eddie Guerrero would give JBL a frog splash off the top of the cage, becoming the new WWE Champion. El Gran Luchador called for Eddie's music after the match.

This Week: JBL vs. Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Championship inside a steel cage on Smackdown!

Tonight: The Basham Brothers vs. Hardcore Holly and the ass man himself, Billy Gunn.

A promo rolled for the Smackdown live events, and I'm still bitter that a house show was in my area a few weeks ago that I didn't know about. Grrr...

Another promo rolled for the Raw Diva casting special. I swear, I want Coach's job, that lucky bastard.

Commercial Break: Catwoman is coming to a theater near you. Be afraid. Be very afraid. God, this looks like a pile of horse crap.

Promo time! Ric Flair has a book out. Word is that it's one of the best wrestling books ever, so be on the lookout for that.

(2) Funaki defeated Sakoda at 5:14.

Pre-Match Analysis: I heard Akio and Sakoda's music, and was happy to see Akio wrestle... but it wasn't to be, as Sakoda came out, without even Akio at his side. Josh Matthews talked about Akio's Japanese strong style wrestling. Sakoda would be facing Smackdown... NUMBA ONE... announcer, Sho Funaki! I still want one of those Smackdown #1 Announcer shirts, but sadly, they aren't for public consumption.

Match Analysis: Funaki clapped to get the crowd into the match. The crowd chanted for Funaki. Despite both men being Japanese, Sakoda asked Funaki to shake his hand in English, and held his hand out, but Funaki didn't fall for it, going on offense with a series of right hands. Josh Matthews called Funaki's right hand the best right hand in the business. Sure Josh, whatever. Sakoda hit a short arm reversal, but Funaki took control with a series of armdrags, into a cover, followed by an armbar submission, into a wristlock. Sakoda flipped out of it, but Funaki took back control with another arm drag into an armbar. Sakoda regained control once again, hitting Funaki into the turnbuckle, followed by a back suplex. Sakoda went for the cover, but Funaki kicked out. Sakoda hit knee strikes in the corner on Funaki, followed by his signature running knee strike. Sakoda pulled Funaki to the center of the ring and went for the cover. Another kick out. Sakoda applied a chin lock, but Funaki got to a vertical base and started hitting out of it, but Sakoda hit a clubbing forearm. Sakoda Irish whipped Funaki and went down for the backdrop, but Funaki countered. However, Sakoda Irish whipped Funaki again and took Funaki down. Sakoda applied another chinlock, but Funaki got out of the hold. Funaki hit a bulldog and went down hard himself, but managed to crawl over for a short cover. Funaki hit more right hands, followed by an enzuigiri for a two count. Funaki stomped up and down, followed by an exchanging of chops between the two men, followed by an eye rake by Sakoda. Bill DeMott referred to Sakoda as a heavyweight. Really? Hm, OK. Sakoda held Funaki up and rolled onto him in a big move. Funaki moved to the top rope and hit what was called a "super punch" on Sakoda while sitting on the top rope, followed by a spinning bulldog attempt. Sakoda reversed, but Funaki reversed again into a sunset flip for the upset win!

Match Grade: B. This match was really the story of two men. Call it "strong style" if you want, I call Sakoda's offense boring. Sakoda applied a chinlock twice. Wow, what innovative offense. In the meantime, Funaki knows how to connect with the crowd and, while not one of the most spectacular cruiserweights, did some nice work.

Up Next: Rene Dupree defended his U.S. Title against Booker T on this week's Smackdown, with Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns at ringside.

Vengeance is tomorrow night! Triple H and Chris Benoit will be fighting. I wouldn't be surprised to see Eugene come in for some shenanigans, though.

Commercial break: Joe Schmo 2 tomorrow night. This show is sheer genius, and if you aren't watching, you are seriously missing out. Go download the episodes now using your super duper high speed connections. Go on. I'll wait.

Another promo for the LIVE Raw diva casting special aired during the commercial break.

WWE Slam of the Week: John Cena took Kenzo Suzuki to the outside, who had run in for a sneak attack during a John Cena promo. However, Luther Reigns ran in behind John Cena and hit his sweet modified neckbreaker finisher to weaken Cena for his U.S. Title defense later that night.

Smackdown Last Thursday: Booker T was dominating John Cena as Kurt Angle cheered him on from ringside. Kurt was apparently hoping for the Spinaroony, but Booker went for a crescent kick. John Cena ducked and nailed a big DDT on Booker, taking both men down. Cena went for a cover, but Booker kicked out. Booker went back on offense and went for a cover for another near fall. John Cena hit a lateral press for another near fall, followed by a small package for a two count. Cena took Booker over the ropes, near Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns, as Kurt shouted encouragement. The announcers noted that Angle had used his cane as a weapon earlier in the match. Cena was trying to give a clothesline to Booker on the outside, but accidentally took out General Manager Kurt Angle. What followed wasn't accidental, though, as Cena grabbed Angle's cane and beat down Luther Reigns. Cena took Booker inside and hit the F.U., going for the cover, but Luther Reigns hit the ring and kicked Cena's ass, leading to the ref calling for the DQ as the beating continued. Angle grabbed the mic and told Cena that, as he had previously stated, if Cena ever touched him again, the board of directors had approved serious consequences. GM Angle, by the authority of the mysterious board of directors, stripped John Cena of the United States Championship. Cole and Tazz both criticized Angle's decision. Angle walked... er, rolled away, pushed by Luther, with the U.S. belt.

Up Next: The Basham Brothers vs. Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn. The announcers sold it as experience versus the younger generation.

A promo aired for this week's Smackdown, focusing on Eddie Guerrero and JBL's cage match for Layfield's WWE Championship. They should promote Smackdown like this more often. I would say they should promote Velocity like this more often, too, but I might as well say I wish a billion dollars would fall out of the sky onto me at the same time, as they are just about equally likely.

Commercial Break: A commercial aired claiming that Gatorade is better than water. Take that, Mother Nature! "Is it in you?" It depends what "it" is, but I'm thinking the answer is "no."

WWE Rewind: Paul London hit the Wazzup, London hit a big boot to Bubba's chin, Billy Kidman hit the Shooting Star Press, and we have new WWE Tag Team Champions! Love that!

(3) Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn defeated the Basham Brothers (Doug Basham and Danny Basham) when Billy Gunn pinned Doug Basham at 11:38.

Pre-Match Analysis: The Bashams made their way to the ring. For once, I was glad to have Josh and Bill talking over the entrance about the sponsorships, as the Bashams have just gotten so boring. Hardcore and Billy Gunn came out together to the Mr. Ass music. I'm sure Hardcore must be loving that. Both men posed in the corners of the ring as the Bashams circled outside the ring.

Match Analysis: Doug started out as Hardcore and Gunn played rock, paper, scissors to decide who would start. Great. Gunn won. Gunn and Doug locked up, with Doug fighting out of the lock up three times in a row. On commentary, they noted how Doug has, in previous weeks, called out Hardcore Holly. Doug also seems to be re-growing his hair, including facial hair. Gunn hit a boot to the midsection into a side headlock. Doug hit a back roll, but Gunn held onto the side headlock. Doug escaped, but Gunn took Doug down for a pin cover. Doug with a rake to the eye on Gunn, but Gunn regained control and hit a boot for a pin cover. Gunn signaled for the tag, tagging in Hardcore, who took it to Doug, who quickly rolled out of the way and tagged in Danny. Danny was the recipient of some stiff chops in the corner. Hardcore continued with his usual intensity, but Danny responded with chops of his own, followed by a hip toss. Danny was going down for a cover, but Hardcore got his boots up. Hardcore hit a deep armdrag into an armbar. Hardcore tagged in Gunn, who continued the assault on the arm. Danny regained control, tagging in Doug. Gunn hit a back elbow, tagging in Hardcore for a double team hip toss. Gunn signaled for Hardcore to do the Alabama Crunch kick to the crotch, but Doug ran in for the double team and got Danny out of the Alabama Crunch set-up position in the ropes. They knocked Gunn off the apron and threw Hardcore hard into the turnbuckle, shoulder first, and then Hardcore fell to the floor.

Commercial Break: Anchorman is out baby, and this flick was pure comedy. The cast is outstanding, including cameos by pretty much every funny guy in Hollywood.

Back from commercial break, Doug was in control over Hardcore. Doug went for a cover, but Hardcore quickly kicked out. Doug had a submission locked in on Hardcore's left arm, working on his shoulder. Hardcore fought out, but Doug hit a cradle back suplex, followed by a taunt to Billy Gunn, shaking his butt in Mr. Ass's face, followed by a cover, but Gunn broke it up. Danny tagged in and choked Hardcore in the corner with his foot. Doug tagged in and choked Hardcore again. The announcers pointed out how this match could play into the tag team title scene, and also how Paul London and Billy Kidman had moved from makeshift tag team to tag team specialists. Doug was on offense briefly, followed by some offense from Hardcore, but Doug hit a dropkick into a cover for two. Hardcore hit a dropkick of his own, which Matthews pointed out is one of the best in the business. Hardcore was going for a tag, which Doug tried to prevent, but Gunn got the hot tag, taking it to both Bashams. Gunn covered Doug, but Danny broke it up. Danny hit Hardcore on the steel ring steps on the outside. Gunn was dominating in the ring, hitting a Gunn Splash in the corner, and was going for the Famouser, but got taken to the outside by Danny while coming off the ropes. Back in the ring. Hardcore got back in action and set Doug up for the GHB, the Gunn-Holly Bomb, hit it, and Gunn got the three count on Doug. Now it's time for the return of...

Bill DeMott's Turning Point: Danny pulled Gunn out of the ring, but Hardcore was right behind, hitting a clothesline on Danny and rolling back into the ring to set up the finish.

Match Grade: B. A decent tag match, but nothing special, no storyline support, no extraordinary athleticism. This was interchangeable with just about any other Hardcore Holly/Billy Gunn or Basham Brothers match. The Bashams also don't seem to have a lot of chemistry as a team, and would perhaps be better served working singles. Hardcore and Gunn worked together nicely once again, and it would be nice to see them be an official team, blah blah blah, but I'll stop beating that dead horse.

Final Show Grade: B. A real middle of the road show for Velocity tonight. Nothing great, nothing bad, just solid all around. One of my favorite Velocity segments has bitten the dust, as they announced on Smackdown this week that Mark Jindrak and Theodore Long have split up. It was nice to see Paul London and Billy Kidman moving on to bigger things as the new WWE Tag Champions, though they will be missed from the world of Velocity.

***

Veloci-Quotes... V One-uhhh!

Josh Matthews: Bill, what do you want to talk about first?
Bill DeMott: The dog.
Matthews: That's a French poodle.
DeMott: It's a dog.
Matthews: Alright, well, what would you like to talk about, Fifi?
DeMott: Why is there a dog here on Velocity?
Matthews: That's Rene Dupree's mascot, Fifi, the French poodle! I'm gonna get a mascot. What kind of mascot do you think I should get, Bill?
DeMott: You are a mascot.
- Josh Matthews: Metrosexual Mascot!

Bill DeMott: Well there's a second part of my question, now. (Josh makes a comment about the match.) Come on, I want an answer for this one.
Josh Matthews: OK.
DeMott: Why does Rene Dupree have those little marks above his name?
Matthews: Oh, those are accent marks.
DeMott: I don't have an accent.
Matthews: Yeah, but Rene Dupree's French.
DeMott: Rene Dupree is in the U.S. of A. (Josh tries to comment on the match.) We don't put accent marks on our name.
Matthews: (Josh comments on the match again.) What the Hell are you talking about?
DeMott: I'm just asking ques-- this is what I do!
Matthews: You've got everything happening on Smackdown. You've got a champion versus champion match, there was a champion stripped, we have brand new tag team champions, and you want to talk about accent marks!
DeMott: And we had the Mexican champion!
Matthews: That's what I'm talking about, the champion of Mexico, El Gran Luchador, going one on one with JBL!
DeMott: Well he didn't have accent marks above his name.
- Exactly, Bill, and I refuse to type them myself. Screw you, France! (Apologies to Euro Heat writer Celian Varini.)

After Nunzio landed hard on his butt:
Josh Matthews: Nunzio might have broke his tailbone.
Bill DeMott: That's his coccyx.
Matthews: I'm sorry, what?
DeMott: WHe broke his coccyx bone.
Matthews: Are you allowed to say that?
DeMott: WThat's the name of the bone. Coccyx!
- Bill said that way too eagerly. Time to stop hanging with Josh so much and go home to your wife, Bill.

As Rene Dupree did the French Tickler during the match:
Bill DeMott: What the Hell is this?
Josh Matthews: The French Tickler, by Rene Dupree.
- "What the Hell is this?" What a lot of people have been saying about Smackdown lately.

As Rene Dupree did the French Tickler after the match:
Josh Matthews: What is this?
Bill DeMott: It's the French Ticker!
Matthews: No, what is the French Tickler?
DeMott: I have no idea.
- Me either, Bill. Me either.

Josh Matthews: Make sure you pick up your copy of To Be The Man. Bill, did you read it?
Bill DeMott: I am the man.
Matthews: What?!
- No, I'm the man! That's it, Bill, it's on!

On Ric Flair's new autobiography:
Bill DeMott: You know, I, I'm sure there's a few chapters on Bill DeMott in that book.
Josh Matthews: (Sarcastically) Yeah Bill, I'm sure there are a few chapters about you. (Funaki walks out to his music.) Sho Funaki! I'm in Funaki's book!
DeMott: Funaki doesn't have a book.
Matthews: Yeah he does. It's a coloring book, in Japanese, and I'm all over it.
DeMott: How do you color in Japanese?
Matthews: (Trying to change the subject) Funaki and Sakoda gonna go one on one here on Velocity.
Matthews: Exactly.
- I want a Funaki coloring book!

After Funaki hit a right hand on Sakoda:
Bill DeMott: That was an illegal right hand, by the way. It was a closed fist.
Josh Matthews: Yeah, you're a real stickler for the rules, Bill.
DeMott: Rules are rules.
Matthews: (In a high pitched, nasally, almost alien voice) Rules are rules!
- That was the most insane thing I've ever heard Josh do. Pure genius.

Asking about the prices for tickets to the live Raw Diva Search special:
Bill DeMott: How much is that?
Josh Matthews: It's 250,000 dollars, Rainman.
- I don't know what the Heck Josh is referring to, but it was funny anyways.

Josh Matthews: It probably won't be a great Thursday night for Paul Heyman.
Bill DeMott: Well, wha wha wha what, wait a minute.
Matthews: (Mocking Bill DeMott) Wha wha wha wha wha WHA WHAAAAA?!
- More Josh insanity. Or Joshsanity, as I like to call it.

Bill DeMott: These two guys, Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly, I say it all the time, put the "F U" in fun. Get it? The F U in fun.
Josh Matthews: I thought Funaki put the F U in fun. 'Cause his name is Funaki. F-U-N-A-K-I.
DeMott: It's Foo-naki, not Fun-aki. Foo-naki's like a Greek thing.
- Sure it is, Bill. Sure it is.

Bill DeMott: Hard work pays off, and listening to Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott has paid off for Paul London and Billy Kidman, the new WWE Tag Team Champions.
Josh Matthews: Sure, I mean you did countless turning points on Paul London. That's all for Paul London to watch, scout, and get better, now he's a tag team champion!
DeMott: This is what we do, junior. Our job is complete.
Matthews: I feel good about ourselves now.
DeMott: You feel about yourself over there, I'll feel about myself over here.
- You couldn't resist the easy joke, Bill, could you?

Bill DeMott: You would think that both Bashams would have calluses on their chests from Hardcore Holly chopping them.
Josh Matthews: You would think that Hardcore Holly could be a good lumberjack. He doesn't need any tools or anything. He can just go to the woods and chop trees down with his arm.
DeMott: So what you're saying is Hardcore Holly belongs in the woods.
Matthews: Why do you always take things that I say and misconstrue them?
DeMott: You're calling one of the baddest men in this business a lumberjack.
Matthews: I'm saying that this guy can chop a tree down with his chops!
DeMott: That's not what you said.
Matthews: That what I-- why am I arguing with you?
DeMott: Because you're wrong!
Matthews: Stop talking to me! Please!
DeMott: (Referring to an earlier argument) Just another loophole.
Matthews: I don't know why you always do this to me.
DeMott: Just like Kurt Angle, I play by the rules. I go by what you say.
- If these two weren't on the debate team in high school, they should have been.

On the Gunn-Holly Bomb, or GHB:
Bill DeMott: Too much GHB, and no one is getting up.
- Drug references on Velocity?! Insanity!

***

I hope that your time mourning the traditional Theodore Long Veloci-quote about Mark Jindrak will be swift and that you can move on to acceptance. It won't be easy, but you can do it! Until next time, do good works and remember to smile!

Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink Fan Club. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at roemd03@stolafalum.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.

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