Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
June 26, 2004
Taped 6/22/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

Kids, we actually had a big cruiserweight match on Smackdown this week. Is the Velocity influence being felt? Love that! Let's hit it like a nail!

***

The Velocity intro that we've come to know and love, which for some reason still includes the nWo, rolled. The pyro went off and we got the neat behind the pyro camera shot. The crowd goes wild!

(1) Charlie Haas (with Miss Jackie) defeated Sakoda at 3:45.

Pre-Match Analysis: Charlie Haas came out with Jackie Gayda. No Rico, and no runway for Charlie to walk. This is truly a stepping stone in Charlie's career. Or not. Josh called Bill "Billy." Love that! Charlie also dipped Jackie in the ring. Are they swing dancers now? Since all the other cruiserweights appeared on Smackdown, cruiser pledge Sakoda came down. Apparently, the stipulation is that partners are banned from ringside. They also referred to Jackie as a manager, and if that's not crap, I don't know what is, unless they mean that she magically manages to keep her breasts in those miniscule outfits.

Match Analysis: Haas and Sakoda locked up, with Haas applying a side headlock, followed by a shoulder block and a fireman's carry. Sakoda went for a kick but missed, and Haas grabbed him and executed a series of amateur wrestling moves. Sakoda moved to the ropes for the break and hit a cheap shot on Haas. Haas whipped Sakoda into the corner and gave him a hip toss. Haas tried to follow up, but Sakoda hit a cheap shot, followed by a standing enzuigiri and a neckbreaker for a short cover. Sakoda applied a headlock, wrenching the neck of Haas before Haas moved to a standing position. Haas tried to fight out, but Sakoda hit a takedown. Sakoda took Haas to the corner and hit headbutts, followed by knee strikes with one last running knee strike from across the ring to polish things off. Sakoda hit a big right hand to Haas on the mat and went for another running knee strike, but Haas dodged and, as Sakoda was coming back off the ropes, Haas hung Sakoda up on the top rope. Jackie started trying to get the crowd behind Haas. Haas took control, firing with a series of right hands, a takedown, a shoulder tackle, and a big dropkick. Haas hit a big splash in the corner, a la his former partner Shelton Benjamin, followed by a modified suplex in the ring. Haas signaled for and locked in the Haas of Pain, leading to the tapout victory.

Match Grade: B-. Most of the match was nothing special, but it ended nicely with Charlie Haas pulling the Haas of Pain submission out of mothballs. That's not a bad thing, that's a good thing! Sakoda is still ridiculously bland, and I wouldn't be surprised to see him cut from the roster, unless they choose to utilize Akio and Sakoda in the tag team division. I think Akio and Funaki would be a better pairing, though. I want Sakoda versus Kenzo Suzuki in a Loser Leaves My TV match.

Still to come: Mark Jindrak (with Theodore Long) versus Hardcore Holly in a rematch from last week's Velocity, where Jindrak was victorious. Velocity continuity? Love that!

Up Next: A recap of this week's ten man cruiserweight battle royal from Smackdown. Sadly, Chavo Classic wasn't a participant, nor will he be a participant in anything else, ever. Hold me.

The promo airs with Paul Heyman narrating the Undertaker's dilemma, either doing the right thing or watching Paul Bearer get buried alive under liquid cement.

Commercial Break: Anchorman looks off the hook. Will Ferrell is a genius. It's jazz, baby!

WWE Sting of the Night: On Smackdown two weeks ago, Rey Mysterio hit the 619, Dropped the Dime, and picked up the Cruiserweight Championship.

Smackdown last Thursday: They started the clip with only three men left. Billy Kidman, Chavo Guerrero, and Jamie Noble were in the ring. Jamie Noble had the rebel flag on his tights, like the good ol' southern boy that he is. Chavo and Jamie Noble, boy, were teaming up on the face Kidman. Rey Mysterio was on commentary, doing a terrible, terrible job. Noble set Kidman up in the tree of woe, and Chavo was running in for the kill on Kidman, but Noble attacked Chavo before he could hit Kidman, pulling a "Benedict Arnold" as Michael Cole put it. There was some nice action here, but Chavo managed to eliminate Jamie Noble. Kidman shoved Chavo over the top rope, but Chavo landed on the apron and came back into the ring. Chavo hit a modified Gory Bomb to send Billy Kidman to the outside, which my casual fan friend who was watching with me didn't believe at all, as Chavo barely touched Kidman and he magically moved at a high velocity to the outside, as if he leaped there, but that's another story.

Rey Rey and Chavo are facing off for Rey's cruiser title at the pay-per-view. Also, Rey throws up double Westside hand signals in his match video thingy now. Don't cross Rey Rey or you might be taking a dirt nap, kid.

Up Next: Eddie Guerrero versus the Artist Formerly Known As Inspector Impact in OVW, Luther Reigns!

A promo rolls for the Hall of Fame DVD, and I am so sick of this that I want another DVD already. I mean, what about a Chris Benoit DVD? Eddie Guerrero? Kurt Angle?!!

Commercial Break: I believe there's a hero in each of us too, Aunt May. Spider-Man 2 is coming out next week. If you don't see this, you aren't my friend.

Smackdown Last Thursday: The Great American himself, JBL, went to Kurt Angle asking for Eddie to wrestle a match just three days before the Great American Bash. Kurt said he'd do it himself, but couldn't thanks to the broken leg. JBL said that he would too, but... well, JBL didn't really finish his thought. Anyways, both their eyes turned to Luther Reigns, and it was on!

Eddie and Luther wrestled. Kurt Angle wriggled out of his wheelchair and ran in with the WWE Title belt to give Luther the unfair advantage, but the plan backfired, with Eddie taking Luther down with the belt, tossing the belt to GM Angle, and the ref getting up and reprimanding Angle. Eddie played possum the whole time before going to the top rope and hitting the frog splash for a cover. However, before the pin could be counted, JBL ran in with the bullrope, choking Eddie Guerrero and tossing him around the ring before choking him once again and tossing Eddie to the outside, with the rope still attached to Eddie's neck. JBL used the rope to pull Eddie back to his feet as a "Bradshaw sucks!" chant filled the arena. JBL was pulling Eddie back into the ring, but Eddie pulled Bradshaw's neck down over the top rope. Eddie seized control of the bullrope and hit Bradshaw in the side of the head with the cowbell, followed by whipping Bradshaw with it. JBL bailed and started making his way to the back, but not before getting whipped by the bullrope on the hand.

Josh and Bill ran down the match. I swear, so many people hate JBL, that the heel inside of me wants him to win just to shove it in people's faces. Sadly, I think that Vince McMahon might have the same thought process. Only time... in fact, one more day, shall tell.

Commercial Break: Joe Schmo 2 has the intriguing twist this year of having one of the stars, Jane Schmo, aka Ingrid, actually being intelligent and realizing that something weird is going on. Good TV, though probably not good for the producers' blood pressure. They've also decided to air new episodes immediately following Raw. Love that!

WWE Slam of the Week: On Smackdown last Thursday, Sable said that she had lied earlier, and that Torrie Wilson's outfit made her look fat. Then Torrie said that Sable's outfit made her look easy. That was one step too far, no matter how true it was, and Sable attacked the red, white, and blue costumed Torrie Wilson, setting up a match at this Sunday's Great American Bash.

(2) Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli defeated Scoot Andrews at 5:20.

Pre-Match Analysis: Johnny Stamboli, representing the FBI while his partner Nunzio was in this week's ten man Cruiserweight Title contender match, made his way to the ring wearing his mad, phat bulletproof vest. Stamboli gave the thumbs down while walking out, but also slapped hands with fans, so I guess the FBI's face turn continues. His opponent, Ring of Honor regular Scoot Andrews, was already in the ring. Ring of Honor peeps in WWE? Fantastic!

Match Analysis: Stamboli and Andrews locked up. Stamboli took Andrews to the corner and shoved him in the chest. Andrews asked for a test of strength, but Stamboli squinted, doing his best DeNiro impression. As Stamboli went for the test of strength, Andrews hit a cheapshot with a kick to Stamboli's knee. Andrews seemed to have the advantage, but Stamboli hit a crazy cruiserweight-esque reversal and sent Andrews to the outside. Andrews came back in the ring and went to shake hands, but instead Stamboli hit a modified fireman's carry. Stamboli and Andrews engaged in a series of chain wrestling, including a snapmare from Stamboli into a submission hold on Andrews' arm. Bill DeMott sold Stamboli's experience in the WCW Power Plant. Andrews threw Stamboli to the outside, which the announcers sold big time, with Demott talking about what it was like as a wrestler to fall onto the mat outside. Stamboli came back in and hit shoulder thrusts from the apron, but Andrews reversed and hit a springboard legdrop on Stamboli in the ropes. DeMott made the point that Scoot Andrews has appeared on Velocity before. Andrews made a cover, but Stamboli grabbed the ropes. Andrews whipped Stamboli into the corner and went in, but Stamboli got his leg up. Andrews managed to hit a dropkick and made a cover for two. Stamboli hit a sunset flip and had a short cover, but Andrews reversed into a cover, Stamboli into a cover, Andrews into a cover, but Stamboli kicked out. Stamboli hit a spinebuster, driving Andrews into the mat hard for yet another cover, but Andrews kicked out. Shades of Pokerface, according to Josh! Stamboli took control once again, and hit a modified flapjack on Andrews for another near fall. Stamboli signaled for the military press, but Andrews countered. Andrews came off the top rope for a crossbody, but Stamboli caught Andrews, pressed him, and hit a swinging DDT for the pin.

Match Grade: B+. What the... This was freakin' great! Johnny Stamboli put in his best performance, well, ever, and Scoot was one of the best jobbers I've seen in a long time. He truly earned the comparison to Velocity jobbing legend, Pokerface.

Up Next: John Cena went mano a mano with the Dead Man on Smackdown, and we'll be checking it out, next!

Commercial Break: Scott "Carrot Top" Thompson is doing commercials for AT & T still. Worst yet, Carrot Top has a job. I don't. This world isn't fair.

A video vignette aired recapping the Undertaker's feud with the Dudleys, focusing on the kidnapping of Paul Bearer. Heyman claimed that the four of them together would be unstoppable. The Undertaker apparently joined Paul Heyman, kneeling down to Heyman, who was holding the urn. Heyman made clear that he intended to bring Undertaker to the point where he will follow Heyman of his own free will, but for now, he has to resort to other methods. For those who don't know, at the Great American Bash, the Undertaker's "conscience" (a description which they have been heavily emphasizing) Paul Bearer will be in a three inch thick glass chamber that will be filled with cement unless the Undertaker does "the right thing," whatever that may be.

Smackdown Last Thursday: The ref was down and Cena had Taker up, hitting the F U and making the cover, but the ref was still down. Even evil heel commentator Tazz made the point that Cena had the match won. Undertaker looked like he was dead, but all of the sudden Taker sat up and hit the chokeslam from out of nowhere, making a cover of his own, but the ref was still down. The Undertaker started looking to the corner as the announcers pondered what he was eyeing. He was looking at John Cena's chain, apparently symbolizing the loss of his "conscience." Taker grabbed John Cena's chain, wrapping it around his fist and delivering a big soup-bone right hand blow to Cena's head with the chain. As the ref came to, Taker hit the Tombstone Piledriver and made the crossed hands pin cover. Paul Heyman stood on the stage, holding up the urn with a maniacal smile crossing his face. The Undertaker stood in the ring, looking conflicted.

Josh and Bill ran down the card, including the Undertaker versus the Dudley Boys with Paul Bearer possibly getting murdered, John Cena versus Rene Dupree, RVD, and Booker T in a fatal four way elimination match for the U.S. Title, Sable taking on Torrie Wilson, Chavo challenges Rey Mysterio Jr. for the Cruiserweight Title, and Latino Heat takes on Wall Street Heat for the WWE Championship in the Texas Bullrope match.

Up Next: Mark Jindrak takes on Hardcore Holly in a Velocity rematch. Speaking of Hardcore, will the rumors of him having a match against Mordecai come true tomorrow?

A promo aired for the Texas Bullrope match. It's on tomorrow night on PPV, in case you didn't know. I'll be down at my local bar taking this one in. I'm thinking that my drinking will be inversely proportional to the quality of the show.

Commercial Break: Have you seen these retarded mobile phone commercials with the old people talking like they're not old people, talking about shizzle and bling and all that stuff? Not funny. Just disturbing. I refuse to shill for them by naming the product.

(3) Hardcore Holly defeated Mark Jindrak (with Theodore Long) at 5:35.

Pre-Match Analysis: Theodore Long's music played. His music is so much cooler than Mark Jindrak's, so I'm all about that. Long was in the ring with the mirror and, as per usual, introduced Jindrak while his stately, more dignified music hit. Teddy Long made the point that Jindrak is hardcore, and also noted that Long took Jindrak down to the projects and had his friends train Jindrak in the arts of thuggin' and buggin'. I don't know if I "beliedat," but sure.

Match Analysis: Hardcore Holly ran into the ring, but Jindrak took advantage of Hardcore's weaker position before he could stand up. Hardcore quickly took advantage with clubbing forearms, but Jindrak followed up with an axe handle. Jindrak hit a boot to the midsection and a big left hand. There was a huge "Hardcore" chant going. I have no idea why. Jindrak was going for a hip toss, but Hardcore reversed into a hip toss of his own. Josh Matthews noted on commentary that Hardcore Holly would be facing Mordecai at the Great American Bash tomorrow night. Gee, thanks for just throwing that out there, Josh. Hardcore hit chops on Jindrak in the corner, which Jindrak sold big time. Hardcore was laying the beatdown on Jindrak, choking Jindrak in the ropes. Theodore Long complained to the ref, and Hardcore left the ring to go after Teddy. As Hardcore was distracted, Jindrak hit Hardcore from behind and threw Hardcore into the ring. Jindrak hit a suplex and a cover for two. Jindrak choked Hardcore on the mat, but quickly released the hold. Jindrak hit a big left hand, sending Hardcore to the corner, as Jindrak is a southpaw. Jindrak whipped Hardcore to the other corner, which took Hardcore to the mat, followed by Jindrak with boots. Jindrak began with a modified rear naked choke on Hardcore, but Hardcore moved to a standing position and tried fighting out, but Jindrak took Hardcore down with clubbing forearms. Jindrak hit shoulder blocks on Hardcore in the corner before whipping him hard into the opposite turnbuckle. Jindrak re-applied the legal choke on the mat. Long yelled at the ref that Hardcore had given up. God, Long's a genius. Hardcore moved to a standing position and fought out. Hardcore ran the ropes, but Jindrak countered and scored a short two count. Jindrak hit a shoulder thrust on Hardcore in the corner, whipped Hardcore to the opposite corner and was running in, but Hardcore got both boots up. Hardcore moved up to the top rope and hit a flying crossbody for a two count. Jindrak whipped Hardcore and was going for a backdrop, but Hardcore stopped short and hit a forearm to Jindrak's back, followed by a clothesline for another short cover. Long was up on the apron, but Hardcore knocked him off. Jindrak hit his big dropkick for another cover, but Hardcore kicked out. Jindrak was trying to go up and over after getting whipped into the turnbuckle, but Hardcore caught him and shifted it into position for the Alabama Slam, which Hardcore hit and scored the uno, the dos, and the elusive tres!

Match Grade: B+. Mark Jindrak's win streak is over! Holy crap! This can't be a good thing for my fantasy team, of which Jindrak is a member. The finishing sequence was nice, and it put over the Alabama Slam in a big way. It will be too bad when Hardcore loses tomorrow night to Mordecai. I'm hoping that this is ignored and that Jindrak's winning streak continues. One can only hope, right? This match was a real slobberknocker, as good ol' JR would say, with Hardcore delivering his usual stiff shots. The upset win brings this match up a notch.

Final Show Grade: B. A solid episode of Velocity. Nothing insanely special, but everything was quite watchable. Haas and Stamboli both put in really strong performances tonight, and we had an interesting, competitive main event. Stamboli in particular really stole this show, and I hope that he can incorporate some of this into more of his matches in the future and continues improving in the ring. No Bill DeMott's Turning Point tonight, but hopefully that makes a comeback soon.

***

Veloci-Quotes.... V. One-Uhhh!

Discussing why Miss Jackie is allowed at ringside, while Rico and Akio weren't:
Josh Matthews: Miss Jackie's a manager, and that's why she's allowed at ringside.
Bill DeMott: Miss Jackie's no man... ager.
Matthews: Well, Miss Jackie will be one of the divas hosting the Great American Bash, live tomorrow night. I can't wait for the Great American Bash, it's going to be off the chain! I can't wait to see all the hottest divas of Smackdown hosting the Great American Bash!
DeMott: Wait a minute... manager.
Matthews: Leave it alone, Bill.
- Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Charlie Haas picks up a victory and hugs Miss Jackie as they leave the ring:
Josh Matthews: And hey, Charlie haas gets to hug Miss Jackie after every victory. I'd be trying to win everything if I was Charlie Haas. Literally, everything!
Bill DeMott: What... what?
Matthews: Charlie Haas gets to hug Miss Jackie after he wins a match! Don't you think Charlie--
DeMott: I can hug her! I can hug her!
Matthews: Don't you think Charlie Haas wants to win everything he can?
DeMott: (Silence.)
- I would be trying to win everything too, Josh.

After running down hair color and YJ Stinger sponsorship promos:
Bill DeMott: Do you think Johnny "The Bull" uses that hair color?
Josh Matthews: I think Johnny "The Bull" likes to feel the bling!
DeMott: What is "bling?"
Matthews: Mmm, it's like shiny objects.
DeMott: I don't like shiny objects.
Matthews: You've got some bling on.
DeMott: I don't have any bling on!
Matthews: That watch is pretty bling.
DeMott: That watch is black.
Matthews: You're right... it's not bling at all! (Loud childish laughter.)
Matthews: What?
DeMott: Nothing. Ha-- Have some professionalism, dummy! (More childish laughter.)
- Did Josh just call Bill "dummy?!" Ouch.

Josh Matthews: Bill, I'm sorry I called you dummy.
Bill DeMott: When'd you say that?
Matthews: What, you mean you didn't hear that?
DeMott: What?
Matthews: (Relieved laughter.) Oh, never mind then!
- I don't know whether Josh Matthews is a really really nice guy, or a really really mean one. Probably a little of both.

After Scoot Andrews kicked out of a cover from Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli:
Bill DeMott: That little flurry, uh, Scoot Andrews took a little bit out of the Bull!
Josh Matthews: Yeah, flurry, shades of Pokerface by Scoot Andrews!
DeMott: Pokerface?
Matthews: Scoot Andrews looks a little bit like Pokerface!
DeMott: Who's Pokerface?
Matthews: Aaah, never mind.
- Sadly, Bill DeMott does not know Velocity jobber legend Pokerface. And it's even funnier when you realize that Scoot Andrews looks absolutely nothing like Pokerface. For example, Scoot Andrews is black, and Pokerface is white.

After Scoot Andrews was defeated by Stamboli with a big swinging DDT:
Josh Matthews: Hey Bill.
Bill DeMott: What?
Matthews: Call up Scoot Andrews' mother...
DeMott: I know, I know, 'cause he's not going to be home for dinner.
Matthews: That's not exactly how it goes, but close enough!

Theodore R. Long: Let me holla at ya, playa! (Bill Demott: You knew this was coming!) You know, let me introduce to you right now, ladies and gentlemen, everybody knows the deal, let me introduce the Reflection of Perfection. Play the music! Everybody get ready to show your love! (The music hits and Mark Jindrak makes his way to the ring.) I want you to take a look at the man that has the body of Adonis, you feel me? I want you to take a look at the man that has the most prettiest face in the whole wide world. Now everybody knows, that has been established. But what you don't know is just how tough this man is, the Reflection of Perfection. This man is hardcore, ladies and gentlemen, and the other thing I want you to know, is that I took this man to the projects, where I'm from, introduced him to my thuggish friends, and they trained him in the craft of thuggin', and buggin'. Now you betta beliedat! So everybody get ready, as I get ready to take the robe, as I get ready to unveel the robe, from the body of excellence. I can't stand it, I can't stand it! Why don't you take it off, take it off, take it off! Look at it, everybody! See, there's only three words that you can say about this, and it's shoo', shucks, and sho' 'nuff! How 'bout that? Now go to the mirror, go to the mirror, the mirror don't lie. Dolla, dolla bills. Everybody stand up and rise. Everybody show your love for the Reflection of Perfection. Come on! Everybody over here, stand up. Everybody show some love!
- Freddie Blassie. Bobby Heenan. Teddy Long? Oh you know it, baby!

Josh Matthews: Hey, I tell you what though, Bill, Theodore Long had me at "Holler at your boy!"
Bill DeMott: I know two things for sure: --
Mattthews: Oh!
DeMott: -- Theodore Long knows where the projects are, and Mark Jindrak's never been to them.
Matthews: Those are the two things?
Hardcore Holly hits a big chop to Mark Jindrak
DeMott: The third thing is that hurt like Hell!
- Some insightful comments from Bill DeMott.

Josh Matthews: I don't think anyone likes anything that Paul Heyman does.
- At least not Vince McMahon.

***

Thank you for tuning in tonight. Tomorrow, the Velocity crew, probably with those Experience parasites, will be taking over Heat, so be sure to check that out, as well as my counterpart J.R. Maes' review of the show. Until next time, do good works and remember to smile. Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe is the junior WWE Velocity reviewer for PWTorch.com. He's also a Gumgod Pledge and the president of the Dusty Giebink Fan Club. If you have questions, comments, complaints, or just want a warm body to talk to, drop me a line at roemd03@stolafalum.com or find me on the Torch VIP forum.

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