By J.R. Maes, Torch team contributor

WWE Heat review
June 13, 2004
Live In Columbus, Ohio site of Bad Blood and home of Difrango.
Aired on Spike TV
Report by J.R.Maes, Torch Team Contributor

Whoa Nelly! We are but ONE hour away from the WWE’s ppv extravaganza, Bad Blood. You know what that means right? It’s time for one hour of recaps, backstage shenanigans and a whole heaping handful of hype. Plus, I have my eyes peeled for Difrango and crew. Make me proud Kevin; make us all proud, we believe in you!

It’s official; Heat needs a new opening graphic. If for no other reason than I have seen the same graphic for a year now. Sheesh, gotta keep things fresh WWE.

Todd Grisham and Ivory from a stage outside, welcome us to Heat as the camera pans the ugliest possible residents in Columbus. Seriously, did they pick out the fattest, slobbingly people possible and line them up?

Our WWE Experience hosts run down the card until they hand over the reins to Al Snow and Coachman. Coachman looks jacked in a Michigan muscle t-shirt. Well dammit, if he wears that in the ring I may have to pull for Coach.

Immediately we get our first video of the night.

Video 1: Eugene We get a best of highlight style package with Eugene licking Jerry Lawler, setting off Kane’s pyro and Gail Kim yelling as Eugene ogles her. Then, Coachman tells Eugene he is not a joke and that he was wrong in saying Eugene has no friends. Chris Benoit is next up on the list and then the people who like Eugene are highlighted. Coach apologizes and extends his hand. Coachman then introduces Kane and they attack poor Eugene.

They cut back live as Coachman laughs and Al Snow fakes disgust. Coachman says he gets to take care of Eugene once and for all in a couple hours. Looks like their match is after the women’s match. Al Snow then announces Maven is taking on Batista later on tonight. Ouch!

Commercial Break: Oh man, Joe Schmo 2 premiers Tuesday. Apparently, Matt from last season has done nothing with his life and has been called back in on active duty as the pimp for the new season. Hey, Joe Schmo was good, but another season?

Subway brings us a replay of Edge spearing Chris Benoit and Le Resistance capturing the tag titles. Subway, sweaty men, who’s hungry?

It is official; Le Resistance will defeat Edge & Chris Benoit in the opening match.

Backstage, Lillian interviews Robert Conway and Sylvain Grenier. Sylvain tells Lillian not to call him Rob, um, Rob. He is now going by Robert. Pronounced like Robairt. Sylvain announces they will be singing their national anthem before their match. Robert says Chris Benoit is like a typical greedy American, he wants it all. What? So Chris is an American now? When did he become a dual citizen? I thought all of this Canadian wrestling conversion crap had ceased?

Triple H is very good at beating people with sledgehammers, pedigrees, and trash can lids. How do I know? A video was shown of him doing those three things over and over.

Commercial Break More marijuana and drinking are bad commercials. Wonderful. You know in middle or grade school, if I would have gotten one less note in the pocket I would have never developed a drug and alcohol problem. These anti-substance abuse people ever think of that?

We are welcomed back by Ivory and Todd. We get a full run down of promotional people. Then, it’s time for Mike Roe and Dusty’s favorite portion of the program, the WWE skank…er….WWE Divas submission photo rundown. Not a whole lot of difference between these chicks.

Now, instead of hyping their pay per view we get a rundown of The Rock’s appearance at the MTV Movie awards. Rock is as personable as ever and gives a shout out at the WWE fans. He cannot wait to get back to the WWE fans and action. If you smell what the Rock is cooking. Coachman complains about The Rock being on television and for a record second straight week. I have no problem with Rock and WWE.

Backstage, Tyson Tomko, his tattoos and Trish are backstage. Trish tells Christian to put his feet up, make some popcorn and watch. She basically guarantees Christian is in the building. Nothing special is said here. Tyson Tomko talked and even one second afterwards I forgot what he said. On a side note, Trish’s hair looks awful. Is it humid in Columbus?

Friday night in Spartanburg, SC the WWE comes live to Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium for a live event. I have my tickets, how about the rest of you?

Commercial Break: As I am watching, this poor stupid girl’s skin is slowly being covered with foundation so her pimples are not so noticeable. Of course she says it is Clearasil but anyone who has dated in grade school knows, it’s all make up. N-Gage video games allows for two people who do not know each other to face off in silicon combat? Sounds cool but if I had a sword and someone challenged me they better hope they lose. All that training with a sword will come in handy afterwards.

Back outside the arena, Ivory and Todd go over the history of Shelton Benjamin and Randy Orton. Instead of an interview they cut right in with Chris Benoit and Kane. They have heavily hyped Benoit wrestling twice on the show. Anyone else think they may equate a low buyrate with Chris wrestling twice?

Video 2: Chris Benoit & Kane Chris Benoit tells us all in voiceover fashion that he is for real. Kane tells us that he is envious of Chris Benoit because he can lead a life of normalcy. Kane says he gets off on making people suffer. Time for some random footage of each wrestler’s offense, crossface, chokeslam, chops and more ending with Kane choke slamming Benoit

Backstage, well I guess it is backstage; Kane looks in the camera and breathes deep. That’s it, no words, no mouth, just eyes.

Ivory has some goofy ass eyebrows. They resemble Tammy-Faye Baker’s. I just hope Ivory’s are not tattooed on like Tammy’s. If you do not believe me watch “The Eyes of Tammy Faye.” She admits all.

Commercial Break: Well not really but a song by Seether is the theme song for Bad Blood. If the pay per view is as generic, boring and just plain bad as this band I will not be happy. Seether, Staind, POD, blah, blah, blah. Are all of the songs by these style bands written or produced by the same person, cause they all suck?

Coach and Snow give us one last hard sell for the event as they go over the entire card. Of course it is not a complete evening without a Triple H video chronicling his punishing behavior in the Hell In A Cell. Since this is the same video shown on Raw, I am not going over it. Although, the remixed version of Triple H’s entrance song they are playing is pretty good. No wait, that sucks too.

Matt Hardy and Lita enter the building. Al thinks having Matt in Lita’s corner may give her an advantage in the four-way championship match. This reeks of a setup in the worst way possible. It would be better if they show Lita sans Matt and have him run out later. But then by showing Matt it may get the teenage girls who still think he is cute to order. No, wait, teenage girls do not order PPV’s so nevermind.

Commercial Break: Does anyone else think the African-American guy dressed as Ric Flair in those Y2J Stinger contest commercials is a riot?

1) Batista defeated Maven. The Columbus crowd is hot tonight kids as they audibly cheer for Batista’s music. The biggest news though, Jerry Lawler is wearing a regular dinner jacket with a t-shirt underneath. Let us bow our heads in silent prayer for the death of an old tradition. Maven’s music cues and he gets a polite response. Somewhere in the crowd Difrango is yelling, “Where’s Maven?”

Maven is basically dwarfed by Batista, showing the real size of Batista. Batista manhandles Maven as the crowd’s life suddenly dies. Really, the crowd is absolutely dead now and I do not blame them. This is not very good. Batista gives Maven a vertical suplex and goes for the over. He gets a two count. Batista turns Maven over into a half crab. He has the move on in a way that there is no way he can be hurting Maven. Maven twists around and kicks him in the face a few times. Batista staggers but does not fall. Maven yells “fall down”, but Batista stays his course. Maven climbs up the ropes and finally fells Batista with a missile dropkick. Maven tires for a clothesline off the top rope but Batista punches him square in the jaw. My god that looked painful. Batista then picks up the limp Maven and gives him the sit down powerbomb for the three count.

Match Analysis: This was ugly. It killed the crowd having Batista dominate from beginning to end. Maven must still be working off some rust, as he looked lost at times. Ugly, ugly, ugly.

We go back to JR and The King. Lawler is now wearing a purple blazer and a black t-shirt. Where is that hairy chest we have all grown to love? Damn you WWE production, damn you to hell!

Jim Ross gives us a hard sell for the Hell In A Cell saying there has only been ten Hell In A Cell matches in history. This was a nice touch as it adds an importance to the match that for some may have been absent. Establishing that there have been a limited amount of these matches also shows the lengths that these two men will go to in eliminating each other.

Final Conjecture: It’s time for the PPV so who cares what I have to say really. Actually, if Heat was any indication, the Columbus crowd may be hard to please tonight. Also, make sure and check in next week for a very special one-year anniversary edition of me covering Heat. It takes something special for someone to move laterally for so long!

J.R. Maes welcomes any comments, oversights and opinions you have to share. Drop me a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com. If you send me e-mail please include something in the title of the e-mail saying what you are writing about. With so many viruses and worms floating around I delete anything I do not recognize. Also, my Lounge articles are posted sometime every Wednesday. Make sure and check it out. Until this Wednesday, don’t follow my path son, don't follow my path!

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