Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
May 29, 2004
Taped 5/25/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

It's Saturday baby, which means Velocity is here to be your low card lovin' fix. Let's rock and roll with J.M. and B.D.!

***

The WWE brand wide intro rolls (now with WWE Experience logo!), followed by the Velocity intro video and pyro that we've come to know and love. Time to send it down to Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott!

Sign of the Night: "I Did Not Approve This Sign." What does that even mean?

(1) The Full Blooded Italians (Nunzio and Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli) defeated Billy Kidman and Paul London when Nunzio pinned Billy Kidman at 6:43.

Pre-Match Analysis: Bill DeMott is wearing a shirt with freakin' flowers on it. And people say that Josh is the metrosexual of the pair! Josh Matthews claimed that it's going to be hard to fit everything into sixty minutes tonight. What, do they not have time for their seventeen recap segments? Billy Kidman and Paul London bust it out with their sweet entrance music, and I'm not crazy, because they showed a group of fans in the crowd bouncing with the music. Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott even commented on how great Kidman's music is, which proves once again why they're the best announce team in WWE. Paul London walked instead of running to the ring as he usually does, which the announcers noted. (See Veloci-Quotes!)

Match Analysis: Billy Kidman started things out against Nunzio. Nunzio asked the crowd to quiet down, while Kidman clapped his hands above his head to get them riled up. Kidman won. Kidman executed a takedown on Nunzio, but Nunzio made it to the ropes. Kidman locked a headlock on Nunzio, but Nunzio Irish whipped out of it. Off the ropes, Kidman took down Nunzio. Kidman was coming off the ropes for another move, but in a funny spot, Nunzio leapfrogged but Kidman had already stopped short. Kidman applied a lock, but Nunzio reversed into his own headlock. Stamboli tagged in. Nunzio slapped Kidman in the face. Stamboli had Kidman in a full nelson, but Stamboli released the hold in order to go on offense. It backfired as Kidman hit a tilt-a-whirl headscissors on Stamboli. Kidman hit an armdrag and held it into an armbar, tagging in London for a double team Irish whip. London hit a dropkick for a quick count on Stamboli. London went to the second rope and hit a Mushroom Stomp and a hurracanrana on Stamboli. Note: The Mushroom Stomp is named for the classic Super Mario Brothers stomp. Love that! London hit a jumping spin kick for another short count. Nunzio tagged in and took control, taking London down and hitting boots to the head. London regained control, but Stamboli hit London from behind to aid Nunzio. Nunzio flipped London into a chinlock. London stood out of the move and hit fists to Nunzio's gut. London went to the ropes but was stopped by Stamboli. Nunzio hit an Italian legsweep for a quick cover on London. Nunzio tagged in Stamboli, who hit a shot to the gut on London. London responded with a flurry of right hands. Stamboli lifted up London into a guerilla press. Stamboli went for a cover, but Kidman broke it up. Stamboli had London in a headlock, but London once again stood out of the move. Josh Matthews tried to sell the headlock as an attempt to keep the high-flying London grounded. Nunzio tagged in while Stamboli held London's leg to keep him from getting to Kidman. Nunzio missed, first with a kneedrop, and then an elbow, allowing London to tag in Kidman. Kidman hit a series of takedowns, followed by a backdrop, as well as dealing with Stamboli. Nunzio was stuck in the ropes, but Kidman allowed Stamboli to run into Nunzio's feet. London hit a missile dropkick to Stamboli while Kidman hit the BK Bomb on Nunzio. Kidman set Nunzio up for the Shooting Star Press, but while he was on the top rope, Stamboli knocked him off. It was hard to see, but Matthews later noted that it looked like Stamboli had something wrapped around his hand when he knocked Kidman out, which he then shoved into his tights. Nunzio went for the cover for the three count win.

Match Grade: B+. This was a really solid match. That wasn't a suprise, as Kidman and London always deliver and have proven their worth as a tag team. Here's hoping the powers that be take notice and move them up to the big show in the near future.

Up Next: Booker T let everyone know this week that he isn't afraid of the Undertaker.

A promo rolls for the Great American Bash. I'm digging the patriotic promo video and the fact that they're using some of that WCW history, and I hope that this event can actually deliver beyond expectations.

Commercial Break: Starship Troopers 2 is out! And it's going direct to video. No, I have no plans to ever see this movie.

WWE Rewind: John Bradshaw Layfield let us know that Mr. Angle has granted JBL permission to pick the stipulation for his match against Eddie G. at the Great American Bash. No, he didn't tell us what it is yet, because that would be too easy. We find out next Thursday.

Flashback: On this week's Smackdown, Booker T challenged Undertaker to a rematch on this coming week's episode of Smackdown. Booker said it's different this time, because he's not scared of Taker. Undertaker pulled off some of his hocus pocus, turning the lights off, hitting the Undertaker gongs, and shooting lightning bolts at each corner of the ring. Booker admitted that Taker was a little scary, but next week that won't matter because he's going to shock the world and beat the Undertaker. I can dig that, if it actually happens.

This week's Smackdown is also going to feature a Summer Break Out Bikini Contest between Torrie Wilson, Miss Jackie, Dawn Marie, and the returning Sable. Summer Break Out? What does that mean? I know Torrie's going to win, but if there's any justice, it will be Mensa member Miss Jackie! Or hey, at least the bootylicious Dawn Marie.

Still To Come: Mr. Angle confronted Eddie Guerrero during Eddie's match against Danny Basham. Angle talked about how he was legally responsible for Eddie's well-being.

Commercial Break: Monster.com says "today's the day" and makes big claims about getting you a job. Well hey, I'm currently unemployed. Where's my job, Monster? Where's my job?

WWE Sting of the Night: Chavo Classic defended his cruiserweight title against Akio, but Chavo Junior hit a swinging DDT on the outside on Akio while the ref's back was turned to aid Classic in picking up the win.

(2) Mark Jindrak defeated Shannon Moore at 4:59.

Pre-Match Analysis: Theodore R. Long walked out with Mark Jindrak instead of introducing him as he usually does. I was worried that we'd be deprived of Teddy Long promo goodness, but thankfully he still cut his usual jive once they got to the ring. Jindrak's mirror was waiting in the ring, and as usual, he threw off his cape and started posing for the mirror. He flexed and rubbed his hands down his chest. I thought he was going for the crotch, but thankfully he kept his hands to the sides. Shannon Moore ran down to the ring, pointing to the crowd and looking fired up. He posed in two corners of the ring.

Match Analysis: Jindrak looked cocky as he circled Moore. Jindrak and Moore locked up briefly, but Jindrak quickly shoved Moore to the ropes and started talking trash, followed by yet more posing. Jindrak had a cocky smile on his face as they locked up again. Jindrak quickly won, throwing Moore down to the mat. Moore held his head for some reason. Jindrak kicked Moore in the gut and threw Moore to the outside. He posed again, but Moore wasn't out as long as expected and ran back in, kicking Jindrak in the back and sending him to the outside, where he spoke with Long. DeMott said that Jindrak was whining like a baby. Moore hit a baseball slide to Jindrak and threw Jindrak back into the ring. Moore was going for a sunset flip, but Jindrak picked Moore up to his feet while Moore was trying to pull Jindrak over and hit a big clothesline on Moore, which looked as brutal as a Ring of Honor move. Jindrak kicked Moore on the mat and started choking Moore in the ropes. Jindrak yelled at Moore, showing that he was pissed that Moore went after his pretty boy face. Jindrak hit a vertical suplex for a two count. Moore hit Jindrak while he was standing up, but Jindrak hit Moore, taking him back down. Jindrak followed up with an axe handle, punches, and kicks. Jindrak picked Moore back up and hit a straight right hand to take Moore down, which the ref reprimanded Jindrak over. Jindrak applied a surfboard submission, but Moore stood out of it. Moore tried to Irish whip Jindrak, but Jindrak hit his big dropkick to take Moore down again. Jindrak did push-ups and ab crunches before nipping up and posing yet again. Jindrak was picking up Moore, but Moore unexpectedly hit a series of chops, followed by two running forearms and a spinning heel kick for a short cover. Jindrak picked Moore up and put him on the top rope, slapping the taste out of Moore's mouth. DeMott talked about the fire that we've come to expect from Shannon Moore matches. Jindrak was a bit stunned, allowing Moore to hit a sidekick off the top rope. Moore went for another move off the ropes, but Jindrak countered with a hit to Moore's gut. Jindrak hit the Mark of Excellence to win the match via pinfall. Long lifted Jindrak's hand following the match. Matthews said that Jindrak is money, and DeMott responded "For Teddy Long!" Matthews also commented on Jindrak's impressive win streak.

Match Grade: C+. Better than your average squash, and the match was good while Moore was on offense. However, Jindrak's matches seem to be all about linking together his various character bits (mirror pose, exercise in the middle of the match, Mark of Excellence finish) and he has yet to prove that he has earned his never-ending B-show push. Oh well, at least he's on my fantasy team over on the VIP boards, racking up the points.

Up Next: Eddie Guerrero was pissed that there were EMT's at ringside, because, you know, caring about your safety is lame, so he flipped over the EMT's stretcher while yelling at them.

Commercial Break: If I imitated Stevie Richards for the Catch The Buzz, Feel The Bling contest, would the judges even know there was a wrestler by that name on the WWE roster?

2 Weeks Ago: Rey Mysterio was tagging with Eddie Guerrero against the Dudley Boys and Eddie got hot tagged in, taking the Dudleys apart. However, Eddie collapsed into a catatonic state in the middle of the ring before he could win the match.

Flashback: Mr. Angle started this week's Smackdown with a backstage promo, letting Eddie Guerrero know that Eddie would be in action that night. I also noticed that Kurt has a cool new logo up in his office. Can I get something cool looking like that on a t-shirt instead of ridiculous looking Eugene merchandise? No? Darn. Anyways, Angle first made a snide remark about EMT's being by the ring for "when" Eddie collapses, followed by correcting himself by saying "if" Eddie collapses.

Eddie walked to the ring and, as previously noted, went buckwild, throwing the stretcher around while yelling at the poor EMT's for trying to be helpful. Guerrero got in the ring and took Danny and Doug Basham down, even though it was supposed to be a singles match against Danny. However, Mr. Angle's music hit and he used his neat lift thing to appear on his big patriotic box behind one of the glass sections on stage. Angle said that he had figured out Eddie's plan. Angle claimed that Eddie was going to take on Danny Basham and fake an injury, and would then sue Angle. Angle banned Eddie from wrestling until Eddie signed a complete waiver to free Angle of any legal responsibility. Eddie still threw Danny Basham over the top rope anyways.

Up Next: Rene Dupree took on John Cena for Cena's U.S. Title in a lumberjack match on this week's Smackdown.

The usual promo for upcoming Smackdown events plays, and apparently WWE is heading to Italy. I demand that the FBI be used as main eventers over there! Come on WWE, do you really have to embarrass them in front of their home-country fans?

Commercial Break: Vin Diesel is starring in the Chronicles of Riddick, which is a sequel or prequel or somethingquel to Pitch Black. Great, another Vin Diesel movie. Watch me get excited. Keep watching... Sorry, don't think it's going to happen.

Flashback: Cena and Dupree battled over Cena's U.S. Title in a lumberjack match on Smackdown. The heels helped out Dupree while the faces helped out Cena. The heels were on the left and right sides of the ring, while the faces covered the other two sides. I was glad to see this match because it at least meant that Paul London, Shannon Moore, and the rest of the cruiserweight division got to be on Smackdown. Not wrestling or even really doing much of anything, but hey, it's all about small miracles. Mr. Angle watched from the top of his big patriotic flag-covered box at ringside. Booker T was the lumberjack with perhaps the most notable interference, beating down Cena on the outside. Cena still managed to overcome the evil heel lumberjacks and retained his title. The babyface lumberjacks lifted Cena up on their shoulders after the match, while Cena yelled at Mr. Angle.

Up Next: Billy Gunn will be taking on Sakoda. Wait, this is the main event? Worst... Velocity main event... ever.

A promo runs for the quarter million dollar Raw Divas Search. Where's the Raw Announcer Search? Come on, I am so there!

Commercial Break: I argue that you can make up a catchphrase, despite what that Burger King ad says. See my little sign off for evidence of that... Although I admit that I ripped one third of it off from Ryan Seacrest and one third from Garrison Keillor. That "remember to smile" bit is all Roe though!

(3) Billy Gunn defeated Sakoda at 5:10.

Pre-Match Analysis: Billy, we know you're an ass man. We don't care. You could be a leg man, a breast man, an ankle man, we still wouldn't care. Josh put over Gunn's accomplishments, including being a ten-time tag team champion as well as a winner of the now defunct King of the Ring tournament. Sakoda came out without Akio for some reason. Was that DDT on Smackdown really that bad? Sakoda was wearing white tights with Japanese characters on the side, which are pretty slick looking.

Match Analysis: Gunn clapped to get the crowd into the match. Gunn and Sakoda locked up. Gunn shoved Sakoda into the corner, but Sakoda yelled at the ref to get Gunn off of him, before turning to yell at the crowd. Wow, Sakoda speaks English! Wait, he speaks period! Gunn applied a wristlock and hit elbows to Sakoda's arm to make the hold that much worse. Gunn twisted it into a reverse wristlock, but Sakoda reversed into his own wristlock. Gunn tried to reverse again, but Sakoda reversed once more into a takedown and a headlock on the ground. He got a short cover when Gunn's shoulders fell. Gunn hit a takedown into the same move, getting his own cover. Gunn hit a shoulder block for another short cover on Sakoda. Sakoda hit Gunn in the gut with a couple of big kicks. Gunn hit a pair of deep armdrags, followed by a hip toss for a short pin cover. Sakoda grabbed ref Charles Robinson and hid behind him. As Gunn began to walk toward the pair, Sakoda surprised him with a quick kick to the gut and hit a single arm DDT. Instead of going for the cover, Sakoda started pointing to his head and telling the crowd how smart he is. Sakoda kept working on Gunn's left arm, pulling it down over the ropes. Sakoda went for another quick cover. Sakoda applied a modified armbar, working on Gunn's shoulder. Matthews talked about Sakoda utilizing "strong style" offense. Gunn moved to a vertical base and got out, going off the ropes, but Sakoda slammed him for a short cover. DeMott talked about Sakoda coming close to dropping Gunn on his head. Hey, that's Ring of Honor's gimmick! Sakoda went to the second rope and looked to be going for a stomp on Gunn, but Gunn got his boot up, sending Sakoda into the corner. Gunn and Sakoda exchanged right hands, but Gunn got the better of the exchange and hit a right elbow to Sakoda, taking him down. Sakoda hit a nice STO (sort of an inverted Russian leg sweep, for those who don't know this sweet move) for another pin cover. After Gunn kicked out, Sakoda held his head in disbelief. Gunn hit a shot to the midsection, followed by the Famouser/Fameasser (whichever you prefer) for the victory.

Match Grade: C+. This was the first time Sakoda really showed anything in my eyes. He's definitely not as talented as his partner Akio, but he showed some personality and turned it up in there. However, I have no idea what they're doing with Gunn. Is he a singles competitor? Part of a make-shift tag team? Part of a full-time tag team? Does anyone care?

Final Show Grade: B-. Another so-so week on Velocity, though I'd still put it up against a lot of the stuff on Smackdown every week. I would have flipped the card around, putting that great tag match in the main event. However, we did have one breakthrough performance from Sakoda, as well as the usual cruiserweight athleticism and excellent promo work from Velocity regular Theodore R. Long.

***

VELOCI-QUOTES... V. ONE-UHHH~!

As Billy Kidman's music plays while Kidman and Paul London walk to the ring:
Bill DeMott: You like this music.
Josh Matthews: I think Billy Kidman's got the best theme music in all of sports entertainment. And, I think Paul London walked to the ring, because normally, yeah, Paul London sprints down to the ring, but I think now that he's aligned himself with Billy Kidman, Billy Kidman said "No, Paul, let's walk to the ring and conserve your energy for the FBI."
–Praising my favorite WWE theme song and making an acute but humorous observation? Genius!

As Paul London hit the Mushroom Stomp:
Josh Matthews: (Singing the Super Mario Brothers music) Do do doot, do do doot, doot!
Bill DeMott: How come you're the only one who hears that music?
Matthews: What music?
DeMott: (Futilely trying to sing the Super Mario Brothers theme) Doo doo .. doo...
Matthews: It's Mario Brothers!
DeMott: It's Paul London and Billy Kidman!
Matthews: You remember Mario Brothers, right?
DeMott: Oh, I get it.. FBI, Italian... Mario Brothers!
Matthews: Well, not really, but, you're close!
–It's nice to have an announcer that actually seems in touch with pop culture references... as opposed to everyone else in WWE.

After playing a clip of Chavo Classic's title defense:
Josh Matthews: Well we go from old school... to (Struggling to come up with a transition)... (Quickly) all about Mark Jindrak.

Theodore Long: Let me holler at ya, playa! You know, as each and every one of you feast your eyes on the winning prize, I say to you right now, I demand that each and every one of you rise to your feet and get ready to show some love for the Reflection of Perfection. Now beliedat! Everybody show your love! Show your love! Everybody, right now, stand up! (Mark Jindrak starts to take off his cape) Not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet. You see, we not gonna be like all you people. We're not gonna be cheaters. We're gonna give you your money's worth tonight. Not only did you pay good money to see it, but America is watching television all over the world, and America needs to see it. Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll. (Long makes drum roll noises) Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off. (Jindrak flings off his cape) My, my my my. Glory, glory, glory, hallelujah! My my my my my! Now go to your domain. (Jindrak steps in front of the mirror and poses) Take a look at it! You're bigger than life. This man is like a Band-Aid: If you look at him, he'll be stuck on ya, stuck on ya. Everybody stand up and rise. Everybody show your love.

Bill DeMott: A Band-Aid? (Long pause) A Band-Aid.
Josh Matthews: I take it you don't like that analogy Bill?
DeMott: I don't get it!
–How is it that Bill DeMott acts so clueless but still manages to seem cool, but the A show announcers all sound like out of touch tools?

Bill DeMott: That's a little scary.
Josh Matthews: A little?
DeMott: Rubbing the belly... feeling the chin.. glory glory...
–I have no idea what DeMott was talking about, and couldn't quite understand his mumbling. He's still better than Lawler screaming "Puppies!" though.

Bill DeMott: Did you know Mark Jindrak has a name for the mirror?
Josh Matthews: No!
DeMott: Abacus.
Matthews: Abacus the mirror?
DeMott: Abacus is the mirror.
–What the...

Bill DeMott: I still... I don't know, I, I'm still a little taken aback by, by everything that's happened with the cruiserweight title, to be honest with you. I don't know who holds the title. I know who wears it, I just don't know who holds it.
–Bill DeMott has his finger on the pulse of America!

After Shannon Moore hit Mark Jindrak in the face:
Mark Jindrak: You want to mess with my face? Huh? You want to mess with my face?
–This was actually pretty intense. Maybe Jindrak isn't just a big lug.

As Bill was stammering:
Josh Matthews: You're, you're all confused, huh Bill? Perplexed?
Bill DeMott: I'm befuddled.
Matthews: Befuddled? I'm just waiting 'til you see Smackdown this upcoming week!
–OK, Josh went into talking about the Undertaker, but that was pretty funny, intentional or not.

Bill DeMott: Booker T said he's not afraid of the Undertaker's little power? Are we the only two paying attention around here?
–Yes Bill. Yes you are. Also, quick thought: Is it just me, or does DeMott look a bit too much like Mark Madden?

Bill DeMott: What the Hell is going on on Smackdown?
–DeMott again voices what's on the minds of wrestling fans around the world.

Bill DeMott: He looks great! Physically.
Josh Matthews: No doubt about it.
–Did I accidentally change over to Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?

Bill DeMott: ...what are you doing Memorial Day weekend? You know, this weekend.
Josh Matthews: I'm excited, Bill! Long weekend... I'll be hanging out by the pool, drinking margaritas...
DeMott: You got a pool?
Matthews: Yeah! Grill some steaks...
DeMott: You don't grill a steak.
Matthews: I do.
DeMott: You grill cheese!

Josh Matthews: What are you going to be doing for Memorial Day, Bill? Why don't you come over to my house?
Bill DeMott: We spend enough time together.
Matthews: I'll let you paint my deck!
DeMott: You'll let me what?
Matthews: Paint my deck.
DeMott: I'm gonna paintbrush you in a minute!
Matthews: What does that mean?
DeMott: I'm gonna slap ya! Paint your deck...
Matthews: Alright, well, if you don't want to, no big deal.
–"Paint my deck?" Is that a euphemism for... never mind.

Bill DeMott: Michael Cole said it best...
–It doesn't matter what he's talking about, Michael Cole couldn't have said it best!

***

I'll see you Friday in the lovely Lounge for yet another award winning Daydream Believer, and back here next week for what will hopefully be a return to being the true A show for Velocity. Until next time, remember to smile and do good works. Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe is currently reading Waking The Dead by John Eldredge, listening to Tamyra Gray's debut album, and watching an American Idol DVD. Mike can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or on the VIP Forum. You can also read his unique wrestling insights every Friday in his Daydream Believer Lounge column.

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