By J.R. Maes, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Heat review
May 23, 2004
Taped 5/17/04 in Phoenix, AZ
Aired on Spike TV
Report by J.R.Maes, Torch Team Contributor

Good Sunday everyone and welcome back for another edition of the highest rated B-show that the WWE currently produces as well as the second best show overall, Sunday Night Heat. You will all be relived that I am felling much better this week and that I will also be back Wednesday with another hastily thrown together column in The Lounge. Not sure what I had come down with since the doctor never friggin told me but I did receive a shot and then went out and purchased some of those “legal” drugs from the pharmacy.

“Oh baby, the A-Team is back in the house!” says Jonathon Coachman as Heat kicks off this week. Rhyno’s music blares and the audio-sweetener lets us know Rhyno is a face this week! Steven Richards music booms and the audio-sweetener let’s us know we should be indifferent. On to the match!

1) Rhyno defeated Steven Richards They start with a stare down that ends with Steven slapping Rhyno hard across the face. Rhyno fires back with punches and a high backbody drop. Steven rolls out of the ring avoiding a gore. He slides back in the ring and Rhyno chases him back out. Steven though sets up Rhyno and gives him a drop-toe hold into the ringside steps. Rhyno rolls in the ring at the count of eight and Stevie stomps his foot in dejection. Steven slows down the action with a headlock for the contests’ first resthold. Rhyno has none of that and elbows Stevens’ gut and then gives him a back suplex. Stevie is lifeless and Rhyno is holding his neck on the mat. The referee counts nine and both men rise up. Steven bounces off the ropes but Rhyno catches him with a powerslam. Rhyno cracks Stevie in the jaw with a stiff punch and then nearly obliterates Stevie with a spinebuster. Rhyno’s’ eyes glaze and he GORE, GORE, GORE’s Steven Richards straight to hell and easily gets the three count.

Match Satisfaction: Hell yeah! This is why Heat is the second best show on WWE television. The crowd was definitely invested in the match as the audio-sweetener took a back seat for the actual crowd counting along with the referee. How Rhyno has become more popular on Heat than he ever was on Smackdown is beside me but who cares? He looks more comfortable and plays up the crowd much better. Steven was perfect tonight. Seems he is getting over the loss of Victoria as his posture indicated he was done sulking. Put these two on Smackdown and watch them succeed.

Commercial Break

Now playing: Eugene/ Rock’s Raw Segment Eugene is getting the verbal beatdown from Coachman. Coachman says the only reason he, Eugene, has a job is the fact he is Bischoffs’ nephew. He says Eugene has no friends so hit the road. Eugene sulks up the ramp until “If Ya Smelllllllaaaa.” Sweet Jesus, it’s the Rock. Even a 103-degree fever could not stop me from waking up and watching this last week. Rock says Eugene is going nowhere. He says the way that people have been reacting to him means they like you. Coachman is not your friend. Rock says screw the coach and the sheep, err, fans chant along. Rock says he needs to remember that one. He says it would be an honor to be Eugene’s friend. He continues saying everyone will chant the following everywhere, Coach is a popcorn fart. Um, huh? But the sheep chant along. Coach cuts him off and says the last time he saw Rock he was getting his ass kicked at Madison Square garden. Good point by Coachman for a change. Rock asks if that is what he thinks, before he can answer Eugene says, “It doesn’t matter what you think,” and then he hops in place. Rock asks if they want to see them play a game. Someone in the crowd suggests screw the Coach. Rock, quick wittedly comes back with” No one wants to see the screw the Coach game. Damn man.”

He suggests playing kick Coach’s ass when out of nowhere Garrison Cade stomps down Eugene and then goes after Rock. Eugene comes back and they clear the ring of Barry Windham Jr. The segment ends with Rock starting the people’s Elbow and Eugene finishing the move to a gigantic pop. Damn that was fun all over again.

Commercial Break

Tuesday there is an Underworld special edition with extra scenes hitting the shelves? If they explain how they got Kate Beckinsdale in that outfit I am all over that DVD. Uh, oh they follow this with a “Don’t steal cable you criminal” ad. Is it really worth it? You know, stealing cable. Giving all of these giant media corporations more of a reason to jack up their already inflated licensing fees and contract prices, which of course is passed right along to paying cable customer? Well, is it? I say, hell yeah, steal what you can until it means jail time!

2) La Resistance defeated Aaron Aguilera and Chad Wicks Sweet, it’s Rob Conway and the other guy. Seriously, is there any money to be made with Sylvain? In short, no, not a dime. Rob Conway on the other hand should and could be a solid mid-card, lower main event player. Yep, I said it. The other guy starts the match with Double A. Sylvain shoulder blocks Aaron and then slaps his chest. Sylvain does some nice leapfrogs but he gets hip tossed for his efforts. Conway comes in and kicks Aaron in the back of the head. The Other Guy tags in Conway and he takes over the offense. Wick distracts the referee allowing Le Resistance some prime double-teaming. Conway tags out and The Other Guy takes over. Aaron Aguilera falls in the ropes and Grenier distracts the referee. Out of nowhere, Conway slugs the kid straight between the eyes. The crowd starts chanting “Eugene” Coachman says Le Resistance has not missed a beat since becoming a twosome instead of a threesome. Aaron Aguilera finally has enough time for a tag and Chad Wicks comes in and immediately cleans house. Aaron Aguilera rejoins the action and kicks Conway in the face. I guess that’s what they call payback cause it looked stiff. The end finally comes as Aguilera tries clotheslining Conway over the top rope but Conway ducks and tosses him over. Le Resistance quickly put away Chad Wicks with their wicked spinning neckbreaker sideslam combo, which needs a name.

Match Satisfaction: Normally I add my two cents here but I have a special guest for everyone. It’s Bob Holly. Bob take it away.

First off Bradshaw says you are nothing but a closeted gay who covers wrasslin on the Internet and do not have a girlfriend. He says you want to be like him and that’s what all the negativity is really about. Nevermind the fact you want to be him, have his muscles and all of his money, fame and power. So go masturbate over in the corner until I am finished here.

Um, Bob, I have a fiancée now so technically I do not have a girlfriend cause, um, well, I upgraded so to speak. Besides covering Heat is nto really covering wrestling most of the time.

You trying to show me up? Get over in the corner, now! All I have to say I this talk of threesomes and twosomes in wrestling has got to stop. We gotta kill the queers around here ya know. Some of “those people” may like the backdoor shenanigans but they have no place in our sport. A sport of oiled up, long locked, darkly tanned, well-muscled gladiators rolling around on the mat as they confront each other in the most primal of all combat. F$#k them Queers, no wait that’s not what I meant. I mean kill the Mexicans, err, kill the queers, and all hail the Fuehrer. Now zip up your pants and back to your “job” queer-boy.

Um, thanks Bob. For the record my pants were never unzipped. Besides I am wearing shorts.

Commercial Break

Now playing: The battle Royal on Raw The action starts with Jericho eliminating Ric Flair. The action moves along uncut as Bautista tosses Jericho, hard, from the ring. Kane then goes on his rampage until Buatista stands up and the two monsters go toe-to-toe. I loved this part of the battle royal. The crowds’ reaction as well as Jim Ross’ made this a memorable encounter despite the fact Bautista and Kane have squared off in the past with very little fanfare. They clash and Edge eliminates Bautista. But you know what hey do here

Commercial Break

Back from break, the action picks up again with Triple H, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton and Kane in the ring. Randy tosses Shelton over the rope but he grasps the top rope and finally hooks his leg around the bottom rope. The crowd cheers in approval. Orton and Triple Chins double team Shelton, down Bob, but Shelton comes back with a double clothesline from the second rope. Kane gets back in the action but Shelton kicks him square in the head with his dragon whip kick. Benjamin then tosses Randy Orton out of the ring. Shelton gives the Bling Bling splash to Kane twice but the third time Kane catches him and goes for the chokeslam. Shelton squirms out by kicking him square in the nuts and Kane slumps down. Triple H sneaks behind him and dumps Shelton over the top rope, eliminating the man. Out of nowhere Shawn Michaels runs in the ring and attacks Triple Chins. He then tosses him over the top rope, eliminating Hunter. The bell rings and Kane laughs as he leaves the ring. Kane was awesome as he looked out at the crowd and laughed at them. Shawn escaped into the crowd where DDP and the crowd showed him love.

Commercial Break

Funny story here and a lesson should be learned for all of the younger readers. I share this as a gift and for no other purpose, self serving or otherwise. If you happen to go to a Greek Festival in your area make sure you do not sure you do not do the following. One, do not drink more than ten beers in two hours regardless of your thirst. Two, once you make your way around the entertainment portion of the festival, make sure not to seat yourself around other people in your inebriated state. Three, and most important, when the contemporary Greek musicians begin playing go with the flow. Do not point out that the group may be lip-synching or that they may not even be playing their own instruments regardless if there is a drum beat in the song and there is no drummer in the band. I cannot stress this part strong enough, whatever you do, under no circumstances are you to stand up and yell” Posers! You are not even plying your instruments.” More importantly, do not turn to the crowd of people watching and repeat the line. Nor should you repeat this statement when the police approach you. Just a little friendly advice. Now back to the show.

3) Garrison Cade defeated Hurricane Stand back, there’s a glorified jobber in need of a storyline coming though. Garrison Cade must have stolen the incriminating pictures of the McMahons that Rikishi had. He is main-eventing his second Heat. You know, I actually recognized those first few seconds of his entrance music so he must be gaining in notoriety somehow. Garrison Cade is 6’5 230 pounds of solid, according to Coachman. Solid what, well, he never tells us?

Hurricane locks in a headlock but then tries a shoulderblock that of course does not work. Hurricane poses and quickly pokes him in the eyes. Hurricane drops Cade on the mat and sets in an armbar. Out of nowhere A Snow admits he has his best pay-per-view record with the Coach. Is this true? Octavio get on this immediately.

Hurricane gets tossed ringside and then tossed right back in the ring. Cade covers him for a two count and then locks in the freakin abdominal stretch. When was the last time anyone used that move? Hurricane though, hip-tosses out. Cade though gave Hurricane a knee to the gut. But Hurricane comes back and this Cade with a Blockbuster from the second rope. Hurricane gives Cade two leaping clotheslines and a flying DDT. Hurricane rolls him over but only gets a two count. Hurricane went up top but Garrison crotched him. Cade then gave Hurricane an impressive lariat. Cade quickly climbs up the ropes and lands his pretty elbow drop for the three count.

Match Satisfaction: Garrison Cade is growing by leaps and bounds recently. The only problem however is the fact he still looks bland. The cowboy boots he wears are obscured by the giant knee brace he wears and he looks like the friendly neighborhood Allstate agent. If he is supposedly the “Future” as Coachman called him then he needs a tweaking. It can be a very simple one. Just grow his hair longer. Not shoulder length but down to his ears. On top of that he needs some facial hair. Something like Triple H’s beard or a goatee of some sort.

Final Conjecture: A good edition of Heat ladies and gentlemen. We had some special guests as well as some really good action from the curtain-jerker and the main-event. I am beginning to think that the Raw brand has secret made a pact with the Devil. The deal must have been worked out the day after the draft. Beginning with the first edition of Heat after the draft up until now, Coach has been less annoying. In fact the announcers actually have differing opinions instead of patting each other on the back all the time. The wrestlers have actually been diversified a bit. Instead of Hurricane and Rosey, now it is just Hurricane and who can complain about that?

J.R. Maes welcomes any comments, oversights and opinions you have to share. Drop me a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com. He also suggests reading books and breathing, preferably at the same time. If you send me e-mail please include something in the title of the e-mail saying what you are writing about. With so many viruses and worms floating around I delete anything I do not recognize. Also, my Lounge articles are posted sometime every Wednesday. Make sure and check it out. Until this Wednesday, don’t follow my path son, don't follow my path!

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