Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
May 22, 2004
Taped 5/18/04 in Las Vegas, Nevada
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

It's time for Saturday Night Velocity! Actually, it's officially just Velocity, yet we have Sunday Night Heat for some reason. A surprising number of cruiserweights appeared on Smackdown this week, though two of them were just there to be muderized by Mordecai. Who will be making up the Veloci-roster tonight? Let's find out!

***

Is it just me, or does it look stupid to have the Rock in the intro when he's never around and just appeared on Raw this week? Also, Smackdown got a new intro, any chance Velocity gets a little love in that department? Yes, I know the answer is no.

(1) Mark Jindrak (with Theodore R. Long) defeated Paul London in 4:00.

Pre-Match Analysis: Theodore Long was in the ring with the looking glass mirror to start the show. Long went off on the Las Vegas crowd, letting the audience know that they were losers. However, Mark Jindrak was there to show everyone what a winner looks like! Looking at Jindrak's win/loss record, I agree. I swear, Mark Jindrak is getting more squash match wins than Goldberg! Jindrak came out wearing his shiny silver cape, and it looks likes they added something to help fasten the thing shut while he's walking down to the ring. They've also added "Reflection of Perfection" beneath Jindrak's name in his intro. "Hey youuuuuuu!" Paul London came running down to the ring, sans Billy Kidman, likely thanks to the fact that Kidman was taken out by Mordecai on Smackdown this week.

Match Analysis: Jindrak and London locked up. Jindrak gained the early advantage, tossing London into the turnbuckle. Jindrak offered London one free shot to the ribs. Jindrak let loose with a kick, but Jindrak no sold it. Jindrak offered London another free shot, with both arms behind his back. London hit an enzuigiri to the back of the head this time, sending Jindrak to the mat. Jindrak Irish whipped London, but London baseball slid underneath Jindrak's legs and hit a spinning heel kick to Jindrak. Jindrak made a cover for a short count. London went to the top rope, but Jindrak dropkicked London to the outside with his ridiculously high dropkick. Jindrak brought London back in the ring and hit a suplex for a two count. Jindrak picked London back up and locked on the bearhug. London hit fists to Jindrak's head, but apparently it's empty since Jindrak no sold the shots. London bit Jindrak, allowing London to get out of the hold. Jindrak went for a backdrop, but London reversed into a short pin cover. Jindrak gained the advantage and took London down. Jindrak did ab crunches before nipping up to his feet. Jindrak splashed London in the corner, but London managed to dropsault Jindrak to the outside. London hit an Asai moonsault to the outside. I hope Ultimo Dragon's not watching! DeMott argued that London should have stayed in the ring for the countout victory. London threw Jindrak back inside and hit a springboard moonsault for two. London hit a kick to Jindrak's chest and was attempting to follow up off the ropes, but his move was reversed into the Mark of Excellence for the pin and the win. After the match, DeMott said that London just needed one more high flying move for the victory.

Match Grade: B. Paul London was allowed a surprising amount of offense here, despite Mark Jindrak being the new Sean O'Haire when it comes to the Velocity squash match. London really turned it out, and it's criminal that this guy isn't on Smackdown each and every week. Also, shouldn't they mention his tag partner Billy Kidman being savagely beaten? Mark Jindrak definitely has a fantastic look, though his ringwork needs some more work before he'll be more than just another big man.

Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn will be facing off against the Basham Brothers later tonight. Gee, do you think the Bashams will switch places with each other at some point?

Up Next: John Cena versus Rene Dupree for the United States Championship in a Judgment Day rematch from this week's Smackdown. Sadly, no Velocity Thuganomics this week.

A promo rolls for Cheating Death, Stealing Life, Eddie Guerrero's Biography-style special this Wednesday on UPN. Eddie Guerrero actually has lived a fascinating life, and I'm excited for this special. I'm not excited for when it comes out on DVD with a few neat extra features for a ridiculously exorbitant price, but hey, what ya gonna do?

Commercial break: Skittles: Taste The Rainbow. How long until they get Rico for their spokesperson? Oh, that's right, never.

Flashback: Rene Dupree got another shot at the U.S. Title on Smackdown this week. Yes folks, it looks like the Great American Bash is going to be Judgment Day all over again! This will likely last until the GAB, as will the Eddie/JBL feud and more. John Cena broke the French flag over his knee for the cheap pop (copyright Mick Foley/Derek Burgan) and threw the flag to the other side of the ring, distracting the referee, which allowed Dupree to low blow Cena and roll into the ring for a countout victory. What? Dupree doesn't want the title or something? Dupree delivered a sitout driver to Cena following the match, accompanied by the one and only French Tickler dance. Cena and Dupree will be wrestling again this Thursday in a lumberjack match.

Tonight: The Basham Brothers versus Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly. To think, the Basham Brothers were tag team title holders mere months ago, but now Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly have a bigger push. Mr. Ass and Sparky Plugg. Greeeeat.

Commercial Break: Wait a minute, the biggest star that Spike TV has other than wrestlers is Funkmaster Flex? Wow. Something tells me that guy from the Joe Schmo Show has a Spike TV job for life.

WWE Sting of the Night: This past week on Smackdown, in a three way Cruiserweight Title match between los Chavitos and Spike Dudley, Spike knocked down Chavo Classic onto Chavo Guerrero, allowing Classic to accidentally win the Cruiserweight Title. The Cruiserweight Title is now more worthless than the WCW TV Title ever was, including right now.

(2) Jamie Noble defeated Shannon Moore at 7:48.

Pre-Match Analysis: Jamie Noble and Shannon Moore?! Noble has new tights with the Confederate Flag on the back. Uh oh, I hear the protesters getting ready! Moore also has a new look, with some shiny new tights and, most notably, short hair. Is this a new start for Moore, who hasn't been seen on TV recently? We can only hope! He's still got that obnoxious wrist tape with "2 B ME" written on it, though.

Match Analysis: Noble and Moore locked up. Noble applied a front headlock before moving around back. Shannon Moore reversed and took Noble down from behind. Noble crawled to the ropes for the break. Noble yelled at the ref for not breaking the hold faster. Moore applied a wristlock, into a drop toehold by Noble, who floated over into another wristlock. They engaged in a series of cruiser mat moves. Moore applied a standing armbar, but Noble moved to the ropes for another break, leading to Noble yelling at the ref once again. Bill DeMott pointed out that Jamie Noble has gotten frustrated repeatedly in past matches, which has led to his defeat. Noble went for what looked like it might be a low blow kick and followed up with shots to Moore's head. Moore took Noble down for a short pin cover. Moore applied a ground headlock and moved to a vertical base, running Noble into the corner, chopping Noble in the corner. Noble reversed into chops of his own. Moore Irish whipped Noble, who reversed, but Moore springboarded into a crossbody on Noble for a two count. Noble got a short arm reverse, hip tossing Moore into the turnbuckle. Noble delivered boots to Moore with leverage from the ropes. Noble hit a short arm clothesline on Moore, followed by a slam and a legdrop for a short pin cover. DeMott sold this match as both men working to earn a shot at the Cruiserweight Title. Noble applied a chinlock, yelling at the crowd to shut up. Moore began to move to a vertical base, hitting Noble in the gut and getting a small package for a short cover. Noble rammed Moore, sending Moore to the mat. Noble hit boots to Moore in the corner before delivering a big neckbreaker. Noble moved his right kneepad down for a kneedrop on Moore. Noble applied a modified armbar. Moore blocked his chin so that Noble couldn't get a chinlock. Moore moved to a standing position and applied a drop toehold, causing Noble's head to hit the ringpost. Moore Irish whipped Noble and hit a spinning leg lariat. Another Irish whip into the corner and a jumping sidekick, sending Noble to the mat. Moore hit a spinning neckbreaker for a great false fall. Noble made an attempt at a Tiger Driver, but Moore reversed into a backdrop. Moore went to the top rope and hit a corkscrew moonsault for another two count. Moore lifted Noble up for a suplex, but Noble rolled through. Noble got a two count but the ref caught Noble holding the tights. Moore got a two count from a schoolboy. Moore hit clubbing blows to Noble's back and hit a Northern Lights Suplex for a two count. Moore was going for another Northern Lights, but Noble got a legscissors around Moore's middle for the tap out victory.

Bill DeMott's Turning Point: Shannon Moore hit a corkscrew moonsault, but Noble kicked out, frustrating Shannon Moore and taking him out of the game. DeMott actually used the telestrator to circle Shannon Moore clutching his head to show the frustration.

Match Grade: A-. This is as good a cruiser match as you're likely to ever see in WWE. Moore and Noble are both fantastic, as they showed us once again tonight, and maybe their new looks will lead to more exposure. WWE dropped the ball with Moore's losing streak storyline, always coming back for Moore, Moore, Moore, but I still have hope that they will eventually find a role for him on the big show. Yes, I am completely delusional. The announcing also added a ton to this match, as they put over Noble's submission abilities throughout the match, leading to the victory without being too overt about it.

Up Next: A six-man tag from this past Thursday's Smackdown, featuring JBL and the Dudleys going up against Eddie Guerrero, RVD, and Rey Mysterio.

Commercial Break: That girl eating a Milky Way bar in the new Milky Way commercial is pretty hot, but after surely innumerable takes of that commercial, I bet she porked up.

There's a new Smackdown live event video package, but I ain't really feeling it. It isn't as slick as the old one and looks a little amateurish. I also miss the hot sounding chick who used to do the Smackdown voiceovers.

Flashback: Eddie Guerrero was taken out backstage last week, apparently by JBL, who was holding a chair when Eddie was found. The six-man tag main event started out as a three on two, since Eddie was getting medical attention, but Eddie came out for the save late in the match. Guerrero was fired up and apparently set for a victory, but Eddie started stumbling around and collapsed to the mat, his eyes wide open. The storyline was that he collapsed into a catatonic state after the loss of a massive amount of blood at Judgment Day and the attack earlier in the night. JBL came into the ring with a confused look, but covered Eddie anyways for the three count and the victory. JBL slowly walked to the back, while the trainer checked on Eddie in the ring and paramedics looked on. Tazz crawled in the ring as well. Eddie Guerrero was loaded onto a stretcher.

Up Next: The Basham Brothers vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn.

A vignette rolled for the Divas 2004 swimsuit issue. I was almost tempted to pick this up thanks to some smokin' hot pictures of my beloved Molly, with hair! However, I decided that I didn't need to sink quite that low and passed on the mag.

Commercial break: If Soul Plane doesn't bomb at the box office, this is the end of Western civilization.

WWE Slam of the Week: Last Thursday, Mordecai completely brutalized Billy Kidman and Akio. Oh well, at least the Cruiserweight Title is already meaningless, so these guys won't be needed as credible contenders.

(3) Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly defeated the Basham Brothers (Doug Basham and Danny Basham) when Hardcore Holly pinned Doug Basham at 12:48.

Pre-Match Analysis: Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly, despite going after the tag titles, are still coming out to separate entrances. Which is more meaningless, the tag division or the cruiserweight division? I say it's a tie.

Match Analysis: Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly played Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who would start the match off. Wow, what tough guys. Danny and Gunn started things off. Gunn overpowered Danny, sending him into the corner. Gunn stretched and clapped, before shaking his butt. Fantastic. Hardcore Holly winked for some reason. Now that was disturbing. Gunn applied a headlock, but Danny shoved Gunn off. Gunn reversed into a shoulder tackle. Gunn preened before locking up with Danny once again. Danny hit a kick and a punch to Gunn and delivered another Irish whip, but Gunn reversed a hip toss into a neckbreaker on Danny. Danny shoved Gunn into the Bashams' corner, tagging in Doug. Doug and Danny both acted scared of Billy Gunn. This match is just making me sad. Doug pointed at Hardcore, who accepted the challenge and tagged in. This happened before several weeks ago, and they've decided to continue the feud between Doug and Hardcore for some reason. Doug applied a headlock to Hardcore, who whipped Doug out of the hold. Doug hit a shoulder knockdown and was coming off the ropes, but Hardcore leapfrogged Doug and hit a pair of armdrags. DeMott talked about being in the ring with Hardcore Holly, which he has been. Hardcore applied an armbar on the mat. Doug stood out of it and was going on offense, but Hardcore hit his kick to the "lower abdomen" in the ropes. Hardcore hit Doug with chops in the corner, which Matthews described as a "superfecta" of chops. Doug and Danny went to the outside while Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly stood in the ring.

Commercial break: I'm sorry, but I will never accepted blue Gatorade. It's green or nothing for me.

During the break, Danny managed to clothesline Gunn on the outside of the ring while Gunn chased Doug. Hardcore was chasing Doug on the outside. Doug got back in the ring and called for Hardcore to tag in again. Danny slammed Gunn into the side of the ring on the outside. Doug delivered stomps to the legal Gunn in the corner. Doug continued asking for Hardcore to tag in. Doug Irish whipped Gunn and hit a knee lift for a short cover. Doug tagged in Danny and set up Gunn for a two man Irish whip sternum first to the turnbuckle. Danny applied a kneeling abdominal stretch to Billy Gunn. Gunn had his foot on the ropes, but Doug kicked it off. Danny tagged in Doug, who attacked Gunn with wide left hands in the corner. Gunn started delivering fists to both Bashams, but Doug took Gunn down, floating over and hitting Gunn in the head. Doug applied an abdominal stretch to Gunn and held Danny's hand for leverage, letting go whenever Hardcore would complain to referee Nick Patrick. Hardcore ran into the ring and went after Danny, leading to both Bashams heading to the floor. Danny delivered a shoulder thrust to Gunn in the corner. Danny went after Gunn again, but Gunn managed to daze Danny and hit a bulldog into a DDT. Velocity News Break!: Matthews noted that Eddie Guerrero had vowed to be at Smackdown this coming week. Both men were down while their partners called for the tag. Both men tagged out. Hardcore delivered clotheslines to both men, a right hand to Danny, and a dropkick to Doug for a short cover. Hardcore went up top and hit a flying clothesline, but Danny broke up the pin fall. Hardcore backdropped Danny to the outside. Doug hit a double axehandle to Hardcore's back, but Hardcore got Doug up for a powerbomb. Gunn jumped and pulled Doug down from the powerbomb position, a double team maneuver which is apparently now known as the GHB, the Gunn-Holly Bomb. Hardcore went for the cover on Doug and picked up the victory for his team.

Match Grade: C-. The psychology of this match was a bit confusing. The Bashams looked like complete wimps, while Hardcore and Gunn didn't pick up much from this one outside of a weak attempt to get over their new finisher. We were told about the history of Doug calling out Hardcore, but weren't given any reason to think Doug had any shot against Hardcore or a reason for why he even wants to take a shot at Hardcore. We didn't get the Basham switch, and without their dominatrix/sadomasochistic storyline, this leaves them without any direction. Bill DeMott tried to establish characters for these two tag teams on commentary (see Veloci-Quotes!) but it was only touched on briefly.

Final Show Grade: B. The main event was awful, but the other two matches were great. It's too bad that there always seems to be one clunker on Velocity, but at least there's usually at least one or two good matches, largely thanks to the cruiserweights. They only managed to fit in three matches tonight, but two out of three being good ain't bad.

***

VELOCI-QUOTES~!... V. ONE-UHHH!

Yes, the geniuses at Velocity review HQ have finally got this whole Veloci-quotes thing figured out. I would like to thank all of you for bearing with us as we got the kinks worked out, and I hope you'll stay with us for much more Veloci-goodness!

Theodore Long: Let me holla at ya, playa! Las Vegas, Nevada. The land of the dolla dolla bill, ya feel me? Well you see, I don't know why all of you people are sitting around cheering, because there ain't no winners in here. There ain't nothin' but a bunch of losers, that's what you are. Look at every one of ya, every one of ya are slaves to the slot machines. All you do is live to put a quarter here, put a quarter there, thinking you're going to hit the jackpot. Well it ain't gonna happen. So right now I introduce to you a man that is going to show each and every one of you how to be a winner, how to hit the jackpot. So stand up, and rise, and show your love for the Reflection of Perfection, Mark Jindrak. (Mark Jindrak comes onto the stage and starts walking to the ring.) Everybody stand up and rise. My, my my my. Everybody stand up on your feet right now. Everybody stand up over here. Now this is what it takes, Las Vegas. This is what it takes to be a winner. Come on in. (Mark Jindrak walks into the ring.) Look at it, look at it everybody! Look at it! (Mark Jindrak starts taking off his cape.) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Not yet. You know what, I believe that Theodore R. Long will play the slots right now. As I pull down the lever, I believe, right now, you can take it off. Take it off, let me play the slots, let me play the slots, take it off. Take it off. (Mark Jindrak takes off his cape.) Hey! Jackpot! Jackpot! Jackpot! Cha-Ching! Cha-Ching! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! This is the jackpot. Now go home. Go to your domain. (Mark Jindrak looks in the looking glass.) If you want to be a winner tonight... Do you want to be a winner tonight? Las Vegas, you don't have to be home of the haters.
Josh Matthews: Hey, do you think Teddy Long likes Mark Jindrak?
Bill DeMott: I don't think there's room for Teddy Long to like Mark Jindrak. I think Mark Jindrak likes Mark Jindrak. I think Teddy Long needs to talk to Doctor Phil.
–Wait a second, does Bill DeMott watch Doctor Phil? If so, he's more metrosexual than I thought.

After Mark Jindrak no sells Paul London:
Mark Jindrak: Nothing! You're weak! Do you understand you're weak?
–Hmmm, if that's not a message from management, I don't know what is.

After Mark Jindrak dropkicks Paul London off the top rope:
Josh Matthews: What a dropkick by Mark Jindrak! Paul London fell harder off of that top rope than Bam Margera off of the skateboard!
Bill DeMott: What?
Matthews: (Sighs) Never mind.
–Josh Matthews is the king of the hip reference. They need to move this man up to the A team (no relation to the A-Team) today!

Contrasting Jamie Noble with Shannon Moore:
Josh Matthews: Jamie Noble's style is more methodical, more slowed down. Jamie Noble, yes, he can use the traditional Japanese cruiserweight style such as Jushin Thunder Lyger, but Jamie Noble can also get in there and wrestle you. In my opinion, Jamie Noble can tap out the Bob Sapps of the world, the Don Fryes of the world, the Tito Ortizes of the world...
–A Bob Sapp mention on Velocity?! This is Wrestling Observer's Dave Meltzer's favorite Velocity ever.

Bill DeMott: As you watch Jamie Noble and Shannon Moore go move for move, counter for counter, it's because they have a long history together, Josh. Both from the old WCW. Both from the Power Plant. Both these superstars in the HWA developmental territory for the WWE. They were roommates, they've been sparring partners. These two superstars have shared everything. And I mean everything.
–Everything? I don't want to know.

Josh Matthews: Jamie Noble just chopped Shannon Moore so hard that his girlfriend hurts.
–So wait, Noble has a new girlfriend since getting dumped by Nidia? Ohhh, it's a metaphor. Right.

After the camera shows a group of ridiculous hot blondes in white t-shirts standing up and dancing during Billy Gunn's entrance:
Josh Matthews: GO BACK!
Bill DeMott: Hey amigo-san, just turn around. They're sitting right behind us!
Matthews: Whoa! Hey ladies! Excuse me while I talk about Billy Gunn.
–We can all see where Gay Josh's real interest lies.

After doing a sponsor promo for the new Onimusha video game:
Josh Matthews: I'd like to show these girls behind us my Onimushu!
–It's Onimusha, Josh. Still, great line bro.

Talking about Great American Bash tickets:
Josh Matthews: Did you get any?
Bill DeMott: Tickets?
Matthews: Yes.
DeMott: I'm still stuck on the Animushu thing.
Matthews: I'm just fooling all the people out there who question my sexuality!
DeMott: You're fooling me too! What's does that mean?
Matthews: -: What?!
–Wow, is Josh's sexuality a work?!

Bill DeMott: You're tight with Rico, aren't you?
Josh Matthews: No, I'm not tight with Rico.
DeMott: I question it.
–Me too, Bill. Me too.

Bill DeMott: Billy Gunn and Hardcore Holly, fun. Just fun! F... U... N.
–A lot of words have been used to describe Hardcore Holly, but I don't think "fun" was on the top of that list. Or anywhere on it, for that matter.

Josh Matthews:I know you're big fans of Rico and Charlie Haas.
Bill DeMott: I'm a big fan of any champion in the WWE. I just don't particularly care for their... uh... lifestyle.
Matthews: So I guess you won't be moving to Massachusetts any time soon Bill, huh?
DeMott: Massachusetts?
–So wait, it's their lifestyle now? Does Bill know something about Charlie Haas that I don't?

Bill DeMott: What are you talking about Massachusetts for?
Josh Matthews: I said you're not going to be moving to Massachusetts.
DeMott: Hell no I'm not going to be moving to Massachusetts!
–Because you two are going to get married if Josh has anything to say about it, that's why!

Josh Matthews: Danny Basham came out of nowhere with that clothesline! Well actually, he came from behind the stairs.
–One word: Genius.

Bill DeMott: If Doug Basham keeps in Hardcore Holly's grill... that means his face.
Josh Matthews: Yeah, I know.
–Sure ya did, Josh. Sure ya did.

Josh Matthews: Yeah, but do you think it plays into the advantage of the Basham Brothers to just dangle a piece of meat in front of an animal like Hardcore Holly? Hardcore Holly's going to get in there and try to rip the heads off of the Basham Brothers. Then you'll be able to tell them apart!
Bill DeMott: Yeah, but ripping the heads off of the Basham Brothers won't win you the match!
–It isn't? Lame! There go my plans...

Josh Matthews: I didn't know that decapitation was grounds for disqualification! Ha ha ha!
Bill DeMott: Well, you never know with Mr. Angle's new rules lately.
–Hmmm, anyone have a rule book?

***

I'll see you Friday in the Lounge for a Very American Idol Daydream Believer, and back here next week for more of the true A show, Velocity. Until next time, remember to smile and do good works. Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or on the VIP Forum. You can also read his unique wrestling insights every Friday in his Daydream Believer Lounge column.

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