Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
May 8, 2004
Taped 5/4/04
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, PWTorch.com's second favorite Velocity reviewer

It's Saturday night baby, which means we have some Veloci-glory on the way! Your hero and mine, Dusty Giebink, did a fantastic job filling in for me last week while I visited our nation's capitol. However, I'm back, and ready to experience 7 P.M. Velocity.

***

No intro video this week, so the Velocity intro rolls immediately, including the best pyro in WWE today. Let's send it down to Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott at ringside!

(1) Mark Jindrak defeated Scotty 2 Hotty at 3:01.

Pre-Match Analysis: Theodore Long is in the ring with the famed mirror, announcing the arrival of Mark Jindrak. Teddy asked people all over the arena to stand up for the "Reflection of Perfection," Mark Jindrak. Wasn't this guy better off on Raw? Mark comes out wearing a freakin' silver cape. In fact, he drapes it over himself, almost like a robe. Boy, Ric Flair's going to be pissed. The Cat, too. Jindrak walks down to the ring and admires himself in the mirror. At Teddy's prompting, Jindrak pulls open his cape and drops it, returning for another look at his rippling muscles in the stand-up mirror. This would be the stupidest gimmick ever if Teddy didn't do such a great job selling it. Look, it's Scotty 2 Hotty! Wait a second, no Rikishi? Thank God. Teddy and Mark bumped fists, and I think that makes Mark look even whiter in comparison to his manager.

Match Analysis: They started with a lock-up. Jindrak took it into a wristlock. Scotty reversed into a headlock, but Jindrak picked Scotty up and threw him into the ropes. Scotty went for Jindrak's chest with chops. Jindrak Irish whipped Scotty, but Scotty baseball slid under Jindrak's legs and hit more chops. Jindrak threw Scotty into the ringpost, left shoulder first. Jindrak continued the work on the left arm, taking Scotty to the mat, working a variety of armbars. Scotty stood up and hit fists to Jindrak's chest. Jindrak fired back and hit his ridiculously high dropkick on Scotty. Jindrak is reported to have the highest vertical leap in WWE, and that move proves it. With Scotty still on the mat, Jindrak kipped up. He posed for the crowd and picked Scotty up, but Scotty managed to hit a couple of punches to Jindrak's face. Scotty Irish whipped Jindrak into the corner and hit a clothesline. In the opposite corner, Scotty hit him again and staggered Jindrak, setting him up for a superkick from Scotty. Scotty went for the pin but only got two. Jindrak stood up, still dazed. Scotty went for the bulldog, but Jindrak reversed into the Mark Of Excllence for the pin.

Match Grade: C+. Pretty basic stuff here. As is the Velocity standard, no real issues here for the fans to care about, other than perhaps hating Mark Jindrak for flaunting his body. Still, the match didn't do much for Jindrak, as the win wasn't a decisive one, coming off of a quick reversal after Scotty had been in control. Three minutes? Is that a match? On the bright side, Scotty is definitely showing some growth.

After the match, Long rubs Jindrak's abs, as well as framing Mark's face with his hands. Thank God for Teddy Long, because this Reflection of Perfection nonsense is awful.

Tonight, we've got the tag team champions, Charlie Haas and Rico, taking on Velocity Exclusive tag team Paul London and Billy Kidman.

Still To Come: The Undertaker, with the owner of the world's most annoying voice, Paul Bearer, made their return to Smackdown this week. My local Smackdown was once again pre-empted for baseball, so I'm pumped to see if Smackdown was as bad as everyone other than James Guttman said it was!

Commercial Break: I swear, I want one of those Game Boy Advance SP's. How pimp is that little thing? Color video games with you wherever you go? Love that!

(2) Orlando Jordan defeated Akio (w/ Sakoda) at 4:52.

Pre-Match Analysis: It's time for the ladies' man himself, Velocity exclusive wrestler Orlando Jordan! Josh tries to sell Jordan as the future of the WWE, but honestly, is he really? Is he even going to have a job in a few months? Prove me wrong, Orlando. Prove me wrong. Akio walks out with Mr. Stand And Look Pretty, Sakoda. Seriously, this guy has to have the highest television time to matches ratio of anyone in the company.

Match Analysis: Jordan and Akio circled one another and went into a lock-up. The match started with a flurry of punches and kicks between the two. Jordan shoved Akio into the corner. Akio shoved Jordan, but Jordan shoved Akio back hard, sending Akio back into the corner. Another tie-up, Akio shoved Jordan off into the ropes, but Jordan came back with a shoulder block. Akio grabbed Jordan from behind, but Jordan reversed into a reverse scoop slam and seemed to be in control. Akio reversed though, sending Jordan into the corner for a series of kicks. Jordan reversed Akio into the corner and used his boxing expertise to hit some punches before sending Akio to the mat in the middle of the ring. Jordan got some more offense before Irish whipping Akio. Akio slid to the outside, but Jordan went after him, throwing Akio into the ring barrier and back into the ring. Jordan tried to follow, but Sakoda hit the sneak attack. Akio hit a baseball slide on Jordan, exiting the ring and throwing Jordan into the ringpost. Akio threw Jordan back in the ring and applied a camel clutch to Jordan. Jordan got back to the vertical base. Akio released the hold and hit Jordan in the back of the head, then hit a jumping back kick for a two count. DeMott pointed out that Akio had only used a very loose cover. Akio threw Jordan into the corner, but as Akio tried to attack, Jordan kept striking first. Jordan fired up, hitting a series, with a forearm, a back elbow, and a clothesline on Akio. Sakoda distracted the ref as Jordan went for the cover which should have been good for the three. Jordan hit the Rocky Johnson Shuffle for another cover, but only a two count. Jordan tried to go for a powerslam on Akio, but Sakoda grabbed Akio's legs for the save. Jordan took out Sakoda and hit the Blackout for the pin and the win!

Match Grade: B. Some solid action from these two, though it reflects poorly on Akio to be losing despite the interference from Sakoda, especially to a wrestler who no one really cares about. Orlando Jordan has yet to show more personality than a doorknob, and he needs to step up his game if he wants to be a true WWE superstar. Akio definitely carried this match, but as Josh Matthews pointed out, these two have contrasting styles, and Jordan's slower pace really seemed to hold Akio back from having a great match.

Up Next: Booker T goes to see a Miss Cleo wannabe for help fighting the Undertaker. Whaaaaa--?! You've got to be kidding me.

Commercial Break: Stuck On You is on DVD. This movie, starring Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon as Siamese twins (sorry Mr. and Ms. PC, conjoint twins), is absolutely hilarious and deserves your rental dollar. Kinnear's character acting in a stage play, with Matt Damon's character still attached but wearing all black to conceal himself, is one of the biggest belly laugh moments I remember seeing in a long time.

WWE Rewind: On Smackdown two weeks ago, Booker T promised to slap the dead off of the Undertaker. He nailed Taker with the urn in the middle of the ring, but Taker did his patented sit-up and Booker T ran away like a wee little girl.

Flashback: Booker T went to visit some sort of weird fortune teller lady to get help fighting Taker. She sent him to get dirt from a graveyard, which he proceeded to do. Booker was leaving as a hand shot out of the ground in front of one of the graves. Do you think Booker misses Raw? Meanwhile, at the arena, Undertaker came out with his main man, Paul Bearer, as the Full Blooded Italians stood in the ring. Poor, poor FBI. Despite attempted interference by Nunzio, Undertaker V One-uhhh still managed to squash Johnny Stamboli, hitting his trademark spots and getting the tapout win. After the bell, Undertaker took Nunzio for the Last Ride, followed by a Tombstone Piledriver on Johnny The Bull and the cross-arm pin. I swear, I still can't believe they tried bringing back old school Undertaker while still looking exactly the same in the ring, other than selling slightly less.

Booker T will be taking on the Undertaker at Judgment Day. This can't be good, can it? John Cena will be taking on Rene Dupree, defending his U.S. Championship against the French Phenom. The only other match announced thus far is Eddie Guerrero defending the WWE Title against your hero and mine, Fox News star John "Bradshaw" Layfield, JBL!

Commercial Break: "I'm Spicaay!" It's pretty hot when the chick in this Burker King commercial says it. Too bad it's utterly annoying the rest of the time.

WWE Sting Of The Night: This past Thursday, Jacqueline (who?) came out to answer Chavo's open challenge to any cruiser who he hadn't wrestled before for his Cruiserweight Championship. Chavo claimed that a woman couldn't defeat him for the title. Chavo Guerrero (Junior still?) and Chavo Guerrero, Senior, now know as Chavo Classic (WHOOOOOOO!) laughed at her from the ring. Sadly, Jacqueline defeated him and proved Chavo wrong, winning the belt. So a woman that nobody in the entire world cares about is the Cruiserweight champ, while Jamie Noble, Paul London, Billy Kidman, and more sit and cry. I think I'm going to be ill.

(3) Spike Dudley defeated Jamie Noble at 3:00.

Pre-Match Analysis: It's time for cruiserweight action, as Jamie Noble faces off against the Spikester! Josh Matthews questioned how Jamie Noble must feel about freakin' Jacqueline winning the Cruiserweight Championship. I swear, if Josh Matthews talks about Spike Dudley being on Spike TV again, I'm going to vomit.

Match Analysis: Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott discussed the fact that Jamie and Spike wrestled before, and despite Spike out-wrestling Noble for most of that match, Noble got the win. Noble and Spike locked up and went into some mat wrestling. Noble applied a headlock, which Spike reversed into his own headlock. Noble stood up and maneuvered Spike into a single leg crab. Spike wriggled out. Spike got a small package for a quick pin attempt. Spike went for a school boy for another pin attempt, but Noble kicks out. Spike quickly got another unique pinning predicament for a short count. Noble went back on offense and slammed Spike to the mat. Noble sent Spike to the corner, but went down himself in the process. As he stood, Spike hit a crossbody off the top rope for two. Spike slammed Noble for another two count. Spike did his bicycle kick style move with Noble on the mat in the corner. Noble hit a powerslam on Spike for another two count. Noble attempted the Tiger Driver, but Spike countered out. Spike hit a series of kicks to Noble's head, followed by a shoulder tackle. Spike hit the Dudley Dog for the three count.

Match Grade:C+. This match was ridiculously fast-paced, but nothing really meant anything since they only got three minutes for the match. Three minutes?! WWE, you can't trim a little time off of the Undertaker wrestling a member of the FBI on Smackdown? You give Orlando Jordan's match more time than Spike and Jamie "By God" Noble? Someone needs to be kicked in the proverbial "lower abdomen" for this.

Up Next: A look at the house show event where JBL caused Eddie Guerrero's mother to have a heart attack. Er, storyline-wise, that is. Otherwise, that would be bad.

Commercial Break: The WWE Experience debuted last week. I taped it and tried watching it later, but dealing with Ivory and Todd Grisham is painful. Todd seems like he could care less about wrestling, and Ivory has way too much ADD energy to deal with serious angles. I'm praying that they improve, though I'm not counting on it.

A nice highlight package airs of the house show event last week where Eddie Guerrero brought his two daughters, his "mamacita" wife, and his mother to the ring. Is it just me, or is the fact that Eddie has always used the word "mamacita" lustfully in the past make him calling his mother "mamacita" a bit disturbing? Anyways, John "Bradshaw" Layfield ran into the ring and took down Guerrero with the WWE title belt. JBL yelled at Mama Guerrero, before touching her shoulder. Apparently, JBL has magic powers (like Booker T!) and his touch made Eddie's mama have a heart attack. Josh Matthews interviewed Eddie backstage, who looked ready to snap. Paul Heyman talked to General Manager Kurt Angle about Eddie and claimed that Eddie needs to be taken out of the main event due to his emotional state. Kurt Angle agreed, though he also showed disgust for former GM Heyman. So, instead of Rob Van Dam and Eddie Guerrero, it's RVD and Rey Mysterio versus the Dudley Boys. RVD and Mysterio got the win, but afterwards, Eddie absolutely snapped, hitting everybody with chair shots, including the Dudleys, two referees, and even Rob Van Dam.

Commercial Break: Have you seen this Clearasil Ultra commercial? They shoot it using fancy shmancy editing tricks to show a girl's skin clearing up over three days, but the problem is, her skin doesn't totally clear up. Maybe a little, but I think it's mostly that she's just caked on more concealer.

A promo aired for this week's Raw. Seriously, this show looks stacked. Five huge matches, including Edge versus Randy Orton for the Intercontinental title, Eugene wrestling Rob Conway in Eugene's first match, Chris Jericho versus Christian in a steel cage, Triple H versus Shelton Benjamin (who has already defeated Triple H twice), and Triple H versus Batista. So wait a second, there are more matches announced for Raw this week then next weekend's Smackdown Pay-Per-View? Wassupwitdat?

(4) Rico and Charlie Haas defeated Billy Kidman and Paul London to retain the WWE Tag Team Titles when Charlie Haas pinned Paul London at 6:57.

Pre-Match Analysis: Billy Kidman and Paul London were in the ring as my favorite music in WWE, Billy Kidman's theme, played. Josh Matthews still described them as a makeshift duo, even though they've wrestled together for months. Rico and Charlie Haas came out, accompanied by Miss Jackie. Miss Jackie and Rico walked on their runway. I swear, is there anything the runway really adds besides Miss Jackie sticking her butt out? Oh wait, never mind, it's a great idea! Charlie Haas refused to walk the runway and walked around. That little flip that Miss Jackie does into the ring is fantastic. Too bad she's a bigger whore than Paris Hilton.

Match Analysis: Rico started things out against Paul London. Bill DeMott pointed out that Rico was a SWAT team member. SWAT team members all over the country are hanging their heads in shame. Rico and London went for a lockup and Rico got a wristlock. London reversed into his own wristlock, then into a headlock, but Rico threw London into the ropes. London fired back and got a rollup, but Rico starts spanking London, distracting London and enabling Rico to get out. London thrown into the corner, Rico followed, but London jumped up and over. Rico kissed Paul London, leading to London tagging out to Billy Kidman. Kidman and Rico locked up and Kidman got an armlock. Rico put Billy Kidman into a variety of seemingly gay stances, before Rico tagged out to Haas. Haas took Kidman to the mat, his specialty, with a drop toehold, before applying a variety of holds. Kidman tried to reverse, but Haas slammed Kidman to the mat for a two count. Haas had Kidman in a hold and asked Rico to tag in, so Rico tagged Haas on the butt, causing Haas to release the hold. Rico took Kidman down to the mat and started riding Kidman like a mechanical bull. London hit Rico from the outside. Kidman tagged in London and they hit a double team slam, followed by Kidman assisting London with a moonsault press. London tagged Kidman back in, who flipped Rico and applied a rear chinlock. Rico tried to get the fans behind him and moved to a standing position, hitting a jawbreaker to get out of the chinlock. Kidman hit an enzuigiri for a two count. Haas apprehensively went to break up the pin, but wasn't needed. London tagged in and flipped into the ring, dropping a leg on Rico. London applied a surfbord maneuver on Rico, while Miss Jackie pounded the mat to get the crowd into the match. Rico got to a standing position and turned, punching London in the face. London hit the dropsault, sending Rico to the floor. On the outside, London charged Rico into the side of the ring. Miss Jackie distracted London, showing off her, ahem, assets. Kidman threw London back in the ring, before Miss Jackie distracts Kidman with her frontal assets, if you catch my drift. London wanted to tag in Kidman but Kidman is nowhere to be found. Rico tagged in Haas, taking down London with a dropkick. Kidman ran in and got taken down. Rico kissed London from the outside, allowing Charlie Haas to get the German Suplex with a bridge for the pin and the victory.

DeMott's TURNING POINT~!: Miss Jackie distracting Paul London, followed by Jackie distracting Billy Kidman. The best part was that Bill circled Jackie's boobs with his telestrator.

Match Grade: B. Yes, Charlie Haas and Rico make for a mildly entertaining tag team, but they also make for some groan inspiring matches. I feel dirty. This match could have been fantastic if they actually let Paul London and Billy Kidman compete on Smackdown on a regular basis to build up some credibility, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. Paul London and Billy Kidman are both fantastic cruiserweights, though, particularly Paul London. They also seem to have developed some real tag team chemistry, hitting some great double team moves and working well together.

Final Show Grade: C+. Meh. This show had some nice action while it lasted, but nothing special, especially after last week's big 7 P.M. premiere with Thuganomics and more. Seriously, did this show really have not one, but two three minute matches? There has to be a better way to allocate the time allotted, especially when only three pay-per-view matches have been announced thus far. Oh well, I know what will cheer me up...

VELOCI-QUOTES~! v0.8

Theodore Long: Now everybody here tonight know what time it is. Now it's time for everybody over here to stand up to your feet... and get ready for the Reflection of Perfection, now you better beliedat! Now if you didn't hear me, I said the Reflection of Perfection! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Mark Jindrak! (Jindrak comes out on the stage and starts walking to the ring.) Show your love! Everybody stand up right now. Everybody show your love! All the way from the mountain top to the dolla dolla bill, y'all. I'm feelin' that! It's like I said, the Reflection of Perfection. Come on in here and show it to 'em. (Jindrak starts to look at himself, in the cape, in the mirror.) Stop, stop, stop, stop. Not right now. What everybody needs to do, is everybody needs to see the Reflection of Perfection. Now you show it to 'em, show it to 'em, come on, show me something. (Jindrak begins to strip off the silver cape.) It's getting hot in here. It's getting hot in here. Now open that thing up and show it to 'em. Now everybody show your love. That's what I'm talking about. Now you can go home. Now you can go home. Go right to your domain. (Jindrak returns to looking at himself in the mirror.) Look at that. Mirror, mirror, in the ring, Mark Jindrak's gonna do his thing, baby. My, my, my my my. Lookie here, I love you like a fat kid loves cake, that's what I'm talking about. Mark Jindrak, been lean, ever since he was a teen.
-Teddy, maybe you shouldn't rip off 50 Cent's "21 Questions". That could be really, really dangerous.

After Bill's been talking about Mark Jindrak, but is getting nothing but silence from Josh:
Bill DeMott: You're hypnotized.
-Yeah, I bet Josh Matthews is hypnotized by Mark Jindrak's body.

Josh Matthews: Mark Jindrak walks around here like he's got an S on his chest. That stands for Superman, Bill.
-"Well, duh" statement of the day.

Bill DeMott: What's with the dollar bill?
Josh Matthews: What are you talking about?
DeMott: Why is Teddy Long out here every week asking for a dollar bill?
-I don't know, Bill. Apparently Josh doesn't either. Maybe he wants to get a soda from the vending machine?

Regarding Mark Jindrak:
Josh Matthews: According to Teddy Long, he's also from the mountaintop. I thought Mark Jindrak was from Atlanta.
Bill DeMott: (Indignantly) There's mountains in Atlanta.
-Yeah, everyone always talks about the famed Atlanta mountains, including Mount Georgia. Riiiiight.

Josh Matthews: Mark Jindrak's done with his workout. Done doing the ab crunches, Bill.
Bill DeMott: Ab crunches... dolla bills... this is an infomercial!
-The amazing wit of Bill DeMott. Just breathtaking.

Josh Matthews: Bill, do you ever think Sakoda gets jealous of Akio because Akio's such a big movie star in Korea? "Enter The Yang", "The Flying Elvises", all the movies that Akio's been in, do you think that bothers Sakoda?
Bill DeMott: It may bother him, but he's used to the rewards. I mean he's got a nice new suit, he's got a gold chain, he's a superstar in the WWE... I think he likes it. It's like Kato. He's like Kato!
-Bill DeMott making a Green Hornet reference? Love that!

Josh Matthews: No wonder Orlando Jordan's always smiling. You know, Bill, he can get it done inside the ring.
Bill DeMott: He's not always smiling. Did you see his entrance today? He smiles, he's not. He's serious-- Look at him now! Putting his finger in the air, saying "Orlando don't play that!" He's going to snap too, this kid.
Matthews: Well maybe Orlando Jordan's bipolar.
DeMott: Is that allowed?
-Hmmm, do I sense a potential character for Orlando Jordan? Maybe he can tag with Eugene.

After Rico and Miss Jackie Eskimo kiss on the stage:
Josh Matthews: Eskimo kisses for everyone! Come here, Bill!
Bill DeMott: AAAAHHH!
-Josh and Bill are the Abbott and Costello of the modern age.

As our tag champs, the World's Gayest Tag Team, featuring Rico, walk out:
Josh Matthews: Forget "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy," this is Velocity!
Bill DeMott: What did you mean like that? Because you looked right at me when you said it!
-I'd say that Bill DeMott should get a metrosexual makeover, but he already had one. Too late!

Josh Matthews: Check out Miss Rico! I just called Jackie Miss Rico! That fits too though, right Bill?
Bill DeMott: As long as you didn't say Rico and Miss Charlie.
-How much you want to bet that Charlie has to wear one of Miss Jackie's outfits in the near future?

Bill DeMott: Fruit booty.
Josh Matthews: What?
DeMott: Rico is a fruit booty!
Matthews: A fruit booty?
DeMott: Fruit booty! Not flamboyant. Not excitable. He's a fruit booty! Look at him.
-Bill DeMott, I have no idea what you're talking about. And that's a good thing.

Josh Matthews: Rico going for the kiss on London! This is great, Bill!
-Yeah Josh, I'm sure you think it's great.

As Jackie shakes what her momma gave her for Billy Kidman:
Josh Matthews: A little hetero on Velocity now!
Bill DeMott: A little what?
Matthews: Never mind.
-Television: $100. Cable: $50 per month. Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott: Priceless.

***

Thanks for tuning in for another Velocity review, Mike Roe style! I would love to hear from each and every one of you, and all feedback, comments, suggestions for improvement, etc. are deeply appreciated. Also, lots of love for my Velocity tag partner, Doron Barbalat! I'll see you on Friday in the Lounge and back here next Saturday. Peace!

Mike Roe can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or on the VIP Forum. You can also read his unique wrestling insights every Friday in his Daydream Believer Lounge column.

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