Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
April 17, 2004
Taped 4/13/04 in Indianapolis, Ind.
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

That silly Raw Pay-Per-View is tomorrow, but who cares? It's time for Velocity!

The intro rolls, including new footage of John "Bradshaw" Layfield. Velocity pyro goes off, scaring all the small children in attendance.

(1) Hardcore Holly (w/ Billy Gunn) pinned Akio (w/ Sakoda) at 5:23.

Pre-Match Analysis: Hardcore came out, accompanied by Billy "Ass Man" Gunn. Josh Matthews was wearing a strikingly un-gay shirt. Akio came out actually wearing shiny pants, as opposed to the usual suit pants look.

Match Analysis: They started off circling one another. Akio kicked the air, showing off his martial arts skills. They went into a collar and elbow tie up, and Hardcore pushed Akio into the corner. Akio fired back with a series of chops, before Hardcore threw him into the opposite corner and unleashed chops of his own, which Akio sold huge, with each one knocking him down. Hardcore Irish whipped Akio to the opposite corner, but Akio responded with a kick to the face. Hardcore hit two armdrags on Akio. Akio went to the outside for a break, but Billy Gunn threw him back inside. Hardcore set Akio up for his patented kick to the crotch... er, lower abdomen, in the ropes. Akio hit a spinning kick on Hardcore and hit boots to Hardcore on the ground. Akio applied pressure with his foot to Hardcore's neck in the ropes, the ref called for the break, and Akio went back to it. Akio then went to a modified chinlock on Hardcore, but Hardcore powered out to a standing position before Akio hit Hardcore, kicked him and went for the cover for two. Akio put Hardcore into another chinlock, but Hardcore got to a standing position and powered out of he hold. Hardcore hit Akio in the head several times and went to run the ropes, but Sakoda grabbed his legs. Gunn chased Sakoda on the outside. Hardcore hit a modified powerbomb on Akio. Both men were down, and as they got up, Hardcore hit a backdrop on Akio, before hitting a dropkick for a two count. Hardcore went up to the top rope and Sakoda tried to grab his legs, but Gunn stopped him. Akio kicked Hardcore on his way off the ropes for a two count. Hardcore reversed a top rope move by Akio into an Alabama Slam for the pin.

Match Grade: C+. Alright, but nothing special, and it never really felt like Akio had a chance of winning. Sakoda continued to be paid to do very, very, very little.

Later: D-Von Dudley makes his Velocity debut against Doug Basham. Former Raw wrestlers on Velocity? Still not a good thing. Mediocre wrestlers are Heat's specialty. Kidding! The Hurricane's still wrestling there, right?

Still To Come: The Big Show's Smackdown rampage against Torrie Wilson.

Commercial Break: In case you didn't hear, because you're a good little Smackdown fan like me, the Raw Pay-Per-View, Backlash, is Sunday night.

WWE Rewind: Nunzio won a four-way match for the #1 slot for the Cruiserweight Title against Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman and Akio last week on Velocity. I assumed this would be taking place on Smackdown this week, but as the announcers noted tonight, that contendership is for a "future chance" in the future. Gee, thanks for the details guys.

(2) Nunzio defeated Ultimo Dragon via pinfall while holding the bottom rope at 6:07.

Pre-Match Analysis: Word is that Ultimo Dragon is taking some time off to deal with business in Japan (whatever that means), so savor the Dragon while you can! Nunzio's fellow Full Blooded Italian, Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli, wasn't at ringside, as he was preparing for his match later on tonight.

Match Analysis: Nunzio looked to want a test of strength, but Ultimo unleashed some air kicks instead. Ultimo finally went in for a test of strength, but Nunzio hit a kick to the gut. Ultimo rolled up Nunzio for a two count. Ultimo and Nunzio hit shoves to each other, sending the other to the ground. Ultimo hit a kick for a two count. Ultimo hit more kicks to Nunzio on the ground for a two count. Ultimo threw Nunzio to the outside and got into position for an Asai Moonsault, but Nunzio pulled Ultimo to the ground, shoved him into the barrier, then threw Ultimo into the ring and covered for a two count. Nunzio did jumping jacks (what?) for boos from the crowd. Nunzio applied a chinlock to Ultimo Dragon. Ultimo hit elbows to the gut to get out of the move. Ultimo hit a series of double handed chops on Nunzio, which looked and sounded very cool, but Nunzio hit the thumb to the eye. Nunzio Irish (Italian?) whipped Ultimo to the corner, but Ultimo springboarded out to hit Nunzio. Nunzio hit an Italian Legsweep and applied another chinlock on Ultimo. Ultimo hit elbows to Nunzio's gut to try to get out, but Nunzio hit Ultimo in the face before Irish whipping him. Ultimo came off the Irish whip with a springboard moonsault to a standing Nunzio. Both men were down, but Ultimo got up and hit a series of stiff kicks on Nunzio for a two count. Ultimo backdropped Nunzio and hooked the leg for another two count. Ultimo whipped Nunzio into the corner. Nunzio came off with a dropkick, but Ultimo dodged. Ultimo got a cradle on Nunzio for a two count. Nunzio whipped Ultimo, Ultimo reversed, Nunzio reversed, Ultimo reversed into a hurracanrana attempt, but Nunzio hit a sunset flip for a two count. Ultimo went for the Asai DDT, but Nunzio countered. Ultimo hit a back elbow, went for another Asai DDT attempt but Nunzio reversed. This series of moves was INSANE, but after both men reversed several rollups on the other, Nunzio held the bottom rope and got the pin.

Match Grade: B+. Great work from both men, showing that fast-paced cruiserweight action that so many love but gets so little play in WWE. I can't wait until the Italian Piranha, the Sicilian Shooter, finally gets his shot at the Cruiserweight gold, though it will likely be a squash by Chavito. So sad.

Up Next: Rob Van Dam versus former tag team partner (at least on Raw) Booker T!

Commercial Break: WWE Confidential only has a couple more weeks left before being replaced by the WWE Experience on Sunday mornings. Savor it while you can, because yet another recap show will be taking Confidential's place, which can't be a good thing.

WWE Slam Of The Week: On Smackdown two weeks ago, RVD and Booker T were tagging against Big Show and Charlie Haas, but Booker T walked out on Rob in the middle of the match. Oh, snap!

Flashback: Booker T and Rob Van Dam wrestled one another this past week to settle their differences, thanks to Booker's newfound attitude once moving to Smackdown. Booker, we're not the minor leagues! Go back to that crapbag Raw! Ummm, I mean, as a wrestling journalist, I don't play favorites. Smackdown was actually pre-empted in my market and won't be aired until Sunday night, so I actually dug getting to see this for the first time. Hmm, so that's why they have recap shows! Booker T was disqualified after Booker tied RVD up in the ropes and continued attacking him with punch after punch, despite referee Nick Patrick asking Booker for a break. Rob Van Dam was bleeding from the nose on the outside, and meanwhile, Booker T... decided to breakdance, going for the Spinaroonie. Is that how you spell that? Now that Booker's on Smackdown, I guess I should figure that out.

Still to come: D-Von Dudley taking on Doug Basham. The reverend is here to represent!

Commercial Break: "It's all over the streets like your favorite shoe?" Is that really the best line to help sell YJ Stinger, Mr. Cena? I don't think I have a singular favorite shoe, actually. Maybe the right one? I'll have to think about that.

We see a promo for new Smackdown wrestler Mordecai. As the Torch Religion Guru, I'm actually pretty excited for how this guy turns out once he hits Smackdown.

Raw Rebound: What?! The Raw Rebound has invaded Velocity? Ridiculous! Anyways, here's what happened on Raw this past week:

* Mick Foley unveiled that he would be back as Cactus Jack to fight Randy Orton in a surely bloody hardcore match for the Intercontinental title at Backlash, accompanied by his good friend, Barbie, aka a bat covered in freakin' barbed-wire.

* Eric Bischoff's apprentice, Johnny Nitro, told Edge that he couldn't use his cast as a weapon in his match against Kane this Sunday. If he does, the referee has been ordered to disqualify Edge. Hmm, does anyone else smell "Special Referee Johnny Nitro?"

* Ric Flair asked Eric Bischoff for a match against Shelton Benjamin, but since the Bisch is apparently clairvoyant, he already had the contracts all drawn up because he knew that Ric Flair would want to fight Mr. Benjamin. Shelton is also apparently omniscient, as he busted into the GM's office and attacked Ric Flair.

* On this week's Highlight Reel, Chris Jericho played footage of Trish Startus barking like a dog for Vince McMahon, which he amplified by adding real dog barking sounds to the soundtrack.

* Shawn Michaels superkicked Randy Orton for the win in a big 8 man main event. The show ended with a staredown between Triple H, Chris Benoit, and Shawn Michaels, who will be facing one another in "The Final Encounter" for the World Heavyweight Championship rematch of their WrestleMania match, where Chris Benoit was victorious.

(3) Orlando Jordan pinned Johnny Stamboli at 5:25.

Pre-Match Analysis: It's yet another chapter in the never-ending Orlando Jordan versus the Full Blooded Italians feud! Also, I swear, I love Johnny Stamboli's bulletproof vest. It's a cool look. Johnny also was wearing sunglasses on his way out, yet no Nunzio. What, no FBI teammate love tonight? Isn't Nunzio recovered yet? His match was, like, two commercial breaks ago!

Match Analysis: Orlando Jordan and Johnny Stamboli locked up to start off the match. Stamboli moved into a headlock, but Jordan hit elbows to the back to get out. Stamboli did the hands underneath the chin insult mannerism (anyone know if this thing has some sort of name?) and started running the ropes before Jordan took Stamboli down. Jordan put on an arm submission, but Stamboli got out. Jordan returned the insult to Stamboli, hit a dropkick and got a cover for two. Jordan applied the wristlock, but Stamboli shoved Jordan into the corner. He went for a lariat, but Jordan dodged. Stamboli threw Jordan neck first onto the top rope, before choking Jordan against the ropes with his boot twice in a row, with the ref breaking it up. Stamboli went to the outside and hit Jordan in the neck, continuing the work on this body part, taking him out of the ring. Stamboli rolled Jordan back into the ring and went for a cover for two. Stamboli applied a headlock to Jordan, before hitting a knee to Jordan on the ground, then moving into another headlock. Jordan tried to get the crowd behind him, but much like any attempt for him to show charisma, he failed. He did manage to get out of the hold, before Stamboli took Jordan down and went to insult the crowd. Stamboli ran toward Jordan in the corner for a sliding kick, but Jordan rolled out of the way, leading to Stamboli coming up with ringpost between his legs. Ow. Jordan hit a jawbreaker on Stamboli, then fired with punches. Stamboli Irish whipped Jordan, but Jordan came back and took Stamboli down. Jordan then hit a backdrop on Stamboli. After Stamboli stood, Jordan went for the Rocky Johnson shuffle. Before Jordan could complete the sequence, Stamboli reversed and hit a strong punch to take Jordan down. Stamboli held Jordan above his head in the guerilla press, but Jordan hit punches to Stamboli's head to get out and hit the Blackout on Stamboli for the 1, 2, 3!

Match Grade: B-. Not great, but not bad either. Two wrestlers who no one outside of hardcore Velocity fans like me are likely to ever care about. I really don't see much of anything in Orlando Jordan, and if he doesn't step up his game soon, I wouldn't be surprised to see him going the way of Sean O'Haire. Johnny Stamboli is solid, putting together decent ring work with hilarious promos on the rare occasions he's given a microphone, but WWE is refusing to utilize him in a larger role, where I think he could be a real player.

Up Next: Big Show threatening to throw Torrie off a platform. What, did she hide his ham sandwich?

Commercial Break: Kill Bill, Volume Two is in theaters now. I saw this earlier tonight and have to give it a big thumbs up. I was never a fan of the quintessential Tarantino film, Pulp Fiction, but this flick is undeniable.

Flashback: Kurt Angle and John "Bradshaw" Layfield asked the Big Show to teach Eddie Guerrero a lesson. Big Show vowed that, if he didn't defeat Eddie, he would retire. While the ref was bumped, Eddie hit a low blow, followed by the five-star frog splash for the pin. The crowd sang the "Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" song. Show looked ready to cry. Show heard Torrie Wilson laughing with the makeup lady backstage and assumed that Torrie was laughing at him. Big Show looked ready to unleash on Torrie, but backed off. However, Show caught up to Torrie in the parking lot and, after yelling at Torrie, went mental on Torrie's car. Big Show then started crying, before standing up and yelling at Torrie and continuing his rampage on the car, including tipping it over. Yes friends, the Big Show became the Incredible Hulk. Torrie Wilson ran away, but much like Jason in the Friday the 13th movies, the slow moving Big Show was still able to catch her. Kurt Angle was alerted to the situation. Big Show was ready to throw Torrie 25 feet off a ledge to the ground. Kurt Angle threatened Big Show and said that, if he didn't release Torrie, Angle would make trouble for the Big Show. Big Show turned his attention to Kurt. Angle even said "Let go of me, you big jerk!" Gee, maybe you shouldn't call a seven foot, 500 pound man a jerk when he's getting ready to throw you off a 25 foot platform. Big Show then chokeslammed Kurt Angle to the ground, with a puddle of blood forming behind Angle's head. Crash TV is back, friends! And I think Kurt Angle's dead.

Sacrilegious Moment Of The Week: With the terrible job he's been doing as General Manager, I hope that Kurt Angle is dead.

Commercial Break: Carrottop is still doing 1-800-COLLECT commercials?! How does this man have any job, let alone one for a major international company representing them on television on a regular basis?

We see a promo for "The WWE Experience," premiering May 2nd and robbing us of our beloved WWE Confidential.

(4) D-Von Dudley (w/ Bubba Ray Dudley) defeated Doug Basham (w/ Danny Basham) when D-Von pinned Danny Basham at 6:36 after a switch earlier in the match.

Pre-Match Analysis: The Bashams: Fear the purple pants! Bubba was wearing those shorts, showing off his ridiculously pasty legs yet again. It's called tanner, Bubba. I'd rather you be orange than blinding white. You're not Powder. Bubba hugged D-Von on the way out, but they're brothers, so I guess that's OK.

Match Analysis: D-Von and Doug locked up, but D-Von took it into a wristlock, before hitting a belly to back suplex on Doug. He held onto Doug's waist, but Doug got to the ropes for the break. The fans were already chanting for tables. Doug had D-Von in a headlock, but D-Von Irish whipped out of it, before being slammed to the mat. On his way back up, D-Von tripped Doug and then followed it up with a dropkick and a schoolboy for a two count. D-Von had the armbar submission on Doug. There was actually a "D-Von" chant. Crazy! Doug got to a standing position and hit a shoulder block to D-Von, before D-Von fired back and scored a two count. Following an Irish whip reversal by Doug, both men were knocked down. D-Von rolled to the outside, and while the ref was distracted, Danny switched in for Doug. Danny hit a backdrop on D-Von for a two count. He went right back into the cover for another two. Bubba Ray was trying to yell to the referee that there was a switch, but the ref is an idiot and can't tell the difference. I swear, Bubba could switch with D-Von and that idiot wouldn't notice. Danny was controlling the action, ramming D-Von's head into the turnbuckle, then hitting an elbow on the mat. Danny had a cross chinlock on D-Von. Bubba tried to get the crowd behind D-Von while Doug taunted the audience and signaled that he couldn't hear the crowd. Danny got another two count on D-Von. Back up, Danny hit a couple kicks, followed by a jackknife for a two count. Danny had a modified headlock on D-Von while the crowd chanted for D-Von. D-Von got back to a vertical base and out of the hold. Danny Irish whipped D-Von to the corner and tried to follow it with a shoulder block, but came up with nothing but ringpost. D-Von began to make a comeback with right hands to Danny before hitting a flying clothesline for two. D-Von with a neckbreaker for another cover, with Danny kicking out at two. D-Von hit a clothesline to Danny, followed by another flying clothesline for two. D-Von signaled for Danny to stand up and was running for another move off the ropes, but Doug pulled D-Von's leg. The ref decided to send Doug (who he thought was Danny) to the back, and while the ref was distracted, Bubba ran in and the Dudleys hit the 3-D. D-Von made the cover and got the three count.

DeMott's Turning Point: The ol' switcheroo by the Basham Brothers could have been the turning point, but instead, it's Doug Basham pulling D-Von's leg and getting sent to the back by the referee.

Match Grade: B. Pretty solid, and it's been interesting that the last few switches the Bashams have made have still led to losses for the team. I don't know that it was a good idea to job the Bashams out in this fashion, especially after they already lost a tag match to the Dudleys, but maybe WWE will find something decent to do with the Bashams someday, however unlikely. Based on their recent record, I wonder if they're starting to wish Shaniqua was still around.

Final Show Grade: B-. A decent show, with one thumbs up match, two thumbs in the middle and one thumbs down. Nothing special, though Bill DeMott and Josh Matthews continue to gel more and more every week and did a fantastic job making this show feel a lot better than it would have otherwise been. All of the matches were between five and seven minutes, so no real chance for anyone to shine.

***

VELOCI-QUOTES!: v0.6

Josh Matthews: Bill, you know as well as I do that Akio is Korea's most famous movie star.
Bill DeMott: Yeah?
Matthews: Now Akio has problems with William Hung!
DeMott: What problems does he have with William Hung?
Matthews: Well, William Hung wants to be Asia's most famous star ever. So does Akio, so that means lots of problems coming out with William Hung and Akio.
DeMott: Well what movies does William Hung do?
Matthews: William Hung's never been in any movies, but he's a singer.
DeMott: Right now, Akio's wearing the original pants from "Enter The Yang." What's William Hung wearing?
Matthews: Nothing, exactly! I - I agree with you. Akio is the most famous movie star ever out of Asia, but William Hung wants to have that, you know, that role.
-Did Josh Matthews just say that William Hung is wearing nothing? If so, how in the green Heck does Josh Matthews know that? Wait, don't want to know!

"Kurt Angle suffered a grade 3 concussion, which is the worst concussion you can have, a broken left leg, and very severe internal injuries. We'll have the latest we can for you on Velocity." -Josh Matthews, who actually had an update for us on Kurt Angle's condition, unlike those tools at WWE.com. A Velocity Exclusive, my friends!

After saying that Kill Bill, Volume One on DVD is a sponsor:
Josh Matthews: I'd like to kill Bill. He he he!
Bill DeMott: I thought you'd like that.
-Josh Matthews with a zinger!

Discussing Velocity changing timeslots in two weeks:
Josh Matthews: We're moving. Pack the bags, Billy. You and I are moving.
Bill DeMott: Together?
Matthews: Yes.
DeMott: No!
Matthews: Yes. It's going to be outstanding.
-Josh, with Gay Line #2 of the night. Are they moving to San Francisco?

"Behold. The heavens have been ripped open, and a pale rider thundered out. For I am that pale rider, and I will trample underfoot the evil doers, the wicked, and the profane. All those who do not heed my message will suffer by my hand. For I, Mordecai, am the right hand of the Father, and his vengeance flows through me. Hear me, fear me, for the time of reckoning is upon us." -Mordecai, promoting his Smackdown debut. I don't know about you, but I thought this was pretty freaking cool, and I can't wait!

After the Mordecai promo played:
Bill DeMott: Josh, get the Hell off my lap!
Josh Matthews: Sorry Bill, that was scary!
-Homo-erotic Moment #3.

"It was a rental car... It's not like it was Torrie's car!" -Bill DeMott, with a great point. Why's Torrie whining? Did she not want to shell out the 15 bucks for insurance?

Talking about Rico's Smackdown debut:
Josh Matthews: I mean, we got a taste of Rico on Velocity.
Bill DeMott: No, no, no. Charlie Haas, and Jamie Noble, Jamie Noble got a taste of Rico on Velocity.
Matthews: Yeah, alright.
DeMott: The man kisses men! That's not what we do. At least, that's not what I usually do.
Matthews: That's not what I do either, Bill!
DeMott: Well, you and that metrosexual crap!
-Right on Bill! Right on! I think I'm just going to stop counting...

More Rico talk:
Bill DeMott: He didn't beat him, he made him puke!
Josh Matthews: OK, well, he still won the match. I mean, when you go back in the record books, it says Rico wins by countout.
DeMott: OK, let's step in the ring, and let me put my tongue in your mouth, and then we'll have a match.
Matthews: You try to put your tongue in my mouth here in this announce booth all the time!
DeMott: And I don't win, do I?
Matthews: No, never.
DeMott: See?
-Josh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

"From Dudleyville to Velocityville!" -Josh Matthews. I swear, if moving to Velocityville means that I get to hang out with my hero, Josh Matthews, I'm there!

***

Word life to all those Velocity fans out there. Keep the great feedback coming! Until next time, Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or on the VIP Forum. You can also read his unique wrestling insights every Friday in his Daydream Believer Lounge column.

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