By Mike Roe, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity Review
April 3, 2004
Taped March 30, 2004
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Religion Guru

What's up, Velocity fans? I know the citizens of Roemania, my Roemaniacs, have been dying for another week of Velocity goodness. In fact, this is the first week of Velocity that was taped after the trade deadline! What surprises does this show have in store for us? Will Funaki continue to use his position as head booker to hold the Velocity superstars down? Did Triple H leave a note behind, during his brief time on Smackdown, to "bury any wrestler that poses a threat to me, or that uses the Internet to look up anything other than pictures of me in Blade"? We shall all find out shortly! But first, a Velocity News Update...

In the most devastating news to Dusty "Metrosexual" Gaebink since finding out that American Idol 2 runner-up Clay Aiken isn't gay, the WWE released Sean O'Haire, aka that guy with the sweet intro videos that, sources had previously reported, was in the Federal Witness Protection Program, because he sure as Veloci-Hell wasn't on Smackdown or Velocity. I think Matt Morgan (who?) is now on notice...

The Velocity intro rolls, recently updated to include our very special new G.M., Kurt Angle! Oh it's true, it's DAMN true! We send it down to Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott at ringside...

Veloci-Sign of the Night: Akio = Ratings! Truer words have never been spoken. Er, written on a big sign.

(1) Mark Jindrak defeated Shannon AllThatAnd Moore.

Pre-Match Analysis: Why do I have a bad feeling that things won't go well for Shannon? And he's wearing purple pants. Did Spanky leave behind his ring attire?

Match Analysis: Shannon starts on offense, but Mark quickly sends Moore down and sends him into the corner for some shoulder thrusts. Irish whip to the opposite corner while Mark acts cocky. Shannon gets up on the other side of the ropes on the apron, pulls Mark's neck down over the ropes. Shannon gets back in but Mark keeps up the offense.
Jindrak with repeated left boots to Moore. Choke on Moore on the ground. Jindrak Irish whips Moore, into an atomic drop and a clothesline for a two count. Mark lifts Moore, Moore tries to fight out but Jindrak takes Moore down again. Jindrak Irish whips Moore into a bearhug. Wait a second, a wrestler using Mark Henry's moves? Not a good sign. Moore with fists to Jindrak's head to escape, but Mark quickly regains control and hits a sidewalk slam. Jindrak nips up as Moore lies helpless. Jindrak picks Moore up again for a delayed vertical suplex, but Moore reverses into a sunset flip. Jindrak gets up quick though and clotheslines Shannon.

Mark Jindrak is squashing Shannon Moore. This is so depressing to watch.

Jindrak takes Moore into the corner and gives him a boot, Irish whips Moore to the other corner but Moore gets up top and hits a jacknife off the top rope for a two count. Moore tries to maintain his momentum with knife edge chops, but Jindrak reverses, hits his finisher which the announcers refuse to call for the second week in a row, and gets the three count.

Match Grade: C+. Bleh. This match was a glorified squash. Mark Jindrak is still quite green, and seeing this match makes me understand why he didn't make the cut for Evolution. Of course, I still don't understand why Batista did, but that's another story.

DeMott tried to make the next match, Rico against Jamie Noble, seem like a big deal. He failed.

Rue DeBona interviews Jamie Noble backstage. After last week's interview with the last two Full Blooded Italians, Rue has apparently become the official Velocity Interview Hottie! Rue asked Jamie about Nidia being traded to Raw and the way it makes Jamie feel. Awwwww, how cuuuuuuute. Jamie talked about how he tossed Nidia to the curb, before hitting on Rue with the slickest hick lines this side of West Virginia. I love the fact that we're getting more and more Veloci-interviews. Does this mean that Velocity might be treated as the A show it really is? No, I didn't think so either.

Commercial break: Since Rico's on Velocity now, I think this Skittles "Taste the Rainbow" commercial has become far, far more disturbing. Unless you're Josh Matthews, in which case it's GREAT!

Flashback: For those who were lucky enough to have missed it, or who have manged to suppress it along with the memories of that time their uncle touched them in their special place, this week's Smackdown was rather abysmal. Or, if you're as dumb ad the McMahons think you are, this week's Smacky-downy was that thing that is the opposite of good. On this week's Smacky-downy, Kurt Angle announced the creation of the Kurt Angle Great American Award. This week's Smackdown had "nomination" matches to determine the nominees for the GAA (no relation to the GLAAD). Big Show won the first spot after beating Fat-kishi, and no, it wasn't a pie eating contest. Charlie Haas won a nomination over Rob Van Dam by Kurt Angle's decree, after a double DQ, that Haas was ahead on "points."

Wow, GM Kurt Angle did something that was kind of entertaining! Too bad it didn't last. Booker T beat Hardcore "Didn't I main event the Royal Rumble?" Holly for the next nomination. John Cena won the fourth nomination by defeating the two remaining FBI members in a handicap match. I'm sure glad they're treating the tag team division with such respect. Angle made the tournament rather meaningless by giving Bradshaw the last nomination after JBL didn't really do anything to earn it. I felt like Triple H was handed the World Title out of a briefcase all over again! John "Bradshaw" Layfield, despite being handed the fantastic Fox News gimmick, has yet to prove himself a worthy, serious challenger to Eddie Guerrero's WWE Title.

(2) Rico (with Miss Jackie "Pop Out" Gayda) defeated Jamie "By God" Noble.

Pre-Match Analysis: Rico came out with Miss Jackie, making their Veloci-debut! This isn't live, so no chance of a nipple pop, you pervs. Jason Roberts, a poor man's Tony Chimel, is tonight's ring announcer. Bill DeMott gets my props for pointing out Roberts' suckitude. Jamie Noble, the messiah for an entire trailer park community, came out in wrestling tights, as opposed to those Tommy Hilfiger jean shorts. Did Cena claim exclusive rights to the jean shorts?

Match Analysis: Rico started out with a gay move against Noble, a little slap on the behind. Rico preened before grabbing Noble from behind. Rico backed Noble into the buckle before bending over to make an anal sex reference. Good times. Rico hits a drop toehold into an armbar on Noble. Noble reverses out into an STF. Rico escapes and gets a hammerlock on Noble, but Noble moves to a vertical base and escapes again. Noble goes for a dropkick but Rico is nowhere to be found. Rico stands over Noble in yet another of his "funny" gay poses, but Noble rolls out of the ring in disgust.

Commercial Break: Quizno's Subs. Proving that they're in it for the long haul, Quizno's unveiled another commercial featuring the spongemonkeys. Seriously, that's their name. So, if spongemonkeys make you hungry, run down to Quizno's today!

Couldn't we have had a long match with a commercial break involving, I don't know, two wrestlers who actually have a chance in this company? Not that I don't love Rico, but I know that the WWE doesn't, and putting him up against Nidia-less Jamie Noble isn't too hope inspiring for either man. Anyways, Rico in the corner, Jamie tries to run in for an attack but Rico rolls out of the way and Noble runs into the turnbuckle. Noble gets Rico into the corner yet again, but Rico comes out of the corner and kisses Jamie. Greeeeat.

Noble clotheslines Rico for a short cover. Noble gets Rico in a neck submission. Sorry, I have yet to master either the Tazz skill of actually calling these holds, or the Cole skill of saying "What a move!" Jamie trash talks while Miss Jackie tries to cheer her man on. Noble plants (copyright Michael Cole) Rico. Noble hits the leg drop on Rico for a cover. Noble with a shoulder to Rico's head. Rico tries to fight up from the ground, but Jamie hits the dropkick for a two count before Rico kicks out. Noble with a pair of elbows to the head. Noble applies a different neck submission on Rico. Jamie Noble is such a good wrestler and I hope that this new attitude goes somewhere besides next week's Velocity, yet I somehow know it won't. Rico hits a slingshot suplex, but Rico is also down after hitting this move. Noble tries to pull Rico up, but Rico hits a jawbreaker and starts making a babyface comeback. Rico hits a series of punches and a backdrop for a two count Rico hits a heel kick (following another random gay position) for a two count. Jamie Noble has Rico in another submission, but Rico counters by running Noble into the ropes. Noble hits a kick from the corner. Noble tries to put his feet on the ropes for the pin, but Miss Jackie pushes his feet off While Noble is distracted, Rico gets the schoolboy for a two count. Rico hits a slingshot and knees to the back for a three count.

Match Grade: B. Wait a minute, RICO WON?! Yeah, let's give Jamie Noble a promo that could send him in a new, more successful direction and then job him out to the one wrestler who we know will never, ever, ever, ever get over. I swear, RVD must be hanging out with the writers now that he's been traded to Smackdown, if you know what I mean. You don't? OK, they were smoking weed. Lots of it. Like, I'm talking Amsterdam levels here.

DeMott's Turning Point: This wasn't even one point. This was just a montage of Rico's gay overtures. My favorite part was DeMott using his telestrator to circle Rico kissing Jamie. I didn't think it could happen, but this week's Turning Point was even MORE random. A preview of next week's Turning Point: Bill circles a picture of himself calling a move. Oh yeah, and in case you didn't notice, the Turning Point has officially lost its right to have an exclamation point announcing its arrival.

Up next: [s]J.R. Ewing's[/s] John "Bradshaw" Layfield's promo from inside his white limo. With bullhorns on the front, in case you don't understand that he's from Texas. You know, like if you have a serious learning disability.

Commercial Break: John Cena's "Word Life" DVD. You peeps gotta cop this one, dawg, or else you ain't a pimp.

(3) Orlando Jordan defeated Brent Albright.

Pre-Match Analysis: Sean O'Haire gets released while Orlando Jordan still has a job? No offense to Orlando's wrestling prowess, but Test has lost the Black Hole of Charisma title to OJ. Also, unlike last weekend's jobber de jour, Tyson Dux, Brent Albright doesn't get a ring entrance. No fair!

Match Analysis: Anyway, they lock up and Orlando forces Brent into a corner. The ref gets a clean break while Jordan claps and licks his fingers in the middle of the ring, waiting for Brent to come back out. Another lockup, but Albright gets Orlando into the corner this time, before backing up with another clean break. Brent hits a side suplex on Orlando. Brent goes for the crowd heat with some cocky mannerisms and actually gets some decent boos. After a deep armdrag, Albright continues to go for the heat. He yells "I'm ready now!" and hits a scoop slam on Orlando. Brent applies the wristlock and then a headlock, but Orlando reverses out and hits a series of deep armdrags into a scoop slam. Albright rolls to the outside to shake off the cobwebs.

Albright gets back in the ring, but Orlando takes him down with a drop toehold, followed by another arm drag. Orlando shoves Brent outside the ropes, but Brent hits a neckbreaker over the ropes to take Orlando down. Brent gets back in the ring and puts his knee to Orlando's neck in the ropes before the ref calls for the break. Brent rolls Orlando over into a chinlock. Orlando powers out with elbows to the gut, but Brent hits a neckbreaker for a two count. Albright applies another chinlock. Yeah, let's put the guy with no charisma in a match against a jobber with way more charisma than him. Great idea. Orlando elbows out of the chinlock, hits an atomic drop, but Albright manages to apply a sleeper hold. Orlando gets out but Brent applies another sleeper hold. This match has had more restholds than the last year of Mark Henry and Big Show matches combined. Orlando powers out, Albright goes for a clothesline but Orlando is fired up and hits three dropkicks in a row for a two count. Orlando Irish whips Brent into a big backrop. Orlando goes for the Johnson Shuffle, but before he can hit the post-dancing punch, Brent runs Orlando into the corner. Orlando gets out and hits a right hand to Albright. Jordan then hits the Blackout for the win on Albright, which Josh Matthews initially calls by a certain forgotten Velocity wrestler's finisher name *cough KANYON cough*, the Flatliner.

Match Grade: B-. As Chandler Bing would say, could there BE more restholds? WWE New Style has officially gone too far. Also, I don't know that I've seen this Brent Albright before, but he was fantastic. Why don't Albright and Tyson Dux have WWE contracts, while Orlando Jordan and Jon Heidenreich do? Ridiculous. DeMott pointed out on commentary that Orlando needs to come out of his shell and show some personality, and he also needs some wins to prove that he belongs in the upper tier of Smackdown superstars. Despite my distaste for the OTHER Big Bill at first, he keeps putting in more and more work and providing increasingly insightful commentary.

Commercial Break: Gatorade X-Factor. Should a wrestling show really allow commercials for any product that might remind their fans of awful, awful gimmicks of yesteryear? We also see a commercial for Larry the Cable Guy and Ron White's comedy albums, two popular hick comedians. Seriously, Larry looks like a fat Jamie Noble. I smell crossover synergy!

Mike's Velocity Review Inside Joke of the Week: Hey Maes, remember that time Giebink pulled a Burgan? I thought he was totally Miller'd!

Sting of the Night: Spike and Rey beating the Chavos, but immediately being taken to the woodshed by John "Bradshaw" Layfield. So, by proxy, JBL squashed all of the most prominent members of the cruiserweight division. Sweet.

Flasback: JBL arrived at Smackdown this week in the previously mentioned Texan Limo. His driver is Mexican, so Bradshaw plays the race card by telling his driver to speak English. I'm sure that's going to appeal to the WWE's Hispanic demographic. We cut to the end of the show, where JBL laid down the Fox Newsanomics on Eddie Guerrero, announcing his aspirations to win the WWE Championship belt. Despite Bradshaw claiming that it was just business, Eddie vowed to make it personal. Eddie ran up to the limo and snatched Bradshaw's hat. That's right, instead of attacking Bradshaw and laying him out, Eddie stole his hat. Wow, what a tough guy.

GM Kurt Angle seemed upset at the hat thievery. Bradshaw claimed that the hat was worth a thousand dollars. If that's true, Mr. Layfield, there's a bridge I'd like to sell you... Eddie asked the crowd if they had anything they would like to put in Bradshaw's ridiculously expensive hat. Eddie walked around the ring and let people put in everything from soda to popcorn to beer to loogies to a beer bottle. Is it just me, or does this NOT seem like a main event angle to you? Eddie then stomps on the hat as Bradshaw went completely insane and called Eddie "a disgrace to America." Dude, it's a freakin' hat. Get over it.

Sacreligious Moment of the Night: Bradshaw asked Eddie not to "desecrate" his hat. He's right. The only thing in WWE worth desecrating is Miss Molly Holly. By me. Through sex.

Tonight's main event is up next, featuring Billy Gunn against... ummmm... one of the Bashams. Uh, the ugly one.

Commercial Break: John Cena promotes YJStinger. Oh yeah, and alcoholism, as he asks you to mix it with your favorite drink at the club. Isn't Cena the same guy known for being totally straight edge backstage? This, ladies and gentlemen, is called "hypocrisy."

Slam of the Week: The Dudleys destroy ANOTHER tag team division, defeating Akio and Sakoda quite soundly.

(4) Billy "Ass Man" Gunn defeated Danny Basham (w/Doug Basham).

Pre-Match Analysis: The Bashams are wearing new red tights. OK, I'm glad that they're done with the S & M gimmick, but couldn't they get, I don't know, a promo? Maybe? Please? They're trying to sell Billy as being a ladies man, as they cut to a group of women in the audience. The ladies looked completely disinterested, though, so I don't think it's working. Glad to know your gaydar is working, girls.

Match Analysis: Billy and Danny locked up, leading to Danny shoving Billy in the chest. In the corner, the same situation happened, with another slap to the chest. Billy took down Basham and put him in a headlock. Basham reversed out, but Billy Gunn hit a shoulder block to take Basham down. Gunn hit a hip toss into a neckbreaker for a two count. Danny rolls to the outside, where the other Basham comforts him. Gunn did the old Hogan spot where he slammed their heads together. Gunn was going for the Fameasser, but Doug Basham pulled on Gunn's leg to take him down while Doug pulled the switcheroo and hit a leg lariat for a two count. Basham hit two punches to the head of Gunn, while the oblivious referee looked on.

Gunn returned with his own series of punches before Doug threw Billy to the outside. Danny attacked Billy on the outside. Doug and Danny consulted on the outside and we got another switch, with Danny heading back inside. Danny had a ground headlock on Gunn. Billy got back to a vertical position and hit punches to the stomach to get out before Danny gets a thumb to the eye. Danny hit a series of punches before licking his hand before the last punch. Danny put Billy into the tree of woe position and delivered kicks to the face. While Danny distracted the ref, Doug pulled on Billy's neck in the corner. Danny went for a cover for a short two count. Billy fired back with a pair of punches before Danny got an elbow and scored a two count with his feet on the ropes, but Nick Patrick spots it and calls for the break. He spots THAT but he can't tell that these guys look totally different? Danny hits an elbow to Gunn on the ground. Basham picks Billy up into another head
submission. Billy tries to power out, but Danny hits a clubbing arm to Gunn's neck and Irish whips Gunn. Danny looks to be going for the backdrop, but Gunn reverses into a modified bulldog. Both men are down, but they get to their feet at the same time and Billy repeatedly takes Basham to the mat. Billy throws Danny into the corner for a big splash but misses. However, after taking out Doug, Billy hits the Fameasser on Danny for a-ONE, a-TWO, a-THREE.

Match Grade: B-. Yes friends, Billy Gunn is so good, he can beat BOTH Basham brothers. Maybe they should team up with Stone Cold and Goldberg, so that their matches can be four on one, since all bald men are apparently identical. After that match, I need...

The Happy Moment of the Week: A-Train isn't my problem anymore. There, at least I feel a LITTLE better.

Final Show Grade: B-. Was this show specifically designed to make me angry? Because I'm 99.76 percent sure it was. Mr. Not Good Enough For Evolution, the Effeminate One and the Ass all got wins. Meanwhile, Mr. All That, the Trailer Park Messiah and the former OVW main eventers all jobbed. I think Head Booker Funaki was feeling threatened, as this has to win my award for Worst... Velocity... Ever. Now, it wasn't This Week's Smackdown Bad, but still a disappointment. Let's hope that next week we can get something, ANYTHING better than this.

VELOCI-QUOTES!: v0.4

Jamie Noble: Change is great. I'm rededicated, refocused... Shoot, I'm even in the market for a new girl. I was thinking about maybe one o' them... big city girls... with their big city clothes (Jamie tugs at Rue's fancy schmancy shirt)... and their fancy cars... hey Rue, ain't you from the city?
Rue DeBona: No, I'm small town, VERY small town actually, it's quite boring.
Noble: Hey, how 'bout after my match, whaddaya say uh, me and you get together and have ourselves a bite to eat?
Rue: I think I have something to do. (Rue laughs nervously)
Noble: Like what?
Rue: Manicure, pedicure, uh... full body waxing! Come to think of it, uh, rearrange my underwear drawer. But thank you, thank you!
Noble: Little bitty precious Rue, playing hard to get. Just like I like!
-Jamie Noble, Trailer Park Stalker.

After Rico hit a slingshot suplex:
"A la Eddie Gilbert!" -Bill DeMott. It's no "Shades of Pokerface!", but it will do.

Bill DeMott: "The movie's about a real - it's a true story. It's about Buford Pusser.
Josh Matthews: Did you know that the Rock's new movie, Walking Tall, is inspired by a true story?
DeMott: I just said that! Buford Pusser!
Matthews: Did you know that Johnny Knoxville's in Walking Tall? Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass?
BD: You can't say that!
JM: You can't say what?
DeMott: Knoxville.
Matthews: Why not?
DeMott: We're not there!
Matthews: His NAME is Johnny Knoxville!
DeMott: Oh... Buford Pusser!
Matthews: I know that's the guy's name in Walking Tall!
DeMott: Joe Don Baker.
Matthews: I saw the movie on its opening night, last night. It was awesome!
DeMott: Joe Don Baker... now the Rock. Bill DeMott... starring as Josh Matthews!
Matthews: I don't think you could play that role.
DeMott: It'd be a true story!
-Josh Matthews: The Movie. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Josh Matthews: You know who else is trying to be a big movie star?
Bill Demott: Who?
Matthews: Akio!
DeMott: He is a star! He's a Korean superstar!
Matthews: Yeah! He's got lots of movies. One where he's actually a Flying Elvis!
DeMott: What?
Matthews: A flying Elvis!
DeMott: I'm not having this conversation.
Matthews: God! And other one called Enter The Yang!
DeMott: Enter The Yang?
Matthews: Yeah.
DeMott: By Akio?
Matthews: Yes.
DeMott: The kid's got quick feet.
Matthews: It's big in Korea.
DeMott: It'll break out here. He won't have a billboard like the Rock, but it will break out here!
-I like how Josh and Bill take random gimmicks, such as Orlando Jordan being a ladies man, and do their best to get it over, week after week, with classic rapid fire dialogues like this one.

Bill Demott: How long have you been here, Josh? About six, seven years?
Josh Matthews: Uh... about that, yeah.
-Priceless. Just priceless.

Josh Matthews: Bill, who do you think should win the Great American Award?
Bill Demott: William Hung.
Matthews: William Hung?!
DeMott: You know, She Bangs!
Matthews: She bangs! She bangs! You know what, that's a great pick!
DeMott: He's American!
Matthews: I think William Hung SHOULD win the Great American Award!
DeMott: I think he won.
-Josh and Bill watch American Idol? Love that!

Bill Demott: Josh, I'm a former United States Champion myself. How come I'm not nominated?
Josh Matthews: 'Cause you sit here with me each and every Saturday night for Velocity, Bill!
DeMott: So that works against me?
Matthews: Yes.
DeMott: Fair.
-This was kind of sad, looking at Bill's descent to B show announce guy, but funny.

Screw all of you guys for making me stay up so late on a night when I'm losing a freakin' hour thanks to this spring forward nonsense. Stupid farmers and their Daylight Savings Time... Veloci-love for Dusty Godspell, the rest of the Gumgod and Torch writing crizzews, the Torch VIP's and each and every one of you readers who offered your thoughts on the true A show. Oh yeah, and Molly, if you're reading this, call me. And ignore any lewd and lascivious remarks made about your glory. They were inserted by editor Wade Keller. Until next time, Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or Mike_Roe on the VIP Forum, if you have words of praise to heap upon him. He promises to pray for all of you heathen primates. He loves your feedback almost as much as he loves the thought of naked Molly.

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