Mike Roe, Torch Team Pledge

WWE Velocity Review
March 27, 2004
Taped March 23, 2004
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Mike Roe, Torch Religion Guru

Hi everybody! (Hi, Doctor Mike!) It's time for another week of greatness, which your fellow fans may ignore, but you KNOW is better than anything you're going to see on Raw. The Velocity roster made some DYNAMITE trades as part of this past Monday's draft lottery, whatever that is, as well as during the post-lottery trade period. Sadly, Wade won't be reading the column anymore, as we have traded away his favorite wrestler, the A-Train. Who, I would like to note, is "a good hand in the ring." Our new GM (more on that later) traded away the Artist Formerly Known As Albert, along with now former FBI member Chuck Palumbo, for Miss Jackie and Rico, sure to become Velocity mainstays if the WWE doesn't pull their heads out of their butts and change Rico's gimmick. Sadly, we also lost the Japanese Buzzsaw, Tajiri, but we picked up a cruiserweight star, Spike Dudley. Let's ignore the fact that Spike got whupped his first night out, and just say that he'll make a fine addition to the TRUE Velocity Exclusive: cruiserweight matches that don't involve Chavo.

We send it down to... wait a second, the show actually started with a flashback! We see highlights from last Monday's draft lottery, including new Smackdown draftees Rene Dupree, Mark Jindrak, Rob Van Dam, Theodore R. Long, Spike Dudley and Triple H! However, then Bisch drafted our BELOVED GM, Paul Heyman. Whaaaaa--? Paul Heyman quit, only to be replaced by NEW Smackdown General Manager, the first General Manager to win an Olympic gold medal with a broken freakin' neck, Kurt Angle!

Without any further ado, NOW let's send it down to Josh 'More Metrosexual Than Ryan Seacrest' Matthews and Bill DeMott at ringside!

(1) Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn defeated Akio & Sakoda.

Match Analysis: Well, I don't know if Hardcore and Billy will be an 'official' team yet, as they came out individually. Billy stepped out first, using his time travel machine to get here from 1998. I mean, come on, ASS MAN?!! Terrible gimmick for a guy who used to 'pretend' to be gay. Akio and Sakoda then came out, and apparently, SAKODA IS WRESTLING FOR ONCE! Amazing! In case you've forgotten, Sakoda is the guy who always stands in Tajiri and Akio's corner looking tough while doing absolutely nothing. Billy and Sakoda started things off. Sakoda looked like a midget next to Billy. As in, his parents didn't give him proper nutrition, thus stunting his growth. I guess it's a combination of Billy Gunn being deceptively tall and Sakoda being Asian ummmm, NOT tall. Sakoda shoved Billy into the corner. Sakoda then smacked his own chest and put his hands up, leading to a chorus of boos. Sakoda shoved Billy into the other corner and did the same slap to the chest while he yelled at the crowd to shut up. Billy came out of the corner and knocked down Sakoda with a right hand. Sakoda Irish whipped Billy (or is it an Asian whip?), but Billy took Sakoda down on the rebound for a two count. Sakoda went and tagged in Akio, who was quicly taken down for ANOTHER pin cover by Billy Gunn. What is this, a squash match? Billy tagged in Hardcore, who went right for a kick to the gut before throwing Akio into the corner, following it up with some stiff chops. Hardcore went for the Irish whip, reversal, Hardcore blocks a hip toss and hits a scoop slam. Hardcore hits two arm drags, tags in Billy. Billy hits kicks to the gut, tags in Hardcore, more kicks to the gut. Akio hits the jawbreaker and tags in Sakoda. Hardcore arm drags Sakoda, tags in Billy for a double team, Irish whip Sakoda, then Hardcore and Billy deliver a double hip toss. Akio hits Billy in the back of the head with a kick, allowing Sakoda to attack Billy's shoulder. Sakoda tagged in Akio who continued the pressure on the shoulder. Akio attacked Billy with kick after kick. Akio pulled Billy's arm down over the ropes and, while the referee was taking care of AKio, Sakoda slammed Billy's arm down on the mat from the outside. Akio followed suit with the same move and had Billy down in a submission meant to put more sustained pressure on the shoulder.

Commercial Break: We see a promo for the fact that we're getting a repeat of Raw tomorrow night. I used to always love the fact that there was a Nitro rerun late at night, because I would always be up late and need something to put me to sleep after Raw... Wait, let me back up a second. I think the rerun is a GOOD idea, especially considering, well, pretty much everything else on Spike TV. I think the potential loss in viewership Monday nights during the first run would be worth it when compared to the potential to pick up new viewers who might be busy watching Average Joe 7 or whatever else is on during Raw.

Akio tagged in Sakoda during the break, but he's still got a shoulder submission on Billy. Sakoda lets it go to taunt Hardcore, but comes back and re-applies before Billy finally gets to the ropes. Sakoda tagged in Akio. Akio took Billy into the corner, but Billy came back with a series of punches before hitting "the Diamond Cutter", as Josh called it. DDP move reference? Love that! Hardcore managed to get the crowd to cheer in anticipation of the hot tag. Akio grabbed Billy's foot, but Billy jumped away to tag in Hardcore. Hardcore repeatedly took down Akio and Sakoda with a series of punches, before dropkicking Sakoda and backdropping Akio for a pin cover, which Sakoda broke up. Hardcore went for the trademark kick in the ropes to the "lower abdomen". Hardcore went up top, where he's been delivering an elbow to his standing opponents for the last few weeks, but Sakoda held his foot from the outside to stop him from jumping off. Hardcore had Akio up for an Alabama slam, but Sakoda attacked, which let Akio get a rollup. However, Hardcore regained control and managed to hit the Alabama Slam for the 1, 2, 3.

Match Grade: C+. This was traumatizing to watch, because while Tajiri and Akio put on a virtual clinic last week, this match was a severe disappointment. I now understand why they haven't let Sakoda wrestle. Because, well, he can't. He wasn't completely without any redemptive qualities, but he needs a lot of work if he even wants to dream about keeping up with Akio. I'm hoping to see Sakoda be Akio's enforcer instead of, you know, wrestling. Hardcore did the same spots he's done since he was the wrestling world's favorite car race driver (before being replaced by Tony Stewart), and Billy Gunn didn't do anything interesting outside of the Diamond Cutter, which I don't expect to see a lot of as long as Randy Orton is doing the RKO.

Flashback: This past week on Smackdown, our Olympic GM let us know that he traded Triple H BACK to Raw in a 3 for 1 trade. In return, we got the Dudley Boys, whose music hit for some reason even though they weren't coming out. We also picked up Booker T, SUCKAAAAA! And no, I CAN'T dig that horrendous theme song, but heel Booker IS pretty cool. He didn't look so cool in a Nike athletic shirt that was WAY too tight, but his promo made up for it. Booker put over the Raw fans for appreciating him, but nay, he says, the Smackdown fans just aren't the same. Booker accused Smackdown of being the "minor leagues", but we all know that is the biggest horse crap since Rikishi was a world title contender. I'm sorry, but does anyone else remember that? Booker T said that the wrestlers in the Smackdown locker room are "good hands", which cracked me up, since I thought Wade Keller was the only man in the world to use that term. Booker claimed to be better than EVERYONE in the locker room, including Eddie Guerrero, John Cena and the Big Show. To be more accurate, Booker said that he was "bigger than the Big Show", but Booker, if you want that to be true, start eating! ZING~! Booker even claimed to be better than the Undertaker, which gives me the feeling that a certain Deadman may be squashing for no reason taking the Book to task in the near future. Kurt Angle stood up for Smackdown, telling Booker to wake up and smell the coffee, that we are the major leagues. Kurt did agree, though, that Booker is a bigger star than everyone on Smackdown. Kurt also ran down the Smackdown fans for not appreciating great talent, like, well, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle! Kurt referred to Booker as the hottest, most dominant superstar on Smackdown today and asked the crowd to give him a big welcome, which led to a chorus of boos with a smattering of applause.

Commercial Break: John Cena DVD commercial! I'm sorry, but as much as I do my best to live up to the code of Word Life and Thuganomics, I can't help but think WWE blew it by not drafting Cena to Raw. I know they don't want to tempt the guy to be even more controversial, but Cena's promos have been duller lately than a Rikishi match. I mean come on, are all his promos now going to end with him throwing a pack of nuts at his opponent? Ridonculous!

WWE Rewind: RVD layed the smack R-V-Down on Charlie Haas on this week's Smackdown, picking up his first victory as a solo star after the draft lottery. Shouldn't RVD and Booker have said SOMETHING to each other on Smackdown, after being the tag champs just this past Monday? Or is Rob Van Dam forget he ever tagged with Booker, after smoking even MORE weed than I thought he did?

(2) Mark Jindrak defeated Tyson Dux.

Match Analysis: That's pronounced like 'dukes', as in, um, "Hey, look at those dukes over there!" I swear, if I don't hear a "shades of Pokerface" comment at some point during this jobber match, I'm going to scream. Mark Jindrak came our way as part of the draft lottery, sadly destroying the mother of all tag teams, Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade. Or was that Lance Cade? Does it matter? Tyson Dux came out and proved that he is the world's biggest spaz, doing dances that even Scott "Too Hot" Tayler and Brian "Too Sexy" Lawler would have thought were stupid. Mark Jindrak then came out to the world's worst entrance music. Tyson was announced as the local boy, so I guess they want to keep Jindrak heel. Dux repeatedly taunted Mark, including busting out those mad, phat dance mizzoves. Tyson went up top, but Mark hit him with a HIGH dropkick, knocking Dux to the floor. Mark picked Tyson up on the outside and threw him back inside, followed by some kicks to the body that Tyson sold like a star. Mark slammed Tyson into the turnbuckle hard, sending him to the ground, where Mark continued those kicks. Mark picked Tyson up and went for a delayed suplex. Mark went into the cover, but Tyson kicked out. Mark picked Tyson up and Irish whipped him, but Tyson rolled through. Jindrak countered into a two count, Tyson countered into another two count. Jindrak hit his finisher on Dux, which the announcers didn't announce, but it looked sort of like a combined Rock Bottom/powerslam.

Match Grade: B. AAAAAAAAHHH! Sorry, no "shades of" comment here was absolutely criminal, but it's OK, I'll cope. This match definitely featured a lot of intensity out of Jindrak, though I still find it hard to believe that they thought this guy belonged in Evolution, because he's still got a ways to go. That haircut is awful, too, can we do something about that? Tyson Dux was awesome though, and I hope WWE can see past his size in order to give him a shot as part of the roster. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Vince McMahon looking past someone's size? I don't think so! Well, hopefully Vince will accidentally sign him like he did with Spanky and Paul London, get squashed on Smackdown, and end up as a Velocity superstar!

DeMott's Turning Point! Jindrak throwing Tyson Dux into the corner. This somehow led to the victory. I swear, Bill's turning points get more and more random each week. I think that, next week, it's going to be Scotty doing the moonwalk.

The announcers let us know that Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty will be taking on the FBI in the main event. Wait a second, one terrible tag team taking on one mediocre tag team in the main event? What is this, Heat?

Commercial Break: Walking Tall is coming! However, Hellboy is ALSO coming out this weekend, and I'm sorry Rocky, but it's going to take a lil' more effort to get my movie dollars on opening weekend next time. We also see the new YJ Stinger ad with Y2J himself, Chris Jericho, which helped undo all the serious stuff he's doing on Raw in 30 seconds. I mean come on, this thing was worse than Triple H unleashing his bees.

Flashback: Two weeks ago on Smackdown, as the APA makes fun of Paul Heyman after he got his punk card dealt by John Cena. Heyman told Farooq that if he and his partner didn't win the tag titles, "you're fired!" Of course, they didn't win, and Paul actually just meant that Farooq was fired. Bradshaw turned his back on Farooq and argued that he had to stay with WWE because he had too much going on. We then cut to John "Bradshaw" Layfield's promo on this week's Smackdown. I don't know why, but I LOVE this character. Bradshaw let us know about his variety of accomplishments, including being a Fox News regular, doing his own radio show, writing a book on finance and writing a new political book. That's right, THIS guy is writing a political book. We all know that Bradshaw can't exactly go in the ring anymore, but this promo was MONEY, and this Fox News character is the best that they could possibly have done with Bradshaw. His music sounds like it's right out of Bonanza or Gunsmoke. Good stuff!

We get a behind the scenes interview with the Rock, along with some clips from the film. He actually calls his weapon an "iconic stick." He also claims that this all really happened back in the '50s. With how different this flick is from the original, that's a BIT of a stretch, but Rock's been hit in the head a lot, so it's OK.

Commercial Break

Flashback: This past Thursday's main event featured Booker T challenging Eddie Guerrero for the title. Booker was in control at the beginning of this clip, but Eddie managed to seize the reins. He hit the move that Tazz dubbed "the Three Amigos", aka the three vertical suplexes with the hip swivels in between, and was about to hit the Frog Splash and get the win when who else comes out but John "Bradshaw" Layfield? Yes friends, this is a man whose biggest accomplishment in recent months was a sustained feud with the World's Greatest Tag Team, including his assertion that Shelton Benjamin is really Shaniqua. Now he's interfering in Smackdown's main event. Will he be a regular Smackdown superstar? Or will he be back in the land of milk and honey, aka Velocity, in the near future? Only time and the path to the May Smackdown PPV will tell...

Backstage, AfterBurn hosting hottie Rue DeBona interviewed the FBI about Chuck being traded to Raw for Rico. Sweet, Velocity has its own backstage announcer! Nunzio and Johnny "Da Bull" Stamboli cut a great promo about how they were newly motivated after the tragic departure of their other half... errr, third, Chuck Palumbo. I think this was the longest that either of them have been on the stick in WWE since, well, EVER. If this had been on Smackdown, it might have done something to make the FBI a real tag team title threat, but, well, it wasn't. A great combination of humor and intensity. Let's hope they give these guys another shot this coming Thursday.

Commercial Break: OK, I mentioned it before, but Hellboy looks doper than a Celian Varini Euro Heat report, or Derek Burgan links to pictures of Britney Spears.

WWE Slam of the Week: The Dudley Boys make their Smackdown debut by squashing native Smackdown tag team the Basham Brothers, while still proving that they are as boring and stale as ever.

(3) Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty defeated the Full Blooded Italians, Nunzio & Johnny Stamboli.

Match Analysis: They come in at a combined weight of 564 pounds, but how much of that weight is Rikishi's butt? Also, while this thing seemed to have shrunk a while back, I think it's ballooned back out to full size yet again. I didn't mention earlier, but Stamboli is wearing a freakin' bulletproof vest, which he throws to ringside. It actually looks pretty pimp. Stamboli kisses Nunzio in the corner, which Bill DeMott objects to, but Josh Matthews explains that it's an Italian thing. Hmmm, Josh trying to justify two men kissing? What a surprise!

Sacrilegious Moment Of The Week! In fact, that was gayer than the Passion. Did Christian America REALLY support a two hour long movie about a half-naked guy?

Nunzio and Scotty lock up in the center of the ring, but Nunzio turns it into a wrist lock. Scotty rolls out into his own wrist lock, before Nunzio slams Scotty to the mat. Nunzio grabs Scotty around the waist, but Scotty gets a standing switch and shoves Nunzio into the corner with Rikishi. Nunzio shows his disrespect by swiping his hands under the jaw. Nunzio Irish whips Scotty into the corner, goes for a splash, but misses. Scotty armdrags Nunzio into a submission, but Nunzio manages to get out of it and Irish Italian whips Scotty, who hits the armdrag on Nunzio. Nunzio throws Scotty into the FBI's corner and tags in Stamboli. Scotty hits the arm drag on Stamboli and tags in the 'Kish. The Bull starts talking crap to Biggie, but Rikishi hits a series of punches to Stamboli's face. Stamboli tries to go for an Irish whip, but is unable to move that big ol' butt, which Rikishi is apparently using for leverage. Stamboli goes on the attack but winds up in position for Rikishi to hit the Bonzai Drop, but Johnny rolls out of the way. Stamboli wants to shake hands with Rikishi, but he's having none of it and hits Stamboli in the face before tagging in Scotty. Scotty hits a kick to the gut and Stamboli tries to crawl over to his corner. Stamboli gets Scotty up for a slam. Johnny drags Scotty over to his corner to tag in Nunzio, aka the Sicilian Shooter. Nunzio puts Scotty in a surfboard-like submission, but Scotty gets out and gets a two count off of the backslide. Scotty gets the school boy for another two count. Nunzio hits the side ITALIAN leg sweep for another two count. Johnny Da Bull is back in and puts Scotty in a bear hug. Rikishi gets the crowd clapping for the super tag. Bill DeMott notes that the FBI is working on Scotty's neck and back. Scotty bites Johnny to get out of the bear hug and Scotty hits the enzugiri to the back of Stamboli's head. He then goes for a tag to Rikishi. Rikishi intimidates the "Italian Pirahna" Nunzio to keep him from interfering. Rikishi hits the big butt bump into Stamboli in the corner, leading to the ridiculously stupid flop in the corner. 'Kish looks over, but Nunzio jumpes onto Rikishi's back. Scotty is in the ring and decides to go for the W... O... R... M! Rikishi tosses Nunzio and hits the Samoan Drop on Stamboli for the win.

Match Grade: B. Nothing special, but not bad either. The FBI actually seemed credible after that promo before the match, which makes Rikishi and Scotty getting the win that much more puzzling, but they can't all be perfect, I suppose. Also, is it just me, or has anyone else noticed a lot more biting going on in the WWE lately? NO idea what's up with that.

Final Show Grade: B-. Not as great a show as last week, but solid nonetheless. We got to see the good: The FBI's promo, the bad: Sakoda wrestling, and the ugly: Tyson Dux's white boy dancing.

VELOCI-QUOTES!: Version 0.3

"Billy Gunn, still a member of Smackdown and Velocity!" -Josh Matthews. I think he just means Velocity, because Billy Gunn appearing on Smackdown is like the proverbial 'blue moon': inevitable, but uncommon.

After Hardcore kicked Akio in the crotch:
"Right in the egg rolls!" -Josh Matthews, who then explained that it was because, ya know, Akio is Asian. Hey Josh, aren't you oppressed minorities supposed to stick together?

"I'm a freakin' one man conglomerate!... Can't we still be friends at least?" -Bradshaw two weeks ago, to his ex-partner, Farooq. Shouldn't the word freakin' be reserved for Kurt Angle, or at least Kurt and John Cena?

"Normal people never let their dreams get beyond their front door because they are scared by failure. I have never been scared by failure, and I have never failed... What I say, I do, and what I do, I do very, very well... Business is about to pick up!" -John "Bradshaw" Layfield this past Thursday, letting us know why he's about to be a main event player, and doing a pretty darned good job of it.

"Chris Vaughn does his talking with his hands. And his stick." -The Rock, proving that he can work in references to his genitals even when he's not wrestling.

Following a sponsorship spot for Burger King, which included the phrase "crisp delisciousness":
"Crisp deliciousness, Bill! Crisp Delisciousness, that's what I call you!" -Josh Matthews, proving just why he's called Gay Josh.

Following said Gay Josh moment:
Bill DeMott: Where do you come up with these phrases? Metrosexual... Crisp Lishy...
Josh Matthews: HA HA HA! Nice try, Bill.

Nunzio: How do we feel? We think it's a disgrace! First of all, they trade Chuck Palumbo for Rico? A guy that puts makeup on his face, a guy that, when he gets in the ring, he prances around, like a little girl? How do we feel? Pfft, we're no longer the FBI!
Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli: Yeah, we're no longer the F.B.I.! We're more like the B.I., or the F.I. I mean--.
Nunzio: It's quite obvious that Johnny the Bull is upset himself.
Stamboli: Or the I.F. I mean--
Nunzio: Johnny, Johnny, she gets the point. Literally, me and Chuck were the heart and soul of the FBI, and what they did was rip the heart and soul out of the FBI.
Stamboli: So if Chucky was the heart, and you were the soul, that must make me the brains!
Nunzio: It certainly don't make you the brains. Maybe the liver, but that's besides the point. Right now, we need to go out there and show everybody that we're still a dominant force, right here on Velocity, and Smackdown! Let's go!
Stamboli: You calling me chopped liver? Is that what you're calling me?

While discussing the Italian tradition of men kissing one another:
"I'm Italian, I didn't kiss you yet!" -Bill DeMott, SORELY disappointing Josh Matthews.

"The most devastating move in all of sports entertainment, the Worm!" -Josh Matthews, proving yet again why he's the best play-by-play man in sports entertainment today!

Well, it's time for those of us at Velocity Review HQ to close up shop for the night. Hopefully, you enjoyed the ride as much as I did and can't WAIT until next week baby, WHOO! Will new Velocity Superstar Rico make his Velocity debut? Tune in next week, same Veloci-time, same Veloci-channel!

Much love going out to Dusty Giebink, Derek Burgan, Jeremy Maes, Scott Paris, Doron Barbalat, Peter Zed, B-Esser, Phalse, Celian Varini, Untouchable Crew, and everyone else who has supported me and shown that sweet, oh so succulent Velocity Love. Until next Saturday night, Mike Roe OUT!

Mike Roe can be contacted at roemd03@stolafalum.com or Mike_Roe on the VIP Forum, if you have words of praise to heap upon him. He promises to pray for all you heathens. He loves your feedback almost as much as he will surely love the upcoming Molly Divas 2004 photo shoot, shot BEFORE Molly was shaved bald! If you have a complaint, he's listed under "Celian Varini".

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