By Jeremy Maes, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Heat Review
February 22, 2004
Taped 2,16 2004 in Bakersfield, CA
Report by Jeremy Maes, Torch Team Contributor

Hey everybody, it’s that time of week again where the WWE production staff takes a breather and let’s the inmates run the asylum, they like to call it Sunday Night Heat.

Before getting to the review I have an early entry for James Guttman’s “Tool of the Week.” Award. Unless something drastic happens between now and Friday you will be hard pressed to find someone more suitable and come November he will be the leading contender for “Tool of the Year.” Of course I am nominating Ralph Nader. I like Ralph. I like most of his stances but I cannot believe he is going to undercut the Democratic nominee and run for president. It serves no purpose than to divide the democratic vote and thus giving us another four years of job loss, deceased Americans and incompetence! Way to go Ralph, you a—hole!

Match #1: Rico w/ Miss Jackie defeated Test. Rico starts off the contest by spanking Test. Test than turns the tables and beats down Rico. Jackie is wearing that ridiculous outfit from Raw. It is pretty funny to look at. Test gives Rico a running clothesline in the corner then stomps on Miss Jackie’s fingers. The audiosweetner boos! Rico comes back with a sit down jawbreaker and follows with punches. Rico ducks under a clothesline and gives Test a leaping clothesline of his own. Rico looks a little bloated and winded by now. Maybe it is the hair. Test misses a big boot and Jackie shows off her goods again allowing Rico to roll up Test for the three count.

Match Satisfaction: Okay on the replay it was obvious Jackie has a bra on. So, I ask, is Test that big f an idiot he is distracted by an average looking chick with big fake tatties? I am also asking if you were in attendance did she at least appear to flash her bare chest? The match was average at best and it is no fault of Test. Rico looked bad. The gimmick he has makes no sense now. If he is still the ambiguous guy than the announcers need to mention the fact he never reacts when Miss Jackie flashes his opponents. The gimmick with Test battering women is old; actually it was old before it began. It serves him no good. Can anyone name me a top-tier wrestler that had a woman-beating angle in their career? I cannot think of one.

There are only 21 days until Wrestlemania and 17 days until Difrango’s.

Back from break, they give a short video presentation of Evolution losing the tag straps. Then randy Orton tells Bischoff he s going to go fight Mick Foley. Bischoff says it is unsanctioned. Um, so what? Legally her would still be responsible for whatever happens on his show right? Paging Pat McNeil.

Randy calls Mick his bitch again and out comes Foley. They fight then Evolution breaks it up and Orton low blows Foley. I never realized the innuendo in that phrase before. Randy yells at Mick to stay down as the video ends. You know I have told people that before and they got mad too. Different circumstances though and we no longer see each other she was too high-maintenance.

Match #2: Renee Dupree w/ Rob Conway defeated Val Venis w/ Lance Storm. Oh goody, it’s Dupree time! Val has shaved and boy does he fit the term baby-face. He looks really young clean-shaven. Renee is wearing bright yellow tights without a hint of the French flags colors.. Coachman properly points out that all of the people in this match are foreign. Snow then correctly ponders why they are chanting U.S.A. I agree. Okay I take it back; Dupree’s shorts and boots have a small dose of the French flags colors stripped on his boots. Oh the match itself, Dupree beats on Venis. Venus is down and Dancing Renee comes out. Damn that is still funny. Venis rolls out of the elbow drop and goes on the offensive. Val lands a spinning backbreaker slam and then climbs the top rope. Conway tried distracting Venis before the moneyshot but Lance Storm beats him down. Val tries the moneyshot but it, err, he took too long and it, err, sorry, lands on Dupree’s knees. Rene than hooks Val in a Death Valley Driver sticks it and gets the three count.

Match Satisfaction: This was a much more satisfying match than the first contest. Renee Dupree is fantastic for as green as he is. The dancing gimmick is great and I hope they drag out him actually hitting the elbow drop after the dance for sometime. Oh and I take it back. I have been calling for a Dudleys trade to Smackdown, well; I would like to see them go so Conway and Dupree, no mention of Le Resistance tonight, can take on the World’s greatest Tag-Team. T would serve the means of bringing along the two greener men while showing the true talent of Benjamin and Hass.

Back from the break, Chris and Christian argue over on Raw about the condition of Jericho’s knee. Then it shifts to Trish talk. Jericho says Christian is his best friend, meaning Christian will ditch out on his birthday and then try and steal his girl. You know whenever someone says they are your best friends either in wrestling if real life you gotta know you are going to get screwed. I mean does anyone believe someone’s intentions are honorable if they say they are? People who are your best friends are always there; they are your brothers, sisters and others that you just know. They seem like a brother even if there is no real blood relation. Someone who like to take a nap after waking up in the morning or someone who ensures the real Crippler is up and running and the fridge has enough Ying-Ling or someone who is 700 miles away in the frigid tundra of Upper Michigan playing basketball.

Oh yeah I am covering HEAT, sorry, the closing moments of the Kane/Jericho match play and Kane whoops up on Jericho’s knee. The referee calls for the bell since Jericho cannot stand. JR hilariously says Jericho’s patella may be shattered. Um, isn’t the Patella a tendon? Anyhoo, Kane calls out whoever is causing his pyro not to work and those creepy videos. Kane then flails his arms and the pyro goes off. As he walks up the ramp the lights go out and it starts raining. Kane stands there and gets wet, from the rain, instead of flailing his arms again causing fire to shoot up and evaporate the rain. Hoo boy, Kane has forgotten he has powers also. But, the visual is cool so real criticism will have to wait.

Again back from break a very young Eric Bischoff appears and calls out Vince McMahon. All of that is from the Monday Night War DVD. I have not seen it but it sure would make a good belated birthday gift! It is amazing how much Vince and Eric have aged in just a few short years. Then they go back to Monday night and Eric is boasting about kicking Vince McMahons ass anywhere in the country. Vince said he is going to give Eric a reprieve and kick Eric’s ass Monday night after making a gigantic announcement Monday.

Match #3: Jon Heidenreich defeated The Hurricane. Sweet lord why? I did not drink and drive last night, no hookers, no strippers, no fighting, just a few drinks and went to bed, why am I being tortured? Hurricane has his work cut out for him tonight making this clod look good. Shane Helms is controlling most of the match so far. J.H. misses a kick and sprawls out of the ring. Hurricane follows up with a plancha. Back in the ring Hurricane gives him a thumb in the eye causing Jon to plod around even worse. Jon catches Hurricane and hotshots him on the top rope then follows it up with his spinning slam for the victory.

Match Satisfaction: Well It’s official Hurricane is officially in the doghouse. How else do you explain losing a match to this guy? My go you have got to be sh**ng me! Jon f’n Heidenreich? For all of the praise the WWE has received lately for Raw’s resurgence they should take a lot of heat, no pun intended, for the absolutely ridiculous booking that sneaks in on Sunday Nights. Explain to me how this was a good move! Explain it to me! Explain to me how Hurricane jobbing out to this clod in under three minutes. Christ this was awful. I know I am just piling on Jon Heidenreich but he deserves it.

John Henson appears during the commercial and says there is a new CD-Rom game entitled “Getting to know you U.N.” He says President Bush tried it but he prefers Dig-Dug. I say that is pretty damn funny. Henson is good for a zinger here and there. (Editor’s Note: I still hate John Henson.)

Footage airs of the Brock/Goldberg confrontation from No Way Out: Brock calls Goldberg a bitch and that Prompts Bill to get in and Jackhammer Brock. Bill is then arrested. Then Goldberg comes back and spears Brock during his match with Eddie Guerrero. The best part pf this is the fact that they refrained from showing the critical moment of the match Goldberg gave him the spear. By avoiding showing the spear in the closing moments of the match it does not taint Eddie’s victory.

Match #4: Matt Hardy, & The Rising (Cade & Jindrak) defeated The Dudleys. Ahh time for some Matt Facts:

1) Matt has exceptionally long eyelashes.
2) Matt’s house has 4 bathrooms.

I like the prospects for this match. Associating Matt and some other up and comers may be a good move for him. Let him be the leader of a little mid-card heel group who can eventually move up. We’ll see if this is a one-time deal or not though. Thankfully the last commercial break comes before the match begins. Hopefully it will not start during the break.

Ah, another crappy item from Taco Bell. Is a regular taco or Burrito that boring? Why do you need to put the meat and cheese in fluffy bread and then deep-fry it? Damn that’s just gross and yes I have tried one.

Well, they started during the break. In the ring Matt hardy is taking it to D-Von. Then he looses focus and gives the V.1 salute allowing D-Von to slip in a punch. Coachman mentions Matt’s losing streak this week so I guess that angle is still on. They also mention that the Dudleys have not been on the receiving end of the victory lately. Al cracks on Bubbas legs and I agree. Those are some pasty legs. Spike is tagged in and gives Cade a spinning head scissor and follows with stomps in the corner on Cade’s chest. D-Von comes in and he and Cade lock up.

At this point Coach mentions Prince for some reason and all I can think about is Prince playing basketball against Charlie Murphy. “Then he made us pancakes!”

In the ring D-Von is in control of Cade. Matt Hardy slips in and causes D-von to lose momentum. He slips out of the ring and flashes the V-1 sign again. Matt tags in and goes after D-Von. Matt slows down the pace with a knee to the back of D-Von’s neck. He gives D-Von a clothesline and then tags Cade. Cade hits him for a few seconds and then remembers there is a third member of the team and tags in Jindrak. Jindrak nails D-Von with a high drop kick. It really is as nice as Coachman and Snow gush. Bubba gets tagged in and gets on Cade. You know, Cade and Jindrak have matching tights and their hair, at first look, is styled the same and of similar color. It is hard to tell them apart. I am not sure if that is good or not.

All hell breaks loose now. D-Von gives Matt the headbutt to the nuts as Spike keeps the referee distracted. Bubba calls for 3-D but Jindrak saves Matt. On the opposite side of the ring Cade slams down Spike and pins him. After the match Coachman says the losing streak for Matt Hardy is over. Matt celebrates in the aisle way pacing back and forth saying, “I won, I won.” Matt celebrates by yelling V-1 and taking credit for the victory.

Match Satisfaction: I liked this match quite a bit. This is definitely the best The Rising has looked. It was nice to see Matt Hardy on the winning side of the equation for a change. Although I do not believe the “losing streak” is over though. He did not get the pin fall so the story can go that he did not get the deuce therefore he still has a losing streak going. The Dudleys stale act was over with the crowd but their characters really have nowhere to go. Outside of trading them the only option is to turn them full-fledged heels minus the tables, top-rope headbutt and the 3-D. A total overhaul would be needed so the fans have no choice but to boo them.

End Comments: Outside of the deplorable decision to have Jon Heidenreich go over Hurricane this was not a bad edition of the show. Coachman and Snow actually made sense in spots and were tolerable throughout. My god, is that hole in the ground a pitfall from hell freeing over? Oh no, my bad, it’s the Pepsi center in Denver. I know a hole when I see one. The main-event was entertaining and there was an honest degree of mystery pertaining to the outcome. Some quick thoughts, Rico needs an elliptical trainer, Bubba needs a tan and my idea a few months back of having Jon Heidenreich become the Solomon Grundy to Hurricane’s hero was a bad idea.


Jeremy Maes welcomes any comments, oversights and opinions you have to share. Drop me a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com or if you are a VIP Member, as you should be by now, I can be reached at Jmaes through the messenger service! Also, my Lounge articles are posted sometime every Wednesday. Make sure and check it out. Until this Wednesday, have fun!

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