Derek Burgan, LOUNGE escapee

WWE Smackdown review
February 12, 2004
Taped sometime before today in Mike Roe, Gumgod Pledge, Country
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

Now that you checked out this weeks edition of the Pops~! you can click on over and see the one Valentine’s Day gift from the WWE that is Not Suitable for v2.1’s younger readers

In a nutshell: It’s Mariachi Time! And Eddie Guererro with a blistering promo!

***A Mariachi band is playing in the middle of the ring and out comes Brock Lesnar wearing a sombrero and dances to the ring. Yes, you read that right. He danced~! There’s definitely not enough Sombreros used in wrestling. In the VIP this week I revealed my Secret Origin of traveling up and down the west coast with Eddie Gurerro and Art Barr as part of Los Gringos Locos. My ring name was La Cucaracha~! Trust me, you ain’t seen nothing till you’ve seen my patented Salsa Shuffle! Wait, where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Brock gets in the ring and starts ripping apart Eddie by saying things like he was winning belts when Eddie was knocking back shots which in turn brings down Latino Heat, who is PISSED!

Eddie shoots another great promo talking about how he has lost everything but he is building himself up. Brock Lesnar and winning the WWE title is his new addiction. This was really, REALLY good.

(4) Bradshaw (w/Farooq Asaad) beat Shelton Benjamin (w/Charlie Haas). The finish came when Bradshaw hit his Clothesline from Hell.

Heat Index: Matches like this are just going to drive us insane, so let’s check out stuff like this unbelievable Etch-A-Sketch Page. I swear I can make my name in Etch-A-Sketch and it looks like a junkie on his 2nd day of withdrawal, who is also afflicted with A.D.D., was working it. I have no idea how this stuff can be done. Amazing.

JOB Failure: Rikishi and Scotty have the tag team belts and the World’s Greatest Tag Team is facing the A.P.A. in a series of matches no one gives a shit about? There’s something wrong with this picture.

Kayfabe Factor: Aight, this match sucked donkey balls, so let’s do something cool. Check out This WWE Article. It talks about the hiring of a new WWE announcer and has Michael Cole, yes THAT MICHAEL COLE saying other people who showed up weren’t prepared or organized. I guess the new guy must have called half the moves “He planted him!” to make such an impression on Shoelace…

***Backstage Gay Josh had an Angle update. The trainers say Kurt isn’t dead. I was transfixed by Josh’s hair as it was more frosted than most birthday cakes.

I can not believe I just heard What I Think I Just Heard. This kid was GOLD in his American Idol audition. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard except at that fat girl who I thought was going to KILL the judges when they said she sucked. I can’t believe this kid has his own website though, or that he has such hardcore fans.

***Jamie Noble comes to the ring with a mic and reads Nidia the riot act. He tells her to get the hell out of his house and he wants his stuff back! Eventually she drives out in a truck that is attached to a giant woodchipper. Cue your Fargo joke here. Nidia went off on Jamie. Blah Blah Blah and ended up tossing a bunch of stuff into the woodchipper, including that stupid fur coat. It is announced at the PPV Sunday that Nidia will be facing a blindfolded Jamie Noble. DEAR GOD WHO THOUGHT OF THAT?!

***Rue interviews Sable and Torrie who say they have a lot in common, besides the dyed hair and fake tits of course. They kinda insinuated lesbian sex and all but pulled out lollipops. This is all to plug the upcoming PlayBoy issue tomorrow. Night I will pray that Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler WAKE THE HELL UP and take this PlayBoy money while they can before it’s too late.

(5) John Cena &Eddie Gurerro beat Big Show and Brock Lesnar. The finish came when Eddie hit Brock using Cena’s steel chain in a blatant low blow and rolled him up for the pin.

Heat Index: Cena made the surprise entrance after Angle’s music hit for a huge pop from the crowd. Cena spent the bulk part of the match getting his ass kicked though. Way too much. I really liked how at the big spot at the end when both teams were going for a hot tag, Brock got his and hopped over the top rope to run over and break up the other tag. This kid is one hell of an athlete and does every little thing perfect. I think he’s a total jackass when it comes to his thoughts on the “sheets”, but when it comes to wrestling this guy is the real deal.

JOB Failure: No Thuganomics before the match? WTF?!

Kayfabe Factor: Overall this main event should have been a lot hotter. The end was great though, especially when Kurt Angle ran down and planted Big Show and Cena with chair shots. Cole made a pretty big deal of Eddie cheating, which confused the hell out of me but I’ll toss that in with me just being too tired to understand this obviously complicated storyline.

***A weekly look at the events that transpired and their effects on the enjoyment for the everyday fan. Remember, 0 is as bad as wrestling can get (imagine if all PPV’s were of Heroes of Wrestling quality) and 100 is pure wrestling nirvana.

The Raven Cruise? So sometime in 2005 Raven is going to put on his Cpt. Stubing hat and have a meet and greet with fans on a cruise. This has the potential to be really cool as Raven has a really sharp mind, which you could catch a glimpse of in the Torch Talk Wade did with him a little while ago. +3

$200 bucks a ticket for Bacon, Bagels and Biceps Brunch: Who is the marketing genius that came up with that one? The ad says that a dozen or so WWE superstars will be at this and Those In The Know tell me you should leave Tommy Dreamer a couple bucks after he cleans your table. -2

MLW closing up shop: It’s never good to see a quality Indy go under. Help us ROH, you’re are only hope! Speaking of Star Wars, it’s coming on DVD this year. WHHHooooooooooooooooo! -4

TNA somehow f---s up a taped PPV: I thought last night I was watching some sort of practical joke. Audio problems. Visual problems. And Mike Teny tops his goofy performance with Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J from last week. Save your TNA money and buy an ROH DVD. They are having a big sale this weekend. -5

Last Week’s Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 64
This weeks change: -7
Current Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 57

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”They won’t look at you and say ‘Who’s Next?’ They will look at you and say, ‘Who’s Goldberg?’ ” - Paul Heyman, to Bill Goldberg from Monday Night RAW

”The SmackDown fans are fired up tonight, you think they realize No Way Out is in 3 days?” - Michael Cole, and I found this funny because I had no idea there was a PPV this weekend.

”Worms don’t have eyes.” - Michael Cole, zoologist

”I’m going to beat down that jumping bean Rey Mysterio.” - Chavo Guererro

”I love basketball Cole, do you?” - Tazz, after an ad for nike basketball

”You play?” - A bewildered Cole, in response

”I dunk. I love to dunk!” - Tazz

”What do you know about Mexican music?” - Michael Cole

”I know you know about it. You were in a Mariachi band and played the skin flute.” - Tazz (ZING~!)

”…” - Shoelace, in shock

”That’s what I heard.” - Tazz, digging the knife in

”Ok guys, let’s go. 1, 2, 3. Wait. I’m sorry. I forgot. Uno, Dos, Tres..” - Brock Lesnar conducting the Mariachi band

”They swam a hell of a long way to perform for you Eddie!” - Brock, referring to the Mariachi band

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

”Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the great pumpkin. ” - Tina Fey

”It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his
father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves..” - Bill Mahrer

”Because of Janet's performance at the Super Bowl the Grammys will now be on a 5-minute delay so
they can take out any mistakes. In fact they're saying Dick Cheney wants to use this technology on Bush's speeches ” – Jay Leno

”Next week the Bush administration is going to start broadcasting an Arabic language satellite TV channel in the Middle East. President Bush said the channel will tell people the truth about what the United States is doing in the Middle East, which is pretty good considering that he didn't even tell us what we were doing in the Middle East ” – Jay Leno

”Massachusetts is about to become the first state to let gays and lesbians marry. Now here's the part I don't understand, why would a gay guy want to marry a lesbian?” – Leno

”John Edwards won the South Carolina primary -- his basic stump speech is there are really two Americas -- one where he tries to hide his southern accent and the other where he tries to emphasize it” - Leno (Zing~!)

”According to Fox News, Latinos find the term 'illegal immigrant' highly offensive, equating it with a racial slur – they prefer the term Walmart American..” - Leno

”Yesterday, Justin Timberlake, in an interview, said his parents were embarrassed after the Superbowl halftime show and then he admitted that his parents were embarrassed before the show..” - Conan O’Brien

Forget quotes, you need to head on over NOW and read the hilarious stuff between Anderson Cooper and Ric Flair from James E. Guttman’s incredible Raw Insanity. That guy Guttman is a god damn genius.

”Ex-wrestler Jesse Ventura will teach a class at Harvard University. Harvard offers woodshop?” – Craig Kilborn

”Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential
race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did" ” - Dennis Miller

”On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?' ... There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked by Tim Russert if his commission investigating Iraq was bipartisan. President Bush said, 'A person's sexuality should pay no role in this.' ” - Jay Leno

”President Bush was on 'Meet the Press' Sunday. A lot of his White House staffers thought it was a bad idea. Hey, better than him going on 'Jeopardy.' ... He didn't seem very well prepared. Actually, there's a reason he didn't seem very prepared. See, Bush thought he was just going to meet the press. He didn't think there were going to be questions. There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President
Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, 'No no no, we have Earthlink.'” - Leno (it’s the Earthlink bit that killed me)

”John Kerry said we should elect the man with the most combat experience to president. Should we
elect Liza's husband? Is that what he's saying? By the way, President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, these guys may have fought in Vietnam, but I created one. And also, to refute his critics, the White House released President Bush's military records from '67, '66, '65, and '64. ... I'm sorry, that's his report card from Yale.” - Craig Kilborn

TOP TEN CHANGES CBS IS MAKING TO THE GRAMMYS
10. "Best Country Album" award determined by good old fashioned leg wrasslin.
9. Only live performance of the evening: A Howard Dean crazed rant.
8. New category: Song most illegally downloaded.
7. To encourage people to watch CBS, changing title to "Grammys: CSI."
6. For safety reasons, earth and wind may perform but fire is prohibited.
5. Bjork will be even bjorkier!
4. To draw fans of the Latin Grammys, all participants will wear sombreros.
3. Opening number: A musical tribute to the FCC.
2. Only Jackson permitted at the ceremony is Marlon, who is working backstage as a grip.
1. If your acceptance speech is over 30 seconds, Puffy starts shooting

DVD of the Week The Order (click to read my review).

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger (The StatBoy of TeamBurgan) and his tag team partnerThe Great Hisa, Dynamite Dave Jansen, Ken “Lightning” Langston, Roaring Richard Manfredi, Robert The Ringmaster DeCaro, ”Shoulders” Keith Lipinski, Terry ‘Don’t hate me because my last name is’ McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, LOUNGE Interview Guy Scott Paris, and the greatest man on Earth or any other planet, except maybe Mars, Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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