By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
February 5, 2004
Taped sometime before today in LeBron Country
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Lounge Janitor

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first. You can access that by hitting the back button on your screen and clicking the clearly labeled link for hour one. This is not necessary, of course, if you have already read that hour.

In a nutshell: Thuganomics! And, if you missed seeing Chavo Sr. wrestle during his heyday, here is your chance to see him for possibly the very last time!

***We are taken back to last Monday night’s Raw, where Kane is taking on Goldberg. All of a sudden, like a burst from the heavens, a flash of lightning hits the ring, and then that spectacular video montage airs. I honestly can’t get enough of seeing that one. Kane is all what the hell is going on here?!, and this allows Goldberg to hit the spear. However, soon smoke fills the ring. Like a true champion, Goldberg heads for higher ground. (Could they have possibly booked him any worse over the course of the last year?!) Meanwhile, Kane is surrounded by smoke and has that understandably mystified look on his face.

Clips of Raw?! Does the brand split mean anything?!

***Clips of last Thursday’s Smackdown, where Nidia revealed that she regained her eyesight, and turned against Jamie Noble, causing him to lose his match against Rey Mysterio. Moving down the ladder, Noble’s opponent this week isn’t quite of the same magnitude.

(3) Billy Kidman defeated Jamie Noble. The finish came when Kidman hit the BK Burger King Bat Cave Billy Kidman Bomb on Noble for the victory.

Heat Index: In the middle of the match, Nidia came to the ring with Noble’s wallet. She started throwing out dolla dolla bills to the crowd (hey!, they remembered the inheritance angle!). This distracted Noble long enough for Kidman to hit his finisher and obtain the victory.

JOB Failure: This match was the very definition of “blah.” While this match was relatively short, there was no limit to the amount of lifelessness felt by the crowd and viewing audience. Neither guy seemed to click, and the match just sort of meandered until Nidia hit ringside.

Kayfabe Factor: Billy Kidman is a very talented wrestler. That much cannot be disputed. However, he simply does not have “it,” and no amount of added muscle mass (ahem) can deny that fact.

***Jamie Noble is backstage complaining to Paul Heyman about what just happened. He bought her a $5,000 mink coat, and that’s how she repays him?! He wants Nidia one-on-one in the squared circle. Heyman doesn’t have to think about that for too long, as he immediately grants Noble his wish. At the PPV, in what would be a main event anywhere in the country, Noble is going to take on Nidia in a singles match. I can’t hardly wait~!

***Did you realize that the WWE Originals CD is in stores now? Well it is! So, buy it already! What, my words, Michael Cole’s words, and Tazz’s words combined aren’t enough for you?! Okay then. Well, just in case anyone had even a shred of doubt as to whether purchasing that CD was a good idea or not, they show the music video for Rey Mysterio’s song “Crossing Borders.” I might not be the first one to say it, but I emphatically feel it is necessary to point out the following: Mysterio should stick to wrestling. No, strike that. Wrestlers, in general, should stick to wrestling.

You know, I don’t know who the bigger moron is. Is it Johnny Ace, or how about the guy that thought it would be a good idea in the first place to put that CD together? Well, I know you can’t really answer that. I mean, for all we know, it might very well have been Johnny Ace himself that came up with the idea.

***This past Monday on Raw, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin is talking to Bill Goldberg backstage. He reminds Bill that the main event for Smackdown’s No Way Out PPV in a couple weeks is Eddie Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar. Austin got a front row ticket from a buddy of his, but something came up and he can’t go. So, he’s offering the ticket to Goldberg, so he can watch Brock Lesnar from up close and personal. He wants Goldberg to have a good time and enjoy himself, but warns that he shouldn’t do anything that he (Austin) wouldn’t do. Good segment, but it happened on Raw, so. . .

***Rue DeBona hosts another installment of her gossip segment. It’s official! Sable and Torrie Wilson will be the WWE divas gracing the cover of Playboy magazine. Torrie thinks it’s real sexy to have two women together in a photo shoot, because “you’re not quite sure if it’s naughty or not.” She admits that it’s pretty much every male’s fantasy. Sable says they’re having a lot of fun shooting. Various clips of their photo shoot, and words cannot properly convey the emotions involved with this topic. It’s a good thing, I assure you. Next week, there will be an exclusive interview with Torrie and Sable regarding their photo shoot.

Is it a technical glitch that her named was spelled “RUe” in the graphic? Or is that how she really spells it? Only the shadow knows. . .

(4) Rey Mysterio defeated Chavo Guerrero Sr. (with Chavo Guerrero). The finish came when Mysterio got the victory on Father Time with a 6-1-9.

Heat Index: Chavo was so great at ringside with his facial expressions, and his attempts to get involved and swing things back in his father’s favor. After the match, Chavo immediately attacked Rey Rey from behind and started pounding away on him. Chavo and Chavo Sr. celebrated afterward, and they played Chavo’s non-lying, cheating and stealing music to not much fanfare.

JOB Failure: This match was what you would expect from a match involving Chavo Guerrero Sr. I mean, no matter how great a worker Mysterio admittedly is, he’s not a miracle worker and this was by no means an A Train, 6-star quality match up.

Kayfabe Factor: I’m not going to complain about the ridiculousness and unnecessary nature of this match. Indeed, it was not good. And, indeed, it was slow and plodding, while also being very short. That said, it served its purpose to advance the feud between Chavo and Rey, and the attack afterward made perfect logical sense. A decent angle of a match.

The WrestleMania Recall segment this week was from WrestleMania 3, where Hulk Hogan bodyslammed and pinned Andre the Giant to defend the WWF Title.

***Dawn Marie is backstage with Paul Heyman. She asks Heyman if he’s decided who the number one contender is going to be. Heyman implores Dawn to not have a costume malfunction (another Janet Jackson reference) and not to mess up his hair. (Hilarious.) He’s going to go to the ring to make the announcement after the next match, which is, uh, next~!

(5) Kurt Angle defeated Hardcore Holly. The finish came when Kurt made Holly tap out to the ankle lock for the victory.

Heat Index: This was probably the best match of the night, in that it featured two competent veteran workers (admittedly Angle is slightly better than Holly in the workrate department) in a match that was given plenty of time to develop into something. It was exactly the right kind of match that should be featured on Smackdown every week. That is, a big enough deal so that people tune in to see it, but not so big that it dilutes the importance of the PPV matches.

JOB Failure: The premise of this match was that Holly was upset at Angle for eliminating him last week during the Smackdown Royal Rumble. Did anyone bother to notify Holly that Royal Rumbles are every man for himself, and that Angle wouldn’t in his right mind not eliminate him? Did anyone bother to mention to Holly that he would have done the exact same thing if he were in Angle’s position? If so, did Holly understand every syllable? Oh well, at least they’re making an attempt to explain the matches, instead of just throwing them out there without any backstory. Those matches are for Velocity.

Kayfabe Factor: Angle came up at one point in the match with a bloody mouth (either bloody lip or he lost a tooth or something of that nature). Did Holly potato him?! If so, someone really needs to explain to Holly that there’s a big difference between Working Stiff and being just too brutal. In other words, you’re not supposed to really kill your opponent.

***Paul Heyman immediately hits the ring to make his big announcement. Holly pulls a David Copperfield and disappears. He knew as well as we did that he wasn’t going to get the title shot. Heyman teases that he’s going to give it to Angle, but suddenly (well, as sudden as a 500 pound man can be) Big Show hits the ring. Show figures that the reason Angle is in the ring is so that he can congratulate him (Show) on being the number one contender for the WrestleMania title shot. Show says there’s no one better to put in the spot where people pay their hard earned money to see. Angle’s facial expression here was perfect. Angle says that he, above anyone else, deserves the title shot more than Show. He challenges Show to any athletic contest of his choosing to determine who the rightful number one contender should be. Then, proving that me and Angle think exactly alike, Angle immediately qualifies to Big Show that a pie eating contest is not a legitimate athletic contest.

Big Show: I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast.

Angle: You eat pieces of crap for breakfast?! Sicko!

Sadly, no one started a “Happy Gilmore” chant at that point. Heyman announces that at the No Way Out PPV, there’s going to be a one-on-one match between Angle and Show to determine the number one contender. This is the cue for John Cena to hit ringside, wearing an old school, new school Cleveland Cavaliers jersey (I believe it was an Austin Carr jersey; number 34 in any event). This means that it’s time for some THUGANOMICS!

Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo
It’s all messed up now
We got Big Show, tryin’ to claim MVP status
You ain’t worth nothin’, but it’s okay-you’re definitely the fattest
Ah, chill, chill
You’re thinning out man, your chin ain’t that rounded
You’re losing weight in the face, but your ass definitely found it
Angle, chill over there Kojak, you don’t need to be taking trash
He plays the skin flute so much, he’s got a milk mustache
And at No Way Out, I’m going to have you throwing Olympic fits
I’ll rip off your title shot quicker than Janet Jackson’s t---

WORD LIFE!

Angle and Show are enraged, and they immediately request to Heyman that Cena be placed in the number one contender’s match as well, so they can get their hands on him. Heyman maintains that he won’t do it, but soon enough Cena’s back on the stick!

You see, leaving Cena out of the match is completely insane
That’s like cutting LeBron James from the All Star Game
Paul Heyman and the FCC got no brains. . .

At this point, Heyman cuts him off. He’s changed his mind. He’s decided to add Cena to the match at No Way Out, making it a three-way dance. That is, in case you need to visually see it in order for it to make sense (I’m one of those people myself), it’s going to be John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Big Show for the number one contender’s spot at WrestleMania. Also at No Way Out will be Eddie Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title. Much excitement and joy abounds.

Answers to Trivia Time: It's time to tally up the electoral votes and see how we did this week. Read along silently as I read them aloud:

1. As you probably know by now, the answer is b) Hardcore Holly. The buzzcut blonde who looks like a blown-up Chris Candido won the match by beating the living hell out of Skunk Head. The loser who had to vacate the Hardcore title due to injury? Some mid-carder named Road Dogg. Some hardcore champion he was.

2. In what amounted to a pretty nondescript match, the answer was c) Booker T vs. Matt Hardy V1. Most likely, WWE will look at the ratings for this match and assume we want more Heidenreich vs. Richards. Well, WWE, what the hell do you expect when you pull this during the Super Bowl with no advertising, no advance billing and no clue?

3. The correct choice is d) Vince McMahon Sr. Lawler sent in photos on a regular basis to get in the magazines, and the one time they take him up on the offer, it gets him into deep trouble. The midget, by the way, was Lawler himself. It was just the angle of the pics that made him look teeny. Terry Funk was also at the meeting and started this mess by asking "who...the little bastard" that did this was.

4. As much as you're dying to say the Hoosier State, he said it was a) India. To paraphrase Mr. Storm's thoughts, people would just hike their skirts and take a big dump in the streets like it was normal. Then again, he's probably never been to Cedar Lake or Earl Park.

5. Belie'e 'dat, sucka! Nash was stabbed in a stunt gone wrong, but he's alright. He's claiming a sore lumbago, soft tissue damage and a bad knee and will sit out another 2 years before reshooting the scene. At least they didn't have him shoot from a wrestling ring, God knows what kind of fall he'd take.

Express v2.2 Associate Producer credits for this week include “The Supreme” Seth Berger, Derek Burgan himself, Celian Varini, Mike “Murderer’s” Roe, Rusty Brooks’ #1 Fan, Jsin, and everyone else that continues to support and encourage me. It is greatly appreciated. Dusty encourages you to read anything on the Torch website written by Sean Radican, Jeremy Maes, Jon Koeller, David Miller and Michael KopStick.

***Dusty Giebink reviews Velocity regularly for PWTorch.com and now also does the Smackdown Express every other week in a tag team effort with Derek Burgan. He does his for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things. No example necessary, just coherent things. He can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com if you have something to say.

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