By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Smackdown review
January 29, 2004
Taped 1/27/03 in Washington, D.C.
Aired on UPN
Report by Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

Will Smackdown achieve the standard this week?

This week’s Smackdown will feature the aftermath of the Royal Rumble. As you know, Chris Benoit, typically a Smackdown superstar, reigned supreme during the Rumble, entering the ring at number one and lasting all the way to the end, tossing out the nefarious Big Show to get the duke. However, on this past Monday’s Raw, Benoit showed up there to challenge Triple H for a Raw title match at WrestleMania. What does this mean for Smackdown? Will Paul Heyman get fired as General Manager for general ineptitude in letting one of his charges escape to the other brand? (This is the second time it’s happened recently, with Matt Hardy being the other.) Will a Raw brand superstar make the jump to Smackdown to even the odds? Only time will tell!

Michael “Soul Patch” Cole and Tazz at ringside~!

Show opens with Paul Heyman in the ring, ready to lay one of those overly wordy, Gettysburg Address style speeches on us, no doubt. We unfortunately are not able to witness this, however, as Vince McMahon walks to the ring, in such a manner that you would think the entire WCW videotape library has been unmercifully shoved up his backside, to rain on Heyman’s parade. Vince wonders if Chris Benoit will be there this evening, then remembers that Benoit was welcomed with open arms into the Raw brand. If his eyes didn’t deceive him, which they didn’t, Benoit then challenged Triple H for the title at WrestleMania. He blames Heyman for this transgression, seeing that he made Benoit’s life a living hell these past few weeks and months. Vince wants Heyman to apologize to the Smackdown audience, and he’s sure that Heyman has at least something to say for himself.

Heyman says “Screw Chris Benoit.” Heyman plays politician here, quite ably I might add, conjuring up the images of Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart, saying that when those guys left Vince’s company, he didn’t cry about and apologize. He said “Screw [Fill in the Blank]” and moved on with business. Heyman brings up the Montreal double cross in mentioning Bret Hart, which has to be the zillionth (approximately) time that has been mentioned on WWE TV since it happened. In any event, Heyman’s plan to move along, post-Chris Benoit, is to have a Smackdown brand Royal Rumble, featuring 15 Smackdown superstars in a traditional Royal Rumble-style match. The winner will get a shot at Brock Lesnar’s title at the February No Way Out PPV. Heyman reads off the list of competitors in the match, which I will transcribe for you because I always like going the extra mile for my loyal readers: Hardcore Holly, Eddie Guerrero, John Cena, The Cat(~!~!), A Train, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Kurt Angle, Nunzio(~!), Bradshaw, Rhyno, Billy Gunn, Rikishi, Tajiri and Big Show. Heyman says Vince has every right to say, “Screw Paul Heyman” and kick him to the curb, or else they can work together and make history in offering the first ever network television Royal Rumble. Heyman is so great in this role, it would be a shame for him to be replaced. Vince goes along with the plan, and Heyman escapes, job intact.

(1) The Bashams (with Shaniqua) defeated Paul London & Billy Kidman to retain the Tag Team Titles. That’s right baby, the titles are on the line! And, the makeshift team of London and Kidman is rekindling fond memories of similar teams, featured every week on the real A-show, Velocity. Cole helpfully points out that this is the first time London and Kidman have ever teamed together. So, why are they getting a tag team title shot? London bounces off the ropes, but Danny pulls the ropes down and London goes spilling to the outside. Then, the Bashams do the switch dealie behind the ref’s back. Cole reaches two on the five-scale fit meter, but Tazz calms him down. Tazz predicts Big Show will win the Rumble. Cross him off your list. Cole likes Kurt Angle to win it. Yep, him too. Why don’t the announcers ever pick someone like The Cat to win? Don’t answer that.

Kidman gets the “hot” tag and he’s on 12 different kinds of fire. He hits a big time enziguiri on Doug, but Danny runs in to make the distraction. Kidman fends him off and attempts a shooting star press on Doug. Danny switches in while Shaniqua distracts the ref. Danny hits a top rope DDT to obtain the victory for his team. So, the ref’s can’t tell these guys apart after months of opportunities to see the two of them and notice their differences? Gotcha.

Grade: 3 (Reached the standard.) A very good match, albeit a bit too short. On the Velocity curve, however, which is how this match should be graded, it reaches the standard easily. If you ignore the fact that Kidman and London didn’t deserve the title shot, which can be done because it was only a Smackdown show between PPVs, and not a PPV itself, or a show meant to hardsell the PPV, this was okay. Kidman is a phenomenal wrestler that just doesn’t seem to have “it.” I did like him when was the itchy Flock member, and when he was making Al Wilson impersonations, though.

Dawn Marie is backstage, looking so fine. She’s operating the stick on one of those lottery tumblers. Inside, of course, are the 15 numbers for the Rumble entrants. Kurt Angle himself is gearing up to pick his number. He seems distressed that he has to pick his own ball, but Heyman appears on screen to clarify that everyone has to pick their own number. Angle dedicates his performance to the men and women of the armed forces again. I think that’s hilarious, the way he’s slowly turning heel like that. He doesn’t seem all that enthralled about his number, though.

Chavo Guerrero is backstage with Chavo Sr. He looks like 50 pounds of terrible in a 10 pound bag. Chavo Sr. can’t believe what Eddie did to Chavo, and wonders what’s wrong with him. Chavo says his wounds are going to heal, but the scars down deep inside left after that will be there forever. He vows revenge on Uncle Eddie. He wants everyone to know who the biggest star really is in the Guerrero Family. Mondo?

Speaking of Eddie, he is about to pick his Rumble number! He picks out a number and asks Dawn to blow on it for good luck. Nice. He’s feelin’ extremely lucky tonight, ya heard?! Rey Mysterio comes in to meet Eddie, and he has with him some boxer. No idea who, but I know I don’t like him. He had just a little patch of hair around his forehead, and if that isn’t the most ridiculous hair style I have had the misfortune of seeing with own two eyes, well, it was pretty close anyway. Eddie’s going to try his hardest to get that title shot, and Rey’s going to defend his title as well. They both win!

Later on tonight, proving that you don’t have to waste 35 bucks to get PPV matches, Rey Mysterio will defend the Cruiserweight strap against Jamie Noble. Nidia will be at ringside! Same thing, only this time it’s free! Well, at least I am willing to bet hardly anyone bought the PPV because of that match, but between that and the Smackdown Rumble redux, WWE is giving you more reasons to skip the PPVs and just watch the shows. Unless you’re like me and watch everything.

John Cena is backstage, a fixin’ to pick his Rumble number. Not before, of course, the obligatory hitting on Dawn Marie. Not complaining, just pointing it out. I would certainly do the same. Cena likes his number. Rhyno comes in to meet Cena. Rhyno points out, hilariously, that it would be a shame if someone targeted Cena’s knee tonight in the Rumble. I love Captain Obvious heels. Cena says that Rhyno smells, and Paul needs to get him some soap. Heyman finds no humor in that comment. Rhyno calls Dawn “toots.”

(2) Rey Mysterio defeated Jamie Noble (with Nidia) to retain the Cruiserweight Title. Two title matches in one show? And, both of them in a row?! This must be my birthday! (It’s not.) Next thing you know, Brock Lesnar will be defending his title on Smackdown. But that could never happen, could it? Don’t answer that. Wait a minute. The referee for this match is “Little Nature Boy” Charles Robinson. Wasn’t he a Raw ref? Does the brand split mean nothing to Vince?! They do a bunch of flippy dos~!, and Mysterio hits a headscissors. Noble locks on a reverse Torture Rack-style backbreaker. Mysterio sets up the 6-1-9, but Noble blocks it with a back elbow. He goes to bounce off the ropes, but Nidia grabs his leg. This distraction allows for Mysterio to get back on offense. Noble actually goes for the pin off a backbreaker. Huh?

Noble locks on a rather unique looking submission hold on Mysterio. Imagine having to explain that one to a non-wrestling fan. “No, they’re not gay, it’s just. . .” Noble uses the ringpost to lock on a bow-and-arrow style maneuver. Noble hits a superplex off the top, but he’s too hurt to immediately make the cover. So, if Nidia is blind, why is she looking right at the action in the ring? Don’t answer that. Mysterio barely kicks out of the eventual pin attempt. Mysterio hits a bulldog off the second rope for a two count. Mysterio hits, I guess, a corkscrew powerbomb. “Wicked impressive,” as Tazz called it. It gets two. Mysterio finally hits the 6-1-9. Noble sells it like a million bucks. Noble counters something and Mysterio goes flying to the outside. Noble’s going for a move off the top rope, but Nidia gets in his way. He tosses her into the ring and starts yelling at her. He lunges after her, but she ducks, allowing Mysterio to hit a springboard senton for the victory.

While Tazz wonders if Nidia has ESP or ESPN, Nidia takes off the blind gimmick to reveal that she could actually see after all along. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that Velocity color commentator Bill DeMott CALLED IT. Makes you want to watch Velocity more now, doesn’t it? Tazz and Cole wonder how long she has had her vision back.

Grade: 4 (Above the standard.) A wonderful match for Smackdown. Mysterio and Noble are great workers and they put on one hell of a match, complete with the flippy dos that the Internet crowd likes, enough psychology to engage the crowd, and plenty of action. The match, plus the culmination of the Blind Nidia angle, was enough to make this must see Smackdown TV.

Rue DeBona was in a studio or something, hosting a gossip segment. You know her, of course, as Josh Matthews co-host on the C-show for the Smackdown brand. Playboy magazine will play host to two of WWE’s amazing divas. Rue runs down the list of past Playmates, including Sable, Chyna (why?), and Torrie Wilson. Rue wonders if there will be a first female tag team to grace the cover of the magazine. This was too short to be useless, but too useless to be good.

It’s Big Show’s turn to pick a number. He’s hand is a hurting, and Heyman allows for Dawn Marie to pick Show’s ball. Dawn marvels at the size of Show’s hands. “Chicks dig it big,” Show explains. Show promises Heyman he will win the Royal Rumble, and then take Lesnar’s title.

JOSH MATTHEWS~! is backstage, interviewing Brock Lesnar himself. Matthews remembers the Royal Rumble antics of Lesnar, attacking Goldberg and causing him to be eliminated from the Rumble. Goldberg this past Monday on Raw says Lesnar is next. Lesnar’s facial expression to that was so great. Lesnar points out that when he first exploded on the area, everyone thought he was a Goldberg wannabe. But now, he’s the fightingest champion in WWE history. Now, Goldberg is a Lesnar wannabe. Lesnar is going to come down to the ring tonight, and the fans should feel darn lucky about that. He’s going to the ring and opening a challenge to anyone on Smackdown in a non-title match. Fans chant “Goldberg” and Lesnar acts paranoid.

Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas are backstage, picking their numbers. Benjamin tries to cop a feel, but Haas stops him cold. “You ruin all the fun.” Meanwhile, a girl of the female gender who I believe to be Jessie from Tough Enough comes barging in on Heyman, yelling about Eddie Guerrero being laid out. Sure, enough, not more than a few steps away (for easy convenience), there lays Guerrero. Chavo and Chavo Sr. arrive on the scene, wondering what’s going on there. Chavo denies any wrongdoing, and Rey Rey goes after both of them. I would have loved to have seen Eddie pop up to watch their fight, then not get back down in time for when the camera comes back on him. In any event, all anyone knows is that Eddie’s hurt. Will he be able to recover in time for the Rumble match? Only the shadow knows!

During the break, Eddie was loaded onto an ambulance and hauled off to the local “medical facility.” They still have no idea what exactly happened, but rest assured, it did happen. To Eddie. And now he’s hurt. Might not make the Rumble. Won’t get the title shot. Against Brock Lesnar. Speaking of which. . .

(3) Brock Lesnar defeated Orlando Jordan in a non-title match. Who’s gonna be left for Velocity? Jordan runs into the ring, but Lesnar puts the boots to him immediately. Jordan goes spilling to the outside about thirty seconds in. Lesnar turns his head, and Jordan dropkicks Lesnar to the outside. Tazz points out that it wasn’t very sporting of Jordan to hit his opponent from behind. Agreed. Jordan gets some hope offense, including a couple two counts. Dusty Wolfe once got a two count on Ric Flair, I should note. Lesnar catches Jordan charging and hits a powerslam. Lesnar locks on a grapevine/arm trap/leg trap, according to Tazz. Jordan fights his way out of the submission hold and hits some kicks. Jordan hits the flying forearm, shades of Tito Santana! He gets a two-and-a-half count, according to Cole. Brock puts an end to this madness by locking on the Brock Lock for the submission.

Grade: 2 (Nearing the standard.) This was a solid match that just didn’t seem to click. Jordan needs some more time before he’s ready for a big push, but he’s getting better. This was good for what it was.

Clips air of various WWE superstars visiting injured soldiers at the Walter Reed Medical Center. Superstars included Rey Mysterio, Dawn Marie, Shaniqua and Matt Morgan. Morgan’s injured now, by the way, so he likely won’t be on Velocity either. I like stuff like this.

Bonus: 1. Whole lotta Dawn Marie on this show. That ain’t nothing but a good thing.

Clips air of the Undertaker/Kane angle from the Royal Rumble and Raw the next night. This includes that unbelievable Taker video thing that aired that really blew my mind. Seriously, that was one of the coolest non-wrestling things I’ve seen on a wrestling show in a long, long while. Too bad it’s for the Undertaker.

JOSH MATTHEWS~! is backstage with Vince McMahon. Vin Man doesn’t want to talk about the Undertaker. He wants to talk about how Undertaker was buried alive at Survivor Series by him. He wants to talk about who he thinks is going to win the Rumble tonight. But now, he’s not going to tell him. He does, however, think Matthews has a nice smile. So do I. Lord knows, so do I.

Paul Heyman is in his office with Dawn Marie. Naturally. Kurt Angle storms in and he’s upset that someone attacked Eddie, and Eddie probably won’t be able to get that title shot. Kurt knows exactly what Heyman is thinking: He’s going to put Chavo in Eddie’s place. Hilarious, slow heel turn stuff. Heyman denies this, saying that Eddie just regained consciousness in the hospital, and if he’s able to make it to the ring, then he’ll be in it as planned. If he’s not, no one is going to take his place.

In the ring is Tony Chimmel!, and he’s running down the rules of the Rumble. A helpful graphic eases the pain along with the soulful voice of Chimmel.

(4) Eddie Guerrero wins the Smackdown Royal Rumble to get a shot at Lesnar’s title at the No Way Out PPV. I’m going to do entrants in bold, and eliminations in italics, I think. Hey, I got the keys to this review, I’m going to do what I think is best. #1 Kurt Angle and #2 Rhyno start things off. Rhyno hits a non-Al Gore on Angle, and goes to toss him over. Angle does a good job of avoiding defeat, and hits an Angle Slam as #3 Charlie Haas makes his way to the ring. Haas hits a big time dropkick and mocks Angle’s mannerisms. Rhyno catches him from behind, and attempts to toss him out. Angle narrowly escapes elimination at the hands of Haas, and out comes #4 Shelton Benjamin. Benjamin hits a big time suplex on Angle, and Cole helpfully points out that it’s every man for himself in the Rumble. Haas and Benjamin hit the old school Beverly Brothers maneuver on Rhyno. #5 Bradshaw makes his way to the ring, and the ring is starting to fill up with some big time players now that Bradshaw’s in there. Not really, but I’m just trying to keep myself awake. Bradshaw hits a big boot on Benjamin as they cut to commercial.

Back from break, and #6 THE CAT~!~!~! had already entered the ring, and #7 Tajiri was making his way down. Turns out (1) The Cat had already been eliminated. He came out guns loaded, and did his dancing routine, laying out everyone with clotheslines and elbows while simultaneously doing his sweet, sweet moves. Angle, not impressed, came up from behind and tossed Cat out. Beautiful. Time for #8 Billy Gunn. He hits the Fameasser on Bradshaw right away. Gunn tosses Benjamin and then Haas over the top rope, but they both manage to hang on and keep themselves in the match. Tajiri hits a handspring elbow on Haas. Angle locks the ankle lock on Benjamin. Out comes #9 Big Show. All the guys in the ring stare nervously at Show as he makes his way to the ring. They all seem willing to work together to get Show out, and in fact, go on the attack right away. Show powers his way out of it and goes to work on all of them. Show catches (2) Tajiri attempting a kick, and tosses him out. (3) Bradshaw dives at Show, but Show ducks and Bradshaw goes sailing over the top and to the floor. #10 John Cena comes out next, to a huge pop. Show is anxiously awaiting his arrival in the ring. Cena gets the upper hand, and he’s trying to knock Show over the top. Show catches himself on the apron as the show goes to commercial.

Back from break, Show is working on Cena’s knee. During the break, #11 Nunzio and #12 A Train joined the match. Evidently, (4) Rhyno was eliminated somewhere in here. Also, (5) Nunzio was quickly eliminated by Cena. Cena seemed to hurt his knee on the toss out, which is grounds for Show working on it in present time. It’s time for #13 Eddie Guerrero to join the action. He limps his way to the ring, and tosses out (6) A Train. Show and Guerrero are going at it when #14 Rikishi backs it on up to ringside. Keesh hits a big time savate kick on Gunn, and then one on Big Show. Angle gets clotheslined for his trouble, and Rikishi, uh, hits a stinkface on Show. And then a stinkface on Benjamin. Haas hilariously wipes Benjamin’s face after that. Gunn gets a stinkface as well. It’s time for #15 Hardcore Holly to come to the ring. Number 15 never wins. Show eliminates (7) John Cena. Everyone starts crowding over to Big Show, trying to get him out. Cena helps and (8) Big Show gets tossed out. Benjamin saves himself from elimination at the hands of Rikishi. Guerrero eliminates (9) Charlie Haas, making a good showing for himself. Angle dumps out (10) Shelton Benjmain. Angle hits an Angle Slam on Rikishi, then Eddie hits a frog splash on the big guy. Angle dumps out (11) Hardcore Holly. Holly is upset about this, even slapping at Angle. Fans chant the Goodbye Song at Holly, which was funny.

Down to the Final Four: Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, Billy Gunn and Rikishi. Guerrero manages to reverse the tide, and toss out (12) Billy Gunn, who was previously trying to eliminate him. Angle and Guerrero form a sort of team to try to get Rikishi out, but the big guy is too, well, big for them. Keesh climbs up to the second rope for the Rump Shaker, but Angle gets out of the way. Fans loudly chant “Eddie.” Eddie attempts to toss Rikishi out, but Keesh hits an elbow to get out of it. Then Angle gets more of the same. However, as a team, Angle and Guerrero are able to eliminate (13) Rikishi. Down to Eddie Guerrero and Kurt Angle. Tazz goes with Angle, giving away the ending. Eddie catches a charging Angle and nearly tosses him out. Angle hits some rolling Germans, but Eddie fights his way out and catches himself on the apron in an elimination attempt. Eddie, still on the apron, locks on an ankle lock on Angle. Angle reverses it and applies an ankle lock of his own. Eddie nearly gets eliminated again here, with his feet nearly touching the floor, but he manages to hang onto the ropes and pull himself back up. Risky move, in the event that Eddie wouldn’t be able to catch himself. Eddie hits some rolling verticals on Angle.

Eddie goes for a frog splash, but Angle was pulling a Bret Hart, playing possum. He popped right up and attempted to hit something off the top on Eddie. Eddie gets out of it, and they both crotch themselves and nearly fall to the arena floor. Angle locks on a sleeper hold. Eddie’s great here, yelling in agony. Eddie gets out of it, nearly eliminating Angle in the process. That was seriously really fast, and Angle is an amazing athlete to be able to catch the ropes and hang on like that. Eddie starts punching away at Angle, who was again playing possum on the apron. Angle attempts to suplex Eddie over the top, but Eddie counters and hits a suplex of his own. Only this suplex is down to the outside, which eliminates (14) Kurt Angle. Angle is very upset, kicking at the 7,502 pound steel ring steps. He slowly, angrily makes his way to the back, as Eddie celebrates in the ring. Eddie thanks God as the show fades to black.

Grade: 4 (Above the standard.) This match took “the standard” to a new level. What a phenomenal match, with a great story contained therein. Royal Rumbles are usually always great matches, and combine that with the fact that it was on free TV on Smackdown, which bumps it up a notch in my mind, and the fact that Eddie was in the courageous babyface role, having to battle back from the earlier heinous attack to win the Rumble and get the title shot. This was as close to perfect as a Smackdown match is going to get. Thumbs way up.

Giebink’s Reaction:: This was a tremendous show, definitely deserving of the A-grade. The worst match of the night was Lesnar vs. Jordan, but even that was okay for what it was. The Mysterio vs. Noble match, and storyline that went along with it was great. The Rumble match was even better. Combine this with the Rumble number drawings, which made the match seem like an even bigger deal than it already was and contained several appearances by Dawn Marie, which is always a good thing, made it even better. You’re not going to get too many Smackdowns better than this one, folks. Two thumbs up!

Dusty Giebink can be contacted at at dustygiebink@yahoo.com, and WisconsinDream on the VIP Forum, if you have something to say. He encourages you to look out for the debut of Sean Radican’s Lounge column, Working Stiff, coming soon to a computer screen near you. Furthermore, he encourages you to read anything by Mike Sempervive, Jeremy Maes, Steve France, David Miller, and his personal physician, Dr. Keith Lipinski.

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