By Derek Burgan, Torch Freestyle Champion

WWE Smackdown review
January 29, 2004
Taped sometime before today in Pat McNeill country (no, not TGIFridays)
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: A SmackDown only Royal Rumble! And you won’t believe who won!

(4) Brock Lesnar beat Orlando Jordan in a Non Title Match. The finish came when Brock put the unbelievable looking Brock Look on poor Jordan.

Heat Index: Hey, the Brock Lock IS cool, you gotta give em that.

JOB Failure: I’m at a loss for words by how much time Jordan gets, and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, while Spanky got crap and London gets shit. Orlando Jordan, the way he is currently booked, WILL NEVER GET OVER. He is a loser in the fans eyes. Jesus, is this that hard to understand for people “in the biz”?

Kayfabe Factor: Aight, this match sucked, so let’s do something cool. Check out This Site and put in the address for the Torch or gumgod. Goofy stuff that is worth a laugh. If you have a company site, throw that in as well.

***Clips of WWE supestars® going to visit injured soldiers. Included were Dawn Marie, Rey Mysterio, That THING They Call Shaniqua and Matt Morgan. Really good clips. Although I don’t think Rey in mask should do stuff like this but to TOP THAT the WWE closed it with the crew standing around a bed talking to SOME GUY and Rey looked like a midget next to Dawn. Note to WWE: Never under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES have Rey Rey stand next to Dawn Marie on an even floor EVER AGAIN.

***Recap of all the weird Taker stuff that happened at the Rumble and that cool little movie that was like “The Ring” from RAW.

***Gay Josh is now interviewing Vince McMahon, but Vinnie Mac won’t talk about the Undertaker. Vince closes the interview by saying Josh has a great smile and Josh then did this goofy smile that somehow made him look 32% more gay. I didn’t think it was possible.

I can not believe I just saw What I Think I Just Saw. Forget about cops jerking off. Can you tell my why ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GET OFF ON THIS? I was flabbergasted. I considered myself a foremost expert in the field of internet porn, but this threw me for a loop.

***Kurt Angle confronted Paul Heyman and wanted to know what was happening with Eddie’s spot. Heyman said the hospital called and Eddie regained consciousness. If Eddie could make it, he’d be in the Rumble, if he couldn’t, then his spot was gone. Good stuff here for when it’s revealed Angle is the one who jumped Eddie.

(5) Eddie Gurerro won the SmackDown Royal Rumble. The finish came when Eddie suplexed (!) Angle to the floor after a great match.

Heat Index: I was surprised as this was really entertaining. I wonder if it would have been really cool if pulled out in like June instead of one week after the real thing? Eddie and Angle stole the show here once they were left alone at the end. They had some HOLY SHIT moments where I can’t believe they made it look so close that they were going to hit the ground. Why tempt fate that much? At one point Eddie was hanging from the bottom rope and his knees were like a couple inches from the floor. INSANE.

JOB Failure: Did we REALLY need to see The Cat in this? Couldn’t he have been taken out by someone or some creative decision made to squeeze someone else in? Say Sean O’Haire? GIVE ME THE DAMN BOOK!

Kayfabe Factor: A stinkface on Big Show? I didn’t expect to see that. And I shouldn’t have as it means the Giant Monster push that was really cool at the Rumble is already done. You don’t put Giant Monster’s heads up people’s asses. I like how this match started at 9:15 and was given plenty of time. It felt like a real main event and is one of those cool things I think SmackDown does much better than RAW on a consistent basis. And ya gotta like Eddie winning after getting rid of that clown Billy Gunn and tossing out A-Train right after getting into the ring? ARRIBA~!

***A weekly look at the events that transpired and their effects on the enjoyment for the everyday fan. Remember, 0 is as bad as wrestling can get (imagine if all PPV’s were of Heroes of Wrestling quality) and 100 is pure wrestling nirvana.

1Wrestling’s staff exodus to PWInsider.comThis is actually pretty big news in the IWC. 1Wrestling.com was one of the first sites I stumbled upon when I first was surfing the web and became a reader of Scherer’s Daily Lariat. Dave in fact printed the first comic strip of mine based on wrestling. That’s right, Cheap Pops! years ahead it’s time. Actually it sucked because I didn’t have a scanner back then and didn’t know jack about computers. So it became a one week experiment that gnawed at me until gumgod started. So Scherer starting me on Cheap Pops! is probably a minus 10 for Mojo Mitchell, but it gets a +3 for the rest of us.

Eddie Gurerro on next PPV Poster: I’m not going to count my chickens before they hatch, but it’s a good sign with the WWE giving some good pub to Latino Heat. They really need to push him and Rey Rey to the MOON. +2

Chris Benoit going to RAW: Hurricane. Gone. Matt Hardy. Gone. Chris Benoit. Gone. Get ready Guttman, you know Shannon AllThatAnd Moore is coming soon! (Editor’s Note: God I hope so.)” -4

TNA is becoming more un-watchable by the week: This show sucks and if the money Fairplay is getting is what I think it is, AJ should have given him a Styles Clash right on his head. This weeks show set new standards for absurdity and had the worst main event maybe in the history of PPV and that includes the Heroes of Wrestling. Don Callis versus Erik Watts? AND I PAID FOR IT? -8

Last Week’s Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 71
This weeks change: -7
Current Wrestling Enjoyment Index: 64

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”Don’t Talk to the Internet“ - sign in crowd

”Unless my eyes deceived me, I clearly saw Chris Benoit being welcomed to RAW by Stone Cold Steve Austin.“ - Vince McMahon

”Screw Chris Benoit!“ - Paul Heyman

”When Nash and Hall left your company when you needed them the most, did you cry over it?“ - Heyman, to Vince McMahon

”You said ‘Screw Bret Hart’, and then you screwed him, didn’t you?“ - Heyman

”Yes, I did.“ - Vince, in response.

”Let it go Cole, it’s over.“ - Tazz, after Shoelace kept harping on a “no tag” by the Bashams

”Do me a favor and blow on my ball for good luck.“ - Latino Heat, to Dawn Marie

”You fine enough to be Lady Luck. Why don’t you reach down there and grab my ball.“ - Cena, to Dawn Marie

”In my office Dawn Marie doesn’t reach for anyone’s balls.“ - Heyman

”Rhyno?::sniff sniff:: You stink. Paul, get him some soap.“ - Cena, referencing the GREAT ending from SmackDown two weeks ago. That wasn’t funny - Paul Heyman. OH YES IT WAS!

”They are not friends they are amigos. That’s what those people say.“ - Tazz, referring to Rey and his boxer friend

”So you know Spanish now?“ - Cole

”I know Mexican.“ - Tazz, with the LINE OF THE NIGHT

”I’m the Lone Ranger and you’re Tonto.“ - Shoelace, to Tazz, apparently living out some weird sexual fantasy

”Referee Charles Robinson, if that is his real name, has got to get into position faster.“ - Tazz

”What does she have? ESP? ESPN?“ - Tazz, after a “blind” Nidia ducked out of Jamie Noble’s way

”That’s why you can’t trust women Cole.“ - Tazz, with the truest words ever said

”Oh my goodness! Your hands are sooooo big….“ - Dawn Marie, to Big Show

”I think Goldberg is a Brock Lesnar wannabe..“ - The Next Big Thing

”That was a ridiculous question by Josh.“ - Tazz, you don’t need to know which question because it applies to just about EVERY question Gay Josh has ever asked

”Talking to himself? He better be talking to God to see if he can get him out of this hold.“ - Tazz, referring to Orlando Jordan while being choked out by Brock

”What kind of question is that? Do I look like John Edwards? Is this Crossing Over?“ - Vince McMahon, to Gay Josh, after being asked about the Undertaker

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

”Well folks, early reports coming from New Hampshire are not encouraging. It seems Americans are so fat now, they are stuck in the voting booth. ” - Jay Leno (ain’t THAT the truth!)

” John Edwards is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is good for him.” - Jay Leno

” How many watched the Golden Globe Awards last night? Man, I haven't seen that many celebrities in one place since, I guess, rehab, probably ” – Jay Leno

”Another big surprise yesterday was 'Lost In Translation,' not the movie, but President Bush's explanation of what happened to weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. ” – Tina Fey

” They say that little outburst Dean had in Iowa may have cost him some standings in the polls and to make it worse it looks like today he may have lost his endorsement deal with Snuggle fabric softener"” – Leno

” According to a poll on Playboy.com, 46 percent of men surveyed think Al Sharpton is the most well-endowed candidate, while 24 percent feel John Edwards is. Let me tell you something right here, if you're a guy and you're on the Playboy website and all you're thinking about is how well endowed the candidates are, you're on the wrong website” - Leno, who then plugged the site they should be checking out, www.bodyslam.info

”With the vote just hours away, the latest Reuters/MSNB/Zogby/Harris/bathroom poll shows Senator John Kerry's lead over Governor Howard Dean down to three points, with a margin of error of completely wrong.” - Jon Stewart

” Rush Limbaugh is in trouble. Prosecutors say that they have enough evidence to put him away on 10 felony counts. This would be the biggest blow to the conservative movement since Anne Coulter announced she had a penis.” - Bill Mahrer

”Hershey is the place for hatred? I thought it was the place for candy and happiness?)”. - From James E. Guttman’s incredible Raw Insanity.

”A cold wave still covering parts of New England. In fact, in some parts of the East the temperature is dropping faster than Howard Dean's numbers..” – Leno, and he’s telling the truth, it’s FREEZING right now~!

”Candidate Joe Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls which is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking about him. ” - Leno

” Bill Clinton has lost so much weight on the South Beach Diet he's had to get new clothes. In fact, he said some of his pants are so big on him now they actually fit his girlfriend ” - Jay Leno (ZING~!)

”This partnership is ideal, and we couldn't be more pleased about it:” - NBC News pres. Neal Shapiro, on TheSmokingGun.com providing "material and exclusive reports" for NBC

”Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling” - OUR PRESIDENT George W. Bush

” The government is tracking down terrorists by tricking them to access into a porn web site. The best part we may have captured Bill Clinton..” - Craig Kilborn

Top Ten List: "Ways, I, Howard Dean, can turn things around."

As delivered by Howard Dean:

10. Switch to decaf.

9. Unveil new slogan, "Vote for Dean and get one dollar off your next purchase at Blimpie."

8. Marry Rachel on the final episode of "Friends."

7. Don't change a thing, it's going great.

6. Show a little more skin.

5. Go on "American Idol" and give them a taste of those pipes.

4. Start working out and speaking with an Austrian accent.

3. I can't give specifics yet, but it involves Ted Danson.

2. Fire the staffer who suggested I do this Lousy Top 10 List instead of actually campaigning.

1. Oh, I don't know -- maybe fewer, red-faced rants.

DVD of the Week WWE Backlash! (click to read my review). Actually this isn’t my review, you already read enough of my wrestling reviews with the ROH stuff, this is from the Main Man of wingedDVD himself, Ken Tuccio~!

And don’t forget to pick up on Tuesday: Lost in Translation I can’t be the only one who finds Scarlett Johansson HOT. Although I first thought in the Horse Whisperer….

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger (The Brett Farve of TeamBurgan) and his tag team partnerThe Great Hisa, Robert The Ringmaster DeCaro, ”Shoulders” Keith Lipinski, Terry ‘Don’t hate me because my last name is’ McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, LOUNGE Interview Guy Scott Paris, and the greatest man on Earth or any other planet, except maybe Mars, Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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