By Jeremy Maes, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Heat review
January 18, 2004
Taped 1/12/04 in Uniondale, NY
Report by Jeremy Maes, Torch Team Contributor

Hey everyone. I am all moved in and ready for another senses shattering experience reviewing Sunday Night HEAT. I am now comfortably situated in the new “Crippler Den” and all systems are a go! Of course this edition of HEAT is the most heavily anticipated episode in some years. Why you may ask? Well, this weeks edition actually received some advertising on the mothership known as Monday Night Raw! Can you believe it? Little ole HEAT is actually receiving more than a brush off from the creative team. Let’s see how they do. Let’s go over some HEAT!

The show begins with:

(1) Bizarro Born Thrillers (Jindrak & Cade) defeated Two Loser Super-Heroes (Rosey and Hurricane). Hurricane and Rosey fought the contest evenly until the closing moments. Hurricane went for the Shining Wizard but Mr. Garrison hit Hurricane from behind allowing Mark Jindrak to easily role up our favorite loser superhero!

Match Satisfaction: So how about the name, Bizarro Born Thrillers? I want to send out a special thanks to Keith Lipinski for the name. If you read, watch or know anything about Superman than that name is especially funny. Additionally, if they came out with their first names initial in backwards block lettering and bowl haircuts it would be even better. Oh, as for the match, well, it was what it was; a match that has four guys comprising two tag-teams who are going nowhere. Hurricane needs to go back to Smackdown and Rosey needs to be with Mark Henry as the World’s Largest Tag-Team. Suitable action all around but there is no reason to get behind any of the competitors no matter how good a performance they roll out.

Before the commercial break, or would this be the first commercial, not sure how that works, Booker T pimps his track from the WWE originals CD. I have heard and read nothing but positive reviews of the album. Seriously, I read in the WWE RAW magazine how good the music and da fat beats were. I am running out Tuesday to pick it up. Why not Monday well, I am not sure. Tuesday just sounds better.

Back from break they play the closing of the Triple H/HBK debate. Michaels grabs the microphone and gives the greatest super-kick in the history of wrestling; knocking out Coachman. I cheered and smiled even though it was a replay from Monday.

(2) Rico defeated Tommy Dreamer . You have got to be kidding me? This particular match must be #12,364 in a series of who knows how many matches between the two men. Making matters worse, Jackie was wearing a conservative outfit. No strategically placed openings on her tights and a tied half shirt. What gives? This match was also a Royal Rumble qualifying match. Yippee! At one point during the match Jackie prevented Dreamer from using his Kendo stick even though if Tommy uses it during the contest Dreamer would be disqualified and Rico would waltz in to the Royal Rumble. Finally in the closing moment of the match Rico pushed Tommy in to the ropes and Miss Jackie hit Dreamer in the back with the stick, stunning him and allowing Rico to hit his spin kick for the three count.

Match Satisfaction: Why the hell is this match on again? G-d Damn! There are plenty of other people both of these two could be fighting. Would the match be any more interesting, probably not but at least it would not be the same “athletic” contest we, all 40 viewers of HEAT, have seen time and again. There is no logical excuse for this match taking place in any form anywhere. On the positive side, the afore mentioned conservative attire did lead to one nice moment of butt cleavage a la Britney Spears in Blender magazine. There, that’s something positive.

Before break we are reminded that the official theme song of this years Royal Rumble is some awful song by Puddle of Mudd. As I like to say, Yippee!

Recap #1: Bill Goldberg returns against Matt Hardy. Hey, at least Matt Hardy was on Raw, right? I mean he could have just walked out there, gave a spirited promo and than gotten squashed by some wrestler. Oh, wait, never mind. On the positive side of things, Matt looked damn good bumping for the human clot. Oh, another positive, WWE management was impressed with Matt Hardy bumping so well and making Bill Goldberg look good. Memo to the WWE: Matt hardy makes everyone he wrestles look good.

(3)Rob Conway w Dancing Renee Dupree defeated Spike Dudley. Before the match begins we are treated to the 212th viewing of Spike Dudleys head breaking off a piece of a solid wood table. After 211 viewings it still looks sickening. Conway ended the contest with a sick looking neckbreaker. The move was set up by a Renee Dupree punch when the referee was distracted. Then Conway grabbed little Spike in a suplex attempt. Instead he bounced Spike off the top rope and on the way down performed a twisting neckbreaker. Ouch that move will not be around long due to the fact it will cause a serious injury sooner or later.

Match Satisfaction: Why the hell is this match in HEAT? The contest was nothing awful but the ageless feud between Spike” I need some sun” Dudley and Le resistance has already been forgotten. Spike plays his part well but his scrawny frame and tepid skin color make him unmarketable and unappealing. He, as well as the other Dudleys, needs to be on the heel side and terrorize the Smackdown roster. I say trade them straight up for The Bashams. It would be an equal trade, three men for three men. Sorry for the poor, unfunny humor.

Recap #2:RVD & Randy Orton Inter-Continental title match. They action picked up with Randy pushing Rob Van Dam over the top rope to the floor. What follows is exactly as we saw it on Raw. The ref is bumped; Orton plays possum but then cannot get the pin. RVD went for the frog splash but Orton countered with a second rope DDT for the pinfall victory. This recap served more as a backdrop for the impending Orton/Foley feud. Even though RVD busts his hump making his opponents look good in the ring and as well as always doing what is asked of him.

(4)Scott Steiner defeated Steven Richards. Neither man had the usual accompaniment with them at ringside. Steven though did wear an armband with the lovely Victoria’s name in black lettering. This was a total squash with Steven only getting a pin attempt in as offense. Steiner quickly followed with his fall down neckbreaker for the victory.

Test joined Steiner in the ring to gloat. When Steiner left the ring Test went back in and gave the still groggy Steven the big boot.

Match Satisfaction: I like this stuff. Adding Steiner in the mix at least makes a tad bit of sense, he is Test’s servant, er, man slave, er, partner, um, what is Steiner to Test anyway? Regardless, Steiner sitting on the sidelines for this mini-feud is a mistake so his inclusion I am happy with at this point. As for the match, well, why did Steven need to lose, especially in a squash? If he wins and it bolsters his status as “owning” both Test and Steiner and thus giving the feud a few more weeks worth of material. Steven is winning me over and I think he can become a decent mi-card babyface, especially if Victoria also goes full on babyface of course.

End Points:Well, even the increased advertising budget of $50.00 did not bring the show anything we have not seen in oh, about three weeks. This was a poor edition of the show based on the fact that the matches were almost all repeats of previous episodes and on top of that they were pretty much the same exact matches. I do apologize for the late posting of this review. My dad was over and we along with the fiancé watched the Panthers/Eagles playoff game. She is a relatively new Carolina Panthers fan and my dad and I are from Detroit where we have not had professional football in quite some time. Next week should be better but a warning now, Superbowl Sunday, the review will be posted quite late.

Jeremy Maes welcomes any comments, oversights and opinions you have to share. Drop him a line at jeremymaes@yahoo.com or if you are a VIP Member, as you should be by now, he can be reached at Jmaes through the messenger service! Also, his Lounge articles are posted sometime every Wednesday. Make sure and check it out. Until this Wednesday, have fun!

We suggest these recent related articles...

PARKS'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT 10/8: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Thursday show, including Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt & Braun Strowman

METZGER'S ROH TV REPORT 10/4 & 10/7: IWGP World champ Okada vs. Roderick Strong main event, plus Briscoes vs. Time Splitters, more from "Field of Honor," Overall Reax

MCMAHON'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 10/7: TNA Title Series kicks off, Bound for Glory fall-out, more; Overall Reax