By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
January 17, 2004
Taped 1/13/03
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

Hello everyone, Dusty Giebink back once again. After not being able to do the Velocity review last week, I got a very serious message from the Torch’s very own Confidential review guru, Steve France. Steve said that if I ever missed another Velocity review, he would fly down to Wisconsin, come to my home, and shake his finger at me. Vigorously. Not wanting that to happen in the least, here I am. And here we go! But first, I would be remiss not to mention that on Slam Ball, the show that leads into Velocity on Spike TV, the interview girl they have is rather pretty. But that’s neither here nor there.

We begin with the opening montage, and Josh Matthews and Bill DeMott welcome us to tonight’s program. Last week on Smackdown, Paul Heyman flexed his authoritative muscle in making matches that would determine entrants into the Royal Rumble. Because, it would be sin to have the lineup for the match set more than like a week in advance. In some great news, Matt Morgan will take on Orlando Jordan tonight, and the winner will be allowed into the Royal Rumble match. That’s right, a qualifier’s match, right here on Velocity~!

(1) Ultimo Dragon defeated Shannon Moore.

Match Analysis: I’m not sure this match makes much sense. Last we saw of Shannon Moore, he was the underdog babyface drawing the ire of Paul Heyman. Last we saw of Ultimo Dragon, he was getting buried on Velocity. But, he was getting buried as a babyface. So, is this a face vs. face match? Or is Shannon Moore’s subtle heel characteristics supposed to make sense in light of what we all saw recently on Smackdown? Or I am just supposed to turn off my mind and relax? Love your brain, even when it sinks down the drain. (There’s two band references for you. I’m sure some of you will get the first one.)

Oh yeah, there’s a match going on. A pretty good one, at that. I love the way Dragon is able to convey emotion, even with a mask on. In fact, he’s probably one of the better people I’ve seen doing that. Dragon hits a stiff kick to the back of the head, and then to the front, and gets a two count. Moore hits a nice side suplex, and it gets two. Then he does that thing that I hate so much, where he makes another cover right away. No shock, it only got two. Moore hits a Red Tail Snapper (snap suplex). Nice move. Dragon hits a springboard moonsault in the middle of the ring. Dragon hits some more of those nice, stiff kicks of his and then hits a spinning back kick for two. Dragon hits a huracanrana into a pinning combination, then they trade roll-ups for two counts. Moore hits a blockbuster off the second rope for two. Dragon catches Moore attempting something off the top rope with a dropkick. He then hits the Asai DDT for the victory.

Match Grade: A-. This was a very good match. This is the kind of cruiserweight action that Velocity would be known for, if it were known at all. Actually, allow me to break from the norm for a second to say that in the same vein that Spanky requested his release from WWE, and was granted it, I would not blame any of the WWE cruiserweights if they also asked for their release. Especially Dragon. Pay is probably pretty comparable, if not better, outside WWE, and their push would probably be better too. You need to look out for yourself in the wrestling business, and that might be the best thing for Dragon in particular.

(2) Matt Morgan defeated Orlando Jordan to earn himself a spot in the Royal Rumble.

Match Analysis: DeMott picks Jordan to win, giving away right away that Morgan was going to win it. Just once, I want the announcer to predict something correctly. It might give them, oh I don’t know, credibility or something. Jordan has a nice dropkick, and it was on display here tonight. Morgan does some of that big man offense, including stepping on Jordan’s head. And a headbutt. Then a big boot to the throat. Morgan hits a sidewalk slam for two. He screams in frustration over not getting the win. Morgan turns Jordan inside out and locks on a single leg Boston crab. Jordan eventually gets to the ropes. Morgan continues to work on the leg. Jordan hits a flying forearm for a two count. Shades of Tito Santana~! Jordan hits a neckbreaker, but that only gets two, uh, too. Jordan runs into a big boot by Morgan. A sit out powerbomb later, and we’ll call this a match.

Match Grade: B. A solid match. Bonus points for it being a Royal Rumble qualifier. Makes Velocity seem special to have matches like this on it, which is always a good thing. Seriously, though, because of the implications of this match, it might have deserved TV main event status. Wait until we get to what was the real main event. And then feel free to question how I maintain my sanity.

From last Thursday’s Smackdown, here is the standard Guerrero highlight spot. Huh, they move it one spot on me since I was gone. Those little rascals. The week prior, Chavo attacked Eddie and left him laying. Kurt Angle gets in the middle of things, setting up a match between Eddie and Chavo for the Royal Rumble. See, that’s Kurt’s game here. Because of the match, neither of them will be able to be in the Rumble, and thus get the title match. So, that’s one less serious threat Kurt has to contend with in the Rumble. Smooth. Eddie doesn’t want to fight his own blood, and on the brink of insanity, he says it would be like ripping a piece of himself out. What he really wants is Angle to get out of his business.

Later in the show, Chavo’s dad, Eddie’s brother, is in the ring with Eddie, apologizing for Chavo’s actions. Chavo Sr. says he didn’t raise his son to be like that, and that Chavo had made a mistake in his actions. Chavo heads to the ring, and the announcers didn’t think he was there. Chavo hits the ring, and his father helps him in attacking Eddie. See, it was all a set up to once again get at Eddie. I’m not sure I like Eddie’s selling here. In wrestling, some things hurt more than others. I think an attack by his nephew and brother, should have better laid him out because of the seriousness of the situation. But whatever. Kurt Angle hits the rings and the Chavos head for higher ground. Backstage afterward, Kurt claims he had nothing to do with what just happened. Eddie’s is steaming angry. He wants to thank Kurt because he now wants to see himself kick Chavo’s backside at the Royal Rumble too.

So, it’s going to be Eddie vs. Chavo at the Royal Rumble. Should be a great match.

Segment Grade: A. Once again, I think one of the best things on WWE TV right now has been the whole Guerrero family feud. This is good stuff, and these Velocity recaps always highlight the very best, most exciting aspects of this feud. Big thumbs up.

(3) Billy Kidman defeated Arch Kincaid.

Match Analysis: Kincaid has a dreadful dye job, but even on first impression he looks like he has a lot of charisma. Kidman hits a headscissors, but misses a dive into the turnbuckles, allowing Kincaid to hit a belly-to-back suplex for two. Kincaid: “2.5!” Anyone familiar with Kincaid, to explain 2.5 to me? Kincaid tosses Kidman into the turnbuckles with extra mustard. The announcers are again bickering about whether Nidia is actually blind or not, or whether Noble has been using the blindness to his advantage, and blah blah blah. Call the action. Kincaid likes the backbreaker, because he’s done at least twice so far. Kincaid hits a bodyslam, and ACTUALLY GOES FOR THE COVER. It gets one. Insane. Kidman hits a springboard bulldog. Kidman hits this huge suplex that turns Kincaid inside out. Kincaid hits a powerslam for two. With Kidman down, Kincaid hilariously taunts him into getting back up. Of course he immediately gets caught with a dropkick. Kidman hits a sloppy shooting star press for the victory.

Match Grade: B+. Talk about a tale of two different wrestlers. Kincaid has a bunch of charisma, but needs more experience in the ring. Kidman is a decent all around worker, with about zero charisma. This match didn’t really click, but there was nothing really offensive about it either. Solid, competitive match up.

From last Thursday’s Smackdown, Paul Heyman had different plans for John Cena if he couldn’t keep him out of the Royal Rumble match. Heyman has a match in mind: Cena vs. Rhyno. When, not if, Rhyno wins, Heyman will do what Cena’s mother wasn’t good enough to do herself: wash Cena’s mouth out with soap. If Cena wins, which he won’t, it won’t be Rhyno’s mouth that gets washed out with soap, but rather Heyman’s mouth, itself. Fans see right away where this one is going, but if it’s properly executed that’s not a bad thing at all.

Fast forward to the match itself, and there’s a table laying in the ring, propped up in the corner, ECW-style. Turns out, Rhyno cannot get counted out or disqualified, but Cena can. Makes for interesting dynamics here. Rhyno misses a non-Al Gore and goes flying into the chair. Cena punches Heyman off the ring apron, and then hits an F-U for the victory. That means Heyman has to get his mouth washed out with soap. Heyman tries to hightail it out of the arena, but Chris Benoit caught him backstage and brings him back into the ring. In order to get Heyman to live up to his end of the bargain, Benoit has Heyman in a Boston crab. Whenever Cena says “Chris” Benoit cranks up the volume on the move, causing even more pain for Heyman. Heyman tries to negotiate his way out of it, but Cena says “Chris” and Heyman eats some of the soap. Heyman changes his tune and starts threatening Cena, saying he’s going to make his life a living hell. Not the best of words to say in such a compromising situation. Cena says “Chris” and Heyman eats more soap. This goes on some more, until Heyman has tasted all the virtues of the soap. Cena and Benoit slap five and celebrate.

We are shown a graphic with all the entries into the Rumble. Why couldn’t they do the individual graphics with each person’s face, like they used to? Ah, I’m getting old already. Also at the Rumble will be Eddie vs. Chavo, Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble for the Cruiserweight Title, and Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Freakin’ Holly for the World Title. Like I keep trying to tell myself, at least this match has a good storyline going for it.

Segment Grade: B+. This was one of the most disappointing Smackdown highlights I’ve ever been treated to during my stint as Velo reviewer. Cena’s mic work, well, needs a lot of work. Everything he said was so exaggerated, so forced-sounding. And Heyman on the mic just wasn’t up to his usual standard either. An ambitious segment that fell a little flat. Good overall, though, and different, which is always good.

(4) Bradshaw defeated A-Train.

Match Analysis: THIS. This is the main event. After an excellent match between Dragon and Moore, and a Royal Rumble qualifier match, this piece of garbage is the main event. Well, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised, but that would be like saying maybe the Brewers will sign Greg Maddux to strengthen their starting pitching. We are shown a clip of eight freakin’ weeks ago, where the Train beat Bradshaw. I can’t believe they remembered something that happened eight weeks ago. Big ups for that. Train hits a big shoulder block. Bradshaw goes on the offensive, and hits some chops. And a sloppy Russian legsweep. And then a swinging neckbreaker. Props to Bradshaw for doing some great maneuvers here to try to salvage this.

Train counters the Clothesline From Hell, and hits some patented Big Man Offense. This includes ramming Bradshaw shoulder-first into the ringpost. On the outside, Train goes to work with some devastating kicks. Back in the ring, Train gets two. Train snaps Bradshaw’s neck on the second rope. This is as slow and plodding as you would expect it would be. Train locks on an armbar of some description. I know from personal experience that those really hurt if you do them for real. I used to wrestle by best friend Lepak in the playground in elementary school all the time. That was his finisher, the Fujiwara armbar. I lost a lot back then. Oh yeah, there’s a match going on! Bradshaw hits a shoulder tackle of his own, and then a big boot. Bradshaw goes to the top rope of all things, and then actually hits a super shoulder block for two. Wow! I don’t believe what I just saw. Bradshaw hits the Clothesline From Hell to put this match out of its misery.

Match Grade: C. Sheesh, what a main event this was. Gotta give credit to Bradshaw for trying some impressive stuff, including a top rope maneuver of any sort, but there’s only so much you can do with A Train. Overall, a passable encounter that I won’t exactly be watching the tape of to see over and over again.

And, what’s this?! NO BILL DEMOTT’S TURNING POINT?!?! What’s going on here!

Final Show Grade: B-. Well, on the plus side, the Dragon vs. Moore match was very good, easily the best of the night. And the Morgan vs. Jordan match was enjoyable, if only for the added stipulations that the winner got into the Royal Rumble. Arch Kincaid was interesting, the best Velocijobber of the year so far. And the Smackdown highlights were well done for the most part. So, overall this was a thumbs up show, but the main event, Cena’s segment falling a bit flat, the main event, Billy Kidman’s complete lack of charisma and the main event really took away from this show. As did the absence of the Turning Point. Could have been much better, but was still an okay show.

Dusty Giebink can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com or WisconsinDream on the VIP Forum, if you have something to say.

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