WWE Velocity review
November 1, 2003
Taped 10/23/03 in Atlanta, Ga.
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Dusty Giebink, Lounge Janitor

We begin with the announcement of Bill DeMott as the new color man. Time shall tell the tale of whether I will be missing the Cat or not. As per usual, Josh Matthews is the irreplaceable play-by-play man. Survivor Series is shaping up, with the advent of a classic-style five-on-five Survivor match featuring Brock Lesnar on one side, and Kurt Angle on the other.

(1) Tajiri defeated Shannon Moore.

Match Analysis: Bill DeMott can think of no better way to spend a Saturday night than sitting next to him, watching Velocity. Funny, my opinion begs to differ with his. DeMott starts laying into Matthews, and that must be some sort of prerequisite for being Velocity's color individual. We're at least three for the last three. "U.S.A." chant is started. Moore hits a back handspring into an armdrag. Why can't you just armdrag a guy anymore? Moore hits a plancha onto Tajiri on the outside. Tajiri's as-yet-unnamed henchmen interfere on his behalf. Tajiri hits a gutbuster for two. Tajiri locks on a unique octopus-like stretch on Moore. Cool move. Tajiri hits some of his stiff kicks. Moore counters something by rolling him up for two. Moore hits a jumping neckbreaker for two. Moore misses the Halo, but manages to hit a sleeper slam for two. Tajiri hits the Buzzsaw Kick to Moore's head for the victory.

Match Grade: A-. Very good match. After, Matthews asks DeMott if he's ever been hit with one of those kicks. "Well, they told me I was." Nice response, really putting over Tajiri's kicks as something very dangerous, and that's the way it should be. The only thing I didn't like about this match was that Moore had to do that darned back handspring before hitting a simple armdrag. I will not let that detract from what was otherwise a great match.

We are two weeks away from Survivor Series.

From last Thursday's Smackdown, there was a costume contest between Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie. To top it off, it was hosted by Funaki, Smackdown's number one announcer. This may have been the best non-wrestling wrestling segment ever. In my humble opinion, that is. They are supposed to bob for apples at some point, but Dawn takes it upon herself to jump into the vat of chocolate, removing her miniscule amount of clothing in the process. That is exactly how one should bob for apples. If "one" is "Dawn Marie," I should say. She takes her top off, Funaki has some of the best facial expressions known to man, and I am a very happy camper. Tazz gets into the ring in attempt to play a trick on Funaki and get him into the chocolate. Torrie shoves Tazz into it instead. Matthews: "I love Halloween." You and me both, my friend.

Segment Grade: A. The only thing holding this back from the previously non-existent A++ grade was Torrie Wilson's horrible entrance music. Everything else. . . me likey!

Bob Holly is coming back, and I hope that doesn't sound like I'm threatening you. Blame Vince McMahon or somebody.

(2) Orlando Jordan defeated Kanyon.

Match Analysis: Wow, Kanyon not in the opener? This is truly a red letter day. Kanyon is 12 different kinds of great, and Vince McMahon just doesn't get it. Matthews and DeMott argue over whether something Kanyon did was cheating or just a sign of his experience. It was actually both. The answer is always in the middle. Matthews explains the fine art of using people's initials as a sort of nickname. You can call me NZ. Those aren't really my initials, but you can feel free to call me that. It's all good. (I believe my initials are actually DG, but one cannot be sure about these things.) Kanyon hits a nice bulldog from the second rope for a two count. It was uncalled on commentary, as they were busy talking about Vince McMahon and the Undertaker and Vince McMahon. And Vince McMahon. I really try to love wrestling all the time, but sometimes it's hard. Jordan hits a back suplex to get out of a sleeper. Matthews speculates that because Jordan is bald, his perspiration was the reason he was able to get out of the sleeper, and I love wrestling again. Jordan hits the Johnson Shuffle. Kanyon hits a neckbreaker. OJ hits the White Bronco of Doom, uh, I mean a spinning neckbreaker for the victory. Matthews calls the victory an upset, but honestly, when was the last time Kanyon won a match of any refute?

Match Grade: B. This was a very solid match. Jordan might actually be something special, and there's no reason he can't eventually be a babyface challenger to champion Sean O'Haire in my fantasy, never gonna happen world. By the way, WHERE THE HELL IS SEAN O'HAIRE?!

(3) Spanky & Paul London defeated Pat Cusick & Murray Happer.

Match Analysis: Matthews points out this is not the first time Cusick and Happer have teamed up together on Velocity, and love little things like that. So yeah, I'm reading Burgan's Smackdown Express this past week, and I see the following item: I have it on good authority, well not that good, it's actually Dusty Gibrink - the kid who recaps Velocity for the Torch, and he tells me that Spanky has been teaming with Paul London. So WHERE THE HELL IS SPANKY?! I have edited Derek's faux pas, that being calling me a Smackdown reviewer, as that won't happen until Wade finally decides he has had enough of him and shows him the door. Even then, I probably won't be. Anyway, if I'm not a reliable source, Birgin, then take a look. If you believe that I'm lying during my review, go read Doron's review as well. He actually writes about the matches, anyway. London hits a dropsault on Cusick, but gets caught with some double team chicanery, in the form of a hangman's neckbreaker and a double suplex. London hits a nice DDT, but he desperately needs to make the tag. He does tag in Sir Spanks-A-Lot, as Matthews calls him. Spanky hits some Sweet Chin Music for two. London and Spanky hit superkicks in stereo. London hits a senton bomb on Cusick, using Spanky's back as a springboard. They hit a double team kick on Happer for the victory.

Match Grade: B-. Better than your average squash, because of some solid work from London and Spanky. If they're stuck in Velocihell, they might as well make the best of it by having entertaining matches.

From last Thursday's Smackdown, sides were chosen for the traditional Survivor Series match between teams led by Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar. Paul Heyman, the brand spanking new, thank God Stephanie is no longer out there, Smackdown GM comes out with Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan of OVW "fame." Heyman announces to Lesnar that Big Show, Jones and Morgan will be part of his team at the Series. Lesnar likes the sound of that. Heyman makes a match to have Lesnar & Big Show vs. APA. Lesnar's not sure why he should trust Heyman, but Heyman sweet talks him and makes things better. Lesnar, being a real man, does not boo boo face. In any event, there will be one more member added to Lesnar's team in the near future.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle announces that not only does he have himself and Chris Benoit on his team, but he just got off the phone with a man that has waited over a year to get at Lesnar. That being, Hardcore Holly. Fine, I can deal with that, especially with the backstory involved. The remaining two members of Angle's team will be the APA. Bradshaw promises they will beat the hell out of Show and Lesnar later in the night. Fast forward to the match, and APA is on the offensive. Faarooq gets a two on Show. Lesnar tosses Bradshaw into the 4,391 pound steel ring steps. Lesnar nails Faarooq with a chair for the DQ. It was blatant, intentional, and premeditated, according to Michael Cole. Show hits a chokeslam on Faarooq. Lesnar lays the chair over Faarooq's knee and Show hits a legdrop off the second rope onto it. Bradshaw tries to make the save but tastes the chair himself. Benoit and Angle hit the ring, with Angle locking on the anklelock and Benoit applying the Crossface. Morgan and Jones hit the ring and lay out the faces. Very nice way of presenting Morgan and Jones as monsters, and just generally setting up this match. Matthews mentions that rumor has it John Cena will be involved in that match as well. Also at Survivor Series will be Vince McMahon vs. Undertaker in a Buried Alive match.

Segment Grade: A-. Well, I'm willing to ignore just how bad Jones was last time he was featured on Smackdown. He was presented in such a way where it wasn't important how good of a worker he is. It just mattered that he was big, and could do some serious damage. I dig that. Nice build up for a match I'm looking forward to.

The Cat is coming back, and I'm very excited about that for some reason.

(4) Rhyno defeated Billy Kidman.

Match Analysis: Matthews: "Billy Kidman has perhaps the best music in the business." And I was really starting to like Matthews. Oh well, I'll try not to hold that against him. Perhaps he was being sarcastic, it's so hard to tell when you can't see a guy's face. Kidman hits a couple armdrags and then a sliding dropkick to Rhyno on the outside. Rhyno catches Kidman coming back in and gets sent flying into the steel post. DeMott confirms Matthews' speculation that it hurts to get tossed into the steel post. A "Rhyno Sucks" chant echoes through the arena. Kidman gets a crossbody for two. Or dos, as they say. Rhyno hits a nice DDT, but takes his sweet time making the cover and doesn't hook the leg when he finally does. Good job by DeMott to point this shiznit out. Kidman gets an enziugiri for two. Rhyno catches Kidman with a clothesline for two. Rhyno misses a Gore and Kidman gets two. Rhyno hits a spinebuster. Rhyno finally hits the Gore for the victory.

Match Grade: B+. Very good match. Here's a fun game for you to try next time you watch Velocity (yeah, I know, I know). In all four matches tonight, the person that was introduced first was the winner of the match. I will continue to monitor this phenomenon, and report back to you at a later date, my loyal readers.

Final Show Grade: B+. This was one of the best Velocity episodes I have ever had the pleasure of reviewing. I'm in such a good mood, in fact, that I'm not going to let that big paper I have to do for Senior Seminar class bother me. I will get it done tomorrow, no problem! Everything is beautiful, the weather is immaculate, birds are chirping, I don't have a girlfriend, but that's okay too. As for the show itself, the Smackdown highlights were very good, as were the matches, and the only real thing that held this show down was the London & Spanky squash match. That wasn't too bad either, as it was a very solid match. Thumbs up all around.

Dusty Giebink gets vicious emails from a certain Smackdown reviewer/Karate Master ridiculing him for being a lowly B-show reviewer. He gets creeped out by the karate guru's Vince McMahon-like laugh, and puts on Black Flag CDs to reaffirm his manliness. He welcomes any questions, answers, comments, or concerns, and can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com. He encourages everyone to send Scott Paris an email, telling him that his last name is spelled "Gibrink." Not really, but if you're going to get it wrong, get it wrong, uh, right.

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