PWTorch.com - 10/26 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

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10/26 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

Oct 23, 2003 - 9:38:00 PM

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Derek Burgan, Torch Ring Rat Pimp

WWE Smackdown review
October 23, 2003
Taped sometime before today
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don�t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: A new faction develops in the WWE! And it�s the first WWE show in weeks without Big Show and shit jokes! HUZZAH for us!

Now come on, you HAD to have liked that brief intermission! You can also now click over to gumgod and see the The Most Controversial Thing I�ve Ever Been Associated With. Keep in mind I�m the same guy who wrote the parody of the Maryland Sniper, so imagine what that is saying. I must be maturing a little bit, because a year ago I would have thought nothing of just putting that straight onto the Torch site and it would have taken Wade about 10 seconds before reaming me a new one. It also marks the end of our little foray into the video game world. We�ve got new episode of the world famous Curtain Jerkers next week, dealing with the upcoming absence of Triple H and a bunch of more goofy fun in the coming weeks and months.

And speaking of video games, Play THIS When You Get A Chance! Unless you are around an easily offended person of the female persuasion that is.

CALLING ALL v2.1 FANS! Right now Curtain Jerkers is limited by the amount of wrestling figures available at v2.1 HQ. If you have any lying around your house you want to get rid of, Shoot Us An Email. I was at Toys �R� Us about a month ago and I saw the ultimate package. It was a WWE �Training Day� set and consisted of a weight room. I swear I could�ve written 50 strips using this set alone. The sticker on the shelf said �$9.99� and I thought it was too good to be true.

Well, it was.

I went to the register and it turns out the set is $39.99. DAMN! This wouldn�t have been a problem except Wade took away my privileges of using the Torch Gold Card when I purchased the Super Chico V DVD with it. I haven�t been in this much heat with the Torch Head Honcho since I bought him a gift subscription to the Daily Lariat as a gag gift last Christmas.

(3) The Basham Bros. (w/That THING They Call Shaniqua With The Fake Tits) beat Los Guerreros to win the WWE Tag Team Titles. The finish came as the ref was distracted with Shaniqua, allowing Danny to switch with Doug Basham. Danny rolled out of Eddie�s attempted Frog Splash and then hit him with the Billy Club that Shaniqua had (I thought she carried a whip?!)

Heat Index: A decent match between the two, although I became obsessed with the thought that Shaniqua had a nose job done while she got the fake boobs. No one�s reported this though, so maybe I�m going out of my mind. I�m excited to see a possible chance for the Bashams to grow as characters. Maybe there can be that tag team of Spanky and Paul London to battle, that would be a blast! Poor Eddie though, two belts last Sunday and none today. OUCH!

JOB Failure: A couple weeks ago I offered readers a chance to help me out in saying something good about a match, and of course I couldn�t follow up because last week I was off. First of all, thanks to everyone who wrote in, but a special thanks to v2.1�er Nick Sheldon who sent me this INCREDIBLE record he has done keeping track of wins/losses in singles and tag matches for EVERYONE ON THE RAW and SMACKDOWN ROSTER. This even includes people who jumped to TNA. Send me an email if you want to check this cool shit out and I�ll forward it over to you. I swear it seems like this took more work than 10 Smackdown Expresses (is that even a word?!)

Kayfabe Factor: This switching in Danny for Doug is REALLY GETTING OLD. Even I can tell the two apart by now and you�re telling me that the ref�s cant? This would be the equivalent of the Yankees throwing in Derek Jeter to bat for Aaron Boone with two outs and two strikes on him in the bottom of the ninth, with the umpire not noticing.

***1/2 of the Not-So-Amiguously-Gay-Duo, Josh Matthews, interviewed the Bashams They were all excited. YES, THEY WERE TALKING ON TV!!! Shaniqua then cut them off saying they were going to go, �celebrate.� Hopefully they won�t go to that TGIF that OVW wrestler�s Johnny Jeter is a waiter at, because Jim Cornette might have a heart attack.

Why yes, I am thinking of moving to New York. Why Do You Ask?

(4) Tajiri beat Zach Gowen. The finish came when Tajiri gave Zach one of those awesome kicks to the head!

Heat Index: Kicks were the name of the game in this match, with even Zach Gowen pulling out a few good moves on Tajiri. Cole and Tazz had a great exchange at the beginning with Cole saying Tajiri is supposed to cut Zach Gowen slack and Tazz didn�t know what the F--- he was talking about. This might have been the first Tajiri match in forever that didn�t involve the Tarantula, although it probably would�ve looked stupid if they had tried.

JOB Failure: The WWE turning Zach Gowen into a modern day Iron Mike Sharpe is enough to drive me nuts, so we�re going to cool off and watch a Really Funny Commercial. There. I�m better now. That wasn�t so bad. You know, I think this kid just needs a dose of Mattitude!

Kayfabe Factor: After the match two Japanese guys came in wearing dark suits. Turns out it was Jimmy Yang and Keiji Sakado. Michael Cole had no idea who they were. I know, you were as shocked as I was finding that out. The two then gave Gowen this cool double-team Rock Bottom with a leg sweep. The Torch is reporting that the WWE wanted to call this new threesome �The Yakuza� but Tajiri wanted nothing to do with it. The Yakuza is what the mafia is called in Japan and the Japanese Buzzsaw is afraid what they would think. I hate to break this to Tajiri, but the WWE can barely get American�s to watch the show, let alone gangsters in Japan.

Here is a Goofy Diversion for those of you sick of �all this rasslin shit.�

Reason #1065 to order the PWTorch: In the latest issue Wade Keller himself did a write-up of the �Undertaker�s Top 12 PPV Matches (so far).� Now I don�t want to know how the Head Honcho came up with this idea out of nowhere, and I�ll admit that he did choose some pretty good matches. However, I want to know above all why he is OBSESSED with the number �12.� This isn�t the first time the Torch has had a �Top 12� something or other. Does anyone on Earth do this?! For a second I thought Former Torch MMA Guy Nick Moore killed Wade and secretly took his place. If any of you out there have an insight to the reasons behind �12� or what the Blue Blazes �TDH Communications� means, send the scoop over to v2.1 HQ.

***Big Show and Brock Lesnar are in the back, bitching like a couple of girls over who needed to be more �on� for the match tonight.

***A promo from Bob Holly aired. Woah! Talk about a blast from the past! Holly was pissed that Brock Lesnar put him out and was coming back for the Next Big Thing. I gotta tell ya, one of the greatest gimmicks of all time was �The Big Shot� Bob Holly. Ah, those were the days�

(5) The Undertaker beat Big Show & Brock Lesnar in a handicap match. The finish came after Taker gave Brock Lesnar a Last Ride to win his second fall.

Heat Index: Maybe it�s been done a lot before, but I thought it was great that Paul Heyman kept coming out and changing the stipulations of the match. First it was to make it a 2 out of 3 falls after Taker had pinned Show. Then it went on to no-DQ and no-countouts. It just comes across as a really cool idea to me, to continually f--- ith the babyface.

JOB Failure: Having your World Champ and US Champ lose in a handicap match is pretty weak if you ask me. I don�t think it would be possible to bury their belts any lower. Maybe Madusa needs to come in and dump all the titles into a garbage can.

Kayfabe Factor: After the match the two heels destroyed Taker and Vince came down to confront the Dead Man. Taker, a total mess, told them what his match stipulation was. A Buried Alive Match against Vince McMahon at Survivor Series! So far I�m hearing that Survivor Series will have two 5 on 5 matches and now this? I�m calling my cable operator as we speak. I�m sold~!

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: After watching my Back to the Future Trilogy DVD set this week, I thought I�d send a shout out to Michael J. Fox. He suffers from Parkinson�s Disease and by clicking that link you can take an easy test to see if you too are starting to show signs. Early detection is key here kids!

�Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?� I liked this Smackdown a lot. The Paul Heyman introduction was well done and seeing Shelton, Rikishi and Scotty back was a nice surprise. The Bashams winning the tag titles could be a very good thing, or it could totally kill the Tag Titles. We�ll have to see where the WWE goes with them. I love the idea of the Yakuza team, and maybe Jamie Noble will form his own squad (is this where the Spanky � Paul London come in?) The Main Event was good for what it was, but who wants to see Taker in this spot besides Vince McMahon and Sara Undertaker?

�Tell me he didn�t just say that ?!� (Quotes of the Night)

�Well, well, well. Lookee here, it�s me Vince McMahon!� - The Higher Power, to the crowd, opening the show.

�I beat the snot out of my very own daughter Stephanie McMahon.� - Vincent KENNEDY McMahon, using an expression I have never understood.

�I know where I�m going when I kick the bucket. I�m going to hell in a handbasket.� - Vince McMahon, realist.

�You heard of the expression �spare the rod, spoil the child?� Well, last night I certainly didn�t spoil the child, but I didn�t spare the rod either, did I Sable?� - Vinnie Mac, making all of us gag

�You don�t cross the boss. You don�t give grief to the chief. You DO have sex with the guy who signs your check.� -Vince, to Sable. UGH.

�He�s someone who tried to put me out of business. He�s someone who if you are around him too much, you want to put your arms around his neck and STRANGLE him!� - Vince McMahon, in his introduction for Paul Heyman

�As an agent I created the World�s Greatest Tag Team and as a GM I inherit the World�s Greatest LIARS!� - Paul Heyman, upset that Charlie and Shelton never called him while he was out.

�It�s like you�re the Broncos preparing to play the Bengals and all of a sudden you have to face the Dolphins. I know you don�t know much about basketball Cole, but�� - Tazz, using an NFL reference to explain why it wasn�t fair to surprise The World�s Greatest Tag Team

�They have a haberdasher in Red Hook?! You don�t even know what a haberdasher is! � - Cole, screaming at Tazz after the Human Suplex Machine pulled out a ten dollar word.

�I do too. There�s plenty of bald guys in Red Hook and they need hats.� - Tazz �Well, what is it?! - Cole

�It�s a guy who makes hats, clothes and caps!!� - Tazz, and a swear to God he was screaming at Cole by now. This might have been the funnest part of the whole show. Shoot or work I don�t know, but it was gold!

�They�re sick and silly and weird and freaky.� - Tazz, describing the Basham Bros sexual habits.

�I made a mistake. I forgot to mention that this match was 2 out of 3 falls.� - Paul Heyman, after Taker had pinned Big Show in the Main Event

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

�Anna Kournikova says she may be retiring from the sport of tennis, which is terrible news for whoever is ranked second to last.� - Craig Killborn

�President Bush wants to increase the number of Cubans allowed into the U.S. and wants to help them find safer routes to enter the country. I believe the first two routes are the American League and the National League.'� - Jay Leno

�Remember Jennifer Lopez and 'Bennifer' Affleck were going to get married and everyone
was excited? Well now we find out why they didn't get married. Ben hated the fact that Jennifer always had this tremendous entourage with her. She said 'This isn't my entourage. These are my ex-husbands...'.� � David Letterman

�I'm a bit down. Liza Minelli and David Gest, I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man
who likes other men and a woman who drinks not get along?� � Jon Stewart

� John Allen Mohammed, one of two men charged in the D.C. sniper case is doing all he can to bring some levity to the proceedings. Today in Virginia, which I remind you is for lovers, Mohammed who was granted to serve as his own lawyer, fired himself and went back to his court-appointed attorneys. Said Mohammed 'the lawyer', 'I can't work with this man, he's insane, I'm not a miracle worker!' Yesterday, Mohammed 'the lawyer' cross-examined a man who Mohammed 'the suspect' allegedly shot in the chest. The victim was a Maryland restaurant owner whose laptop computer was later found by police in Mohammed's car. While Mohammed insists on his innocence, his case was not helped by his first question to the witness, 'How do you get that thing to stop beeping every time you save a word document'� - Jon Steward

DVD of the Week Owning Mahowny (click and read my review) Yeah, I never heard of it either, but it was a really good flick!

And don�t forget to pick up: Hulk (Widescreen Special Edition) and SpongeBob SquarePants - The Complete 1st Season

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger and his tag team partnerThe Great Hisa, , WMG Heavyweight Champion Keith Lipinski, Terry �Don�t hate me because my last name is� McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, �The Celtan of Swat� Celian Varini, Crazy Torch Confidential Guy Scott Paris, Stylin� Scott Foy, The Hebrew Hammer Scott Epstein, Nasty Nick Sheldon, and the invaluable, the incomparable, The much needed Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.