By Keith Lipinski, Torch and Burgan's "Bad Boy"

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell:Eddie cheats to win, Big Show attacks, The Undertaker's a drag, and Sable keeps it real by satisfying "every sexual craving Mr. Mcmahon has" Oh my!

***Vince McMahon and Sable came into the center of the ring to hopefully get back the anti "Will & Grace" demographic. Vince, put over Stephanie's Academy Award (yes Vince actually said this) winning performance. Its always good to see top talent put over your new stars. "My daughter stopped loving me a long, long time ago." Perhaps it was at Armageddon 1999? Vince mentions how he understands the meaning of true love, because if you love someone you will hurt them. If you care about someone, you will hurt them and you will hurt them badly. The late Barry White has nothing on Vince. Neither does Sting (OOOOW!), with his "if you love someone set them free (free, free)." Kids, are you taking notes? Please stop right now, turn off the television and go read a good book. Vince will not "spare the rod" this weekend on Stephanie, which might be a subtle hint Piper's coming back. In order to win on Sunday, Stephanie and all the fans would have to pray for a divine intervention. Man I'm just hoping divine intervention somehow stops the match from happening. Vince talks down to the crowd, calls them lazy and how they are counting on the lottery (again burying WCW as Illinois had a "Nitro" game) to save them. "I'm a millionaire and a billionaire, but I'm not waiting for a lottery to come around, I reached down and took what was mine." Vince mentions the lottery being a good analogy of Stephanie's chances to beat Vince., as he shutters to think of the physical abuse he will "inflict upon my flesh and blood." He fails to discuss the physical and mental abuse the match will inflict upon the IWC. Is this match illegal in so many ways possible?? During all of Vince's yappin', Sable looks like she could use a nice directors chair or one of those chairs on Jericho's highlight reel no one ever uses. Vince leaves his daughter with these words as his face gets a bright shade of red: "May God have mercy on your soul, because I won't!" Fantastic!

***Sable talks about Linda McMahon and how Linda should "stand beside her man (or McMahon), not against him." Quick, someone contact Johnny B. Badd! The former Miss Slammie dares Stephanie will lose the match but Linda will lose your man, due to her forgetting what it takes to satisfy a genuine American icon. Like Clay, Ruben, or Paul Abdul? Sable reminds us (like this is needed to be said) she is sexier and more voluptuous then you are. One of Sable's greatest accomplishments is being able to satisfy "Every sexual craving Mr. McMahon has." Why must I think about Vince's sexual cravings? With this, Sable said Linda could kiss her man goodbye as she pulled Vince close and they started making out. I saw open mouth, and I saw tongue! Vince's face turned a fiery red. Vince mouthed and waved goodbye," as Sable put her arms around Vince and showed off his pants. Ok, now I will not be able to sleep tonight. What's the score in the Bronx right now??

***Brock vs. Taker promo for "No Mercy." Apparently they are fighting this weekend, if you can believe that. You know I received an email today reminding me about this pay per view. The subject: Will Mr. McMahon Be Out Of A Job This Sunday At No Mercy? To quote Uncle Jessie, "Have Mercy!"

***Video of the "Passport To Pain" (a title for the latest Motley Crue book?) European tour. Brock sez in a little insight into the mind of Brock Lesnar: "I enjoy coming to England I enjoy the fans and they are very rough are rowdy (and bowdy boudy?). And they make me want to hurt someone you know because I like doing that!" Cena speaks about the quick pace of the tour and how he doesn't know why most fans hate him while sniffing his arm pit. Plenty of shots of WWE guys with camcorders enjoying the sights of overseas WWE fans and almost sold out house shows.

***Clips of Eddie Guerrro-The Big Show-Sewage Truck Angle from last week, which ironically was the s#@ts!

(3) Eddie Guerrero beat Rhyno to retain the WWE United States Title with a belt shot.

Heat Index: Lots of outside influences and weapons during the match, as Rhyno attempted to bring one of Eddie's two titles into the ring. However, recently traded referee Nick (n W o) Patrick put a kabash on that. Eddie hit a glorious high dropkick, the triple suplex, and went to the top rope as he was "feeling froggy." Hopefully, Eddie has remembered to get a flu shot for that condition. Eddie went for the frog splash only to have Rhyno put his knees up as the "manbeast" was "playing possum." Back from commercial break with Rhyno having Eddie in the Stu Hart memorial sharpshooter (RIP Stu), with shades of the Bret Hart as said by Tazz. It's nice to hear his name without hearing "Montreal" or "screwjob" afterward. Eddie breaks out of the sharpshooter by grabbing Rhyno's leg, which was a good idea. Superplex from the top by Rhyno for a two count, top rope huttacaronna by Eddie, as Cole mentions the United States title tournament and Rhyno being "thick of the hunt" earlier this summer. The finish (get this): Eddie went to the outside, undid his boot and put the ring bell hammer into his boot. As Rhyno went for his GORE! GORE! GORE! Eddie put referee Patrick in front of Rhyno. As Rhyno stopped mid-GORE!, Eddie rolled over and took the hammer out of his shoe, tossed it at Rhyno then acted as Rhyno had used it on him. Now "Latino Heat" was the one playing "possum." As Patrick admonished Rhyno, Eddie grabbed his United States title belt and hit Rhyno in the head with the title behind Patrick's back for the tainted victory.

JOB Failure: Apparently Chavoito has some travel problems and cannot be with us this evening. Another non-title match, as Cold mentions Rhyno can get back in the US title hunt. Excuse me is there even a US title hunt? At least with this match, we're averaging one match every half hour, which is a great ratio. NOT! The announcers have called the evening "wild", even though the crowd seemed very subdued. Maybe because Boston is up 3-0.

***Another Triple H controlling the bees commercial for YJ Stinger aired, has anyone "felt the sting" yet? Does it make you want to hide in the rafters for a year without saying a word or wanting to job?

Kayfabe Factor: Eddie came out in his low rider, complete with Los Guerrero's "Cheat To Win" dice (available soon from www.wweshopzone.com?). The low rider slightly resembled the "p&&&& wagon" from "Kill Bill" (which is a wonderful piece of Cinema).

***After the match, as Eddie was backing up, Big Show with the "Big Papa Pump memorial lead pipe" hit the back window of the low rider. The Big Show went to town, using the pipe to beat up the defenseless automobile. Show taunted Eddie by saying, "see that esse?" and "lets go bato!" . Eddie was thrown into the hood and always flew all the way over it. Big Show then hit a powerbomb onto the hood of the car. Eddie was cut pretty nicely and back was bleeding heavily. Big show took him and hit a high chokeslamm him on the cab top of the truck. He hovered over a fallen Eddie and went right to his face as the two went nose to nose. I was very nicely surprised they didn't play it off as Big Show still stunk from last weeks s%^t shower

***Moments Ago: Footage of the Eddie Guerrero Low Rider beating, including the choke slam reminding us their feud is about more then just s**t!

(4) Rey Mysterio beat Johnny (The Bull) Stamboli (w/ Nunzio & Chuck Palumbo).

Heat Index: Not to bad of a match, considering it was could have been a WCW Cruiserweight sacrifice match. Considering the weight and height difference, there was something about this match, which made it work. At times, it looked like as graceful (yes, alert the press Johnny The Bulll and "graceful" being used in the same sentence) ballet as Mysterio was high flying over the huge former "Mamaluke." The Bull caught Mysterio during a 619 attempt. He delivered a Full Blooded Backbreaker and went gorilla press slam Mysterio only to have Mysterio reverse it into the West Coast Pump for the quick and suprisng win.

JOB Failure: Tazz mentioned Tajiri was "one mysterious cat" and Johnny The Bull got his name from being "string like bull." I love any time announcers compare animals to wrestlers! During the match there was a plug for the "special interview" with the Undertaker. Of course, there was no mention of this interview until one hour 38 minutes of the show had already past.

Kayfabe Factor: Brian "boombox" Hebner sent Nunzio and "Chuck" Polumbo to the back, as Tazz went into an exciting tirade about "doing the right thing." Ok then.

***Brock was looking on the monitor, as The Undertaker was getting ready for his main event segment. Brock had a sinister grin as he left his chair. Great, it the one hour forty one minute mark, and sigh, the wrestling portion of the show is all over for the evening! In Maryland, the wrestling action is just heating up with the latest Ring Of Honor show, yet I'm stuck watching this.

***Backstage: Orlando "Cat Bo" Jordan, Shannon AllThatAndMoore, and Smackdown's number one announcer, Velocity's number one jobber Funaki watch as a tow truck takes away what is left of Eddie's Low Rider. Meanwhile, The Sensei of Mattitude has a gift for Shannon for as he promised when Shannon defeated "Flash In The Pan" Zach Gowen last week. Yes, it’s a OIL PAINTING OF KURT ANGLE, I mean a framed poster of Nation Of Domination Member Rocky Maivia himself. Wow, what a glorious reward. While Shannon is admiring his "major award" "Big Bad" John Heidenreich of OVW fame (without Little John) came up to Shannon and Matt, bypassing the laws of the brand extension. Big John wants to give a tape of his greatest matches (insert blank tape joke here) to Stephanie McMahon. Luckly for Mr. Heidenreich, WWE Creative keeps tabs on all OVW wrestlers and OVW storylines and knows all the weaknesses of these guys. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Matt promises to give the tape to someone, the someone in this case being a nearby trashcan.

***Undertaker backstage for his Main Event Interview. The rules of the "Biker Chain" match for Sunday are "complicated as there are no rules." Man, is this so "Fight Club," which by the way came out four years ago (as it was the first movie I took my sweetheart to)! The chain will not be linked to the two men and will not, according to the Undertaker there will not be "a chain of peace." The chain will be "somehow" suspended above the ring with Judy Bagwell, a bottle of viagra, and a framed picture of Scott Hall. Taker reminds us the chain could be used to "beat a skull in" and "the chain itself isn't dangerous, the person swinging the chain is dangerous." The Undertaker bypasses reality by saying he's "more ready right now to be WWE champion both mentally and physically, and by hook or crook." What am I watching? BBC America has the original (and great) version of "Coupling" on right now. Too bad the American version is so hollow and wooden, much like the McMahon family. Cole wants The Undertaker to focus on the "main event" of No Mercy, as he asks about the epic battle of McMahons. Politically, the Undertaker does the wise thing and puts both over, including calling former wife to be Stephanie as "resourceful." As Undertaker was doing his best "Jimmy The Greek" impersonation, Brock Lesnar stuck the Undertaker with a chain wrapped around his mighty fist (not to be confused with a certain TNA superstars "fist helmet"). Brock proceeds to put the chain around The Undertaker's neck and begins to drag the undertaker to the ring. He then attaches The Undertaker to the Undertaker's Harley Davidson and rides away. What ya gonna do???

***Brock drags the Undertaker down to the ring and tries to hang the Undertaker from the ringpost, as the Undertaker is looking more palely and more like a deadman then usual. According to the announce team, The Undertaker is in a "world of hurt." The Undertaker's eyes are almost popping out, as he attempts to hit three big boots to stop the choke. The Undertaker comes back, but a blatant low blow and foul from Brock stops the Undertaker's momentum. Brock attempts the F-5, only to have The Undertaker hit a choke slam to end the evening. Cole finishes our enchanted evening by mentioning the "Biker Chain Match" and how "This is Undertaker's Match." What happened to his specialty being "Hell in the Cell" and "Buried Alive" matches? Cole also mentions the Undertaker is <a href="http://www.limpbizkit.com/" target="_blank>" rollin Alrighty then!

”Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?” Four wrestling matches in two hours, so an average of a match every half hour! At least every match was decent, but it wasn't a great Smackdown by any means. Too much McMahon. At least the Big Show s@&t was kept to a minimum. Did this night help hype anything stronger then the McMahon vs. McMahon match? No. Was this a good show to hype the Pay Per View this weekend? No. Was it an awful show, other then the McMahon ego running wild: no.

"Tell me he didn’t just say that" (Quotes of the Night)

"You've been using your thesaurus, what great grammar!" - Mitchell Cole to Tazz during the Angle Midget segment, Tazz then proved Cole's statement to be true by saying "look at this little sob"

"It (the midget) sorta looks like Kurt!"
"What? Because he's bald?" - Cole and Tazz on the Angle Midget

"Who writes his stuff?" - Cole on the "Cena Weiner" rap. I included this due to Cole and myself being on the same page for the first time, ever!

"Straps are down! Straps are down! It's breaking down in Cincinnati!" - Tazz showing his ruthless aggression as the Angle midget getting the ankle lock on "John Cena"

"Like a torpedo with nobody home." - Cole describing Benoit trying the TOPE! on the Basham Brothers.

"The hair on A-Trains back must be standing up watching this one, there's a lot of hair to stand up there too" - Tazz hyping the Benoit vs. A-Train match this Sunday, along with hyping A-Train's enormous backhair.

"Is the McMahon family normal?" - Question of the night from Michael Cole

"You have to ask?" - Stephanie's great answer to Cole's question

"I don't know" - Stephanie when asked about what she would do if she lost on Sunday. Its good to have goals and plans kids!

"You can't change perception, people are going to think whatever they want to think about me." - Smackdown General Manager Stephanie McMahon on being "spoiled."

"If I ever get married again, my dad won't walk me down the aisle. If, hopefully, I'm blessed with a baby he won't earn the right to see his grandchild. I won't let my baby be around a man like that." - Stephanie, running any plans of Vince giving her away October 25th. I guess The Undertaker could always give her away.

"Mr. McMahon is the WWE!"
"He is sports entertainment !" - Tazz and Cole going for a payraise by putting over their boss. Good job boys! I wonder who wrote these lines.

"The entire world of sports entertainment will be changed forever." - Michael Cole, wrestling sage.

"May god have mercy on your soul, because I won't!" - Vince hyping his first ever "father-daughter I quit" match.

"Forgetting what it takes to satisfy a genuine American icon" - Sable on Linda's shortcomings, yet promo ability and wooden acting was never mentioned.

"Being able to satisfy every sexual craving Mr. McMahon has" - Sable, disgusting the nation

"And they make me want to hurt someone you know because I like doing that" - Noted World Champion, world traveler, and zen master Brock Lesnar.

"The rules of the Biker Chain match are complicated as there are no rules" - The Undertaker confusing the nation.

"This is Undertaker's Match." - Cole on The Undertaker's first ever Biker Chain match.

"And they make me want to hurt someone you know because I like doing that" - Brock Lesnar on His Heelish Philosophy.

DVD of the Week The Office - Season One Amazing, British and hilarious! Much like "Coupling" the American version is coming soon. Hallelujah! Also the finale of "Dawsons Creek (Click here to read Burgan's review.) Apparently the adventures of Dawson and Pacey are more important then the McMahon's! Scandalous!

CD of the Week (non-OutKast version) Strike Anywhere!

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: Da Burgan, The Supreme Seth Berger, Mark Lynn Baker, Matt Allison, Brendan Kelly, Bronson Pinchot, Gordon Schumway, The Wisconsin Dream, JG, JB, "C-Sexy" Jason Williams, "Hot Dog Boil & The Greatest Polish Def Leppard Fan Known To Man" Kahl

***Keith "Derek Burgan Wannabee" Lipinski writes "Strap On, Strap Off" and his own "Lipinski Lounge" weekly, so you don't have to. He also is a contributor to gumgod.com! He can be reached at keith@gumgod.com or klipinski@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions and hugs.

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