Derek Burgan, Torch Ring Rat Pimp

WWE Smackdown review
October 9, 2003
Taped sometime before today at the former home of the Whalers
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Angle and Cena in a Battle Rap! And the WWE sets a new low for humor…. (which I think I wrote last week as well)

Hope you enjoyed the brief intermission. You can actually thank former Torch Scribe mark madden for the recent video game fetish. While it’s been years since I’ve actually played any games with regularity, Mark made a post of the Torch VIP message boards saying that I did. Don’t try to figure it out, you can’t. I guess even I can’t be that mad since it’s one of the god damn few posts he makes that isn’t talking about himself ad nauseum. Be prepared though, in two weeks we will debut a game on gumgod that is so shocking and controversial that it can’t be seen on the Torch.

***Tazz is in the ring for the Rap Battle contest. Cena and Angle come down and the Doctor of Thuganomics is given the first shot…

You want to battle? I refuse to get ripped
You little bitch, you couldn’t wrap a Christmas gift
You’re not All American Kurt, you wore out the gimmick
You couldn’t win a bronze medal in the Special Olympics
I’m the dirty America, look in my eyes, I’m right here
You’re the American Dream? Well I’m America’s nightmare
I’m just a punk, pissing off more people than crank calls
Hope you got your 3 I’s Kurt, cause you got no balls
And when God was handing out brains, it’s obvious you didn’t get none
I’m usually throwing up 2 fingers, but you’re special, you get one (flips Kurt off)
So hit this cat’s music, so the fans can say “You Suck” too
This finger doesn’t mean you're #1 Kurt, it means I’m saying F--- you

Kurt didn’t take kindly to this, but admitted he couldn’t rap. Not without the Human Beat Box! So he decided to tell a story instead.

There once was a kid who liked to talk a lot of smack
He’s whiter than me, but he thinks that he’s black
And the kid thinks that he’s the kind of talking trash
Until the one day he bumped heads with the king of kicking ass
He had a secret weapon. He liked to use a steel chain
I’ll shove it straight up your ass if you use it again
He can’t run. He can’t hide. It doesn’t even matter if he’s rappin’
Because at No Mercy when I get my hands on him, his bitch ass WILL be tappin’
And let me tell you the real reason why I’m out here tonight
I didn’t come out here to rap. I came out here to fight!

Angle jumps Cena and it’s on! Cena got the advantage by hitting Angle with the microphone, but his F-U was reversed into the Three Straight Germans! WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(4) Shannon Moore (w/The Sensei of Mattitude) beat Zach Gowen. The finish came when Matt tripped Zach off the top rope, and Shannon used that advantage to hit the MOOREGASM!

Heat Index: Now it can truly be said, THIS MATCH HAD IT ALL. Two guys I like (Moore and Gowen, although Gowen’s heel promo last week now makes NO SENSE AT ALL) and Matt on commentary. As usual, Hardy was pure gold on the microphone. His Matt Facts were great as well, “Matt is afraid to eat alone in public” and “Matt likes portabella mushrooms” I’ll tell you what I don’t like, Papa John’s Pizza. I was all jazzed seeing their ads come into the gym and picked up a ton of stuff on Football Sunday. Large Cheese, breadsticks, Cinnapie. The works.

First off, the pizza SUCKS. And I love just about any pizza, so it’s not like I’m picky. The breadsticks were good, and so was the Cinnapie, despite the fact that it looked like it was made in an Easy-Bake oven. Could the serving size get any smaller? F Papa Johns! When I worked at Domino’s back in the day, I really wanted a Papa John’s to come up here to New Hampshire because I heard so much about them from my friends in Florida. Well, I found out something the hard way. My friends are idiots.

Where were we? Oh yeah, the match had a great part where Zach was sitting down leaning against the turnbuckles and Shannon grabbed his leg and flipped him around. A full 360 degrees! SWEET! This came after Gowen took a bump into the corner in which he got bent into a pretzel. I don’t care what Torch Video Game Guy Peter Zed says, I like Zach Gowen.

JOB Failure: Why yes, I am considering dropping my subscriptions to wrestling dirtsheets so that I can get The World’s GREATEST Magazine Ever, Esquire. Why do you ask? And after clicking that, wouldn’t you do the same?

Kayfabe Factor: Did I just write that Shannon AllThatAnd More WON A MATCH on Smackdown? Clearly, the day of me marrying Britney Spears is closer than I thought!

And I promise no more Britney Spears links. Well, AFTER THIS ONE~! I know what you are thinking, and thank you gifts can be bought from my Amazon.com wishlist.

***Big Evil was shown coming out of Stephanie’s office looking smug.

***I swear to God what came next recapped the opening segment in its entirety. Even the bad delivery by Linda on that horrible zinger to Sable. THIS IS A TAPED SHOW!!

(5) A-Train, yes THAT A-Train, & The Basham Bros (w/o That THING They Call Shaniqua) beat The A.P.A. (w/o Butler) & Chris Benoit. The finish came as A-Train hit Benoit with the Train Wreck.

Heat Index: I really liked how Shaniqua wasn’t at ringside. I was all geared up to totally go off on her not selling that devastating Clothesline from Hell last week. I was wrong. Let’s give a little props to the WWE.

JOB Failure: Now the big selling point here was that the Basham’s attacked Farooq before the match and he was attended to by the Trainers the whole time. Apparently it is IMPOSSIBLE to get heat on Bradshaw. ”I don’t care whose dick you’re sucking. Whose cousin you are. I’ll have your job!” - Glengarry Glenn Ross Seriously, who does Bradshaw have pictures of?

Kayfabe Factor: Aight, I have gotten quite a few emails from readers who take umbrage to my thoughts on Shaniqua. So allow me to explain them in detail. The gimmick that Shaniqua has is the Worst Gimmick In the World, FOR HER. It is an absolutely GREAT gimmick. Give that gimmick to Sable, to Jackie Gayda or Alexis Larree, and I have no doubt the Bashams would right now be one of the top teams in the WWE. The gimmick that Linda Miles (Shaniqua) should have gotten was a pledge member of Team Suck Squad. She has the athletic background. She comes across like an athlete and being around Haas and Benjamin would get her over.

Instead, she is given a gimmick that can only get over with a HOT BABE. And Linda Miles is NOT A HOT BABE. At least not in the sense that the WWE has trained me, and the rest of the viewers, of what a HOT BABE looks like over the past 20 years. Right or wrong, that’s not up to me to decide, but that’s the way it is. Whether it be Sunny, Sable, Trish Stratus, Terri, Torrie Wilson or place-your-name-here, they all have the exact same qualities. You can’t spend 10 years telling me to react to one type of woman being beautiful, and ONLY THAT TYPE OF WOMAN (don’t forget Lawler’s harping on Molly Holly), and expect me to just accept something else.

Want to know one of the biggest reasons that the movie The Hulk bombed this summer? Because it was sold as a comic-book film. And it had the first weekend audience of people who know comic-book films as being like X-Men and Spider-man. Hulk was NOT a comic-book film like that. It was a drama with a comic book character. The fans felt ripped off, and stayed away in droves. Korn puts out album after album of almost the same shit, and it sells like hotcakes. Their new album was NOTHING like “Issues”, and guess what, it bombed. I’m the biggest defender of the Star Wars: Special Editions you will find, but even I thought the ‘Greedo Shoots First’ scene was bullshit. Why? Because after all these years we’ve be taught certain things about Han Solo, all of it does not jibe with a guy who would just sit there and let a boob like that take a shot at him. When the door opened in Cloud City to reveal Darth Vader, Han Solo reacted. THAT’S Han Solo.

So that’s my problem with Shaniqua. The character is wrong for her, and you can tell even she is uncomfortable out there. It doesn’t help that she is ruining two wrestlers who I had the highest of hopes for after reading review after laudatory review from the Net and Figure Four Weekly.

WOAH! I can’t believe I just watched What I Think I Just Watched! Nice to see someone from New Hampshire doing something creative with their life (Editor’s Note: A refreshing change of pace I might add.) Did I ever mention I hate the New York Yankees more than any other professional sports team? That includes the Colorado Avalanche, and if you knew me, you would know that’s saying something. I’m so glad that Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe did the Crotch Chop last week, he’s become my favorite pitcher. He replaces Mike Mussina, and with that, every reason I could even stand to tolerate the Yankees. Hey Big Stein…SUCK IT!

Reason #764 to order the PWTorch: to read stuff like this in the WWE Newswire: “When WWE officials showed interest in Simon Diamond and Johnny Swinger, Johnny Ace (who works under Jim Ross in talent relations) let the duo know he had talked to the creative team about them. Ace claimed creative couldn't make up their minds about signing Simon & Swinger before the deadline came for the NWA Tag Champions to sign their TNA contracts. Meanwhile, writer Dave Lagana let the duo know that he was very interested in signing them, but said he doesn't have the power to sign talent, Ace does. They ended up signing with TNA after all…” And people wonder why I think Johnny Ace is the BIGGEST MORON ON EARTH. The new issue of the Torch also continues the amazing interview with Raven, so start ponying up the money you cheap bastards!

(6) Brock Lesnar beat Paul London (w/o his ring rat) The finish came after London was totally squashed, Velocity Hell style, and polished off with the F5.

Heat Index: While it was great to see Spanky come down to make the save after the match, it kinda shows you how botched up he has been since it was obvious that NO ONE CARED. His pop should have been through the roof. Instead, you heard crickets chirping. Damn! Why? Besides his goofy booking before his destruction at the hands of Brock, NOTHING was done to get people prepared for his comeback. I hope that Spanky and Paul London form a new tag team that becomes this generation's Hardy Boyz, but will have to ask Torch Velocity Hell guy Dusty Gibrink that, because I know they’ll be buried on this show.

JOB Failure: Well, I’m no writing genius, but I could probably think of better ways to get a new guy over than looking like a complete loser in his first show. And Get This, Taker came down after Spanky got killed and said his match with Brock was now a Biker Chain Match and we apparently were supposed to give a shit, despite Taker not using a chain for the last 10 years. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Kayfabe Factor: I think I figured out how the Red Sox got out from under the Curse of the Bambino. It’s been transferred over to me. Here’s a story from this week. Do you know those football cards you can gamble on? The ones that have like 50 games and you circle the numbers? Pick 4 teams and you get 10-1 odds, etc? For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about I don’t know how to explain it better, just accept the fact that for those of us that do play them, it’s one of the rare things that makes life worth living. Anyhoo, at work I help a person with those and in return get a free card. Well this week, after I had handed them all in, I got three back from people who were late. The person I was supposed to hand them to left early. So I had the cards. I thought, “No big deal. These people don’t know anything about football and will never win anyway.” It’s not like it was for the money because we were only talking about $15 here. Well, lo and behold, one of them HIT. I should have known.

Hopefully you noticed the Main Page today as the Head Honcho introduced a daily Trivia Question. Those In The Know report that Wade is also interested in creating a wrestling based comic strip called Cheap Shots! and will be scouring the world trying to find anyone smarter than Johnny Ace. (Editor's Note: If it's on MY site it becomes MY idea. It says ©TDH at the bottom Derek. You're not TDH, you're DJB. Actually, You're S-O-L. WHHHOOOOOOOOO!)

Why Cheap Shots?! Well, because Cheap Heat was already taken. Here at the House of Ideas known as Smackdown Express, creativity is a business running 24/7. Unfortunately, like all businesses, we have to accept the problem of shoplifting as a 'time honored tradition.' At Express HQ, we think of ourselves as the OVW of the Internet Wrestling Community. We spend months creating and developing raw talent, only to see our babies taken from us and invariably ruined. Oh well, whatcha' gonna do? We still think Jim Cornette is crazy, but at least we have an understanding as to why he's so damn angry.

Top 5 Things Stolen from Derek Burgan

5. My Patience. And you are all to blame for this one. After years of being behind morons who don’t know how to drive and people who wait until all their groceries are scanned in before even getting out their checkbook, my patience for my fellow man is all but gone. If I have to look at another asshole with their cellphone in the gym (“who the F--- are you that you are so important that you can’t go 30 minutes without a phone call?!”), another overweight girl who insists on wearing a belly shirt or some jackass who won’t stop talking while I’m at the movie theatre it will be too soon.

4. Cheap Heat: I'll give artist Brad Smoley the benefit of the doubt as that name was something I was considering as well many moons ago. What makes this bad is that Kyle Maxwell introduced me to the Main Man of OO.com, Rick Scia, and I pitched him my idea of Cheap Pops! He passed it over, only to introduce his own version after seeing the success Cheap Pops! has had at the Torch?! Online Onslaught is a decent site, I think Kyle Maxwell is friggin' great, Jeb Lund is a terrific writer, and I think Brad Smoley has some excellent art talent. But RICK SCAIA CAN KISS MY ASS! Sometimes I can’t STAND this industry at all.

3. My Sense Of Justice: This was taken back in my Freshman year of college. My crew was having a full blown Madden 93 tournament on the Sega Genesis. This was serious stuff here kids, seedings and everything, the whole nine yards. We even had a group of officials for each game. This lasted for days. Somehow, the group consisting of wrestling fans and sports video game junkies didn't have girlfriends to take away from this time, go figure. Anyway, my friend Pierce Knoll, he of Burgan's Barnacles fame, was already in the Championship game and the last slot was going to winner of a game between me and another kid. The game was a back and forth battle with me getting a one point lead going into the last play. The kid had his team on their own 20 yard line so he throws the Hail Mary for an incomplete pass. Only the game called PASS INTERFERENCE, as it was wont to do, even though replays showed nothing of the sort happened.

Well, the fix was in.

One of the officials was the kids best friend, and he voted for the Pass Interference Bullshit. The other called it No Pass Interference (you could overrule the penalties in the game). So it came down to, Guess Who, that's right, Pierce Knoll, who knew I had the only team that could beat him. He ruled Pass Interference, which allowed the kid to kick a Field Goal to beat me. The next game had Pierce smoking the kid in a shutout. It's been 12 years since that game and I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

2. My Innocence. The year 1989 and I was the world's biggest basketball fan. I watched it as much as I could. I played at school. I played outside. I saved up all my money to buy a Boston Celtics Danny Ainge replica jersey. Then the bomb dropped. I heard on the radio, soon confirmed by TV, that Danny Ainge was traded to the Sacramento Kings for two stiffs, Ed Kleine and Ed Pickney. I thought it was a rib. I actually CALLED the radio station, hoping I misheard the news. Nope. I was crushed. This was before I knew about contracts and stuff behind the scenes. I was just a fan. I felt betrayed. I lost all interest I had in basketball and to this day could care less about the Boston Celtics, a team I would have sold my soul for a decade and a half ago. In the last couple years I have started to get interested at least in watching games again thanks to the exciting play of teams such as Dallas and Sacramento (how ironic), but things will never be the same.

1.My Faith in my Fellow Man. When I read the news and see that crap I mentioned before about Rush Limbaugh, Californians electing Arnold Swartzneggar because he’s famous, environmental laws being slashed, animals being abused, kids selling themselves on the streets and maybe most depressingly, that Peter Angelos still owns the Baltimore Orioles, I have accepted the Stone Cold philosophy of DTA baby, don’t trust anybody. That’s why I carry my personal bottle of v2.1 approved Jerk Repellant with me at all times.

***Josh Matthews was now interviewing Chavito, who was mad as hell and he wants the Big Show.

***I’m sorry, but I’m gonna speed up the ending of this because it was so dumb. Chavo in the ring, calls out Big Show (who is now wearing one of those Big Show Ugly Suits). Chavo, who is supposed to be cool, actually squawks like a chicken. This gets Big Show down. Yes, I’m officially 5 years old now. Big Show gets in, Chavo gets out. Eddie Guererro comes down in a Septic Tank Truck. This was a cool visual with Eddie on top of the truck, I’ll hand them that.

Show ends with Eddie giving his version of Stone Cold’s Beer Bath and Kurt Angle’s Milk Bath. The Latino Heat Shit Bath is born. As dumb as it sounds.

”Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?” I can’t accurately grade this show as I was going back and forth with the Red Sox game and the Detroit Red Wings game on ESPN. Will someone tell me why I can see 9 Red Wings games a year and 8 of them are on when Smackdown is on?! But parts of this show were HORRIBLE and what they are doing to Eddie Guererro borders on criminal.

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”You know, things have always been bizarre with the McMahons.” - The Linda McMahon Robot, with the understatement of the year

”You’re forcing me like your mother forced me to sire another child years ago.” - Vincent KENNEDY McMahon, to his daughter Stephanie

”I’m not afraid of the Big Bad Wolf, much less my daughter, much less in an I-Quit match at No Mercy.” - The Higher Power

”Only Vince McMahon would put Sable in front of Linda McMahon and his daughter.” - Not so fast Mitchell Cole! I would make that call as well.

”When I wrestled Tajiri, sometimes I would block those kicks with my face!” - Tazz

”No disrespect to Chuck Palumbo, but Chuck Palumbo is no Brock Lesnar.” - Tazz, channeling former Democratic Vice President candidate Lloyd Bentson

”Imagine that, Paul London, WWE Champion. It has a nice ring to it.” - Vince McMahon, with words that will fill ROH fans hearts with glee

”If he’s gonna try to attack me, I can guarantee it’s going to get stinky around here.” - Eddie Guererro. First “Boo Boo Face” in the Torch last week and now “stinky” on Smackdown. Why do I feel like I’m 5 years old?

”Kurt Angle’s got about as much street cred as Michael Cole.” - John Cena

”Matt Hardy has been here 5 years and there has never been a video package on Version One. Is that fair?” - The Sensei of Mattitude, after seeing Zach Gowen’s video package

”Zach Gowen is favoring his broken leg.” - Tazz (you can’t make stuff like this up)

”I may be going out on a limb here, one limb specifically, but Zach Gowen is not as good a wrestler as Shannon Moore.” - Matt Hardy v1.0 (ZING!)

”You’ve always been nice to me and I’m shorter than you.” - Tazz, confirming Hardy’s comment that he likes people shorter than him, fatter than him, etc..

”What the hell is a Biker Chain Match?!” - Michael Cole

”Oh, you’re going out tonight? Where are you going? A used car lot?” - Chavito, making a subtle comment on Big Show’s suit

”Cousin Chewy, the deaf one. That’s sad.” - Tazz. Now this was hilarious because you have to picture it. Chewy was driving the sewage truck and Eddie was on top telling him to “wave hello to the Big Show, Chewy.” But the guy in the truck just sat there like a zombie. Tazz saved the day with the line of the year.

”You put that hose in the ground and it sucks up all the Ca-Ca, if you know what I mean.” - Latino Heat, using a term for shit that makes “Boo Boo Face” sound cool

”I can smell that truck from here Cole, at first I thought it was your cologne.” - Tazz

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

BUT FIRST! DEAR LORD! What in the BLUE BLAZES is this?! There ya go, a special bonus for all the v2.1’ers who take the time to read these damn quotes….

”So I was watching a documentary on how they make a football. They were stretching the leather and stitching it and then I realized it was Joan Rivers on Extreme Makeover.” - Craig Killborn

”On talk radio, they have been comparing Clinton and Schwarzenegger. What's the difference between the Clinton women and the Schwarzenegger women. Oh I'll tell you the difference, about 200 pounds'” - Jay Leno

”A guy living in a studio apartment ... has a 400 pound tiger, and what do you need to go with a 400 pound tiger? An alligator. ... The cops were tipped off by the parrot.” – David Letterman

”Less than a week and the election will be over, the recall behind us. The most embarrassing thing about California once again will be the San Diego Chargers ” – Jay Leno (now THAT’S cold!)

”Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs said he will compete in the New York City Marathon in hopes of
raising one million dollars for educational charities. Combs doesn't expect to make good time in the race, because it is hard when you have Ashton Kutcher up your ass the whole time"” - Jay Leno

”Later this month, when President Bush visits Thailand, for security reasons, the food served to the president will be tested first by a mouse. The hardest part is finding a mouse that likes Count Chocula” - Conan O’Brien

” How many people saw Arnold's speech last night? I haven't seen that many Kennedys in one place since their last trial.” - David Letterman (ZING!)

TOP TEN ITEMS ON RUSH LIMBAUGH'S TO-DO LIST
10. Apologize for racist remarks by explaining he was high on illegal painkillers.
9. Pat down friends and family to see who's wearing a wire.
8. Announce his candidacy for governor of California.
7. End pill addiction -- get back to sandwich addiction.
6. Search desperately for some way to blame the Clintons.
5. Make moves on soon-to-be-single Halle Berry.
4. Tell Donovan McNabb derogatory remarks were part of new season of "Punk'd."
3. Brunch with Robert Downey Jr.
2. Dinner with Trent Lott.
1. Check job listings for pompous blowhard

DVD of the Week Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (click and read my review) Talk about loaded with stars!

And don’t forget to pick up: The Matrix Reloaded (Widescreen Edition) and Wrong Turn (God DAMN is Eliza Dushku HOT)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, Crazy Torch Confidential Guy Scott Paris, Miss FOM Ellen Cohen, The Hebrew Hammer Scott Epstein, Brian ‘The Brain’ Schumde, and the invaluable, the incomparable, The much needed Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at Derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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