PWTorch.com - 10/2 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

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10/2 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

Oct 2, 2003 - 10:28:00 PM

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Derek Burgan, Torch Ring Rat Pimp

WWE Smackdown review
October 2, 2003
Taped sometime before today in CheeseHead country
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don�t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Brock, Angle and Cena in the Main Event! And the WWE sets a new low for humor�.

Before we continue, can anyone tell me how the Vince/Stephanie storyline makes ANY SENSE AT ALL? Is there a reason Vince needs Steph to cancel the Taker/Brock match? If he can make any match he wants, why can�t he change it himself?

***Alright, Get This, Big Show is backstage and a Mexican delivering food for Eddie comes by. You know he�s Mexican because he�s as stereotypical as you could possibly be. I�m surprised the WWE didn�t try and get Cheech & Chong for this one. Anyhoo, Show grabs the food and spits in one of the burritos. Show says to take that one to Eddie and then the Big Show went to eat the rest of the burritos. This was funny in one way because the Mexican said they were wrapped tight to prevent �freezer burn� and Show alluded that they would never make it to the freezer around him. I guess joking you are big and fat is ONE way to get over a monster. Not the way I would do it though.

(4) Tajiri beat Billy Kidman to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Title. The finish came after Tajiri did a wicked mule kick to Kidman�s nuts, and then finished him off with that Execution Kick.

Heat Index: Oh man, just like the opening match with Los Guerreros, this ending was perfect! Billy charged Tajiri, but was hit by one of the best looking mule kicks I�ve ever seen in wrestling. Billy then went down to his knees and looked like he was bowing, so Tajiri did the most condescending bow you could imagine. It was hilarious! Damn, Tajiri the heel is 10X more entertaining than Tajiri the face. However, there were no girlish screams this week, which gets some points off. Another great spot came when Billy charged Tajiri, but the Japanese Buzzsaw flipped him over his back. Kidman landed on the second turnbuckle and immediately jumped off, right into a stiff kick! NICE! The ref did check Tajiri�s mouth for evidence of the Mist though, which was weird, but neat.

JOB Failure: Holy cow! Me Want Tajiri�s Shirt! I take back 1/32 of the things I�ve said about ShopZone. I think I will create a piece of merchandise for Bland Billy Kidman. It�s a light blue t-shirt with white block letters across the front that say, �shirt.� Send my royalty checks through the Torch Vince!

Kayfabe Factor: Special guest review of The Rundown by Jeremy Borash: I must say, The Rock did a fantastic job in his new movie. He really seems to be leaving the wrestling business at the right time too, as he's not the only guy from 'up north' that realizes that TNA is on a fast track to the top! I think that anyone watching the stunts could see that the stunt coordinators are big fans of TNA's exciting, and groundbreaking, X-Division. I was just waiting to see Rock and Stifler have an Ultimate X match!

And remember, those guys in New York aren't the only ones who have connections to the Hollywood elite. I don't need to remind you that Chris Rock chose TNA to feature in his smash hit 'Head of State.' Was that a sign of things to come? Well, just last week Scott Baio called and told me a big name in SoCal has been watching what has been going on at the Asylum, and thinks it's 'interesting.' Indeed!

Reason #764 to order the PWTorch: to read quotes like this in the TNA Newswire. "America's Most Wanted have the repuation for "boo boo facing" whenever they are scheduled to lose matches. Wrestlers say that was certainly the case when they found out they would not be winning the three-way number one contender's match. One wrestler said the demeanor of Harris and Storm totally changed once they were told the finish of the match.� Did I read that right? BOO BOO FACING?! Kayfabe has hit an all time low. I�d put this into the Kayfabulator 5000 but I�m afraid it would explode.

(5) Orlando Jordan beat The Big Show by Countout. The finish came right away as Big Show, who was bent over during the match, walked to the back holding his ass while the ref counted him out.

Heat Index: This was embarrassing in every way possible.

JOB Failure: WTF?! Orlando Jordan has his own shirt?! And Shannon Moore doesn�t?! I�m OUTRAGED! I need to call up Torch Velocity Hell Guy Dusty Giebink and find out how long this nonsense has been going on.

Kayfabe Factor: Special guest review of The Rundown by Rush Limbaugh: I think what we've had here is a little social concern in Hollywood. The media has been very desirous that a black actor, specifically one trained in the world of muscle bound, oiled up men who pretend to hit each other, do well. There is a little hope invested in Rock, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of Sean William Scott that he didn't deserve. The villain, played masterfully by Christopher Walken, carried this movie. I graded this movie 1 and � stars and my ditto-heads agree completely. I would continue my review, pointing out all the nuances in Sean William Scott�s role, a true hero to the white community, but I really need to scour the Internet looking for illegal prescription pill dealers. It�s for an, uh, an investigation I am conducting.

***My favorite sign of the night: �White Trash� with arrows pointing everywhere. CLASSIC!

***Special Interview with Zach Gowen. Zach is coming back next week and is really sick of people feeling sorry for him. Unless (and I�m shooting here) that Zach Gowen is going to turn heel immediately, whoever scripting this promo should be fired. It did absolutely nothing for him and just made him come across like a complete jerk. Zach was also wearing a Jesus shirt, maybe he�s trying to outdo Shawn Michaels on Raw. I�m gonna design another shirt. This one�s for Zach and it says simply �My God won�t job to your God.�

***Remember that bad skit with Big Show and the Mexican delivery boy from earlier? Well that was f---ing Seinfeld in quality compared to what came next. Big Show is in the bathroom and every fart and crap sound effect that Howard Stern would be embarrassed to use began playing non-stop. Eddie comes in and basically says it was all a set up. Eddie also took the toilet paper out of the stall. Whatever. For some reason, the company�s hottest babyface was put in the middle of this shit which reminded me when the WWE lost their minds and had John Cena act like a 12 year old seeing a naked girl for the first time and slapping Steph�s ass.

(6) John Cena & Brock Lesnar beat Kurt Angle & The Undertaker. The finish came after Cena hit Angle with the chain.

Heat Index: A good main event with Cena really hanging with the big dogs. They made a hot tag for Taker become SUPER HOT by teasing it for so long. Damn, can Angle take a beating or what? After the match Big Evil gave Brock a chokeslam through the announcer�s desk in a fantastic visual.

JOB Failure: I just can�t believe that Taker versus Brock is in the main spot again!

Kayfabe Factor: Special guest review of The Rundown by Wade Keller: Rock did a tremendous job in his new movie, The Rundown, as he did in the much-flimsier, but still entertaining, Scorpion King. But, I still couldn't get that feeling out of my head that another charismatic superstar probably should have been pegged for blockbuster movie success a little more than Rock. And after watching his performance on Smackdown tonight, now I'm absolutely sure of it.

The A-Train is A-list material all the way. He was nothing short of amazing tonight during his run-in against Chris Benoit. As much as one Derek Burgan may like to poke fun at my support of the former Prince Albert -- insinuating that it may be clinically unhealthy -- the fact of the matter is, A-Train has that special something. He's blessed with the type of commanding presence that fills the viewer at home with a feeling unlike they've never felt before. He exudes a charisma that draws you in and says, "Damn it, you're coming with me on this crazy madcap ride. And where we'll end up, God only knows." Last week, I thoroughly broke down Rock's performance on The Late Show with David Letterman, and thought he did an admirable job worthy of *** 1/2. Putting the much more glib A-Train in the same position, would have easily resulted in a performance worthy of ************* 3/4 stars, with the only deficiency possibly being the shine of his personality being too much for the average mainstream viewer to bear.

�Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?� I wasn�t actually looking forward to this show after working on the Spoilers, but it wasn�t bad. The Vince/Steph and Big Show stuff was as bad as the Al Wilson angle, but the wrestling was great. Tajiri worked like a mofo. The Main Event was intense and Benoit versus Charlie was good until that Hairy Ape came in to ruin it . I also liked how the show started right off with the US Title match. And before I go, don�t get me wrong. I�m not one of these guys that thinks there needs to be more wrestling and less skits. The skits just need to be better. I can�t see how the people involved in the ones tonight aren�t ashamed of themselves. Put some God Damn self respect into your work guys.

Seriously, is Spanky dead?

�Tell me he didn�t just say that ?!� (Quotes of the Night)

�I should change my name to Guerrero. Tazz Guerrero.� - Tazz, considering a name change

�Unless Eddie has lower ribs than anyone else, but I don�t so.� - Tazz, trying to figure out how come we couldn�t see Eddie�s ribs taped up ala DDP.

�I tip my hat to Eddie for kicking out of the Side Effect. Even though you and I don�t wear hats.� - Tazz

�In Mexico there�s no hockey teams either.� - Tazz, talking about Eddie�s ribs not being taped up �It�s a figure of speech!� � Tazz, explaining what he meant. (You can�t make this shit up�)

�I�m expecting nothing less than greatness.� - SOME FAN, on his thoughts of WrestleMania next year.

�Dope rhymes? You got street cred dawg!� - John Cena, patronizing Josh Matthews

�I don�t like your kind.� - Big Show, to Eddie Guerrero

�Shaniqua with that cat o� nine tails that Michael Cole bought her for Christmas.� - Tazz

�Okay. You know what it�s called�� - Cole, with the ZING!

�Trying to talk to these guys (the Bashams) is like trying to talk to the barrier outside the ring.� - Cole, refuting EVERYTHING I have EVER READ about Damja and Doug Basham being GREAT behind the mic

�Yeah, the orange sunglasses make you look normal.� - Cole

�I�m wearing sunglasses?� - Tazz, with the greatest response of All Time.

�Benoit can get that Crossface on an ordinary man, but look at me Cole, I�m NOT an ordinary man!� - A-Train, and he�s right, in fact he barely qualifies as a homo-sapien

�That�s like TWO Michael Coles!� - Tazz, after A-Train said he outweighed Benoit by �150 lbs�

�� - This was the silence by A-Train after several comments by Tazz. Remember kids, this is a TAPED SHOW!

�A great big man will beat a great little man every time!� - A-Train, with a line that makes dedicated v2.1�er Will Reynolds grin from ear to friggin� ear

�You give me leverage and I can break a man.� - A-Train, with a line that I think was cribbed from HBO�s Oz

�You people know a lot about quitting. Each of you quit every day.� - Vincent KENNEDY McMahon, to the fans

�Go do what you do best, go back to the men�s locker room and lay flat on your back!� - Stephanie McMahon, to Sable

�That�s your daughter damn it!� - Michael Cole, channeling Jim Ross, calling Vince�s slam of Steph

�The Undertaker! The conscience of the WWE!� - Cole (oh Puh-lease)

�When I was a champ I had an attitude, believe me.� - Tazz, defending the �new� Tajiri

�He�s the owner of the company, show some respect.� - Tazz, talking to Michael Cole, but probably words I myself should heed (Editor�s Note: you can BeLee Dat!)

�It sounds like something crawled up inside you and died.� - Eddie Guerrero, to Big Show (So, THAT�S where Ultimo Dragon went�)

�What are you gonna do to wipe your ass?� - Eddie Guerrero, to the Big Show, in a line I never thought I would hear on Smackdown in a Million years.

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

�How can you tell if an Iranian women is going steady?Her boyfriend�s initials are carved in the hair on her back.� - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

�According to a new survey, Americans are having sex an average of 20 times less than one year ago. Experts blame the war in Iraq and Christina Aguilera touring in Europe� - Conan O�Brien

�After Lockheed Martin named its new seaship 'The Sea Blade,' Navy officials said it sounded too gay, ... If the Navy is worried about things sounding too gay, how about getting rid of the rank of 'rear admiral?'� - Jay Leno

�Yesterday New York lawmakers passed a new bill that will fine non-athletes $5,000 for going onto the field during pro-sporting events. As a result, the first people expected to be fined are the New York Jets..� � Conan O�Brien

�A guy goes into a Popeye's chicken restaurant and orders the chicken dinner and finds a mouse in his chicken dinner. The customer became suspicious because the dinner had more meat in it than usual. � � David Letterman

�President Bush spoke to the United Nations yesterday and it didn't go well. Many of its members accused him of unilateralism. Bush was angry when he heard this and even angrier when once he knew what it meant.� - Conan O�Brien

�One of the guys from 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' is secretly dating a woman. Do you know who I feel bad for? All the little gay kids that looked up to him� - Craig Kilborn (actually, this one took me a second to get. YOWZA!)

DVD of the Week Bride of the Re-Animator! (click and read my review) I�ll tell you what though, Sam Raimi could have done a REALLY cool version of this movie.

And don�t forget to pick up: Disney's Lion King (Special Platinum Edition) (THIS IS A MUST BUY) and The Italian Job (Dog Mark Wahlberg all you want, he�s made some good films.)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, �The Celtan of Swat� Celian Varini, Torch Confidential Guy Scott Paris, the Enforcer Ethan Coyle, and the invaluable, the incomparable, The much needed Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at DerekBurgan@comcast.net and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.