WWE Velocity review
September 27, 2003
Taped 09/23/03 in Philadelphia, Penn.
Aired on Spike TV
By Dusty Giebink, Torch Team Contributor

The opening montage (in part featuring a certain individual who doesn't even watch this show) airs, and Josh Matthews and Tazz welcome us to tonight's show. We are in the midst of the third WWE championship era of Black Lester. We will be treated later in the show to news of Lester's first title defense.

(1) Billy Kidman defeated Nunzio.

Match Analysis: Tazz points out that a big difference between Lesnar's first two title reigns and this one is the fact that Lester now has Vince McMahon guiding his career. So like, having Paul Heyman with him meant nothing. Doing it on his own meant nothing. He can only reach true greatness with a McMahon by his side. How typical of the current state of things in the WWE. Oh yeah, there's a match going on! Kidman hits a huracanrana. Kidman charges at Nunzio, but the F.B.I. member ducks and Kidman goes sailing to the outside. It's not a disqualification in this case, as the referee ruled that it was Kidman's momentum that sent him sailing to the outside, and not Nunzio himself. Nunzio slams Kidman's back into the guardrail on the outside, and gets a two. Tazz does some useless bickering at the expense of Matthews. Just get along, sheesh.

Nunzio applies a rear chinlock and yells out to the crowd that Kidman has "no shot."Shades of Sid~! Kidman hits a nice dropkick, but he's too hurt to capitalize, in one of those great wrestling clichÈs I love so. Kidman hits a combination Death Valley Driver into a neckbreaker for two. Nunzio hits a big clothesline off the second for two. Kidman hits a reverse BK Billy Kidman Burger King Bad Klingon Bomb for two. Nunzio hits a DDT for two. Kidman hits a nice enzuigiri. He follows up by hitting the Shooting Star Press for the victory.

Match Grade: B+. Good cruiserweight action. Solid execution, and some excellent athleticism. Velocity is the exclusive home for cruiserweight action, you know. And I would be remiss to not mention Sean Radican.

Last Monday in Washington, D.C. at the National Press Center, Vince McMahon announced the formation of a "championship tag team combination,"wrestling and hip hop, to join together to get young people into politics. I know I'm sure getting into politics. I want to start my political party, making myself the king and thus ruling over all you peasants. Just kidding. But Velocity sure does Rule (with a capital "r"for emphasis)~!

Last Thursday on Smackdown, Eddie Guerrero had his bizack against the wall. He and Chavo had to defend the tag team titles against the dangerous duo of Shannon Moore & Matt Hardy. The Guerreros hit a combination back suplex/EG frog splash to put Moore away and retain their titles. Matt Hardy, in one of those great displays of sportsmanship that we need to see more of, lays Eddie out after the match. Remember a few sentences ago, when I said Guerrero had his bizack against the wall? Well, this is because not only did he have to go through all of that, but he also had to defend his United States Television Cornette Cup championship against Charlie Haas. During a commercial break after the tag title match, Haas jumps Eddie and applies the Haas of Pain on him. Later in the show, as Eddie is walking to the ring, he walks past Big Show, who jumps him from behind before the match with Haas. If this is setting up a Guerrero vs. Show match, I would be only slightly less pleased than the first time Claire Danes graced my television screen. Late in the match, Haas applies the Haas of Pain, and Eddie somehow manages to flip himself out of it. Haas attempts to bring the U.S. title belt into the ring, and that only serves to seal his fate. Haas accidentally knocks the ref down, I guess, in a stupid spot, giving Eddie enough time to drape the belt across the turnbuckles. Haas charges, because he's a heel, Eddie moves, and Haas goes crashing into the belt. This allows Guerrero to get the win and retain his title. Eddie Guerrero, against all odds, a fighting champion.

Segment Grade: A-. I'm downgrading this, in part, because they fooled me. I thought for sure, because Guerrero holds two title belts, that he was going to lose one here. I still think he's going to lose the U.S. Title sooner rather than later, but not to Charlie Haas. Perhaps to Big Show. And I would be remiss to not mention Scott Paris.

(2) Sean O'Haire defeated Crowbar.

Match Analysis: That's right, WCW fans. The infamous Crowbar, back once again. He certainly won't be allowed to do some dangerous stunt in this match, as for one its on Velocity, and for another, that would still Shane McIntensity's heat. Wouldn't want that. Tazz baits Matthews into this inane, completely useless filibuster about how he once fought Devon Storm, but Storm wasn't going by the name "Crowbar"at the time. I don't care, he's still the same guy. O'Haire is the coolest looking person in wrestling, and has the coolest theme song as well. Please push him to the moon, WWE. Please.

They trade maneuvers, and O'Haire applies a leg scissors. Everything he does looks so believable. Big time chops by O'Haire. Crowbar returns the favor, and hits a dropkick for two. O'Haire hits a big time clothesline. Tazz points out that Crowbar is very religious, as he has holes in his pants. Holy. Ha HA! O'Haire applies a Fujiwara armbar. O'Haire drives some knees into Crowbar's sternum in a match I would nothing is happening in if O'Haire wasn't in it. O'Haire locks in a modified armbar. O'Haire hits a full body slam~! O'Haire hits an inverted Death Valley Driver for the victory.

Match Grade: C. Being generous, of course, because the future main eventer was in there. If O'Haire is consistently used in this fashion, until WWE decides they want to get behind him for real, then all is well. And I would be remiss to not mention Peter Nyman. No reasons, no questions asked.

(3) Ultimo Dragon & Funaki defeated Joey Mathews & Jason Picaro.

Match Analysis: Since my suggestion, my urging, my outright begging of WWE to heavily push Sean O'Haire has been received so well received, I'm now going to make another suggestion: WWE should sign Joey Mathews. Hey, they listened to my boy (cheap mention in a minute) about signing Jimmy Yang. Why can't they listen to me? Because I'm useless, I know. Mathews and Dragon exchange some nice chops. Dragon hits some nice kicks and gets a two. Funaki hits one of those dropkicks to the face on Picaro for two. I love those. Picaro, or however you want to spell the name that WWE couldn't be bothered to make a graphic for, kind of looks like Robert Gibson, which is to say WWE won't give him a second look. Funaki gets a backslide for two. I want that move to finish at least one match sometime in the very near future, so as people can take it seriously as a finisher and thus react to nearfalls with it. Presently, no one buys it as having a chance to finish a match. Funaki hits a nice bulldog, but can he make the tag!? He does, and Dragon is on 12 different kinds of fire on JP. And then on the running in Mathews. Dragon hits a springboard moonsault. A German suplex gets two, and Mathews breaks it up. This brings in Funaki, who hits a crossbody to the outside on Mathews. Too much action to call. Dragon hits what Matthews calls the Asai DDT (good enough to be a great name for a great move) to get the victory.

Match Grade: B+. I don't care if this was a "jobber match."It really wasn't. It was just as good, if not better, than the opening match. I loved it. I liked it even more because it was a tag team match, and I'm quite a mark for those. And I would be remiss to not mention the great prognosticator, Jeremy Maes. Jeremy, they listen to you. Fight for O'Haire for me.

From last Thursday's Smackdown, Brock Lesnar and Mr. McMahon are in the ring. Undertaker comes out on his scooter and puts the bad mouth to Lesnar. He doesn't forget, and he doesn't forgive. Funny, I thought the older you get, the more you forget. He's about as old as possible, so he must have amazing superhero powers. Undertaker advocates Lesnar sleeping with the title or something, because his first title defense will be against him. What!? Lesnar has a "date with the Dead Man."Sounds like a cheap date. Mr. McMahon pipes in, asking on who's authority does Undertaker make that match. Fast forward to Stephanie McUseless saying it would be "on her authority."Sheesh, how many people have political power on this show. I was waiting for Funaki to demand a title shot against Eddie Guerrero, Eddie questioning Funaki's authority, and then Orlando Jordan coming out to say it would be on his authority. Blah blah blah in the ring, by the way, making what I just typed all the more entertaining. McMahon makes a Father-Daughter match for him against Stephanie. Who in their right mind would believe anyone in their right mind would want to see that? Lesnar jumps Undertaker, but Undertaker is superhuman, remember, and hits a chokeslam. I hope that means Lesnar goes over in the title match.

Segment Grade: C. Who wants to see Mr. McMahon against Stephanie? Who wants to see Undertaker get another title push? Some, perhaps not many. Not enough to make those matches worthwhile.

This coming week on Smackdown, we will hear from Zach Gowen. So, we're going to hear from Gowen before we hear from Spanky, who I'm pretty sure Lesnar laid out first. Good Lord, Spanky might really be dead!

A short preview thingie airs hyping Rock's new movie, The Rundown. I hear it's good, and I plan on checking it out, perhaps even tomorrow, as opposed to watching players on my fantasy team stink up the joint.

(4) Rhyno defeated Orlando Jordan.

Match Analysis: Tazz points out that he was originally supposed to be on The Rundown, but turned it down due to his Smackdown announcing responsibilities, and in turn graciously allowed the Rock to take his spot. Matthews says he heard the same thing on the Internet, and they both agree that it must be true then. Hey, if you read anything in my columns and show reviews, you have my 100% guarantee that everything true I say is actually true. You can take that to the bank. Jordan is all fired up on a Saturday night and hits a high crossbody on Rhyno off the top rope for two. Matthews promises we will see Jordan featured on Thursday nights in the very near future. After a few minutes of nothing special, Jordan hits a backslide for two to no heat. Rhyno wakes up the crowd with a belly-to-belly suplex. Rhyno misses the Gore and nails the second turnbuckle. Jordan hits a Tito Santana flying forearm and a nice dropkick. Some right hands and a Johnson Shuffle gets two. Jordan catches Rhyno charging and hits a powerslam for two. Rhyno finally hits the Gore for the victory.

Match Grade: B-. Solid all around match. I actually have to argue with the booking here, as I'm not sure why Jordan winning would be such a bad thing. It wouldn't hurt Rhyno all that much, as no one is watching this anyway. And on the other hand, it would help elevate Jordan a bit, if they ever plan to seriously get behind him and feature him on Thursday nights. But a good match nonetheless, and I can't complain in that regard.

Final Show Grade: B. Yet another solid edition of what is routinely become a very good show. The addition of Tazz on commentary cannot be played up enough as one of the key elements to the overall improvement of this show. The opening match was great, and so was the tag match between Funaki & Dragon and Mathews & Picaro (or whatever), just in a different way. The only things holding this show back was the Smackdown overload of the McMahons and the Undertaker, and the O'Haire match. All in all, another good reason to be alive.

Dusty Giebink wonders if he was supposed to mention the person who likened him to a janitor in Mallory's Lounge column. He also wonders if anyone else remembers My So-Called Life with such fond memories as he does. He welcomes any questions, answers, comments, or concerns, and can be contacted at dustygiebink@yahoo.com.

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