Derek Burgan, LOUNGE escapee

WWE Smackdown review
September 25, 2003
Taped sometime before today in A.I. Country
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Eddie Guerrero in another match! And Brock is finally presented his new belt, but is interrupted by….

***Did you know that UPN was the Number One network for men aged 18-34 last week? Well now you do, because Cole went on and on about that. He also thanks the fans. Funny how they become the Number One network the week after the Mullets debut. Do I smell a conspiracy here? (And YES, that was a joke.)

I Can’t Believe I Just Saw What I Think I Just Saw! Oh man, you better have QuickTime before you check this out. Incredible! Gotta stay to the end to see the damn mascot sell a clotheline better than half of the wrestlers in the WWE. Remember kids, dances are fun, not freaky! SCANDALOUS! There is also NO TRUTH to the rumor that Torch MMA Guy Nick Moore was the guy in the mascot costume.

(3) Get This, Jamie Noble (w/Nidia) & Bradshaw beat the Basham Bros (w/That THING They Call Shaniqua) by DQ. The finish came after Danny was leveled by a Clothesline From Hell, but Shaniqua came in to stop the count and thus, the DQ.

Heat Index: I need some help here. First of all, apparently Jamie Noble still has money, a gimmick that was forgotten about for over a month. The Bashams are no closer to getting over with WWE fans than they were when only people in Kentucky could see them on OVW TV. And Shaniqua is still the Most Disgusting Thing on my TV. Okay, I do like one thing. The pants that the Basham’s wear are starting to grow on me. They remind me of Tajiri’s pants. Back to OVW TV, v2.1 HQ has yet to receive tape one of the OVW tapes that we ordered many, MANY moons ago. And you mean to tell me that Jim Cornette doesn’t have all the Torch Guys on a list?! I cry FOUL!

JOB Failure: I just don’t really get into Basham’s theme music. Let’s face facts, it sucks. Speaking of theme music though, you should drop whatever you are doing and pick up Rob Zombie’s newly released Past, Present & Future [w/ Bonus DVD]. This has a couple songs that have been used for themes (like Edge’s Never Gonna Stop, used for video packages (ECW’s awesome use of Thunderkiss ‘65) and songs that SHOULD be used as themes (I’m your Boogieman, The Great American Nightmare and Living Dead Girl) You can’t beat that price.

While we are on the subject, it also makes me think of something the Torch Head Honcho wrote a while back saying that no wrestling fan would be caught dead listening to wrestling themes in their car. I make mix CD’s all the time and occasionally throw wrestling themes on there including Goldust’s first theme, several of HHH’s (give the guy some credit, he’s had a good run of kick ass music) and The Brood. So either Wade is out of touch with today’s fan, or I am.

Kayfabe Factor: Good news, this was the first time EVER I’ve been able to tell the Basham’s apart! Huzzah for me! This is of course no thanks to the WWE. How long have they been on Smackdown and have YET to deliver a single promo? I need to find out from Torch LOUNGE Pledge Dusty Giebink if they shoot promos on Velocity Hell. That of course means I have to call Dusty, which is kinda creepy when he starts doing his Randy Savage impersonation.

Reason #543 to order the PWTorch: to read quotes like this from Mark Henry, “I want people to see that I can be mainstream. I can be Steve Austin, I can be The Rock, I can be Kurt Angle. I can be Brock Lesnar," he said. "And it takes a certain mentality to do that. And I'm not going to mention my name in the same breath as Undertaker or Hunter because I hold those guys in even higher regard than the names that I mentioned.” – to paraphrase a writer MUCH better than me, Mark Henry is this week's smartest man in wrestling.

***Big Show came down to ringside to do commentary with Cole and Tazz. He didn’t do much, but did give Cole a zinger. He attacked Eddie before Latino Heat got into the ring and then went to the back.

Wait A Second. I just realized Kurt Angle and John Cena aren’t coming back. F---!

(4) Eddie Guerrero beat Charlie Haas to retain the WWE US Title. The finish came after Eddie hit a frog splash on Charlie. He didn’t just pin him though, he grimaced and held his ribs for a bit, and THEN pinned him. WTF is the WWE thinking?!

Heat Index: A really good, intense match by the two and I really think Charlie’s Haas Of Pain is the coolest looking submission hold going. The one thing I didn’t like was this elaborate spot in which Eddie strapped his belt to the top turnbuckle which allowed Charlie to jump right into it with a headbutt. How in God’s name would Eddie know THAT was the move Charlie would try to hit him with?

JOB Failure: Okay, let me get this straight. Eddie gets attacked by Matt Hardy. Eddie gets attacked by Charlie Haas. Eddie has a match already. Eddie gets attacked by Big Show. Eddie pins Charlie. Who does Eddie think he is, Jeff Jarrett?! (Editor’s Note: Guess whose name you won’t be reading in Jeremy Borash’s From The Inside this week…)

Kayfabe Factor: Did I just get swerved from a Cena – Eddie feud to a Big Show – Eddie feud? Is this some sort of rib?

This was by far and away My Favorite Torch Article This Week. Only the Head Honcho could recap a 15 minute segment on David Letterman with more words than Mojo uses to recap a 2 hour and 15 minute RAW show. Methinks that’s why he gets the big bucks.

In related news, the Kayfabulator 5000 has been having technical difficulties lately but the technicians at www.gumgod.com have been working night and day to fix the problem. As a free example of the new K5000 hitting this weekend, we’ll take a look at this week’s hottest Torch article:

Original Quote: Rock also lost some points when he said he majored in criminal justice and considered becoming a secret service agent. He said when he finally got around to asking about how much they typically got paid, he said, "It wasn't take-a-bullet money, if you know what I mean." Letterman laughed, but added that the fact that secret service agents aren't paid great money is all the more reason to consider them heroes. Rock quickly saw the shallowness of his story, agreed with Letterman's point, and then said secret service agents are true heroes. (From Keller’s Take on The Rock’s appearance on Letterman)

K5000 Translation: Clearly Letterman was doing his best to Pearl Harbor our beloved Rocky by turning a half-scripted interview into a self-aggrandizing shoot. If Letterman can’t hit his highspots and put over a ****1/2 star entertainer/athlete like The Rock then he’ll have NO RIGHT to complain when Triple H’s agent turns him down in favor of Leno.

***The red carpet is in the ring again and this time Vince presents Brock with the belt. Blah Blah Blah. Vince and Brock talk until Taker comes out. Apparently Taker has a title shot with Brock and Vince is LIVID. He wants to know who the hell could set up that match and out comes Stephanie McMahon. Vince says to retract the match or at the next PPV there will be the first Father – Daughter match. OH JESUS CHRIST! Steph said she wasn’t changing her mind and when Vince went for her Taker pushed him aside. Brock jumped Taker, but the show ended quickly after the Dead Man did a cool Choke Slam on the Next Big Thing.

”Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?” Oh man, I’m gonna defenestrate my TV before watching Steph versus Vince on a PPV. (Editor's Note: Derek has been covering the Torch pages with shit for over two years now, no reason he can't take a dump on his tv too. Hahahahaha. What’s that Powell? I’m thinking of what? Well, of course I’m thinking of defecate. Oh. Well then what the hell is Derek talking about?!) Seriously, does the WWE realize that not only do people not want to see Stephanie in a match, they don’t want to see a MAN VERSUS A WOMAN? Should I seriously be getting this upset?! Anyhoo, other than that there was really cool stuff with the Rey – Tajiri match, a chance to see Mattitude in action and two Eddie matches. While I don’t think Eddie should have overcame so much, it is fun seeing him wrestle no matter what. And DAMN, did Sable look HOT tonight!

Is Spanky dead?

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”In other words, you want to bitch, kvetch and whine.” - Vincent KENNEDY McMahon, explaining to Kurt Angle why he believes Your Olympic Hero came down to interrupt. “Kvetch”?! Talk about Old School baby!

”Oh, you’ll get a title shot, but you’ll start at the bottom and work your way up.” - Vince, to Angle. Who is the bottom anyway? Ultimo Dragon? Funaki? Spanky?

”They’ve been here for a year or a year and a half. They deserve a title shot for God’s sake! - Tazz, trying to explain why Matt Hardy v1.0 and Shannon Moore deserve a title shot despite being booked as jobbers for God knows how long…

”A-Train’s always in a bad mood. That’s the one thing I like about the guy.” - Tazz. The one thing I liked was that cool blue fire before he came out. But that was cut just like Crash Holly and along with it, any interest I had in Grape Ape

”All I hear about Philly fans is how tough they are. What a joke! Hey fat boy (to fan in crowd), get in the ring!” - A-Train calling someone fat?! What’s next, Stephanie McMahon telling Dawn Marie her voice sounds bad?!

”I don’t think I told you tonight how magnificent you look. -Vince, to Sable, and boy, did she look MAGNIFICENT!

”You have a head like a cube, Cole. - Tazz, with this week’s bizarre segue from a Nintendo GameCube ad for a Wrestlemania game.

”Oh yeah Cole, I forgot that the Cruiserweights don’t like food. You’re a featherweight and you like the catering though.” - Tazz, after bringing up Smackdown being in Wisconsin next week and how good the catering is there.

”At this rate we are going to see what Mysterio had for lunch. I have a feeling it was a bunch of tacos… - Tazz, as the Japanese Buzzsaw was laying into Rey Rey’s stomach with a series of kicks

”Sometimes you spend your money stupid, sometimes you spend your money smart.” - Tazz, either talking about Jamie Noble purchasing Bradshaw for the night or McMahon bringing in talent such as Nathan Jones, Spanky and the Bashams. I can’t remember which.

”Bradshaw bashing Basham like Basham owes him money or something. - Tazz, using an expression I really like

”Suck the breath out of him….. Well, I can think of four lines for that I can’t say on TV.” - Tazz, quoting That THING They Call Shaniqua, and adding his thoughts.

”You sit back here with your head up your ass without paying attention to what’s going on in the ring.” - Big Show, to Shoelace, with the Truest Words Ever Spoken

”There’s no way out of this hold!!” - Tazz, a whole five seconds before Eddie Guerrero worked his way out of the Haas of Pain

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

”Did you hear the promiscuous high school girl? While everyone else was dissecting frogs, she was opening flies..” - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

” They've begun adding up all the damage because of Hurricane Isabel. ... It's hard to believe a week later that there are still thousands of people without power, but most of those are just Democrats in Washington.” - Jay Leno

”Earlier today a tornado touched down in parts of New Jersey. Jets fans were thrilled because it was the first touch down of the year.” – Conan O’Brien

”Today on my lunch hour, I was walking through Central Park and you could tell it was the first day of autumn because I saw a nut gathering squirrels..” – David Letterman

”A lot of excitement about the new Democratic front runner General Wesley Clark, who among
other things has a degree in philosophy. In college philosophy majors study if the glass is half full or is the glass half empty, see this prepares them for careers later at waiters.” - Jay Leno

DVD of the Week Prom Night III with bonus Prom Night IV!, Read the brand new review at my new website, www.wingedDVD.com. It’s only week two and already I’m in my third different version of how I want to review movies. Sitcoms on the WB don’t get retooled as much. Tell me what you think of the newest direction and let me know if it is interesting to you.

And don’t forget to pick up: Bend It Like Beckham (It does the impossible, makes soccer interesting to watch) and 2 Fast 2 Furious (Vin Diesel who?)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion “mosh for jesus” Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, and the invaluable, the incomparable, The much needed Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at DerekBurgan@comcast.net and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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