Derek Burgan, PWTorch Religion Correspondant

WWE Smackdown review
September 25, 2003
Taped 09/23/03 in Philadelphia, PA
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Beat Editor in Chief

In a nutshell: A tag team title match! And a Cruiserweight Title Match? All the buried WWE belts getting airplay tonight….

Trivia Time! The Lee Marshall of the Smackdown Express: Raw Is Trivial!

Hi, hello and welcome everyone to another hair-splitting episode of your favorite interactive game-show. We're coming at you from Chicago, home of next week's edition of your favorite Monday night Spike TV program that airs at 9pm ET. Chicago, where Armageddon is imminent, with the Cubs still mathematically in the divisional race while the Bears continue their exhibition schedule to prepare for next season. As for the White Sox, nobody really pays attention to the White Sox around here unless you're related to one of the players.

Raw will be at the Allstate Arena in suburban Rosemont. The Bears will open their refurbished spaceship called Soldier Field. And the Smackdown brand will be a little less than an hour away in Valparaiso, Indiana - featuring a tenative Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar main event. Screw televised events, the Express knows where it would rather be. But, onto the featured portion of the show.

Unforgiven. Personally, in our most humble opinion, this was an aptly-named PPV. The "Unforgiven" are the ones who actually thought having two announce teams fight for the right to call Raw was a good idea. But, this week, more rapid-fire questions about the history of the dark PPV. While there are no prizes to be given away, wagering is always allowed - as long as the Express gets 20% of the gross.

1) Of the following, which of these wrestlers was not involved in the 1999 Six-Pack challenge?
a) Davey Boy Smith
b) The Big Show
c) Steve Austin
d) Chris Jericho

2) From this list, name the team that was not in the Four-Team Elimination in 2001.
a) The Big Show & Spike Dudley
b) Brian Adams & Bryan Clark
c) Lance Storm & Hurricane Helms
d) Jeff & Matt Hardy

3) True or False: Bill Goldberg gave Triple H his first-ever defeat at an Unforgiven PPV event.

Answer at the end of the hour!

BUT FIRST! Well, David Boston was sent home from practice today and is suspended from Sunday’s game. Not that he mattered, but it’s official, my San Diego Chargers are officially done. Unbelievable, they are going into Oakland Sunday playing a team almost as screwed up as them and even I can’t see the Bolts winning. Scandalous! There is good news though, the crack staff at gumgod have put up a new edition of Ask Derek Anything. Some of you v2.1 neophytes may be wondering what ADA is. Well, here’s an example:

Harris Black of Vancouver, B.C. asks: For the backstage segments, does WWE really fly in the talent just to film that segment? Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper to film the scenes (for the month) all from any generic locker room set? (From Ask The Torch)

ADA: What the WWE doesn’t want known as public knowledge is that many of the “Superstars©” in backstage segments are actually housed at Titan Towers 24/7 and unable to leave until they pay their debt to Vince McMahon. The debt is usually started when the performer is “sold” to Vince McMahon by their former promotion. McMahon then charges an exorbitant amount for rent at Titan Towers. Many years ago, according to the Pro Wrestling Torch newsletter, Nailz was the first wrestler to actually ever pay off his debt. This made McMahon so mad he concocted the story of Nailz trying to assault him so that the wrestler would be blacklisted. From that point on McMahon changed the way he charged wrestlers for the food they ate from an exciting food pricing program he saw being launched at movie concession stands and sports arenas across the country.

In related news, recently Erin O’Grady (Crash Holly) was reportedly “released” but he had actually paid off McMahon after selling much of his videogame collection to Electronics Boutique. How McMahon will deal with this has yet to be seen but Those In The Know say McMahon had Bradshaw take Stevie Richard’s X-Box and destroy it.

On to the show!

***Oh DEAR LORD, Cole finally shaved that goofy facial hair he’s had for a while now and is going with a soul patch. Calling Queer Eye for a Straight Guy! No, we don’t need a makeover, we need to know if you are looking for a 6th member. Anyhoo, Cole and Tazz go over the show and announce three title matches tonight, including Eddie Guerrero versus Charlie Haas. Now that’s weird, because I almost clearly remember writing last week that John Cena was going to face Eddie this week.

***The ring is covered in the red carpet deal, with the WWE Title on a pedestal. Vince and Sable (Yowza!) come down to introduce Brock but it’s Kurt Angle’s music who plays. Your Olympic Hero comes down and he’s Pissed.© Vince says he’s not getting a title shot, he has to work his way from the ground up again. This made me think for a second of that AWESOME angle they had back in the day with Shane McMahon being booted down to being a “lowly referee” in which he eventually turned on Steve Austin. Don’t ask me why it reminded me of that though. Angle calls out Brock Lesnar but John Cena’s music hits!

Yo.
Would you quit your bitchin? You turned into a whiner
Last week you lost your title. Now you got a vagina!

And IT’S ON! Angle jumps Cena and they battle until the Doctor of Thuganomics bails to the back. Your Olympic Hero goes to look for Lesnar, but is jumped by Cena in the back. John runs to the parking lot and takes off in his SUV. Kurt runs after him and hijacks Vince’s limo.

(1) Los Guerreros beat The Sensei of Mattitude & Shannon AllThatAnd Moore. The finish came after Moore took a suplex from Chavito and was immediately nailed by a Frog Splash, courtesy of Eddie. 1…2…3!

Heat Index: A decent match to start the show, but I’m so keyed up with three of these four that I think I was a little let down. It drives me a little batty to see how mishandled Matt Hardy has been since his training to be a Cruiserweight. It wasn’t really that long and didn’t even have Eddie’s Twisting Suplexes. You know it’s gonna be a weird one when Shannon shines the most. He did a good job, especially doing the dirty work to the Guererros outside the ring. Unless I’ve really been spacing it, Moore had a ton of ink on his left arm. This was Rock-like in how much he had. Have I been sleeping through Smackdown lately, or is this a new development?

JOB Failure: Okay, let me get this straight. Last we saw Matt Hardy v1.0 and his young Padowan Moore they were getting their ass kicked by a team straight out of Velocity Hell, the APA. Apparently, for taking such a good beating they now become the number one contenders to the Tag Team Titles? What in the Holy Hell is going on here? Maybe other sports should take this type of philosophy and after the Red Sox wrap up the Wild Card, just have them face the Cleveland Indians in the first round. Why not?!

Kayfabe Factor: Matt Facts: Matt has wrestled with strep throat & Matt hates to take medicine.

After the match Matt attacked Eddie and even gave him a Side Effect on the US Belt before Chavo ran him off. Hmmm, that would be a feud I’d like to see. Latino Heat versus v1.0. We also found out DURING THE BREAK!® That Charlie Haas also jumped Eddie, including putting him in the Hass Of Pain, before taking off through the crowd. Assuming another match never started we’d probably get around to seeing Sean O’Haire jump Eddie.

You know, I don’t know who’s a bigger moron, Johnny Ace or Boston Red Sox Reliever Scott Williamson. Check this story out and wonder, with me, if Scotty Too Shotty here would probably shit his pants in the new 4-D R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps ride at BuschGardens down in Tampa as well. Maybe M. Night Shyamalan can make his next ghost film about the Red Sox relievers, something truly scary. Seriously, I can’t get over all these ESPN and magazine articles about the “chess game” between Brian Cashman of the Yankees and Theo Epstink of the Sox and their one-upping each other of acquiring relievers this year. Well, when all is said and done you know what the weakest part, BY FAR, of each team is? That’s right, the relievers. Looks more like Chutes and Ladders than Chess from where I sit.
.
***A-Train, yes THAT A-Train comes to the ring and says he’s sick of people saying he can’t beat Chris Benoit. Apparently this feud will NEVER END. Remind me to ask the Head Honcho which member of management that Benoit must have major heat with. Did Vinny Mac hire Kevin Sullivan as an Executive VP?! A-Train eventually starts stretching out the time keeper, in the same way I’m sure Keith Lipinksi wants to stretch me out when I steal his jokes, until Benoit comes down for the save. Eventually the hairy ape lays out Benoit with a chair. Remember kids, Rule #1 life isn’t fair.

Speaking of Benoit, this can’t be right. Even his TOY has that STUPID Toothless Aggression Shirt?! Inconceivable!

***Backstage, Eddie is being looked at by the doctor and told he shouldn’t wrestle later. Taking a page from Minnesota Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper, Eddie tells him to, “Blow.”

There’s not many things you can count on in life, but one thing you can bet your life on is that wrestling companies are working round the clock to produce the most embarrassing, god-awful shit you’ve ever seen. My boys at ShopZone took it to those TNA guys this week by making this new Kurt Angle T-Shirt!

***Vince is putting the moves on Sable when SOME GUY comes into the room. Vince tells the guy that the belt presentation is still on and to Get Lost. In Hollywood, an Editor would cut this scene right out.

***1/2 of the Not-So-Ambiguously Gay Duo, Josh Matthews, interviewed Charlie Haas. I might be wrong, but no one even mentioned why Shelton Benjamin wasn’t there. Maybe he’s dressing up as Shaniqua tonight. Anyhoo, Charlie says he’s gonna win later.

Screw TNA, This Is The True Alternative to the WWE! Although I doubt that Kaiju Big Battle couldn’t create anything as goofy as the Dupps, the Johnsons or Jeff Jarrett as Superman, so maybe TNA is still a good deal. I did make this comment on the VIP board though, I feel that the One Penny PPV was the Dumbest Idea Ever and it’s certainly looking like I was right. Borash and that boob Ryder should have spent half of the money they wasted on the One Penny PPV (and don’t kid yourselves, that PPV cost them a boatload of cash that isn’t going to be made up by papering the Fairgrounds with free tix) and hired Mike Sempervive and myself as consultants.

***Oh my. An ad for this weekend’s WWE Confidential aired and it’s apparently going to talk about the famous plane crash from the early 70’s (you remember, back when Mojo was just cutting his chops when it came to rasslin’ writing) that I believe broke Ric Flair’s back. I can’t remember if this was the crash in which one guy had to pretty much get out of the hospital before the papers found out about the crash because Heels and Babyfaces weren’t supposed to be in the same plane together. This is in a nutshell how F---ED UP wrestling was, is, and probably always will be.

***Tajiri is shown kicking a wooden pallet. I often do this at my work too. They are everywhere and just bug the hell out of me.

(2)Tajiri beat Rey Mysterio to win the WWE Cruiserweight Title. The finish came when Mysterio rolled Tajiri up, but the Japanese Buzzsaw used this opportunity to spray the RED MIST into Rey Rey’s face, and then hit him with that cool Executioner’s Kick.

Heat Index: While not off the charts great, this match was certainly cool. Tajiri pulled out the Michinoku Driver, which is always cool to see. And Rey had this sequence in which he was backflipped over Tajiri, but landed on the second turnbuckle. In a split second, he hopped up to the third and hit a moonsault! AWESOME!! This is what TNA needs to do, which is figure out you can have an X-Division match without having 500 straight highspots in a row in matches no one remembers. God I hope Tajiri gets a chance to put over this belt because God Knows no one else has.

JOB Failure: Near the finish of this match Tajiri went to kick Rey Rey, but Mysterio ducked and the ref took the full force of the kick. It was an accident. Just like in Monday Night Football’s game in which Rod Smith (on my Fantasy Team) swung at an asshole Raider and hit a ref instead. Damn it, why can’t the NFL have WWE rules?! Speaking of my Fantasy Team, I have Culpepper who has a broken back apparently, Clinton Portis (and I don’t know WHAT’s wrong with him), and Garrison Hearst as my other RB (and no one in the world seems to know what the hell is going on in SF). Lest we forget my Defense (Miami) has an offweek so I picked up, Get This, Houston. I have the most screwed up 3-0 team in the history of Fantasy Football.

Kayfabe Factor: They only used it twice, but it was back. Tajiri did that great screaming gimmick where he almost sounds like a young girl. I think Psycho Tajiri is one of the coolest gimmicks in the world and that scream completes it.

What the hell is this? I can order those GREAT WWE Ice Cream Bars?! Oh man, I’m drooling already! I remember when I was a kid and the Ice Cream Truck would come around my house and I would always get the WWF Ice Cream bars. They had like this cheap card that came inside the box and it was actually exciting wondering who would be on my bar (Macho Man? Jake Roberts?!) before I opened it. And I, to this day, have yet to find a better ice cream treat. Order me a case!

Answer to Trivia Time: Get up, get up, get up, here's the answers.

1) To those of you who said Chris Jericho, have a Molson on the House. Smith and BS wrestled in the match, while Austin was the "special enforcer" (because that's what they call wrestlers who pose as referees).

2) Those of you who said the Hardys need your heads examined. Out of all those really odd teams, the two Briyans were not involved, as they were receiving an ass-kicking courtesy of the WCW World Tag Team champions; The Undertaker & Kane. (The Dudleys, by the way, won the Four Team Elimination match.)

3) BeLee Datt - Triple H now has an Unforgiven record of 4-1.

END OF HOUR ONE Great Caesar's Ghost! It’s time for Intermission!!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every week for all the PWTorch readers who would rather watch coherent things like Fox's Boston Public. Bastards! He also does other wrestling crap at his overly hawked new website, gumgod.com! He can be reached at derek@gumgod.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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