Derek Burgan, PWTorch Religion Correspondant

WWE Smackdown review
September 18, 2003
Taped sometime before today in a place hopefully destroyed by Hurricane Isabel
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Brock versus Angle! And the Ultimo Dragon, Shannon Moore, Billy Blanks…in fact, the whole gang from Velocity Hell!

Dedicated v2.1’ers who have spent time over at the Bower & Burgan Cartoon Showcase will have already seen this week’s Cheap Pops! But hey, it’s new to the Torch, right? Actually I found out yesterday that the Express Tech Dept was going to be on vacation today. ”That’s right, the whole store’s got the flu.”-My Cousin Vinny Without the crack team of egghead programmers around, the Creative Department (Editor’s Note: Creative? That’s the funniest thing you’ve written in weeks Derek) had no access to put anything up. So fear not Loyal Reader, coming soon you’ll see all the backlogged stuff make its way up on www.gumgod.com!

***Cole and Tazz go over a goofy “keys to victory” graphic, which had such amazing insight like that Brock should probably give Angle F5’s to get a win. Seriously, me and my friend always rag on sports shows that do dumb stuff like this before basketball/hockey/football games as they are invariably all the same, “Team A needs to play a tight defense and put up some good offensive numbers blah blah blah.”

***Oh my God, it’s all the heels from Velocity Hell. HEY, it’s Shannon AllThatAnd Moore with the Sensei of Mattitude! Is that Chuck Palumbo?! What’s going on here?! Looks like the FBI are taking bets on who’s going to win the Iron Man match.

***At the APA office, HOLY SHIT IT’S ALEXIS LARREE!! She’s with all the Babyfaces from Velocity Hell and they are betting on the Iron Man match. As a non-betting man myself I am SHOCKED to see this type of behavior! Actually, anyone got some good picks for my football card? I gotta hand it in tomorrow. I’m thinking my Chargers are gonna upset Baltimore (god knows they’ve upset me enough already this year) and, am I insane, Atlanta over Tampa Bay?! That’s a better pick than seeing the Ultimo Dragon winning a match on Smackdown anytime soon…

I Can’t Believe I Just Read What I Think I Just Read! This looks like the greatest wrestling DVD ever released! There is no way a person reading the Torch can not own this unless you are like Mojo and have yet to realize it’s a new millennium and still haven’t bought a DVD player. The Kurt Angle – Chris Benoit AND Magnum TA – Tully Blanchard cage matches on ONE DVD?! Pinch me, I must be dreaming! Stop it Giebink, I was just talking hypothetically.

Speaking of products to buy, the second book in the v2.1 How to Break Into the Business Book Club is coming. Show a little love to RD Reynolds as anyone who has been to his site, wrestlecrap.com knows the man is genius.


***They had a graphic with the Rules of the Iron Match that included after each pinfall or whatnot is a 15 second break. This is now standard after the infamous K1 incident with Bob Sapp getting mysterious extra time because he was more blown up than a Goodyear Blimp after 1 minute of fighting.

(4) Brock Lesnar beat Kurt Angle in a 60 Minute Iron Man match to win the WWE Title and the right to be called a ‘paper champion’ by Triple H on RAW. The finish came as the clock hit zero….DUH! Seriously though, this came after one of the most intense matches I have ever seen and a true credit to the wrestlers and the creative staff for putting together such a great match. It had everything and to top it off, a clean win which I’m sure no one in the world expected.

Heat Index: I really like how the WWE instituted a clock at the top and even a score board of how many victories Angle and Lesnar had. It was like ripping off Monday Night Football, but since every sport has something like that it’s not really stealing anything. It was a nice touch I thought, kinda like when they started to add longer countdowns to the Royal Rumble entrances. When you can actually see the clock ticking down it adds more excitement, I don’t care what you are talking about.

JOB Failure: No run in by Vince? No run in by Taker? Am I still dreaming?

Kayfabe Factor: Tell me that every person in this match didn’t go above and beyond? For God’s sake even Brian Hebner the ref took a world class bump from a Brock Lesnar clothesline! Kurt Angle did an F5 to Brock into the ringpost to get some much needed storyline revenge for himself, Zach Gowen and Spanky. As an aside, let me tell you I am SHOCKED at the restraint the WWE showed by not having Spanky in the APA room betting on this match. It’s that type of shit that you would usually see. This kid needs to come back in a major way and not just, “oh hey, it’s Spanky.”

”Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?” I’m not sure I would have the Gurerros win the titles on a night in which everyone is just going to remember the AWESOME Main Event, but that’s a small quibble. Actually, the only bad thing was the dumb skits and absurd handicap match, but the rest of the show more than made up for that. Probably the best Smackdown of the year and for those of you who missed it, Velocity becomes something you really need to catch this weekend. Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar somehow topped their other great matches, which I didn’t think was possible. How the hell is RAW supposed to top this FREE show on PPV this Sunday? Inconceivable!

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”We welcome you to the season premiere of Smackdown!” - Shoelace

”Never before in the history of broadcast television has a match been scheduled to go this long.” - Cole, referring to the Iron Man match. And yes, I’ve talked to Jason Powell, or should I say his secretary and she said that the Nathan Jones – Big Show matches only seemed longer than an hour

”Have you ever faced anyone as tough as Shaniqua in your career Tazz?” - Yes, Cole actually said this.

”Actually, yeah, I have.” - Tazz, in response

”She towers over you!” - Cole, talking about Shaniqua’s height, to Tazz

”A lot of people do. What’s the deal here? You make fun of me on national TV? That’s nice Cole.” - Tazz

”This chick is a freak!” - Cole, referring to That Thing Known As Shaniqua, in the truest line he has spoken on air.

”I do what I want to do when I want to do it.” - Vince McMahon, in a line that was also used in Anger Management by John Turturro. Get that movie, it’s hilarious!

”Los Gurerros looked like they haven’t missed a beat! Well, except for now…” - Tazz, as Chavo was getting double teamed by Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas

”I’ve just been handed a note Tazz in the case of a tie, we’ve been granted by UPN to have an overtime period.” - Cole, apparently forgetting Smackdown is a TAPED SHOW. Hey, when the hell is the Mullets on anyway, or is that already cancelled?!

”The table’s got no legs!” - Tazz, describing a limping Brock after Angle had spent the Iron Man match working over the Next Big Thing’s knee

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

”Did you hear the promiscuous high school girl? While everyone else was dissecting frogs, she was opening flies..” - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

”’Sesame Street' and Merrill Lynch have teamed up for a program they call 'Investing Pays Off.' It's to teach three-to-five year olds how to manage money. And if it works there, they're going to try it in Sacramento.” - Jay Leno

”I got in a fight with my lady friend the other day. I wanted to watch football and she wanted to have brunch with her parents. So, we compromised and broke up.” – Craig Kilborn, talkin’ bout PRIORITIES!! (and BTW, I’m almost resigned to the fact my beloved Bolts won’t be making the Playoffs again this year. David BUST-on indeed)

”The big wedding between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has been called off for the weekend. A lot of people are upset. For example, Demi Moore had already gotten her boyfriend a new suit and a haircut.” – David Letterman

”Governor Gray Davis said he welcomed the decision. He said using the punch-card machines wouldn't be fair to the people. And he has a point. Afterall, those were the machines that got him elected in the first place.” - Jay Leno

DVD of the Week Deadly Invasion!, Read the brand new review at my new website, www.wingedDVD.com. The crack Express staff told me that I was reviewing movies like I review Smackdown and to stop that crap, post haste! So, next week you can look forward to a whole new review process. Who really cares about Spoiler Warnings on movies that suck though, seriously?

And don’t forget to pick up: Smallville - The Complete First Season and Holes (Widescreen Edition)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion “mosh for jesus” Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, the Amazing Alex Cox and the invaluable, the incomparable, The much needed Matt Huber.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at DerekBurgan@comcast.net and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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