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9/4 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

Sep 4, 2003 - 10:59:00 PM
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Derek Burgan, PWTorch Religion Correspondant

WWE Smackdown review
September 4, 2003
Taped sometime before today in Bayou Country
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant


Dont forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Taker versus Angle! And Brock Lesnar goes REALLY crazy.

(3) Kurt Angle versus the Undertaker went to a DQ. The finish came after Angle got hit with a devastating Last Ride only to see the Dead Man get a steel chair right in the mush courtesy of Brock Lesnar. I absolutely LOATHE DQ endings but damn it, this was pretty damn cool. Taker got an extra star in my book for that chair shot.

Heat Index: Kurt Angle is the mack daddy. Here he was in one submission move on the ground and he did a handstand to get out of it. I shit you not. I think Tazz called the submission a short arm scissors, whatever the f--- that means. Another cool spot had Angle apply the Ankle Lock while Taker was caught up in the ropes like a pig at a luau. Surreal! And Ill give credit where it was due, this was a good match by both men, yes, even the Undertaker. In fact one leg drop while Kurt was hanging on the outside edge of the ring was especially good looking.

JOB Failure: My God. Taker had Angle in the Triangle choke along with leg scissors wrapped around Kurts head and I swear to God it was the gayest thing this side of All Male Porn. I think the Bashams wanted to yell out, Hey the Ball & Gag is the name for our move! Gimmick Infringement! Seriously, after watching that Im afraid I might test positive for Tuberculosis. (Editors Note: you might have to email Derek to find out what the hell he means on that one because even I dont get it.)

Kayfabe Factor: Cole went off against Brock again and it just amazes me that Brock hasnt come down and gotten right in Coles face. Matt Hardy has confronted Cole several times on his commentary and youd think Brock would be just the type of psycho to intimidate a 100 pound effeminate announcer. It would be classic!

Next to that cool Industrious Clock, this might be the most Addictive Thing Ever.

***DURING THE BREAK! Taker stumbles around back, eventually falling over. He no sells help by the refs.

***Angle is first shown being bent over like Tobias Beecher taking one from behind via Verne Schillinger in the first season of Oz. The camera pans back showing the trainers taking a look at him. They actually asked him if he got hit by the Title Belt. Apparently they dont watch Smackdown either.

***Taped Earlier Today was the Bourbon Street Bikini Contest. I have no idea why they need to air something like this taped on a taped show, but what do I know. Tazz was the master of ceremonies and called down Sable first. MEEEOW!! Next up wasWHAT THE F--?!! Holy Shit its DAWN MARIE!!! Next was Nidia (wearing sneakers and beads the size of billiard balls. Classic!) and last was Torrie. If youve seen ANY bikini contest in the last two years you know what happened. Both Sable and Dawn looked better but lost.

But it wasnt over. Out of nowhere came That THING They Call Shaniqua. She ran in and destroyed all the women. Oh man, next week we have a Shaniqua push AND the Mullets. Maybe Ill overdose on Stacker 3s which I'll wash down with an ephedra based caffeine drink called Ripped Force which will hopefull finish me off before I have to suffer through that. God knows Britney Spears will be on Friends or something as well.

What the hell is this? The Million Dollar Man has an e-zine? Religion has no place within wrestling, just as violence, sexism and intolerance have no place in the bible. Whats that Powell? They do? Oh. Nevermind.

***The APA are in the back and they unveil a new APA business door, with doorbell ringer and everything. Example #5643 that nothing in wrestling ever stays dead. Oh, but it gets worse. Bradshaw then presents a butler. I SWEAR TO GOD UNDER THE THREAT OF NEVER EATING PIZZA AGAIN THAT I AM NOT MAKIING THIS UP. Yes, the same type of gag you will see parodied in shows like the Simpsons making fun of bad writing was brought out. The butler had beers, cigars and playing cards in his tray.

Seriously, you could have had Spanky or Funaki play the same type of role as a pledge or someone trying to be an APA intern and actually get someone TV time or even get them over. Instead, SOME GUY gets the stupid role which will just end up sucking. Scandalous! Somewhere James Guttman is cackling, And Derek laughs at me for having to watch Raw. Well whos laughing now funny man?! Whos laughing now?!!

(4) Rey Mysterio beat Tajiri to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Title that might as well be the WWE Piece Of Shit Belt. The finish came with a West Coast Pop off the top rope for the win.

Heat Index: WOW!! My hat is off to these guys. Unbelievable performance by the two. Rey Mysterio actually attempted to do a Tarantula! My favorite spot came when The Japanese Buzzsaw did his handspring elbow and collided with Rey Mysterio doing what Tazz called a Spinning leg lariat. This was the Shiznit.

JOB Failure: After the match Tajiri went to shake Rey Reys hand and spit the Green Mist in Mysterios face in this weeks edition of An Angle That Makes Absolutely No Sense.

Kayfabe Factor: I liked this match so much I wont even complain about it being the SECOND match tonight that was interrupted by a commercial break. Tajiri also had new music for some reason. I actually liked his old stuff.

***Vince McMahon came to the ring with the Big Show. Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, this shit is only good to hear the WWEs patented Crowd Sweetening go into overdrive when the crowd chants Asshole. UPN has it taken out of the show only to have the people in the ring acknowledge it. You really cant make this shit up. Anyhoo, Vince says next week will have a ONE HOUR Iron Man match between Brock and Angle. And I dont care who they are, they wont beat the ONE HOUR ECW TV show match with Shane Douglas, Sabu and Terry Funk.

Out of nowhere Brock is in the luxury boxes. Shoots a promo and it turns out hes sitting on Zach Gowen! OH MY! Zach is gagged and has a cast on his one leg. Brock is being a total Psycho. Funny, but completely NUTS. Brock pulls him to the back, beats him up a little, and this was great because the camera cut to Vince McMahon having one of those fake concerned looks that ONLY he can do, before going back to Brock throwing Zach down a flight of stairs. WOW! Brock is just GREAT in this role. As great as Big Show was at being the Monster for the past few months. Smackdown ROCKS.

And somewhere, Torch Video Game Guy Peter Zed still thinks Zach Gowen is useless. Scandalous!

Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision? I want to go to bed so we are going to wrap this one up quick. Another masterful Smackdown that almost makes me forget that Im not watching CSI and Friends. I dont buy for ONE SECOND that Paul Heyman doesnt have his fingers in this somehow. Either that or the creative is watching ECW tapes and figuring out WHAT WORKS. Great, great show.

Tell me he didnt just say that ?! (Quotes of the Night)

He got a title shot the ol fashioned way. He earned it. - Tazz, referring to the Undertaker in line that is dripping in irony.

If you are gonna cheat, cheat all the way. - Tazz, with words to live by

Ive talked to you just twice since SummerSlam! - Brock, wondering if Vince McMahon was stealing a page out of Wade Kellers handbook

Your booze-um buddy. - Brock, referring to Sable. I think he was trying to say the word bosom but probably only saw it written out and never heard someone say it. Reminds me of the film Trekkies which has a kid using 10 dollar words left and right and obviously only knows them because he read them in a book as he mis-pronounces all of them. Classic stuff.

You need a chill pill. - Vince, using an old school shot at The Next Big Thing

Master motivator, Mr. McMahon. - Tazz

That means hes gonna steal the car Cole. - Tazz, explaining what John Cena was saying in the ring, to Shoelace.

The Shave Your Back chants aimed at the former college football star. - Cole, using star in its loosest sense possible apparently, to describe A-Trocious

No, Thank You. - Nidia, after Torrie asked her to apply tanning bronzer to her ass. No, THANK YOU WWE!!!

Points dont mean squat right now, this is the pros. - Tazz, with a subtle dig at one of the most unwatchable sports in the universe, amateur pro-wrestling. Well, unwatchable unless you are homosexual. In that case it becomes The Greatest Sport Ever Made.

You notice that a lot of the quarterbacks are white and the rest of the players are black? - Yes, my roommate actually said this when I switched over to the Redskins/Jets NFL opener during Smackdown. Well call my roommate mark because no other word describes him better.

Once youve seen the best theres no reason to see the rest. - Sable, using logic I cant argue with.

Welcome back Dawn Marie! - And thats all Cole said.

Weve been told that the Undertaker is being taken to a medical facility! - Is that still a hospital Shoelace?

Tajiri, innovative in his own right! - Michael Cole, calling yet another move and proving why he is undoubtedly the best play-by-play man in the business today.

You better stop calling the Big Show an Asshole or hell kick your ass. - Vince McMahon, to the crowd

Yeah yeah yeah, that happened TWO WEEKS AGO so forget about it! - Brock Lesnar, as the crowd chanted You Tapped Out! This was great..

Oh my God, you were sitting on him.. - Vince McMahon, as Brock got up after a promo, revealing that he had been squashing Zach Gowen the entire time.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?! - Brock becomes my hero for the week screaming this to a GAGGED Zach Gowen. I loved this SO MUCH.

Why is this a magic chair Zach? Because it flies Zach. It flies! - The Next Big Thing, right before tossing Gowen down a flight of stairs. ALL HAIL PSYCHO BROCK

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

Where would you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him. - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

How many of you think Madonna kissing Britney Spears was a publicity stunt? I dont know, we all know Madonna isnt a good enough actress to fool anyone - Jay Leno

Ben Affleck and J-Lo were originally planning on getting married in Hawaii but Jennifer said she wanted her next wedding in Hawaii. David Letterman

According to reports, Osama Bin Laden had a big terrorism convention in Afghanistan. They believe 5,000 people attended. And that is why you couldnt get a cab in New York today. David Letterman

For the first time, a Newsweek poll shows that more people want President Bush to lose the election than want him to win. So it sounds like it could be a repeat of the last election. - Jay Leno

DVD of the Week Casablanca (Two-Disc Special Edition): Sorry kids, I have no time to write about this today. Just let it be known that this is truly one of the rare films that EVERYONE should own. Get the newly released two disc special that is loaded and watch a time when good movies came out ALL THE TIME.

And dont forget to pick up: Sleeping Beauty (Special Edition), Family Guy, Vol. 2 (Season 3), 24 - Season Two and The Core (Widescreen Edition) (So sue me, I liked the Core!)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, The Celtan of Swat Celian Varini, The SAVIOR Matt Huber and the Enforcer Ethan Coyle.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at DerekBurgan@comcast.net and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.




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