Derek Burgan, PWTorch Religion Correspondant

WWE Smackdown review
September 4, 2003
Taped sometime before today in Bayou Country
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don’t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: Taker versus Angle! And Brock Lesnar goes REALLY crazy….

(3) Kurt Angle versus the Undertaker went to a DQ. The finish came after Angle got hit with a devastating Last Ride only to see the Dead Man get a steel chair right in the mush courtesy of Brock Lesnar. I absolutely LOATHE DQ endings but damn it, this was pretty damn cool. Taker got an extra star in my book for that chair shot.

Heat Index: Kurt Angle is the mack daddy. Here he was in one submission move on the ground and he did a handstand to get out of it. I shit you not. I think Tazz called the submission a “short arm scissors”, whatever the f--- that means. Another cool spot had Angle apply the Ankle Lock while Taker was caught up in the ropes like a pig at a luau. Surreal! And I’ll give credit where it was due, this was a good match by both men, yes, even the Undertaker. In fact one leg drop while Kurt was hanging on the outside edge of the ring was especially good looking.

JOB Failure: My God. Taker had Angle in the Triangle choke along with leg scissors wrapped around Kurt’s head and I swear to God it was the gayest thing this side of All Male Porn. I think the Basham’s wanted to yell out, “Hey the Ball & Gag is the name for our move! Gimmick Infringement!” Seriously, after watching that I’m afraid I might test positive for Tuberculosis. (Editor’s Note: you might have to email Derek to find out what the hell he means on that one because even I don’t get it.)

Kayfabe Factor: Cole went off against Brock again and it just amazes me that Brock hasn’t come down and gotten right in Cole’s face. Matt Hardy has confronted Cole several times on his commentary and you’d think Brock would be just the type of psycho to intimidate a 100 pound effeminate announcer. It would be classic!

Next to that cool Industrious Clock, this might be the most Addictive Thing Ever.

***DURING THE BREAK!© Taker stumbles around back, eventually falling over. He no sells help by the refs.

***Angle is first shown being bent over like Tobias Beecher taking one from behind via Verne Schillinger in the first season of Oz. The camera pans back showing the trainers taking a look at him. They actually asked him if he got hit by the Title Belt. Apparently they don’t watch Smackdown either.

***Taped Earlier Today was the “Bourbon Street Bikini Contest.” I have no idea why they need to air something like this taped on a taped show, but what do I know. Tazz was the master of ceremonies and called down Sable first. MEEEOW!! Next up was…WHAT THE F--?!! Holy Shit it’s DAWN MARIE!!! Next was Nidia (wearing sneakers and beads the size of billiard balls. Classic!) and last was Torrie. If you’ve seen ANY bikini contest in the last two years you know what happened. Both Sable and Dawn looked better but lost.

But it wasn’t over. Out of nowhere came That THING They Call Shaniqua. She ran in and destroyed all the women. Oh man, next week we have a Shaniqua push AND the Mullets. Maybe I’ll overdose on Stacker 3’s which I'll wash down with an ephedra based caffeine drink called Ripped Force which will hopefull finish me off before I have to suffer through that. God knows Britney Spears will be on Friends or something as well.

What the hell is this? The Million Dollar Man has an e-zine? Religion has no place within wrestling, just as violence, sexism and intolerance have no place in the bible. What’s that Powell? They do? Oh. Nevermind.

***The APA are in the back and they unveil a new APA business door, with doorbell ringer and everything. Example #5643 that nothing in wrestling ever stays dead. Oh, but it gets worse. Bradshaw then presents a butler. I SWEAR TO GOD UNDER THE THREAT OF NEVER EATING PIZZA AGAIN THAT I AM NOT MAKIING THIS UP. Yes, the same type of gag you will see parodied in show’s like the Simpsons making fun of bad writing was brought out. The butler had beers, cigars and playing cards in his tray.

Seriously, you could have had Spanky or Funaki play the same type of role as a pledge or someone trying to be an APA intern and actually get someone TV time or even get them over. Instead, SOME GUY gets the stupid role which will just end up sucking. Scandalous! Somewhere James Guttman is cackling, “And Derek laughs at me for having to watch Raw. Well who’s laughing now funny man?! Who’s laughing now?!!”

(4) Rey Mysterio beat Tajiri to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Title that might as well be the WWE Piece Of Shit Belt. The finish came with a West Coast Pop off the top rope for the win.

Heat Index: WOW!! My hat is off to these guys. Unbelievable performance by the two. Rey Mysterio actually attempted to do a Tarantula! My favorite spot came when The Japanese Buzzsaw did his handspring elbow and collided with Rey Mysterio doing what Tazz called a “Spinning leg lariat.” This was the Shiznit.

JOB Failure: After the match Tajiri went to shake Rey Rey’s hand and spit the Green Mist in Mysterio’s face in this week’s edition of “An Angle That Makes Absolutely No Sense.”

Kayfabe Factor: I liked this match so much I won’t even complain about it being the SECOND match tonight that was interrupted by a commercial break. Tajiri also had new music for some reason. I actually liked his old stuff.

***Vince McMahon came to the ring with the Big Show. Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, this shit is only good to hear the WWE’s patented Crowd Sweetening© go into overdrive when the crowd chants “Asshole.” UPN has it taken out of the show only to have the people in the ring acknowledge it. You really can’t make this shit up. Anyhoo, Vince says next week will have a ONE HOUR Iron Man match between Brock and Angle. And I don’t care who they are, they won’t beat the ONE HOUR ECW TV show match with Shane Douglas, Sabu and Terry Funk.

Out of nowhere Brock is in the luxury boxes. Shoots a promo and it turns out he’s sitting on Zach Gowen! OH MY! Zach is gagged and has a cast on his one leg. Brock is being a total Psycho. Funny, but completely NUTS. Brock pulls him to the back, beats him up a little, and this was great because the camera cut to Vince McMahon having one of those fake concerned looks that ONLY he can do, before going back to Brock throwing Zach down a flight of stairs. WOW! Brock is just GREAT in this role. As great as Big Show was at being the Monster for the past few months. Smackdown ROCKS.

And somewhere, Torch Video Game Guy Peter Zed still thinks Zach Gowen is useless…. Scandalous!

”Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?” I want to go to bed so we are going to wrap this one up quick. Another masterful Smackdown that almost makes me forget that I’m not watching CSI and Friends. I don’t buy for ONE SECOND that Paul Heyman doesn’t have his fingers in this somehow. Either that or the creative is watching ECW tapes and figuring out WHAT WORKS. Great, great show.

“Tell me he didn’t just say that ?!” (Quotes of the Night)

”He got a title shot the ol’ fashioned way. He earned it.” - Tazz, referring to the Undertaker in line that is dripping in irony.

”If you are gonna cheat, cheat all the way.” - Tazz, with words to live by

”I’ve talked to you just twice since SummerSlam!” - Brock, wondering if Vince McMahon was stealing a page out of Wade Keller’s handbook

”Your booze-um buddy.” - Brock, referring to Sable. I think he was trying to say the word “bosom” but probably only saw it written out and never heard someone say it. Reminds me of the film “Trekkies” which has a kid using 10 dollar words left and right and obviously only knows them because he read them in a book as he mis-pronounces all of them. Classic stuff.

”You need a chill pill.” - Vince, using an old school shot at The Next Big Thing

”Master motivator, Mr. McMahon.” - Tazz

”That means he’s gonna steal the car Cole.” - Tazz, explaining what John Cena was saying in the ring, to Shoelace.

”The Shave Your Back chants aimed at the former college football star.” - Cole, using “star” in it’s loosest sense possible apparently, to describe A-Trocious

”No, Thank You.” - Nidia, after Torrie asked her to apply tanning bronzer to her ass. No, THANK YOU WWE!!!

”Points don’t mean squat right now, this is the pros.” - Tazz, with a subtle dig at one of the most unwatchable sports in the universe, amateur pro-wrestling. Well, unwatchable unless you are homosexual. In that case it becomes The Greatest Sport Ever Made.

”You notice that a lot of the quarterbacks are white and the rest of the players are black?” - Yes, my roommate actually said this when I switched over to the Redskins/Jets NFL opener during Smackdown. We’ll call my roommate “mark” because no other word describes him better.

”Once you’ve seen the best there’s no reason to see the rest.” - Sable, using logic I can’t argue with.

”Welcome back Dawn Marie!” - And that’s all Cole said.

”We’ve been told that the Undertaker is being taken to a medical facility!” - Is that still a hospital Shoelace?

”Tajiri, innovative in his own right!” - Michael Cole, calling yet another move and proving why he is undoubtedly the best play-by-play man in the business today.

”You better stop calling the Big Show an Asshole or he’ll kick your ass.” - Vince McMahon, to the crowd

”Yeah yeah yeah, that happened TWO WEEKS AGO so forget about it!” - Brock Lesnar, as the crowd chanted “You Tapped Out!” This was great..

”Oh my God, you were sitting on him..” - Vince McMahon, as Brock got up after a promo, revealing that he had been squashing Zach Gowen the entire time.

”ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!” - Brock becomes my hero for the week screaming this to a GAGGED Zach Gowen. I loved this SO MUCH.

”Why is this a magic chair Zach? Because it flies Zach. It flies!” - The Next Big Thing, right before tossing Gowen down a flight of stairs. ALL HAIL PSYCHO BROCK

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

”Where would you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him….” - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

”How many of you think Madonna kissing Britney Spears was a publicity stunt? I don’t know, we all know Madonna isn’t a good enough actress to fool anyone…” - Jay Leno

”Ben Affleck and J-Lo were originally planning on getting married in Hawaii but Jennifer said she wanted her next wedding in Hawaii.” – David Letterman

”According to reports, Osama Bin Laden had a big terrorism convention in Afghanistan. They believe 5,000 people attended. And that is why you couldn’t get a cab in New York today.” – David Letterman

”For the first time, a Newsweek poll shows that more people want President Bush to lose the election than want him to win. So it sounds like it could be a repeat of the last election….” - Jay Leno

DVD of the Week Casablanca (Two-Disc Special Edition): Sorry kids, I have no time to write about this today. Just let it be known that this is truly one of the rare films that EVERYONE should own. Get the newly released two disc special that is loaded and watch a time when good movies came out ALL THE TIME.

And don’t forget to pick up: Sleeping Beauty (Special Edition), Family Guy, Vol. 2 (Season 3), 24 - Season Two and The Core (Widescreen Edition) (So sue me, I liked the Core!)

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, WMG Heavyweight Champion Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, The Madman of the Torch Mike Sempervive, “The Celtan of Swat” Celian Varini, The SAVIOR Matt Huber and the Enforcer Ethan Coyle.

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at DerekBurgan@comcast.net and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.

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