PWTorch.com - 8/28 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

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8/28 Smackdown review: Burgan's Express v2.1 (Hr.2)

Aug 28, 2003 - 10:47:00 PM

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Derek Burgan, PWTorch Religion Correspondant

WWE Smackdown review
August 28, 2003
Taped sometime before today in a place that�s REALLY HOT
Aired on UPN
Report by Derek Burgan, Torch Idiot Savant

Don�t forget to read my review of Hour One first.

In a nutshell: John Cena versus Latino Heat! And Kurt Angle finds out who his next opponent will be�

***Hour starts off with Josh Matthews, so this could be a long one. Anyhoo, � of the Not-So-Ambigulously-Gay-Duo asks Cena if he knows what happened to Eddie G�s car. Cena claimed ignorance.

(3) Eddie Guerrero beat John Cena by DQ to retain the WWE US Title. The finish came after Cena gave Latino Heat a low blow.

Heat Index: Now THIS is gonna be a feud! You got two people who just own the microphone and can both actually throw it down in the ring. Cena�s nowhere near Eddie�s level, but honestly, who is? Seeing Eddie do his Suplex Deal on a guy bigger than him is till the sight to behold and even I was surprised at Cena kicking out after the Frog Splash. This is starting to make up for his total emasculation a few weeks ago acting like a complete retard with Stephanie McMahon. The key word is �starting.� A really great thing this match had was Eddie�s mom at ringside like Zach�s mom last week. Eddie�s mom was devastated when Cena destroyed Latino Heat after the match including an F-U on the tire he stole.

JOB Failure: Must . Not.Get. Mad. At. DQ. Finish. Hulk get angry. Hulk SMASH!

Kayfabe Factor: by Guest Writer The Ultimate Warrior - Everything that's wrong with the land of the free, and the home of the brave, rears its disgraceful head in another production from the vile underbelly of the pop culture porn merchants. WWE proves that nothing is sacred, not even the honor of what our forefathers built this country on. Supporting Eddie Guerrero, and his kind that slither in to this once-proud nation and steal our jobs is heinous enough, but to celebrate the discombobulating misogyny and vulgarity of the so-called "music" known as hip-hop -- and to do so with a white face that represents the confusion and mental retardation of this country's middle-class youth is shameful and arrogant. One Warrior Nation come together and unite! We must stop the liberal media from poisoning our culture further... (Editor's Note: As per the usual whenever Warrior is asked to guest review a match, we'll end it here, as his actual review went on for seven more pages and contains words that are foreign to our spell-check.)

***Hey, when is it time for the �season premiere� of Smackdown? Remember that insipid gimmick last year? I think it was the same show as the Billy & Chuck wedding.

About every third Guest Editorial on the Torch Makes Me Feel Like This. The latest being the �250 Rule� which as far as I can tell, is espousing the theory that all of us who write for the Torch being as boring and monotonous as The Borg as not to offend anyone. I�m sure Howard Stern and Rush Limbaugh have their detractors, but can anyone deny that their style has also brought success?

I don�t believe I saw what I just saw! Welcome to the official website of Shane Helms� stalker! Something tells me that the Torch Sex Symbol probably has one or two �Super Fans� like that out there in Cyberspace as well�

What the hell is this? A Hurricane mask that cost 100 bucks?! Tell you what. Any of you that are thinking of ordering this, I�ll cut you a deal. Instead of sending the WWE 100 clams, send me 50 and every day for a month I will call your house and say, �You my friend are a complete IDIOT.� It�s a win/win situation in my book. �I don�t care about your book, I care about the building and loan!� � Mr. Potter It�s a Wonderful Life (Editor�s Note: WT F? An obscure movie quote following a link to a Raw brand wrestler�s item on shopzone? I swear to God that if I knew the Torch was going to turn into this I would have started a newsletter covering 80�s Hair Bands back in the day. ::sigh::)

***Ad for upcoming House Shows. How ironic is this. Last week I missed out on a hot MLW show that was being held down in the Tampa/St. Pete area. Well, this week I�ll be in Tampa/St. Pete when no wrestling is going on and guess where the WWE is going to be? In Boston, of course. I think I might be cursed like the guy in Stephen King�s Thinner.

The crack staff here at v2.1 HQ is already convinced, due to evidence that we�ve been pointing out over the past few weeks, that every reporter working for an Ohio newspaper must be a complete moron. Apparently, this condition applies to anyone that even touches one of these rags. Check Out This Letter To The Editor! And why shouldn�t we give up all our rights to a government that throughout our short history has had massive amounts of corruption, racism, ignorance and outright incompetence associated with it? SIGN ME UP!

(4) The Undertaker beat Big Show and Brock Lesnar in a Three Way Dance. The innovative finish came as Brock was setting up Big Show for a SuperPlex and was in position to be hit with a Last Ride by the Undertaker.

Heat Index: I�ll give credit where credit is due. Taker held up his own in this match including the ending sequence which I didn�t see coming at all. I like how it was a riff off of the sequence Brock and Show had when the ring imploded. After the match Angle came into the ring (he was doing Guest Color Commentary) and went face to face with the Dead Man. Technically I guess it was well done, but personally I have no interest in seeing Taker in that spot so the impact was lessened for me. I will say that if that�s the way the WWE wants to go, they went about it in as good a way as possible.

JOB Failure: Kurt Angle was everything a wrestler needs to be on commentary. Too often a guy comes down and gets nothing accomplished and actually lessens what heat he has on himself by just sitting there like a wallflower. With a quality commentator, like Matt Hardy, or the Benoit � Guerrero stuff from a little while ago, you add a whole new dimension to the match along with breaking up the announcing combo to freshen that act up. Killing two birds with one stone.

Kayfabe Factor: by Guest Writer Jim Ross - By gawd, three hosses in that ring there tonight. I told my third wife that I wouldn't be doing anything like my Ross Report again, but when you have that much deserving talent in the ring, fighting over a shot to get half of what the top prize in our business is, well, everything be damned. Big Show certainly has picked up his game here recently. If he could just drop a couple of pounds, and slow down the manic pace he works at, he'll be right in the thick of things for a while. What else can you say about the Undertaker? A true pro in every sense of the word, that commands respect, and gives it as well. You won't see him playing politics, and not "doing what's right" for our grand business, by not putting over the young stars and positioning himself in main event matches. Brock Lesnar is the head hoss of our young hosses, and his new alliance with that darn Mr. McMahon is guaranteed to keep him in the upper echelon of the Smackdown brand. I may just be a guy under a Resitol 200X black hat with an opinion, but those two certainly have some bad intentions for that side of the roster. By gawd, I wonder what it's like on that side of the roster�.maybe I can convince them to take a look at my new BBQ cookbook available now at ShopZone.

Yo Maestro! Cue the beat..

Here we go again with The Undertaker
That dead man, the good ol� biker faker
Locker room judge, holding court over what appears to be a junior high
He�s been around forever, so he might as well be �The Guy�
Who needs young blood like John Cena or Rey Mysterio showing up on TV
We got Dead Man Incorporated to push, bringing with him his AARP
I�ll be honest, I used to mark out for Taker like nobody's business
I also used to play Ghouls & Ghosts on my Sega Genesis
But now it�s 2003, and it�s time for a new Main Event
Kinda like how Run DMC has been replaced by 50 Cent
But Taker won�t leave, he�s wrestling's version of Cal Ripken
Now he�s getting a shot at Kurt Angle? I must be trippin�
I mean watching this old dude do submission moves is dull
Answer me this Taker, was your wedding to Steph annulled?
Don�t you think it�s a time to step back, maybe show a little class
Act like the leader they say you are, instead of giant ass

�Mr. Foreman, have you reached your decision?� This can�t be right. Four matches. Okay, that�s just not right. That matches that we had though, were good. Rey Rey lit up the night, Cena and Eddie stole the show and a Main Event with three Monsters was actually quite entertaining. Seeing Stephanie back brought my enthusiasm down a notch, but that was balanced by the fact that Vince somehow kept himself off the show. Hey, I love Vince McMahon but he needs to be off Smackdown for at least 3-4 months to have an impact. Hopefully during this week off TV the Bashams will get rid of Shaniqua. Hey, a guy can dare to dream, right? And I didn�t have room to mention it above, but Brock gave Big Show an incredible looking Belly to Belly that I�m almost SHOCKED didn�t break Show�s neck in half. Was Show the guy that Nash dropped straight on his head during a Jack Knife Powerbomb back in Nitro�s heyday? I know it was someone big and I�m 90% convinced it was Show.

�Tell me he didn�t just say that ?!� (Quotes of the Night)

�This isn�t a traditional entrance!!� - Michael Cole on Eddie Guererro going through the crowd

�It�s a sombrero not a cowboy hat you idiot!� - Michael Cole, wearing an absurdly huge sombrero, which Tazz called a cowboy hat.

�That was the first Guerrero lie ever!� - Latino Heat, telling the tale of his illegal immigrant grandmother telling the cops she was legally in America

�She went to go take her citizenship test, but she couldn�t read it, it was in English essa. So she peeked over at another grandmother�s taking the test. When the other grandmother turned around, my grandmother beat the other grandmother into the ground! Then she copied all the answers! This is how she became a US citizen!� - Eddie Guerrero, describing the first time a family member cheated

�It�s a damn shame we are in El Paso. After I take your gold, I�m gonna take your sister Homes!� - John Cena, slipping into a latino accent

�Eddie Guerrero has eyes in the back of his head even when he�s wearing a visor.� - Could anyone but Tazz say something like this? Seriously.

�He may be A-Train, but that�s one hell of a caboose!� - Tazz, referring to Sablelicious

�Can�t we have a SableCam� where the camera is just on Sable?� - That�s a very good question Tazz.

�Benoit�s chopping down a redwood. That�s a tree right? A redwood?� - Tazz, as the Rabid Wolverine was throwing some chops into A-Train�s chest

�You sound like a whiny little BITCH!� - Kurt Angle, to Brock Lesnar

�The fans are impressed by action. You know, the kind of action like me making you tap out at Summerslam! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!� - I love how Angle always does the Ric Flair yell. LOVE IT!

�I was sitting back there on my bike and I couldn�t help but overhear what you said.� - The Undertaker. But this got me thinking. Who The F--- sits around backstage on a motorcycle?!

�It�s been a long time since Big Evil had his title shot.� - Yes, The Undertaker actually said this with a straight face. Inconceivable!

�Yo bro, this is El Paso, you know about the crime rate here.� - John Cena, explaining his alibi when asked about Latino Heat�s tire missing

�Yeah, I heard you last week, Brock Lesnar is gonna take Angle out. Out to dinner maybe.� - Your Olympic Hero, confronting Tazz

�With all respect to the late Gregory Hines, Brock Lesnar is the new King of Tap.� - Angle, with a nice zinger

�Show just laying there on his big jewels.� - Don�t ask me why some of this stuff sticks in my head. This was Tazz describing Big Show slumping over on the top turnbuckle.

Extra Real World Quotes of the week!

�How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the chin.� - Jackie The Jokeman Martling

�It�s that time of the year, Demi Moore was seen at Staples buying school supplies for her boyfriend.� - David Letterman

�You know, that big Ten Commandments monument has been removed form the courthouse in Alabama. I believe it�s being replaced by Eight Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter�� � David Letterman

�Mike Tyson says he has some advice for Kobe Bryant. Turned out to be pretty good. He said don�t listen to me.� � David Letterman

�The blackout affected all areas of New York. It was so dark up in Chappaqua that Bill Clinton actually got into bed with his wife.� - David Letterman

DVD of the Week Unforgiven (Two-Disc Special Edition) - Believe it or not, pro rasslin� isn�t the only place where actual talent sometimes takes a backstage to politics and other crap. Way back in 1992 Clint Eastwood starred and directed a really good Western called Unforgiven. It�s the story of a man who has long given up his haunted past being asked to once again pick up a gun and take out some justice for a prostitute who was sliced up. Eastwood puts in a powerful performance as does Gene Hackman who plays a ruthless sheriff. The problem was that both Eastwood and the film won an Oscar. Even taking out my two favorite films that year A Few Good Men and Aladdin there�s no way Unforgiven should have won. But it was a Thank You for Eastwood�s career and he no doubt did deserve that. Kinda the equivalent of Undertaker getting another number one shot because he�s a locker room leader. Regardless, the movie is fantastic, especially for a Western and the recently released special edition has some nice extras compared to the bare bones piece of crap edition that was stinking up the shelves for years.

And don�t forget to pick up: C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation - The Complete Second Season and Identity next Tuesday.

Express v2.1 Associate Producer credits for this week include: The Supreme Seth Berger, Torch Strap On Guy Keith Lipinski, Terry Yes This Is My Real Name McMahon, Super H, �The Celtan of Swat� Celian Varini, The SAVIOR Matt Huber and the Enforcer Ethan Coyle.

Wait a second! I just thought about something�. WHERE THE HELL IS DAWN MARIE?!!

***Derek Burgan writes Smackdown Express each and every Thursday night on PWTorch.com. He can be reached at Dburgan@pwtorch.com and welcomes any and all comments and/or suggestions.