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8/16 WWE Velocity review: Nunzio, Funaki, Hardy, O'Haire, Jordan

Aug 17, 2003 - 12:40:00 PM
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WWE Velocity review
August 16th, 2003
Taped August 12th
Aired on Spike TV
Report by Doron Barbalot, Torch Team Contributor


Hey everyone! It's been an interesting week indeed, with my first Lounge column, and then the big power outage!!! Well, powers back on, but my TV hasn't quite recovered and keeps fizzing up, so if I miss some spots, I apologize. Before I get into Velocity, I noticed that SlamBall has replaced Most Extreme Elimination Challenge as the Velocity lead in show. No!!! I mean, SlamBall's great, the previous show was the bomb. Well, I guess you can't have everything. The power is on in Toronto, and it's time for Velocity!

1st Quarter Hour

The Velocity intro airs, which seems to be recently updated, and pyro explodes! Josh welcomes us to the show, and here goes another week of Velocity! Josh tells us we're eight days away from SummerSlam, and that Vince McMahon has unleashed the real Brock Lesnar. Thank you Vince. Josh tells us that his partner tonight is Michael Cole. Oh boy. Apparently, Cat couldn't fly to do voice-overs, so we have to sit through Cole. Let's see if the cameras pick up Cat.

(1) Nunzio beat Funaki. Nunzio takes down Funaki but Funaki gets up and hits some arm drags. Funaki hits a big back body drop followed by a bulldog for two. Funaki springboards out of the second turnbuckle into a dropkick by Nunzio for two. Nunzio chokes Funaki. Nunzio hits a clothesline for another two. The announcers go off on Lesnar turning on Angle, while Nunzio applies a sleeper on Funaki. Funaki hits a dropkick and gets a backslide for two. Nunzio hits a back suplex for two. Nunzio nails some chops to Funaki in the corner. Funaki tosses Nunzio into the ropes but gets caught with an elbow. Nunzio misses a dropkick off the second rope and Funaki gets a two. Funaki nails an enzuigiri. Cole mixes up the two wrestlers. Funaki hits a back suplex for two. Nunzio applies an armbar and Funaki tries to escape. Nunzio grabs the tights and sits back for the victory. We see a replay and then Funaki argues. Good opener, but nothing special. Could have been better too.

Still to come: Match of the year candidate, A-Train vs. Stephanie McMahon.

Up next: We'll get some insight on who the real Brock Lesnar is.

(Commercial.) Funny thing to note here, apparently over the weekend WWE will be touring a bunch of the places that got hit with the power outage, including Michigan and southern Ontario.

We go back to a video, recapping what happened on Smackdown two weeks ago, when Lesnar turned on Angle.

We go to this weeks Smackdown, where Vince McMahon brings out the real Brock Lesnar. Umm, the real Brock Lesnar shouldn't talk. Lesnar talks about friendship. How many people on Smackdown have friendship problems? Benoit/Rhyno. Benoit/Guerrero. Lesnar/Angle. Rey/Kidman will soon. Wow. How repetitive. Lesnar tells everyone in the audience that they suck. More creativity.

2nd Quarter Hour

We go backstage later in the night, where Spanky is chugging chocolate syrup, with his pals Funaki and Orlando Jordan. He gets syrup on Vince. Uh oh. Vince tells Spanky that he's a stain in the underwear of life. At least it's a little stain. Spanky tells Vince that he's made other bad investments than marrying Linda, like the XFL and WBF. Wow, I haven't heard the WBF mentioned in a while. Poor Spanky is about to get killed, because he has a match with Brock Lesnar.

We go to Spanky vs. Brock Lesnar. Tazz was selling this like it was going to be a train wreck, and it was. Spanky goes for a top rope huracanrana, and Lesnar catches him with a triple powerbomb. Wow. Lesnar goes to grab a chair, shoves the ref away, and then ends Spanky's life with a chair shot to his unprotected head. Lesnar rubs Spanky's blood on his chest. Nice touch. Lesnar launches Spanky to the outside, and wipes blood off his head. Is that Spanky's? Or his own? Lesnar gorilla presses Spanky and throws him, ribs first, into the steel post, driving Spanky crashing into the floor. Holy sh*t. Great segment. Wow.

We see a graphic hyping Lesnar vs. Angle for SummerSlam.

Still to Come: A-Train vs. Stephanie McMahon.

(Commercial, including a great commercial for Confidential.) If you ever wonder how I pass the time during commercials, here's three letters for you. EWR. It's an unbelievably awesome wrestling sim that you can download for free at www. totalextremewarfare.com. Trust me, you'll be sorry if you don't download this awesome game.

WrestleMania Recall: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna at WrestleMania X. Yoko misses the Bonzai Drop, allowing Bret to pin him. That's all it took back then? No wonder no one broke their necks.

(2) Sean O'Haire beat. Ken Anderson. O'Haire takes down Anderson and hits a "roll of the dice" type move. Josh tells as Anderson has a martial arts and army background. O'Haire hits a big clothesline. O'Haire launches Ken with a powerslam. O'Haire nails some punches and big knees, followed by a throw, sending Anderson across the ring. O'Haire hits a snapmare followed by a sleeper. I'm honestly falling asleep here. O'Haire releases and kicks Ken in the front. O'Haire pins but Anderson gets his feet on the ropes. Anderson ducks a punch and nails a great dropkick. O'Haire hits a big clothesline, and then a huuuuuge gorilla press drop into the Widow Maker for the win.

3rd Quarter Hour

Still to Come: Matt Hardy vs. "The Lady's Man" Orlando Jordan. Cole informs us that he's not the "Lady's Man" being referred to. Um, thanks for clearing that up.

(Commercial) I'm off to throw cold water on my face, because I can't keep my eyes open. C'Mon Velocity, be more exciting!

We see a graphic hyping Metallica's St. Anger as the theme for SummerSlam. Cole, in his rocker voice, says "Metallica ruuules." I ain't making this up folks.

(3) The F.B.I. (Johnny Stamboli/Chuck Palumbo) beat Slater Vein & Steve Vender. Okay, I think I got that. Palumbo applies a headlock on Vender. Palumbo takes Vender into the corner and Palumbo takes over. A second later, Palumbo tags back in. Then Stamobli tags in and stomps. Palumbo comes in, picks up Vender, and tags out. I'm still not making this up. Stamboli hits a big kick for a two. Vein tags in but the ref doesn't see it. The FBI double team Vender. Stamboli. tags in and so does Vein. Vein hits some dropkicks and an enzuigiri on Palumbo. Palumbo hits a superkick on Vein and Palumbo pins him for the win. Wow, that wasn't very good.

Up next: I can't wait any longer, it's A-Train vs. Stephanie McMahon from Smackdown!

(Commercial) We see a Stacker 2 commercial with Triple H. Wait, so a fitness supplement doesn't have an obese man on its advertisements? Who'd a thunk it?! By the way, what kind of name is YJ Stinger? And shouldn't Jericho be in a commercial for Stacker 2's YJ Stinger.

Lugz Boot of the Week: The end of Stephanie/Sable from Vengeance, as A-Train assists Sable. I can't keep up with all these MOTY candidates!

Vince books Stephanie vs. A-Train. Did this segment really need to be 20 minutes long?!?!

4th Quarter Hour

We see A-Train vs. Steph from Smackdown. A-Train just destroys her in the first few minutes, hitting a splash in the corner. He goes for the Train Wreck, with his hands in an awkward part of Steph's body, but Undertaker saves the day. Taker and Train brawl in the crowd, and Taker nails a big chair shot to his back. Big Show runs out and saves Train. You know, there's six people at ringside, and neither one of them should be wrestling ever, but all of them were booked on the last PPV in prominent rolls. A-Train comes back in the ring and nails the Vader Bomb on Steph, for the three count. As JR would say, "Mercifully, this one is over." And they say Lance Storm is booooooring. Vince then makes out with Sable over Steph.

A graphic hypes Undertaker vs. A-Train at SummerSlam, as well as Guerrero/Tajiri/Rhyno/Benoit, and Angle vs. Lesnar. Well, two of those will be great. We learn that in breaking news, Zach Gowen vs. Matt Hardy has been added to the card. Why do I sense Hardy's going to lose?

(Commercial)

WWE Rewind: Matt Hardy costs Zach Gowen a match with Nunzio, two weeks ago on Smackdown.

(4) Matt Hardy (w/ Shannon Moore) beat Orlando Jordan. Matt Facts: Matt sleeps on his side and Matt's fortune cookies always predict success. Um, interesting. That fortune cookie must've lied, but I'm sure it tasted good. Cole hopes Jordan kicks Hardy's ass, and Josh says if anyone can do it, it's Jordan. So therefore so can A-Train, Cena, and everyone else that's beaten Jordan? Jordan locks in a headlock and armbar, but Hardy escapes. Jordan punches Hardy down and goes back to the headlock. Hardy shoves him away and gets hit with a shoulder block. Jordan hits a great armdrag and then a big dropkick for two. Hardy nails some punches and tosses Jordan to the outside. Moore boots away to Jordan on the outside, and then rolls him back in. Hardy chokes Jordan in the ropes, and then drops a leg across his neck. Jordan nails some chops but Hardy hits the Side Effect for a close two. Hardy applies a front face lock on the ground. Cole tells Cat at home that he likes Hardy's pants. Jordan hits a clothesline, and both men go down. Jordan nails some punches and then some more in the corner. Jordan nails a quick powerslam for two. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate and Jordan shoves him away, and then nails flying forearm for two. Jordan hits a big vertical suplex. Jordan goes up top and hits a big cross body for another close two. Hardy tosses Jordan to the outside but he holds on and knocks down Hardy. Jordan goes up top and Hardy catches him with a kick. Hardy nails the Twist Of Fate for the win. Well, Hardy finally has a program, but why's he still on this show.

Doron's Digest: That does it for this weeks Velocity. Less than average show. Best match honors go to the main event, with worst match being the FBI vs. Jobber Duo match. Not much else to say, besides I'm very tired after this boring show.

Doron Barbalat thanks you all for reading this Velocity review. He is extremely tired, and hopes to get a good nights sleep. He hopes you read his Lounge Column tomorrow. He can be e-mailed at dbarbalat@pwtorch.com if you have anything to say.


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