By Jeremy Maes, Torch Team Contributor

WWE Velocity review
July 12, 2003
Taped July 1, 2003 in Rochester, NY
Aired on TNN

Well hello there Velocity-ites. If you are wondering why in the blue blazes the HEAT review guy is doing the Velocity review this week, fear not. Dusty received a fat bonus check from Wade so he treated himself to a weekend off. Dusty wanted to ensure the quality of his personal review space so after a great deal of soul searching, he chose me. (Editors Note: Burgan was busy this weekend also.) So hold on to your seats it's time for another wild night of Velocity.

The opening montage, that features almost no one who appears on this show, airs and fades into a huge pyrotechnic display. The announcers, Ernest "The Cat" Miller and Josh Matthews, rundown the events pertaining to the "Amazing Zach Gowen!" and promise a full recap of his contract signing and event s afterwards on Smackdown.

(1) Sean O'Hare beats Bobby Rude. The Cat actually brings up the fact that Josh Matthews had wrestled Bobby Rude before. When pressed to answer who won the match, Josh gleefully said, "Bobby Rude. I do not win very much." I guess if you lose so often you can still keep your head up loud and proud. The match begins with O'Hare going straight on offense and snapping Rude down to the mat and then slapping the back of his head for good measure. Rude gets to his feet and the immediately go to s collar and elbow with O'Hare taking rude down again but this time administering a headlock which Rude counters with a head-scissors. O'Hare flips out and runs in to a leg trip by Rude who returns the slaps to the head O'Hare gave him earlier. None to pleased, O'Hare goes for a kick to the head and misses but follows up with another that connects to Rude's back sending him to the floor.

O'Hare follows him to the floor and runs Rude's lower back in to the ring apron dropping him to the ground. Rude stands and O'Hare gives him another kick and pushes him in to the ring. Sean follows where Rude is waiting and begins firing back with punches. His valiant attempt is met with yet another stiff kick. O'Hare picks up Rude and body slams him hard to the mat then covers him for the obligatory two count. O'Hare growing frustrated picks up Rude and gives him a toss body slam. It was an impressive site since Rude went about half way across the ring. O'Hare goes for the cover for another two count. Instead of picking him up, Sean kicks him in the back again then applies a back headlock while wrenching Rudes neck back. Rude finally fights back and hits a standing Hunicanrana on a stunned O'Hare and follows with a DDT and cover for a two count.

Both men rise up and begin exchanging punches. Suddenly, O'Hare pulls out the final kick he will administer this match doubling over Bobby Rude. O'Hare quickly follows with a Death Valley Slam or as Josh Matthews put it, "The Widow Maker." Not knowing that was the name of the move I instantly looked up from my notes in expectation that someone had dug up Barry Windham. But alas, no Barry Windham this day true believers.

I missed the first commercial break. I know in the script calls for four commercial breaks but cut me some slack!

They came back cold from the commercial and right in to the "The Amazing Zach Gowan" recap. I missed Smackdown this week cause the girlfriend thought the show ended at nine o'clock instead of ten. Small clips aired from two weeks prior with the moonsault and eventual pin of The Big Show by Zach. They added a little bonus footage of after the match where Zach swiped Chris Jericho's old celebrating with the crowd routine where he would fling himself on the guardrail and let everyone slap him. The clips from this past Thursday finally begin. Zach is in the ring with Princess Stephanie. Luckily she does not say a word in this segment. She was saving her voice for later. Zach says he is "proud to be the newest WWE Smackdown superstar but enough of the mushy crap. It is time to get down to business." Good job Zach, way to get the people behind you all you have going for you is the "sentimental crap." Before Zach can get his next line out "No Chance" blares and the crowd finally comes alive.

Vince, his ridiculous strut and all, and that is a compliment, along with Sable make their way to the ring. He enters and holds the ropes open for Phyllis Diller; wait a minute, where the hell did she come from? Oh my mistake, it is actually Sable wearing a Phyllis Diller sweater. Whew! Vince ballyhoos about how he can speak for all of the fans in Toronto, Canada and even the world by saying he is proud of the two of them. "Why would I be proud of a daughter who slaps her own father? Because it helped him achieve a goal." He turns to Zach and tells him that now that he has achieved his goal that he works for Mr. McMahon and that professionally Zach has to do whatever Vince tells him or Vince will publicly fire him.

"Vengeance is mine! So for you first match you can hobble over to Denver, Colorado for you first match against the most ruthless two-legged S.O.B. in the world (dramatic pause) me! Now don't mess those pampers of yours. I am considering wrestling the match with one arm tied behind my back. Or, I'll just hop around on one leg. Hell, I may even do it blindfolded. I am going to make you rue the day you signed that contract. You may have survived cancer but you will not survive me." Out of nowhere Sable wallops Stephanie with the clipboard that was used to hold Zach's contract. Step sold it like she was shot in the temple with a pellet gun at close range.

They cut to later on Smackdown where we find Mr. McMahon and PhyllisÖdamnÖSable entranced with each other when the wicked with of the west, sans make up bursts in and goes right after Sable. Wait, I was duped again, that was Stephanie giving her best screeching witch performance. It really was a site to behold. Stephanie is all arms and legs as security comes in and pulls her away from Sable. Like any good father would do he immediately books a match between Steph and Sable. In the background, Sable did not look to pleased. I could swear I heard Stephanie say "And your little dog too, as she was carried away.

Back in the present we find the F.B.I. in the middle of some hallway playing cards. Nunzio announces to Palumbo and the Bull that he is going to go get ready for his match when there is a knock at the door. Nunzio answers and a pizza delivery boy with thick black glasses, a bushy mustache, a cigar planted firmly in his mouth, like Groucho Marks, and large baseball cap, tells him he has complimentary pizzas for the F.B.I. it almost looks like the delivery boy has on a fake moustache but if he was surely the F.B.I. would be able to see right through that thin disguise. After some uncomfortable lines are exchanged, the pizza boy hands off the pizzas and walks down the hall away from the table they are playing cards. As he walks towards the camera the delivery boy drops his fake cigar then pulls off the glasses with attached mustache revealing the pizza boy to be Spanky. As he walks further away Spanky pulls out a large bottle marked "LAXATIVE!" and laughs silently. Oh the hilarity.

Commercial break: I did not know this, but if you do not drink Gatorade while performing athletics of any kind your sweat will turn different colors. From what I can tell, only Gatorade can solve this problem so I suggest picking some up immediately after reading the entire review.

Back from commercial there is a quick recap of who is in the United States title tourney. There are graphics for each match with the first match being Matt Hardy going up against Chris Benoit, which should have been the tourney final. The second match will be Eddie Guerrero taking on Billy Gunn. Please let this mean Billy Gunn is losing, please.

(2) Orlando Jones beat Chris Kanyon. Kanyon must have no friends in the WWE. The man is talented and seems to put forth a good amount of thought in to his matches and character. He is constantly losing left and right to less marketable people. Anyway, this match is rather watchable. In the opening minute or two both men exchange punches, arm ringers and arm-locks. OJ actually takes one of his arm-locks a little further by turning it in to a fireman's carry and then reapplying the arm-lock.

Kanyon eventually takes control and gives a charging OJ a boot to the face. Kanyon sets OJ on the second rope and proceeds to perform a Russian leg sweep from that rope. Kanyon recovers and cover OJ for the two count. Kanyon backs OJ in to the corner and tries slamming OJ's head on the top turnbuckle but for his efforts he is met with punches and a foot to the face. OJ's comeback falls short as Kanyon catches him with a hook suplex for a two count. Kanyon then picks up and drags OJ to the ropes and performs a falling leg drop, which was referred to as the "Lethal Legdrop." Kanyon once again only receives a two count for his efforts and quickly applies a knee to OJ's back along with a headlock.

OJ fights back but gets caught coming off the ropes with a neckbreaker by Kanyon. Kanyon decides to go for the "Lethal Legdrop" once again but OJ reverses it in to a powerbomb. The referee counts both men down until Kanyon rises at the count of 8. OJ follows suit and punches Kanyon. He continues with a flying forearm and three nice looking dropkicks. He brings Kanyon in to the corner and gives Kanyon some stiff punches. Kanyon blocks and goes for the Flatliner but OJ blocks that and executes an inverted neckbreaker for the win.

Commercial break: Burger King has a new burger," The Great American Burger." Same crappy taste but this time it is on a new bakery style bun! WhoHoo! Now it is time for everyone's favorite propaganda, truth. This time we find our heroes, 1200 of them to be exact, outside the offices of "A major tobacco company." In unison all 1200 of them drop to the pavement playing dead. One person remains with a sign saying, "Everyday 1200 people die of big tobacco." The next sign he hold asks," When are you going to take a day off." Now even if those facts are true I say, big deal, we gotta thin the heard somehow! For further debate VIP members can click here, the truth Debate

(3) A-Train beat Funaki. Before the match begins A-train does his usual shtick of throwing chairs in to the ring. For some reason he sets his sights on little Josh Matthews and chases him around the outside of the ring. Clearly winded, A-train slowly ascends the ringsteps and the bells rings. A-train tries kicking Funaki with the big boot but misses. Funaki bows to him and then high-tails it outside the ring. A-Train, clearly not learning, follows Funaki and then chases him around the ring. Difference here is that as A-train tries entering the ring Funaki dropkicks him in the face and follows with a plancha. Both men finally make it back in to the ring. A-train takes control with a huge shoulder block. A-train scrapes him off the mat and then bodyslams him hard right back down. Albert peels him off the mat and attempts a powerbomb. Funaki counters by punching Albert while on his shoulders. Funaki slips down A-Trains back and lowblows him when his attempt at a sunset flip stalls. Funaki runs to the turnbuckle and tries a cross body block. Albert easily catches him and maneuvers Funaki for the Trainwreck finisher and the victory.

After the squash match they replay bits of the handicap match from Smackdown. Great care was put in to this video package to only show clips where Lesnar handled himself admirably only to be caught from behind or double-teamed. The segment ended with Brock being chokeslammed through the announce table. Most convincing part of the segment came at the very end as Big Show pinned Lesnar with one foot on his chest. I think the Big Show is as untalented as the next guy but Lesnar brings out the best in the fat man. Show does not look out of place at all and can be taken as more than credible now that he has pinned the champ with one foot after a clean win. Handicap or not it is a clean win.

Commercial break: If anyone has not given "Most Extreme Challenge" a try you are missing out. It is pretty damn funny. The stunts are pretty basic but in at least every challenge there is one awful spill. Plus the dubbed commentary adds to the silliness. Did anyone else know that Starbursts keep you butt company? I didn't. Boy commercials sure are informative.

(4) Nunzio defeated Spanky in a hotly contested match. This is the first match I have seen Nunzio/Guido in which he has been matched against someone his own size in quite some time. I am not sold on the Spanky character but he held up his end of the bargain as far as work rate goes. Most of the action was too fast to remember but at the offset there was a nice sequence of chain wrestling, which ended with the obligatory stand around and wait for the audience to applaud spot.

The middle portion of the match saw Nunzio control the youngster with a boot to the face as Spanky rushed him in the corner. Nunzio met him with a boot to the face. Nunzio follows and applies a rear chinlock with one hand while the other hand pulled on Spankys' nose, wrenching his neck back. It looked painful. Spanky powers out and sends Nunzio towards the corner. Nunzio reverses the whip sending Spanky instead. Spanky however, knocks down Nunzio with a kick of his own. Nunzio rolls out of the corner and catches the on rushing Spanky with a drop toe hold smashing Spankys' head face first in to the second turnbuckle. Nunzio quickly climbs the second rope himself and hits the staggering Spanky in the face with a beautiful dropkick.

At the finale of the contest, Nunzio tosses Spanky over the top rope but Spanky has the where with all to hold on to the top rope, ala Shawn Michaels, and pulls himself back in to the ring. The two competitors roughhouse and Spanky hits a springboard moonsault on Nunzio taking him down. Following up, Spanky hits a climbing enzeguri (?) kick on Nunzio for a close two count. Spanky tried to follow up with the sliced bread #2 but Nunzio counters in to his falling shoulderbreaker for the three count and the victory.

Random thoughts: Well I hope I did an acceptable job of covering the hallowed grounds known as Velocity. Overall, Dusty has the better B-team show to review. The final match was very good and more than made up for the awful backstage pizza delivery boy segment. One much needed improvement that is needed greatly is in the announcing. I have a filter I enable for Heat but it does not work on Velocity. The show definitely needs some real announcers. Josh Matthews is just an annoying cad and the Cat serves no purpose. He does not call any of the action nor does he add anything to the matches on color commentary. The Smackdown highlight packages run at a decent length, which makes you, watch the show instead of depending on watching Velocity for what you missed, like I did. A well kid, that's it for this guest interpreter, like I say at the end of Heat, have fun!

I am always looking for feedback and comment, both positive and negative. You can reach me at Jmaes@pwtorch.com

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