WWE Velocity review
June 28, 2003
Aired on TNN
Taped June 24, 2003 in New York, N.Y. at MSG

The Velocity opening montage airs, featuring various Smackdown wrestlers.

Josh Matthews' and Ernest "The Cat" Miller's voices welcome us to Velocity.

(1) Billy Gunn (with Torrie Wilson) beat Kanyon. Matthews announces Wilson appearing in the latest issue of Ironman magazine, to which Cat claims he has several copies already. "How many copies, Cat?" "Only in America, kid." Cat echoes the sentiments of guys all over the world, asking how Billy Gunn could get so lucky by getting Wilson. Kanyon hits a nice Russian legsweep/facebuster combo for a two count. Gunn got a leaping Diamond Cutter for two. A Gunn dropkick actually gets two as well. Kanyon hits a swinging neckbreaker out of nowhere, but Gunn blocks whatever move he was attempting to follow up with and nails the Fameasser for the win. After the match, the crowd and the television viewing audience are treated to a glimpse of Gunn's and Wilson's asses. One out of two ain't bad.

We finally get to see Matthews and Cat, and I can't hear them previewing the rest of the show over Cat's outfit. Some tiger skin looking hat and jacket. Nice.

Commercial Break: Okay, if eating a Sour Starburst makes you make a funny face, why would you have one before looking at a cute baby and upsetting it with your funny face? More important still, how is the fact that eating one makes you make a funny face and scare a baby supposed to make you want to buy the product? Elsewhere, I ponder whether there is a Velo City somwhere in the United States.

We are treated to highlights of Smackdown two weeks ago, where Vince McMahon beats Zach Gowan at arm wrestling, temporarily ending Zach's quest for a wrestling contract. Later, Sable seduces Zach in Stephanie McMahon's office, only to reveal it was plot conspired with Vince to mess with the prospective wrestler. Steph barges in on Sable and Vince's love connection, kicking Sable out. Steph procedes to yell at Vince in the worst screeching way thought possible, saying something about how Zach is perhaps her last bastion of hope against Vince robbing her of her innocence. "Bastion of hope"? Who talks like that? Any who, Vince has a somber look on his face, perhaps contemplating how to make right his past wrongs.

A clip from last week's Smackdown reveals he was just as likely contemplating ordering pizza or Chinese, as he issues a fake apology to Zach, which Gowan rightfully turns down. Zach claims Mr. McMahon does not intimidate him, after all, he has been through "obstacle after obstacle after obstacle" to get where he is today and he feels he deserves a contract to wrestle on Smackdown. He claims he is sick of being treated like a joke, as Steph looks on approvingly. McMahon offers Zach an opportunity to get a contract - all he has to do is join the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club! Vince pulls down his pants and seems rather excited about doing so, even claiming he has a "nice looking ass." Yeah. He turns his back, waiting for Zach to do the deed. Steph whispers in Zach's ear, and Zach hits a low blow instead of joining the exclusive club. Like Zach couldn't have thought of that for himself, he needed Steph to tell him that what he should do. This just makes him look stupid and further undermines whatever drawing power he may have as a wrestler.

Commercial Break: You have to hand it to Castrol GTX and Greyhound for their loyalty. They have been sponsoring WWE television shows for as long as I can remember. Elsewhere, I wonder whether if, in re-subscribing to Sports Illustrated, I can pay a lower price if I indicate all I want is Reilly's column on the back page.

(2) Spanky beat John Xavier. Matthews talks about Matt Hardy winning his United States Title tournament match over Rikishi on last Thursday's Smackdown and wonders who else is in the tourney besides Hardy and Chris Benoit. Funny, so do the fans watching at home. Matthews assures us the tournament will be "jam packed full of Smackdown superstars." Xavier hits a reverse suplex and rolls through into a camel clutch, then rolls through into an arm bar. Great sequence. Matthews mentions the graduation of Orlando Jordan from Velocity to Smackdown, to which Cat responds: "So what? He lost!" Way to put over your talent. Xavier hits some high knees into Spanky's chin, causing Spanky to slouch down in the corner. Xavier goes up on the second rope to celebrate, then comes down off the ropes with a knee to Spanky's face for a two count. Spanky hits a leaping spinning heel kick, then a plancha onto Xavier on the outside. Xavier turns a Spanky leapfrog attempt into a powerslam for two. He hits a crossface neckbreaker, but takes too long in attempting a 450 splash off the top rope. Spanky capitalizes by hitting the Sliced Bread #2 for the victory. Great match. Give Xavier a contract.

The Kurt Angle/Vengeance preview video airs.

Commercial Break: Why would Tony V playing the drums entice me to want to buy a Twix? I mean, maybe if it was 1989, and it was Tommy Lee playing the drums, I might want to buy a Twix. Maybe. Elsewhere, New York Knicks fans go to the cinema and chant, "Fire Layden!" at the big screen.

The countdown begins early for WrestleMania XX in New York City next March. Highlights air of WrestleMania I, with Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse Ventura being heard doing commentary for that show. That was a great announcing combination. Even better than Matthews and Cat, as hard as that is to believe.

(3) A Train beat Kevin Knight. A total squash. Before the match, A Train turns over the thousand pound steel steps and tosses some chairs into the ring, showing his intensity or something. Cat laughs throughout the match, really putting Knight over as legitimate competition for A Train. The Train nails Knight's back into the ringpost twice. "Kick his ass some more!" Cat cheerleads. Train snaps Knight's neck between the first and second ropes and pulls up off the pin attempt at two. Knight sees his total offense of the match (two punches) no sold by Train, who hits the Train Wreck to put Knight out of his misery. "Good night, Knight!" Cat exclaims. "Good one, Cat!" Sure. Matthews likens Cat's outfit to the Urban Crocodile Hunter. If Josh Matthews makes fun of your outfit, it's time to get a new outfit.

Commercial Break: The nice people from TheTruth.com dump a whole bunch of money on the street, claiming that's what $5 billion looks like. The $5 billion that tobacco companies would lose if everyone stopped smoking or whatever. Last I looked, smoking was legal. Elsewhere, I wonder where TheTruth.com people managed to get "$5 billion." They don't seem have jobs, other than harassing people on the streets.

We are treated to clips of Smackdown last Thursday, where we pick up the six man tag team match between Big Show & Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin vs. Mr. America & Kurt Angle & Brock Lesnar. Hogan relives his glory days, pounding on Earthquake and Dino Bravo, uh, I mean Big Show and Charlie Haas. Angle and Lesnar pull Show out of the ring and hit a dual Angle Slam on Haas/F-5 on Benjamin, but Show ruins their reindeer games by hitting a double chokeslam on them. Hogan hits the usual finger point, punches, big boot combo but Vince interrupts by coming out with Zach. Instead of hitting the legdrop and getting the pin and then taking care of McMahon, Hogan chooses option number three, to stare at McMahon as Vince asks "What's wrong with your friend Zach? I know what's wrong - he's got a stomach ache" and then procedes to kick Zach in the stomach. Vince is hilarious. Show hits the distracted Hogan with a chokeslam to get the pin. After, Vince punches Zach a couple of times, but Steph is there to make the save, laying over his carcass so Vince won't hit him anymore. Again, undermining Zach's abilities. Vince announces Zach will get another opportunity for a contract next week on Smackdown. All he has to do is win a handicap match - Zach & Steph vs. Big Show. Vince is a really nice guy. I mean, he gave Zach a partner and everyone knows the team always beats the one wrestler in handicap matches. This looks like a lock for our young hero.

Commercial Break: It may or may not be ironic that Kelsey Grammar is "Gary the Rat" on the same network that airs WWE wrestling. I'm not sure. Elsewhere, Derek Burgan rants: "I subscribe to three insider newsletters and even I can't figure out why Frasier would compromise his values by appearing on the wrasslin network!"

(4) Chris Benoit & Rhyno beat The Basham Brothers (with Shaniqua). Matthews assures us that Vengeance will be "off the hook." We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, as everyone knows a 12 year old's opinion on something he knows nothing about is what's most important. We are told that Matt Hardy has since gained two pounds since losing the Cruiserweight Title, "so he's good." Cat rightfully questions the validity of Matt ever being under the required weight limit. The Bashams are hard to tell apart. I liked how, back in the day, then-WWF did a nice job of distinguishing Henry and Phinneas Godwinn, but they failed at distinguishing the Head Bangers (for example). The Bashams are the new Head Bangers. Everything Benoit does looks so crisp and believable. He's a true asset to the wrestling business, but you knew that already. Cat: "Shaniqua wants to spank a kid!" "What?!" What, indeed. Matthews does a rant on Cat, about how he never does his homework in preparing for his announcer duties every week. "I don't have to, I used to wrestle." Matthews continues to rag on Cat, sarcastically saying it's nice working with him and asks him how many championships he won as a wrestler. "I was commissioner." Long bearhug by one of the Bashams on Rhyno, who tries unsuccessfully to power out of it and lands back in it. Cat mentions something about either Big Show or Zach being a good dancer, to which Matthews claims he gets dumber and dumber listening to Cat each week. "I least I get paid," Cat replies, with a silent "more than you" aimed at the viewing audience.

Benoit tags in and opens up an extra spicy bottle of pain sauce on the Bashams, waking up the crowd and myself. Benoit hits a release German suplex on one, then snap suplexes the other onto his "brother." A flying headbutt on Doug leads to a pin attempt which is interrupted by Danny. Danny misses a dive and rams his shoulder into the ringpost. Rhyno hits the Gore on Doug and Benoit slaps the crossface on him for the submission. The announcers played it up like Rhyno might have been trying to hit Benoit instead, but Benoit moved out of the way in plenty of time, so it is amiguous as to what Rhyno's intentions were. The duo celebrates as the show fades to black.

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