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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 5/27: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast [updated]

May 27, 2010 - 10:30:41 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

Where We've Been: Here's what I had to say last week in the Roundtable (I'm not sure if it got enough responses to get published): Sting, with 1% of the vote and hatred from the members of the Championship Committee, is the new #1 Contender (seemingly in lieu of the King of the Mountain Match). Also, I could be mistaken (I fast forwarded a bit on principle), but I believe Abyss now has a slave. Going into the details of this show would be like asking Mrs. Lincoln how the play was. F In retrospect, that was about 65 words too many for that show—or maybe 1000 too few. I don't know why they think Sting—RVD will sell PPVs. Sting, who's wrestled a grand total of 6 minutes since the BFG main event in October, will be wrestling. Matt Morgan, who got 30% of the fan vote and was in the best match at that same PPV, didn't even make the rankings. WTF? I had been really looking forward to Slammiversary, AJ + RVD + Hardy + Dinero (or maybe Angle or Morgan) + Anderson would have been the best King of the Mountain Match ever, but...yeah, no but really. I'm just annoyed.


The Show: The Enigma & the A-$#@!

Tonight The Beautiful People will defend their titles against Wilde & Sarita, The Band will take on Team 3D and Ink Inc., and Jay Lethal will be taking on Kazarian.

Jeff Hardy's out to start the show. He asks his "creatures" what is up, and they're pleased to see him. He's out here for a simple reason—he's here to figure out what's up with the asshole himself, Mr. Anderson. Why did they have to bleep it out in the show title if he can say it? Anyway, Hardy asks Ken to come on down, and Mr. Anderson obliges. Jeff hands him his mic. Anderson starts by trying out a couple nicknames—Jeff, Jeffrey, Jeffro. Maybe Mr. Anderson uses tactics like that—shaking hands, helping people out—to confuse people. Maybe he does it cause he really is an asshole. Hardy is amused. The crowd responds that they're all assholes too. Anderson likes Jeff's looks, and his cool tattoos, but he has to admit that some old lady walking down the street would say "what an asshole!" He is an asshole, that guy's an asshole, she's an asshole, wouldn't you like to be an asshole too? I only get that reference cause it was also in Short Circuit. He gets the crowd to chant along to A-S-S-H-O-L-E. AJ styles hits the entrance, flanked by Flair, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money Inc. He addresses someone in the ring, who he's been told he has to wrestle tonight. "You" aren't even good enough to be in the ring with him. So he went to Bischoff to clear things up, only to find out that "you" had requested this match. Hardy is confused, but AJ wasn't talking to him. He was talking to that "butt munch" next to him. Doesn't he know who AJ is? AJ is the one. Anderson says that he does, but maybe AJ doesn't know who he is—MR. ANDERSON...(the mic drops) ANDERSON!

[Commercial Break]

We recap Jesse Neal—Team 3D. I don't care much about this feud, but it's still more interesting that Sting.

Team 3D and Ink Inc. are already in the ring. Ray offers Neal a fist pump, and Neal accepts. They are in fact operating under the Freebird Rule, only we now call it The Band Rule—any two members of The Band can defend their titles.

(1)THE BAND vs. TEAM 3D vs. INK INC.

EY starts things off with a wrist lock on Moore. Moore shoots him off, but EY comes back with a shoulder block. Moore gets an Arm Drag as he gets up, then drops a couple boots, but he only gets one on a cover. He nails the Mysterio-style Wheelbarrow Bulldog for two. Neal tags in. They hit a Double Arm Drag, then Moore Arm Drags him onto EY for two. Young reverses a whip attempt into the corner, but Neal comes off the middle rope with a Cross Body Block for two. Young pokes an eye as he gets up, then connects with a Body Slam. Ray tags himself in. We still don't know who Young's partner is. Ray goes for an elbow on Neal—Neal rolls away, but then gets up right into a clothesline. Ray chops the hell out of him, and it sounds brutal. Ray stands over Neal and hits him with forearms to the side of the head. Devon insists he tag in, then allows Neal to tag out to Moore. Moore comes in firing, and connects with a Sunset Flip for one. He hits a leg lariat, then tags back in Neal. Ray blind tags himself in and gets both Neal and Moore with a double clothesline from behind. He stomps down Neal in the corner, then lays in with the chops again. Ray gets a chair, but when he lifts it over his head to use it Devon takes it away. The Band are just walking away, bored. Ray turns around into a Spear from Neal, and that's it.

WINNERS: Ink Ink in six minutes.

Ray grabs a mic. He wants to know if Devon is out of his mind, but he'll deal with him later. Neal's getting too big for himself, and his ego's growing out of control. Ray will do something about it at Slammiversary, one on one. Neal seems cool with that.

Christy is in the back with Kazarian, who's more fired up than he's been his whole career, and there's one reason why—and here he is. Flair walks up, and says how impressed he is. If Kazarian really wants to win his favor though, he needs to deal with Lethal here tonight. He has faith Kazarian can do it, but he shouldn't take Lethal too likely. Still, Lethal's conditioning isn't what he thinks it is, so Kaz can wear him out. AJ walks in, yelling that he's been looking for Flair all night. Flair doesn't want to be interrupted. AJ points out that he's got a match against Mr. Anderson, but Flair says that he doesn't need to worry about it. AJ seems miffed.

RVD tells the Reaction-cam that he's calling Sting out tonight. Sting's got his match, but he's never gonna take his title.

[Commercial Break]

(2)KAZARIAN vs. JAY LETHAL

The crowd tries to start up dueling chants, but there are way more people behind Lethal. Kazarian starts things off with a couple straight right hands, but lowers his head for a Back Body Drop and eats a kick to the face. Lethal connects with a leg lariat. Kazarian tries to Back Body Drop Lethal out of the ring, but Jay lands on the apron and comes back with a Slingshot Hurricanrana. Kazarian rolls out of the ring. Lethal starts a Suicide Dive, stomps himself, then hits it. I wonder what that was about. Lethal rolls in Kazarian for two. He hits a high hesitating dropkick in the corner, but then gets distracted when Ric Flair starts coming down the ramp. Kazarian connects with a high knee to Lethal's back, then stomps on him in the corner. He connects with a Body Slam and a Springboard Leg Drop, then pauses to look to Flair for approval. He goes for a Back Drop, but Lethal lands on his feet. Kaz whips him off into the ropes, but Lethal comes back with a flying clothesline. Kazarian tries whipping him into the corner, but he comes right off it with an instant Moonsault for two. Kazarian connects with a Jaw Breaker as he gets up, but then walks right into a Standing Ensuguri. Lethal motions for a Figure Four, shares a glance with Flair, then does the whole Flair warm-up before locking it in. Flair runs down to the apron, but referee Earl Hebner is looking right at him. Kazarian eventually makes it to the ropes. Lethal goes over to taunt Flair, Flair slaps him in the face, and then Lethal takes him down with a forearm. The distraction is enough for Kazarian to sneak up behind him and hit a School Boy. Holding the tights is enough for the three count.

WINNER: Kazarian in five minutes.

After the match Flair continues his beat down on Lethal, stomping him in the ring and chopping him in the corner. He takes a minute to pose though, and Lethal reverses their position and lays in with chops of his own. Flair Flops. Lethal Back Body Drops him, then clotheslines him over the top rope and onto the floor. AJ Styles runs into the ring, and lays in with boots to Jay Lethal. The crowd tells AJ that he sucks. AJ is about to finish Lethal off, but Kazarian stops him. Kazarian wants to finish off Lethal himself, but AJ says that he had his chance. While they argue, Lethal takes them both out of the ring with a dropkick. Flair yells at AJ as Kazarian hides behind him (Flair).

Shannon Moore is laid out in the back.

[Commercial Break]

We recap Abyss—Chelsea. I go to get a snack so I don't have to watch.

Orlando Jordan comes down to the ring, complete with some sort of decoration on his nipples and lipstick. .

(3)ORLANDO JORDAN vs. ABYSS (w/CHELSEA)

Abyss goes for Jordan's wrists, but Jordan rolls out, only to get up into a couple right arms. Abyss rips off the decorations, then tries to charge Jordan in the corner. Jordan dodges, then bites Abyss's injured arm. He lays in with knees and elbows to Abyss. The crowd is pretty dead, but trying to rally. Jordan drops an elbow onto Abyss's arm from the top rope. A cover gets two. Jordan tries to drop another elbow, but Abyss rolls out of the way and nails a Big Boot as he gets up. This time a charge in the corner connects. Abyss signals for a Choke Slam, but Jordan escapes by raking the arm. Abyss whips him into the corner—he tries to float over, but Abyss catches him and plants him face first on the mat for two. Abyss clotheslines Jordan out of the ring. He follows him out and looks to ram him into the ring post, but Jordan slips out and shoves Abyss into Chelsea. Abyss knocks Jordan down, then goes to check on Chelsea. While his back is turned, Wolfe comes up behind him and nails him with a lead pipe.

WINNER: Abyss by DQ in five minutes.

Wolfe continues the assault on Abyss, then rolls him into the ring. Jordan meets him there to help more inflict damage. That brings out The Freak Rob Terry. Wolfe slips away and out of the ring, but Jordan walks right into "The Freakbuster" (a cross between a Choke Slam and a Spine Buster). Abyss carries Chelsea to the back, clearly distraught.

RVD is coming down to the ring.

[Commercial Break]

That commercial break saw 10 o'clock come and go. Fixing this sort of thing is really not rocket science.

We recap Sting's heelishness.

Here's RVD. Maybe he'll find a way to make me care about the upcoming title match. I doubt it though. He is insanely over still. He looks around warily, expecting an ambush. He's out here to talk to Sting. He knows he's here, somewhere. So he got a shot at the TNA Championship—that's what he wanted, right? (I wonder on what RVD bases that assessment, since Sting's given no indication that it was). RVD's well aware of Sting's iconic status. RVD's done a thing or two in his career himself. Isn't it amazing that their paths have never crossed before? Well, they're crossing now, and it's not gonna go down like Sting thinks it will. In fact if Sting wants to come down to the ring, RVD will give him a taste of how it will go. Sting's music hits, and then we see a video of Sting beating up RVD on his (RVD's) very first appearance on Impact. Sting addresses RVD from the rafters. What he did to RVD then was just a small taste of what he has planned for Slammiversary, cause at Slammiversary it's gonna be show time!

We cut to footage from earlier today of Hogan talking to Anderson. Hogan says that Anderson's backed himself into a corner, with everyone hating him. Hogan sees big dollar signs when he looks at him, but if he keeps going the way he is he won't even exist for long. Anderson says that he's trying, but Hogan's skeptical. Ken doesn't expect people to believe he's turned over a new leaf, but he's done some serious thinking lately, and just wants us to watch what he does tonight.

[Commercial Break]

Taz and Tenay have been joined by "Puppet the Psycho Dwarf", the owner of the new midget wrestling show. He says that his show has a lot to it—midget wrestling, jackass stunts, and beautiful women—what else could we want? I can think of several things.

Christy is in the back with Roxxi. This is all a little bit familiar—she's been so close in the past, but last time she got injured. Christy wants to be the first one to tell her that she's got a title shot at Slammiversary. Roxxi says "oh my god" approximately 84 times. Why is it that hard to find an interesting character for Roxxi? She used to have one.

(4)VELVET SKY & LACEY VON ERICH (w/MADISON RAYNE) vs. TAYLOR WILDE & SARITA
Knockouts Tag Team Championship Match

Sarita starts things off with a go-behind on Sky. Sky reverses it into an Arm Drag, but Sarita kips up right away. She mocks Sky as Sky dances. A twisting School Girl gets two. Sarita tags in Taz and does an amazing sideways-Moonsault (like a Fopsbury Flop inside the ring) onto Sky on her way out. Wilde follows it up with a somersault for two. Sarita blind tags herself back in. Meanwhile, Wilde trips Sky and drops an elbow. Sarita gets a cool roll-up—some kind of cradle—for two. Wilde tags in, and Sarita Drop Toe Holds Sky into a a dropkick from Wilde for two. Von Erich finally gets in a cheap shot from the corner, then tags in. They whip Wilde's back into the turnbuckle a couple times, then clothesline her. Von Erich hits a Claw/Slam for three.

WINNERS: The Beautiful People in 3 minutes. Why did Sarita just wait on the apron as Wilde was pinned?

"The Psycho Dwarf" goes down to the ring to help celebrate. They're amused, till he slaps Velvet Sky on the ass. Rayne then floors him with a DDT. Von Erich, however, goes to check on him, only to be caught in a lip lock. She pulls up, apparently pleased, then reciprocates.

Jeff Hardy says that tonight he'll be wrestling Desmond Wolfe. Jeff doesn't have much experience with the European style, so tonight they'll both be facing something they've never seen before.

[Commercial Break]

Kurt Angle joins Tenay and Taz on commentary. I guess once they had a third chair out they figured they might as well use it.

(5)DESMOND WOLFE vs. JEFF HARDY

Angle says that he's never wrestled Jeff Hardy. Really? Online voting to the contrary, the crowd is behind mostly behind Hardy—though it's really close. Wolfe starts things off with head butt to the abdomen and a European Uppercut on Hardy. He takes him down with a Snapmare, then back down again with a shoulder block. Wolfe comes off the ropes, Hardy leap frogs him, Hardy looks to elevate Wolfe up, Wolfe cartwheels past him, Wolfe looks for a clothesline, Hardy ducks underneath him, Wolfe leap frogs Hardy, then tries to lift Hardy up by the legs, only to have Hardy drop down split-legged onto him for two. That whole exchange took about eight seconds real-time. Wolfe rolls into the corner, then kicks Hardy from his back. Wolfe gets a European Uppercut. Hardy reverses an attempted whip into the corner, but Wolfe dodges him, bends him over backward, and kicks him in the back of the head for two. Wolfe goes for his running back elbow, but Hardy cuts it off with an Inverted Ensuguri. Wolfe falls back into the corner, where Hardy meets him with an elevated dropkick. Wolfe rolls to the outside. Hardy takes him down with a Baseball Slide, then follows up with a flying Cross Body Block to the floor as Wolfe gets up. Hardy rolls him back into the ring, but pauses to pose for a second, which enables Wolfe to jump him from behind. Wolfe rolls him back in for a two count. Hardy looks for a Jaw Breaker as he gets up, but Wolfe cuts him off with a knee. Hardy comes back with a Flashback, but when he tries to Follow up with a Twist of Fate Wolfe floors him with his Arm Wrench Takedown. Wolfe sets him up for a Tower of London. Hardy slips out behind him, but Wolfe catches him with a back elbow, then his running back elbow. Hardy catches Wolfe with a kick to the gut, but when he goes for the Twist of Fate again Wolfe stops him with a Hammerlock Takedown. Wolfe whips Hardy into the corner—Jeff tries to float over. Wolfe catches him, but Hardy reverses into a Head Scissors Takedown. Hardy clotheslines him down, but when he tries to follow up with a Whisper in the Wind he catches the ref. Wolfe looks for his finishing lariat, but Hardy ducks it and nails the Twist of Fate. The ref can't make the count though, so Hardy tries to revive him. While he's doing so, Wolfe pulls a slapjack out of his tights and whacks Hardy in the face. The ref turns around just in time to count the three.

WINNER: Desmond Wolfe in six minutes. The number of small things Desmond Wolfe, and to a lesser extent Jeff Hardy, did right in that match is simply staggering. It was almost a perfect six minutes.

[Commercial Break]

Matt Morgan is in the ring when we get back. The crowd informs him that he sucks. For some reason he's still referring to himself in the plural. Two weeks ago "we" got ambushed by Samoa Joe, robbed of the titles by Hall & Nash, and now "we" have been told that "we" have to find a new partner to get a rematch at Slammiversary for the titles "we" never lost. But "we" have decided to make the most out of this opportunity. "We've" decided to issue an open opportunity to anyone who wants to be one half of the tag team champions at Slammiversary. Morgan points to Kurt Angle, still at the commentary desk, and invites "that little bald guy in the back" down to the ring. He asks the "kid" whether he wants to be a star. Here's his golden opportunity. Kurt Angle says that first of all, he's not a little bald guy. Second of all, the last time the two of them were in the ring, didn't he pin Morgan's ass? Morgan's pleased to see that his new partner has a sense of humor. He knows Kurt must be a little star-struck, so he'll ask him one more time—does he want to be "our" partner or not? Morgan says "not" right away though, then shoves Kurt down. Kurt is about to explode, but security guards rush down and restrain him. Morgan taunts Angle till Joe's music hits—Morgan flees. He says that since he's clearly not going to get the answer he wants tonight, he's off the clock. In the ring, Joe turns around to see Kurt Angle. They stare each other down, seemingly in mutual respect, before Joe leaves the ring.

Anderson and AJ come out for the main event.

[Commercial Break]

(6)AJ STYLES vs. KEN "MR." ANDERSON

AJ dances around Mr. Anderson to start. They lock up and jockey for position all around the ring. Anderson seems to gain a slight advantage, but they break up clean. AJ goes behind him and slaps on a side headlock. Anderson tries to shoot him off, but AJ grabs a wrist and pulls him back into the headlock. Anderson suddenly reverses into a headlock of his own. He brings AJ to his knees. AJ tries to shoot him off, but Anderson won't break the hold. AJ tries to lift Anderson up into a Back Drop, but Anderson falls forward into a Snapmare, never breaking his hold. While on the mat, AJ reverses into a Leg Scissors. They trade holds back and forth for a second, till Anderson breaks out of one and to his feet. AJ takes him back down with another side headlock, but Anderson gets out quickly and connects with a right hand. AJ comes back with chops, and the two of them trade blows. Anderson kicks AJ in the gut, then locks in another side headlock. AJ shoots him off, leap frogs him, then nails his high dropkick for two. He elbows the back of Anderson's head, but Anderson fights back from the mat. AJ tries to leap frog him again, but Anderson catches him with an Oklahoma Roll. That was neat. AJ pokes the eyes as he gets up, then nails a Standing Ensuguri for two. AJ lays in with straight right hands to the side of Anderson's head, then chokes him with his boot till referee Slick Johnson breaks it up. AJ Snapmares Anderson to his knees, then locks in a crossface-clutch. Anderson powers out and comes up firing. He ducks a clothesline, then comes off the ropes with a Cross Body Block. AJ rolls through , grabs the rope with his legs, and also pulls the tights to keep Anderson down.

WINNER: AJ Styles in five minutes. It was really weird—they seemed to be settling in for a very long match, and then it just ended. It was fun though.

Anderson smiles, looking amused as he gets up. He signals for the microphone. AJ looks around confused, and Anderson admits that he doesn't know how it comes down either. It's magic. He says that AJ beat him, and—what's more impressive—he beat him at his own game. AJ doesn't know what he's talking about. Anderson asks whether AJ used the tights, but AJ says no one saw it. Anderson asks his "assholes" in the crowd, and they say that he did. Anderson pops AJ with his mic and lays in with rights. Beer Money run down to make the save, and they and AJ triple team Mr. Anderson. Jeff Hardy's music hits, and he runs down to the ring with a steel chair. AJ and Beer Money flee. Mr. Anderson backs into Hardy, and Jeff almost hits him with the chair before he stops himself. Jeff thinks for a moment, then extends his hand. Anderson takes it.

Where We're Going: There are a lot of interesting things happening on the way to Slammiversary, but absolutely none of them have anything to do with the World Heavyweight Championship. RVD tried his best to sell this as a dream match, and maybe to a certain population it is, but I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of people on the TNA roster I'd be less interested in seeing than Sting wrestle for the title. It's going to be really hard for TNA to overcome that to make Slammiversary worth getting.

Star of the Night: Mr. Anderson did everything asked of him amazingly, but Desmond Wolfe is really just an artist in there.

Overall: Well, it was a lot better than last week. I mean Sting's still the #1 Contender and Abyss still has a slave, but no one seemed to care much about either fact tonight. The Anderson plot is actually pretty intriguing, which is something TNA's been missing for quite a while. (Actually, they've been worse than missing intrigue—they've been spectacularly failing to create it, as we've seen in Joe's abduction and Sting's heel turn). The matches were all pretty good, though they had a bizarre number of very sudden and not totally comprehensible endings. They would have done well to cut out one of the matches (Jordan vs. Abyss, I'm looking at you here) to give Anderson and AJ time to really go, but I assume they were just teasing a future PPV main event. Kazarian vs. AJ has the potential to be great too—I know a lot of people don't like AJ as a goofy heel, and that's somewhat fair, but the matches alone should make it worthwhile. It's good to see Lethal being treated as a star again. The show ended on a high note, which is, as usual, hugely important to me. B+

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He's trying to switch to a normal human sleep cycle, which is suddenly making 11:30 seem like a late time to be posting on the internet. Any people who've succesfully altered their circadian rhythms can send their success stories to dawilk316@gmail.com.


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