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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 5/13: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast [updated with commentary]

May 13, 2010 - 10:34:46 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

Where We've Been: I couldn't do a live recap last week, but thankfully I didn't miss much. The half-dozen or so performers central to the first and last segments had a combined age of roughly 476, and it showed. Poor Jay Lethal actually put on a hell of a show imitating Ric Flair, but it was lost amid Hogan wackiness. It's a shame, cause there was really some good stuff in the middle, but it was vastly overshadowed. On the bright side, tonight's promised main event is actually the match I had been looking forward to as the Sacrifice main event in RVD vs. Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles, so if they give that 20 minutes it should be amazing. In other fun news, after jobbing Wolfe out in under five minutes and changing the voting rules so that his small number of fans couldn't elevate him to 35% of the vote...Wolfe got 50% of the vote. Huh.


The Show: Three Tickets to Sacrifice

Capitalizing on the excitement generated by the end of last week's show, we start with a recap of Hogan—Jarrett—Sting. Oh wait, that generated exactly no excitement. Hm. They at least also show a recap of RVD vs. Wolfe that lasts approximately as long as the original match.

[Introduction]

We'll see Tara vs. Taylor Wilde tonight, as well as a roll-out of the new rankings. It looks like we might be starting with that, since here comes Eric Bischoff. Tenay talks about how TNA listens to its fans, like when they returned to Thursday nights. I hate it when they treat us like idiots. You tried to take on the big bad wolf, and you weren't ready yet. Deal.

Bischoff's excited to be here. Without any further ado, he'd like to introduce the heavyweight champion of the world, Mr. TNA, Rob Van Dam. Whoa, "Mr. TNA" used to mean something—don't just throw that around. RVD's out, and as much as I hate his music, the crowd seems to love shouting along with it. The crowd is riotously loud. He mentions the poll, and says that it revealed some interesting things. Jeff Hardy was one of the top vote getters (last I checked he was in 4th place at about 5%--that's some good fan-listening-to), so Bischoff figured it would be a great idea to put them in a match tonight. Unfortunately, they can't exactly find Jeff right now, so Bischoff doesn't see any choice but to give RVD the night off. The crowd boos. RVD draws attention to the boos, and says that the best part of being champion is defending the title and proving you're the best. He's here to boost ratings and be the Whole F'ing Show, so there won't be any nights off. Cue AJ Styles. He tells RVD to watch his language—he should be a role model like AJ. That's right, AJ's a role model. He's glad that RVD wants to fight, cause AJ's in the mood to hurt someone. Besides, does RVD really think that these people are here to see him? (They say that they are). They're here to see AJ Styles, not some Cheech and Chong wannabe. He is TNA, and TNA is him. He knows we're all wondering why he'd want to fight three days before he has RVD at Sacrifice. Tonight he's going to break RVD's legs, cause at Sacrifice he has no intention of breaking a sweat when he reclaims his title. It is his—it's always his. Jeff Hardy shows up. He's sorry he's late, but this 8 o'clock call time is confusing. They're on Monday nights, they're on Friday nights, how's he supposed to keep track? AJ says that he already has the match. Jeff says that since RVD is the champ, he has the keys to open any door in TNA, metaphorically, so why doesn't he make it a three way? RVD thinks it's a good idea, so Bischoff makes the match. AJ's really ticked, but I'm not totally sure why.

I love the fact that Jeff Hardy felt the need to specify that RVD's key is metaphorical.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with The Beautiful People. Rayne says that Tara needs to face the fact that she's not the Knockouts Champion anymore. She needs to accept that this is Madison's time now, and she's going to prove to everyone that she deserves that title. Velvet Sky says that they'll be keeping all the gold, and so everyone will see—Lacey cuts her off with their catch phrase then runs off to the ladies' room. Sky is annoyed, but Rayne reminds her that Lacey is really really pretty.

(1)TAYLOR WILDE (w/SARITA) vs. TARA (w/POISON)

Tara gets Slick Johnson to send Sarita to the back, then turns into a double leg takedown followed by some strikes. Tara rolls out of the ring, but Wilde follows her out with a Body Press. Tara rolls back in and begs off crying, then yanks Wilde out of the ring and onto the ramp. We're told that if Abyss wins his match on Sunday Chelsea will be his property for 30 days...not cool. Tara tosses Wilde back in, but misses when she tries to come in after her with the Slingshot Leg Drop. Taylor Wilde comes off the middle rope with a cross body block and sort of falls into Tara's boot. That's 3? Was that supposed to go down that way?

WINNER: Tara in about a minute. WTF?

After the match Tara takes off her knee brace and lays into Taylor Wilde till Sarita comes back out to make the save.

Chelsea is sobbing in the back. Wolfe tries to get everyone to leave them alone.

[Commercial Break]

Christy tells us that she is disclosing to police that she was attacked backstage. I get it—they're trying to come up with a stupid plot to get the fans to turn on Wolfe. That's clever. Yes, they could theoretically handle whatever this is well, but I doubt they will.

(1)DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs. KENDRICK

Williams grabs the mic and says that Kendrick is a loser—he's not sure he's seen Kendrick win a single match. He's not worthy of wrestling for his TNA title (it's not his), so this match will be non-title. Kendrick jumps the bell and attacks Williams, but Williams powers him off and backs him into the corner with European Uppercuts. He hits a high knee in the corner, then a straight Suplex for two. Kendrick fights back from his knees, but when he comes off the ropes Williams floors him with a back elbow. Kazarian comes out to join the commentary booth. Kendrick floats over something during a reaction shot. I hate those. He hits a couple knees to Williams's gut and gets a Cross Body Block for two. Williams rolls out of the ring, then picks Kendrick's leg from the outside. He wraps the leg on the apron, then comes back in, drops on the knee, then locks in a Single Leg Boston Crab. Kazarian goes down to the ring to get the X Division Championship Belt. Williams goes to grab it, which gives Kendrick the opening to get a School Boy for the win.

WINNER: Kendrick in a bit shy of 3 minutes. After the bell Williams is able to grab the belt.

In the back, Chelsea has officially made an allegation against someone, but Christy can't find out who.

[Commercial Break]

Christy says that she has confirmed the name of Chelsea's attacker, and if the allegations turn out to be true they'll have serious implications. However, police have told her not to say the name till they have the suspect in custody.

(3)MATT MORGAN vs. GENERATION ME
Handicap Match

Max and Jeremy pile on Morgan as he gets into the ring. He shoves them both down, then floors both with a Double Clothesline. He connects with a Hellevator on Jeremy (I think) and a Carbon Footprint on Max. Morgan grabs a mic, and asks Hogan if he looks like he's playing. "We" warned Hogan that if he didn't tell him who his partner was there'd be blood, and "we" were serious. He tosses Jeremy out and looks to get him with the Carbon Footprint into the ring post. Samoa Joe's music hits. Morgan gets back in the ring to wait for Joe, but misses on an attempted Big Boot in the corner. Joe nails him with the jumping Ensuguri, then connects with a Muscle Buster. Apparently they're taking the re-bad-assing of Joe seriously. Is there still a match going on? The Band's music hits, and they come down to the ring. Nash is holding his Feast or Fired Tag Team Title Shot. Tenay voices my thoughts exactly when he says that he'd forgotten all about it.

WINNER: No contest?

(4)KEVIN NASH & SCOTT HALL (w/ERIC YOUNG) vs. MATT MORGAN
Tag Team Championship Match

Nash makes the cover on Morgan for three.

WINNERS (and new Tag Team Champions): Scott Hall & Kevin Nash in 4 seconds. I wonder if the Free-bird Rule is in effect?

[Commercial Break]

Ink Inc. are getting psyched in the back.

(5)THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. BEER MONEY INC. vs. TEAM 3D vs. INK INC.
Four Corners Tag Match

Shelley and Storm start things off. Storm backs Shelley into his corner, but Shelley fights out, rolls up Storm, and makes a tag to Sabin. They toss Storm from the ring, and Sabin follows him out with a Suicide Dive. Sabin rolls Storm in for a cover for two. Storm tags in Roode, and Devon tags out Sabin. Roode and Devon brawl till Devon hits a Snap Power Slam. He makes the cover, but Shelley comes in and pokes him in the eye to break it up. Ray tags in, but before he can do much Shannon Moore tags him out and jumps over Ray to hit a Cross Body Block off the top rope on Roode for two. Roode whips Moore into the corner. Moore tries to float over, but Roode catches him and tosses him to the outside. Storm capitalizes with a cheap shot and rolls Moore back in. Storm tags in, and Roode hits a cool Wheelbarrow into a Code Breaker from Storm. Ray breaks up the cover at two, and Roode tags back in. He takes Moore down with a Snapmare, then works a chin lock. Moore fights out and connects with a Sunset Flip for two. Roode connects with a Decapitator Clothesline as he gets up, and Shelley breaks up the ensuing cover at two. The crowd is alive for Jesse Neal. Storm tags in and goes back to the chin lock, but Moore powers out, comes off the ropes and connects with a Bulldog. Moore is almost to Neal. Roode tags in and cuts him off, but Moore kicks him off and makes the tag to Neal. Neal hits a couple clotheslines and a running back elbow on Roode before taking him down with a Back Body Drop. He knocks the Guns off the apron with a Double Clothesline then hits a cool Inverted-Atomic-Drop-into-a-Facebuster on Roode. Ray tags out Roode, then takes down both Roode and Storm with a double clothesline. Neal goes for the quick School Boy on Ray, but the Guns break it up. Devon goes to help out Ray, so the Guns hit their double team Facebuster Dropkick. Sabin takes down Storm on the apron with Poetry in Motion, but when he goes to the apron himself Roode picks his leg. Shelley leaps out of the ring with a flying forearm that takes down Roode. In the ring Team 3D hit a Doomsday Device on Neal, but Moore breaks up the cover at two. They go for a 3D on Moore, but Neal knocks Devon out of the ring. Ray's not happy, so he slaps Neal in the face. Moore comes off the middle rope and catches Ray with the "Mooregasm" Neck Breaker. Neal finishes off Ray with a GORE for the win.

WINNERS: Ink Inc. in 7 minutes of really good action.

Flair is once again talking with subtitles, and I still can barely understands it. He hopes tonight will drive a wedge between RVD and Jeff Hardy, and that one way or another RVD's going to be limping out of the Impact Zone. AJ won't need any of his help.

Up next, Rob Terry will be defending his Global Championship against Abyss. I mean unless the police arrest Abyss first.

[Commercial Break]

Jeff Hardy and RVD are planning for the match. They get subtitles too—it'd be way funnier if they just did that for Flair. Not surprisingly, Hardy would like to be the champion some day. They both agree to bring it.

Rob Terry comes out for his match, but Abyss is busy being arrested. Give me a minute to contain my shock. Abyss is yelling that he's innocent. Oddly enough, he's not yelling in his Abyss voice. He yells for Dixie, then Vince, which confuses the hell out of me till I remember that Russo's still there. Desmond Wolfe runs in screaming and jumps Abyss. Police pull him away. Hogan comes over, and he assures Abyss that he has his back. Abyss is telling him that they want to take his mask off, but he doesn't want to do it. Eventually Hulk talks him down and gets the mask. Wolfe is still screaming in the background. This is really silly. In fact it's so absurd it almost makes me think they have to make him guilty and pull a double turn. They won't though. They'll just stick with silly.

Rob Terry is still standing around in the ring, which is where Orlando Jordan jumps him. Jordan stomps him a few times before connecting with a low blow. He gets a lead pipe from under the ring and whacks Terry in the back. Jordan leaves a wild card on Abyss (it's actually a card that says "wild card"--I didn't know those existed outside of Uno).

[Commercial Break]

Orlando Jordan is still in the ring, but now he has a mic. He thinks it's about time he cuts the foreplay. He knows he's unpredictable—he does what he wants to and says what he wants to, cause he is the TNA wild-card. Jordan asks if the audience really wants him to leave. I guess to their credit, an audible minority yell "no!" He ignores that group and says that he'll fulfill all their fantasies by issuing an open challenge—anyone in the back who wants him out of the ring can come out and try to force him. Tomko accepts the challenge.

(6)TOMKO vs. ORLANDO JORDAN

Tomko backs Jordan into the corner, then bounces off with a Spine Buster. Jordan tries to pick a leg, and eventually is able to get the take down. Tomko gets up in the corner. Jordan whiffs on a charge, and Tomko connects with a Fall Away Slam. He looks for a Power Slam, but Jordan slips out and nails a nice high dropkick. Tenay segues from Abyss to Jordan with the line "speaking of mental issues"--he better be talking about the violent tendencies, not the bi-ness. Jordan cinches in a chin lock. Tomko powers out with some chops. Jordan leap frogs him, but Tomko connects with the Decapitator Clothesline for two. Jordan connects with a quick shot to the throat and a Back Stabber for two of his own. Tomko tries to lift him up, but Jordan locks in a Guillotine Choke in mid-air. Tomko goes down to the mat.

WINNER: Orlando Jordan in 3 minutes. He's better than I remembered, but he really needs to rely less on the lame strikes.

Hogan is annoyed in the back, saying that Abyss isn't that guy. I'm not sure who he's talking to. Someone comes up and hands him what looks like an iPod. It looks like Lacey Von Erich, but I can't really tell with the Reaction-Cam [it is her].

[Commercial Break]

Bischoff is talking to Tara. He says that she's damned right she's going to wrestle again. Sarita demanded the match after what Tara did, and the way Tara's been acting he sees no reason not to give it to her.

(7)SARITA vs. TARA

So is Madison Rayne the face on Sunday? Sarita attacks Tara on her way down the ramp. She Snapmares her down and kicks her in the chest. She lifts Tara by the hair back onto the ramp, then tosses her into the ring. Tara rolls out, so Sarita follows her and smashes her head into the steps. Tara tries to bounce back swinging, but Sarita ducks and hits a dropkick. She rolls Tara back into the ring then goes to the top rope. Tara charges the corner, so Sarita leaps over her and comes back with a clothesline Sarita hits a cool cross between an Arm Drag and a Suplex. Tara tries to cry, but Sarita's not buying it. She charges. Tara uses her legs to lift Sarita over the ropes, but Sarita lands on the ramp and comes back with a Slingshot Splash. Sarita decides to rip off Tara's knee brace, but Slick Johnson pulls her off. She tries to escape his grasp and accidentally knocks him down. Tara takes advantage to connect with the knee brace, and Johnson turns around just in time to count the three.

WINNER: Tara in about 2 minutes. Tara continues the beat down after the match till the ref pulls her off.

[Commercial Break]

The RVD—AJ commercial for Sacrifice is pretty good.

We recap the return and turn of Sting.

It looks like they are going to give this match some time, cause here's Jeff Hardy. I think I'm going to enjoy this match straight through (as opposed to rewinding after fast action). My apologies in advance if I miss some calls, but this should be watched properly.

RVD is ready to come out and show us, as if we didn't already know, that he's the Whole F'ing Show—but not quite yet.

[Commercial Break]

8)RVD vs. AJ STYLES vs. JEFF HARDY
Triple Threat Non-Title Match

Can WWE sue me for calling it a "Triple Threat"? Jeff Hardy is chanting along to RVD's music. AJ tries to pick a fight with someone in the crowd. Tenay stresses how our votes matter, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I guess Hardy did really well in the last poll, so that's almost legit. Hardy and RVD look like they're about to double team AJ, so he attacks them first. RVD stops him with a Spinning Heel Kick, and Hardy takes him down with a Flashback. They do a double Arm Drag. RVD connects with a Leg Drop and Hardy goes for a cover. RVD pulls him off, so Jeff nails him with his Inverted Ensuguri. Hardy gets a quick Back Body Drop on AJ for two. RVD is back. He makes as if he's going to help out with AJ, but he hits a side kick to Jeff instead. Then he goes after AJ, then nails Jeff followed by AJ with Vertical Suplexes. He goes for the cover on AJ, but Hardy breaks it up. Hardy gets an Inverted Suplex to each of RVD and AJ, a Stunner on RVD, and a Neck Breaker on AJ. He goes for the cover on RVD, but AJ breaks it up. He knocks down Hardy, then floors RVD with a Dragon Screw. The crowd is split between RVD and AJ. AJ locks in a Figure Four, but Hardy breaks it up with a Leg Drop on AJ. Hardy goes to the top rope, but AJ knocks his legs out from under him. AJ spends too long in the corner and RVD catches him with a Monkey Flip. Mr. Anderson ambushes Jeff Hardy on the outside as referee Brian Hebner takes a bump. RVD sees Anderson on the outside and goes to help out his buddy. AJ follows him out with a Somersault Plancha onto all three men. He then connects with a DDT outside the ring, rolls RVD back into the ring, does a mini-Splash between the ropes, and uses the ropes for leverage and a three count.

WINNER: AJ Styles in 7 minutes. Ah, silly me thinking this would be the main event just because they, y'know, explicitly said it would be.

Mr. Anderson cheers AJ's win. Hardy checks on RVD, then tells him that he's got this. He calls Anderson to the ring. Anderson tries to back out, but he hears Hogan's music. Hogan's there and not letting him go. Anderson goes for the shot on Hogan, but Hulk blocks it and punches Anderson. Hardy runs up and tosses Anderson off the ramp.

[Commercial Break]

Hardy and Anderson are brawling by the ramp. Anderson takes control, but Jeff reverses an attempted Irish Whip into the barricade. He whips Anderson into the platform below the commentary booth, then sets him up on a table in front of it. Jeff goes to the top of the broadcast table and hits a Swanton Bomb on Anderson through the table. I'm bad at judging heights, but I wouldn't be shocked if he got up to 12 feet at the apex. Refs and trainers come out to check on Mr. Anderson.

Tenay says that "this is the moment we've been waiting for", which it's not. We cut to Lacey Von Erich's footage, which turns out to be Wolfe and Chelsea rehearsing her fake accusation in the bathroom. It's a nice small touch that they accounted for Von Erich's presence there earlier, not that it would have really needed accounted for.

We get a hype package for Sacrifice.

Where We're Going: Sacrifice looks to be a pretty decent card, at least at the top. AJ vs. RVD should be great when they finally get the time to do it properly; Hardy and Anderson both seem to be on top of their respective games too. Again, I'm really annoyed that I'm somewhat into the Jordan—Terry feud despite it being idiotic on so many levels. Also at Sacrifice, we'll get to see what wacky thing TNA does to make us stop liking Desmond Wolfe. My guess? They reveal that James Mitchell is his father.

Star of the Night: Ink Inc.. They were given two weeks to become a credible challenger for the TNA Tag Team Championships, and seem to have actually done it. Jeff Hardy gets an honorable mention for the crazy Swanton Bomb.

Overall: They really need to fire whomever has the job of deciding what should go on last. The Abyss—Wolfe angle was the stupidest thing in wrestling since, well, 6 minutes earlier in the show when they announced that a woman would be sold into indentured servitude if her boyfriend lost a match. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that that contract would not be enforceable. Also, here's a little known fact—Columbus, Ohio is actually a hub of female slave trafficking, so the whole "owning" the woman for a month thing is not so cool. They gave a PPV main-event level match away, but did so by first hyping it on their website and then making it seem like it was spontaneously booked. If they'd played their cards right they could have actually made be believe that Hardy had been late for tapings, which wouldn't have really been that much of a stretch. The booking of the Knockouts Division right now confuses me greatly. Last I checked, Tara's contract was about to expire, so I don't quite follow the logic of jobbing out two of their best women in under four minutes combined. The tag match was really good, the main event match was a fine seven minutes and I'm always a fan of wacky Money-in-the-Bank-style impromptu title matches, but other than that there really wasn't much to recommend this show. There was, however, a whole lot to condemn it. Welcome back to Thursday nights! C-

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He can't figure out why his ethics class has been low energy lately. Ideas and other comments can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com.


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