TV REPORTS TNA IMPACT RESULTS 4/5: Keller's ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Hulk Hogan, Beautiful People, Lockdown hype
Apr 5, 2010 - 9:12:47 PM
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By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor
KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
APRIL 5, 2010
LIVE ON SPIKE TV
-The show opened with Abyss saying he wants to destroy Team Flair and footage of Abyss throwing Ric Flair and A.J. Styles through the ramp and ring. Hulk Hogan then told Abyss he has respect for him after seeing what he did to Flair. A clip then aired of Styles using a low blow to stop Jeff Jarrett from hitting Eric Bischoff with a guitar. The title of this live show is called: "Advantage: Team Flair." Do they not know that they if the show is live, and the title gives away the end result of the show, they're kinda running spoilers and defeating the purpose of being live? Can you imagine the opening of a big boxing or MMA card with the title being "The Triumph of [Participant in Main Event]"?
-Christy Hemme stood in a locker room announced an eight-man tag match. My eyes glazed over as she explained all of the rules about keys and eliminations. It's like having to cram for a test trying to listen and memorize or just digest these 30 second explanations on match stips. She eventually said someone having to strip to a bra and panties and parade around the ring. Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky walked into the room and talked about the match. Rayne said tonight will be a night the millions of Beautiful People fans will never forget. Lacey Von Erich walked out in a white towel and said everyone wins because tonight she'll be walking around in her bra and panties. Maybe not keeping their name from TNA wasn't such a bad idea.
-The TNA Impact opening aired, then pryo blasted as Mike Tenay introduced the show.
-Hulk Hogan, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett walked out onto the stage. Tenay plugged Lethal Lockdown coming up on Apr. 18. Taz said Eric Bischoff isn't around tonight and he hopes to get an explanation from Hogan. Tenay encouraged viewers to let their friends know that Impact is live on Spike right now, an hour early. Hogan said he thinks they've got some horsepower behind Team Hogan. Hogan was showing off his new Hogan t-shirt that has his face and reads underneath "Change." Abyss said the other team has never dealt with someone like him. He said when he's thrown them all over the cage at Lockdown, then and only then will they know the definition of pain and suffering. He said Team Hogan "will kick Team Flair's ass."
Ric Flair was wheeled onto the stage by Chelsea, with Desmond Wolfe, "The Icon" Sting, and Beer Money Inc. joining him. Flair said regarding Hogan's team, "You've got to be kidding me!" He touted Wolfe and Beer Money. He said there's more history between he and Sting than "there is in the entire wrestling world." Flair yelling at the top of his lungs constantly is just unpleasant. Why does everything have to be at "11" with him, and really most all TNA promos?
He touted that he has his Hall of Fame ring, and in St. Louis he's going to shove it down Abyss's throat. Hogan told Flair to "shut the hell up." He said he sees what he has on that stage, but he feels the power of Team Hogan, too. He told Flair not to sell him short because he's got a full powerful team and he'll find out the final Team Members "when the time is right, dude." Flair said a bunch of nonsense about popularity contests and "don't say it, play it" and something about coming to the ring now to prove something. As they headed to the ring, Jarrett said he had a message for Sting. He asked him to step into the ring without a baseball bat and answer one question. Sting entered the ring after handing his bat to Wolfe. Jarrett said they go back over 20 years and almost from day one in TNA. He asked him. "Why now has the dark side come out of you?" That question is a month stale at this point, but at least it's finally being asked. Jarrett said he may not deserve an answer, but the people in the Impact Zone deserve an answer. "Whaaah now?" Jarrett asked. He then slapped Sting. Sting DDT'd him and slipped out of the ring.
Wolfe then attacked Abyss with a baseball bat. Beer Money and Wolfe cornered Hogan. Jeff Hardy's music played and he and Rob Van Dam came to the ring through the crowd and made the save, although it took them seemingly forever because a couple tourists blocked them (which was hilarious, and the result of a lack of detail work by security), leaving the heels standing there waiting for too long. The director went to an odd camera shot of the empty Impact Zone twice. Taz said these must be the two final team members. Tenay said it's a powerful team! He then plugged that up next it was RVD vs. James Storm. Who made that match? Why did RVD and Hardy come through the crowd if RVD had a match scheduled next? Nevermind. As Kevin Sullivan, the Nitro booker, said when something in WCW didn't make sense: "You gotta just suspend your disbelief, bru-thuh!" [c]
1 -- ROB VAN DAM vs. JAMES STORM
The match was joined in progress. Tenay again asked viewers to call or text their friends and let them know Impact is on live right now. They plugged that TNA President Dixie Carter is on Twitter, but they showed a picture of one of the Beautiful People posting suggestively instead. Oh wait, that was actually Dixie. RVD won with an split-legged moonsault. Storm beat a celebrating RVD over the head with a beer bottle. Do NOT try that home, kids. RVD sold an eye injury. Medics smothered his face with white towels. As Storm went after RVD again, security intervened.
WINNER: RVD in 6:00.
STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Fine back and forth match, but short for those two. [c]
-Tazz commented as they replayed what happened before the break.
-RVD began to recover in the ring. Jeff Hardy jumped Storm on the ramp and threw him back into the ring. Hardy then knocked him out of the ring and checked on RVD. Robert Roode snuck up behind Hardy and gave him a spinebuster. I guess that's what the prognosticator before this LIVE show meant by "Advantage: Team Flair."
-Christy interviewed Tara, telling her that she could lose her title or get her spider back. An upset Tara said TNA wants ratings and is using her to get them. "This entire thing is a joke," she said, adding that she's just going to "pin somebody's ass." Angelina Love said, "There's no such thing as fair in wrestling. Sometimes life is a bitch and you just have to deal with it. We all do." Love then predicted she'll walk out with the Knockouts Title. Tara said if that's how she wants to roll, let's roll. OBD walked up and said there's some PMSing going around. She said her box is going after the contract so she can wrestle anyone and go after A.J. Bootie-Bam. Christy then tried to interview Hamada. She spoke in Japanese calmly. It was so nice to hear someone not yelling at me.
2 -- ROB TERRY vs. HOMICIDE
Tenay said Terry, now called "The Freak," which is short for "The ------ Freak." Taz said Homicide is a "nasty kid," but he might be giving up too much strength and size. Tenay said Terry wants to be a fighting champion. Taz said likes the monicker "The Freak." Terry looked genuinely lost momentarily as he began a press slam on Homicide. Terry won with a powerslam.
WINNER: Terry in 3:00. His push continues to be the most solid sign of TNA creative's total disconnect with 2010.
-Afterward Homicide hit Terry from behind with a chairshot to the back. He then nailed him with a stiff unprotected chairshot to the head. (Hey TNA management, check this out: RELATED ARTICLE). Yep, TNA brags about being the place you get to see unprotected chairshots to the head. Disgusting.
-On the stage Orlando Jordan appeared with a white creamy substance all over his chest. He licked some of it off his face. You know, if this crap drew ratings it'd be one thing, but it's like what a low budget slasher flick with no good actors, no good writers, and no production values has to resort to in order to find a niche audience. TNA's talent is better than this booking. [c]
-The Beautiful People were doing toe-touches with their asses pointed at the camera. They also showed off a skimpy panty that Von Erich was hoping to show off later.
3 -- ODB & TARA & HAMADA & ANGELINA LOVE vs. DAFFNEY & THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (Lacey Von Erich & Velvet Sky & Madison Rayne) -- Eight Knockout Lockbox Match
Tazz said Von Erich is a bit of an exhibitionist. Tenay explained the rules which is that the winner gets to open a lock box and there is something inside each of four boxes. We'll just watch it play out rather than explain it ahead of time. Tara pinned Von Erich at 1:00. Daffney tagged in. They showed Tara walking to the back clutching her key as they cut to a break.
They showed that during the break Hamada missed a moonsault and Daffney scored a pin to earn a key herself. Sky battled ODB in the ring live. The screen plugged Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson. Sky pinned ODB to win key no. 3. Love then pinned Rayne to get the final key.
WINNERS: Tara, Daffney, Sky, and Love to each earn keys in 7:00.
-They showed the lock boxes backstage and said they'd be opened later.
-A video package aired hyping the Mr. Anderson vs. Kurt Angle feud. Then ring intros took place on Anderson and Angle. [c]
4 -- MR. ANDERSON vs. KURT ANGLE -- Something Else With A Key Involved
Tenay explained that there's a key at stake here where it opens the cage door at Lockdown, which in theory gives Anderson an escape route from the cage even though there's nothing about his character that suggests he's scared of Angle and wants no part of him. In fact, after hyping that Anderson wants the key so he can get away from Angle in the cage, he set up a ladder in the corner and Tenay said he did it so he could administer more punishment on Angle rather than just climb the ladder to get the cage. That might actually be the best example of TNA's sloppy low-IQ booking. The total contradiction in logic and character constitution in that 20 seconds says it all. They just throw random things out there without any regard to whether it makes any actual sense. Anderson began climbing the ladder mid-ring.
Angle got up in time to send him hard to the mat with Angle Slam. Anderson knocked Angle off the top of the ladder. Angle flew right over the top rope and didn't get a chance to brace himself much at all and one of his legs caught the top rope and landed hard onto the back of his head and neck. That was just ridiculous given the history of his neck. There was genuine worry for a minute there. It's ridiculous, with all Angle can do without that crap, especially since he is doing this for a TV match that's just a set-up for a PPV match. Anderson climbed the ladder. Angle knocked it over and Anderson took a potentially knee-damaging bump. The fans chanted "TNA! TNA!" which makes it all okay. Angle put Anderson on the ladder and then punched him a half dozen times. He followed up with a moonsault onto Anderson. Both men sold it. Angle climbed the ladder but Anderson came up behind him with Angle's warrior medal in hand. He began to choke him with it from behind. He yanked on Angle from behind, but Angle powered his way up high enough to grab the key holder. He came up just short of being able to pull it down as he lost consciousness and fell to the mat. Anderson then climbed up and grabbed the key to win.
WINNER: Anderson in 10:00.
STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Unnecessarily dangerous, but overall a good match.
-Afterward Anderson grabbed his lowered mic and gloated about his win from the stage. He said he'll celebrate his victory at Lockdown because that's what he just assured will happen by getting that key.
-Jeremy Borash interviewed Hogan backstage. He asked Hogan if Bischoff "went into business for himself." Borash went back into his cartoon voice and made cartoon faces again this week for some reason. He talked like that guy from the Dell commercials back in the 1990s. Hogan said what happens between he and Bischoff stays between he and Bischoff. He said he's not always happy with his actions and doesn't like when he has to rein him in, but he doesn't air that dirty laundry on Impact. Bubba the Love Sponge told Borash to scram "and hurry up about it." Borash walked away as if he worked for Bubba. Hogan told Bubba that if this was radio, Bubba would set him straight, but this is wrestling, so let him set him straight. He said he's running with the wrong crowd. Bubba said he's having fun, which he wasn't with him. As Bubba walked away, Black Machismo walked in and talked about the MegaPowers and Elizabeth. He said he has Hogan's back. Hogan said he liked that. Lethal said he's going to go find his trunks with "MegaPowers" on the back. Hogan told him to find his, too, because he needs them.
-They showed Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, and Sean "Syxx Pac" Waltman showing up. Bubba joined them. [c]
-Christy introduced Matt Morgan as one-half of the tag team champions. Morgan took exception to being called "one-half" of the champions. He said because of an "unfortunate accident" a few weeks ago, he can't defend the belts with him. Christy asked him who his new partner would be. (Why does Morgan get to replace Hernandez with a new partner instead of being stripped?) Morgan referred to himself as "we" and said "we will continue to defend the tag team titles." Christy said she was confused. She told Morgan he's the only one standing in front of her. He said, "Yes we are." He smiled and said he (or we) was looking forward to defending the tag titles next week.
5 -- TEAM 3D vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS -- Winners Face Morgan Next Week For Tag Titles
At 2:00 the Guns scored a near fall. Team 3D came back and Devon hit a diving headbutt to the crotch a minute later. Then Devon pulled a table out from under the ring. Syxx attacked Devon and threw him into the ringpost. The ref called for the bell. Ray ran toward Nash for the save, but Nash KO'd him with a punch with brass knuckles. The Band threw Ray into the ring and beat everyone down. Then Syxx sprayed painted Shelley's back and yelled at the camera, "Bow down."
WINNERS: Team 3D via DQ in 4:00. [c]
-The Band stood in the ring and were joined by Bubba. Nash said he had a message for everyone. "We might not be signing the checks, but we are running the show," he said. He said Hogan maybe worried about Flair and Bischoff, but he should be worried about them. He said they are his worst nightmare. He said for 15 years they were carrying Hogan's ass. Hall did his best Tony Atlas impersonation without realizing it. Nash said they're not trying to be popular because the three people in the ring are all that matters to him.
-Borash interviewed The Pope regarding his title match against A.J. Styles at Lockdown. He called Chelesa a Jezebel. He said tonight he's going to paint a new picture in his match against Wolfe. Wolfe walked in with Chelsea and asked if he's "bloody Picaso." He said where he comes from people don't get second chances." He said he should be getting the title shot against Styles at Lockdown. He said he can do double duty and win twice in one night. Pope's demeanor changes told him he can face Styles at Lockdown if he beats him tonight. Borash made a cartoon face. Bischoff leaves for a week and Borash reverts to old habits. Pope said tonight will be a whole new ball game.
-They showed Tara backstage fretting over whether he key will get her tarantula back. [c]
-Doug Williams walked out and did that heat-generating head-bobbing thing that makes you just want to punch him in the face. He said the days of the acrobats in the X Division stinking up the division is over. He said those clowns need to go back to the circus where they belong with the other performing monkeys. The crowd chanted "USA! USA!" He said they could go back to wrestling school instead and learn the art form of technical wrestling, of which he said he is the master. He said seeing as he is the master, he'd appreciate from now on being addressed by his full name "Douglas Williams, the finest thing in life." He said he has arranged for a gauntlet match against Generation Me.
6 -- DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs. GENERATION ME
It began with Jeremy vs. Williams. Jeremy scored a near fall a minute in. He went for a moonsult, but Williams moved and then rolled up Jeremy into Chaos Theory for the win at 2:00. Max dove into the ring and went after Williams, taking him down with a head scissors and a dropkick for a two count. "How can you not love what the X Division adds to TNA?" asked Tenay, who then went into plugging the strip tease coming up next. Williams then finished Max with a guillotine choke for a tapout. When he wouldn't release it, Shannon Moore charged to the ring and attacked Williams. Williams bailed out. "There's no room in the X Division for boring ass wrestlers like you, Doug Williams," said Moore. "Why don't you look between your legs and if you've got a set, give 'The Prince of Punk' Shannon Moore a title shot at Lockdown. If you do, all I've got to say is welcome to glam rock."
WINNER: Williams in 4:00.
-They showed Love smiling and pacing backstage with her key.
-Taz and Tenay plugged that at upcoming TNA house shows, Bischoff and Don West would be in attendance. Taz wondered what Bischoff would have up his sleeve.
-Christy interviewed Team 3D backstage. Ray said what happened was uncalled for, but he wanted revenge next week. He said in 15 years their paths have never crossed. He called them "a couple of disrespectful unethical pricks." Devon said they've been a cancer to every promotion they've been in. He said he's from New York City and he's going to kick their ass all over the Impact Zone.
7 -- THE POPE vs. DESMOND WOLFE
Pope went for the Tower of London, but Pope moved, threw a rapid series of punches at him, gave him his DDE, and scored a three count.
WINNER: The Pope in 2:00. Once again Wolfe is defined as a jobber masquerading as a top tier title contender. This is damaging to have two top contenders wrestle a match less than two minutes and not make a bigger deal out of it. It does such damage to the whole concept of competitive matches between evenly matched opponents when it's treated as no big deal that it ended so quickly. It's the self-fulfilling prophesy of treating matches like they get in the way of the stories being told and then having to keep matches short because they're defined down as getting in the way of stories being told. It's this vicious cycle they can't get out of.
-As Pope celebrated, Styles attacked him. Abyss made the save. Styles clipped him from behind. Wolfe entered with a fire extinguisher and jabbed Abyss in the head with it. Why bother trying to get Wolfe his heat back. He's defined as a jobber now. There's nothing they can do about it. They abruptly cut to a break. [c]
-Tenay and Taz hyped the Lockdown PPV. Then they went to the NBA lottery revealing the order of the draft and who will get John Wall. Or so it looked the way the stage was set up. Borash had Sky reveal first what was inside her box. She said she didn't want the spider. The fans wanted her to have to do a strip tease. She won the open contract for any opponent, anytime, any stipulation. She celebrated and said, "I'm not stripping for you!" Tara was next. She got Poison back, her tarantula. However, Borash revealed, that means she is no longer the Knockouts Champion. Love and Daffney opened their boxes at the same time. Love won the title and Daffney had to do the strip tease. Taz asked Tenay, "Have you ever seen a zombie strip?" Daffney didn't appear to really have her heart into it, observed Tenay. She walked to the ring and unenthusiastically took off her hat. "Alright then," said a barely awake Tenay. She took off her collar and chewed on it. She pulled down her strap slowly like a sober person playing Truth or Dare with a bunch of uninhibited drunks.
Lacey Von Erich had enough and ran out and attacked Daffney with the BP Ugly Stick. She stripped to her lingerie. Taz said something tells him this isn't the first time she's removed garments of clothing in public with music playing. Meanwhile Tara and Love brawled on the ramp. Taz said he can't blame Tara for being livid, but it's not the fault of Love she got the luck of the draw. Sky stood on the stage and told Lacey that she really turned up the heat tonight in the Impact Zone, but rule no. 1 of the BP Club is that no Beautiful Person upstages the other, so next week she's cashing in her contract and it's going to be against her in a Leather & Lace Match. She told her to bring her lace and she'll bring her leather and "I'll kick your ass all over that ring, bitch!" Well, at least they've figured out that the Knockouts Division is what draws ratings for them.
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