By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

Where We've Been: Last week TNA put on a really good show, as someone seemingly remembered that such things as mysterious nWo heel turns should probably have an endgame in mind. They’re doing their best to make someone, somewhere, believe that Abyss has a chance in hell of winning the title sometime in the next year (in all fairness, he has better subjective odds this time than he did when he actually won the title three years ago). Most importantly, Kazarian remembered that there was an X Division, then was promptly written out of it. In other news, RVD, Shannon Moore, and Jeff Hardy all voted that working for scale is better than working for a nutcase (who, for those who missed the senate filings, is apparently only worth about 10% of what he claimed to be).

The Show: Hogan’s Heroes

You know they’ve been saving that title for ages. Somehow they find time in the recap of last week to show two separate shots of Brooke Hogan.

Hulk Hogan, RVD, Jeff Hardy and Abyss all arrive together in a Hummer. Taz, trying to go for the line of the night early, says that his question is why Abyss was driving.

[Intro]

I agree that they needed a new intro, but who picks this generic rock crap?

AJ and Flair come down in suits to start off the show. AJ calls Abyss a scary but stupid monster. He wants to know if Abyss really believes that some magical ring is going to help him. The two of them have had classic battles since their first encounters in the Asylum in TN. They took each other to their respective limits, but the result was always the same—AJ Styles up and Abyss down (I can’t think of a counterexample to that). AJ doesn't know where Abyss gets his inspiration. Personally, AJ doesn’t believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Clause (that one gets roundly booed), or magical rings. He does believe that he’s the best wrestler in the world, and a gift from G-d. I thought that was Daniels’s gimmick? Flair takes the mic, and says that he wishes he can be as in control as AJ, but he can’t. I really hope he drops an elbow on his jacket! Hey, he starts by taking his jacket off for no clear reason! I love Flair promos. He points to the cut on his forehead, and notes that Hogan didn’t do it with his fists, but with the steel guardrails. As he hits his face it busts open again. Flair flips at Abyss, Hogan, RVD, but mostly Jeff Hardy, who interfered right when AJ & Flair had Abyss & Hogan where they wanted. Jeff Hardy comes out, complete with black-and-white face paint. AJ wants to know who Hardy is to come into AJ’s house. Flair yells at Jeff for not paying enough attention (since if there's one obvious spokesperson for good attention spans, it's Ric Flair). AJ points out that Jeff’s done nothing in TNA, so who does he think he is to lay his hands on the champ? AJ says that if Jeff wants the spotlight, why doesn’t he take it tonight—it doesn’t get any bigger than the champ, who wants Hardy right here in the ring. The crowd goes nuts. I wonder when Bischoff puts the kibosh on this [note: he doesn't.]. Jeff says that it’ll be a breeze. Flair suggests that he go back and paint, then get high on the fumes, since he’ll need to be flying high tonight to beat AJ. Whoo! Jeff lets out a “Whoo!” of his own, then says that he’ll be doing this for all the creatures of the night (or something to that effect).

Mick Foley is in Bischoff’s office, and Bischoff’s not happy about Mick helping out Jarrett last week. Bischoff wants to focus on tonight though, when he's going to trim Mick's hair and make one last stab at making him respectable right in the center of the ring.

[Commercial Break]

They’re still claiming that we'll see Hardy-AJ tonight. I guess they’re really hoping to steal some viewers from Austin.

Earlier tonight The Nasty Boys put Jesse Neal through a table.

They’re in the ring right now, along with Jimmy Hart. Knobbs says that what was supposed to be a six-man tag will now be a handicap match. You know an awesome way to promote the X-Division-centric PPV? The Nasty Boys.

Team 3D come out, and say that this won’t be a handicap match, since they found themselves a partner.

(1)THE NASTY BOYS & JIMMY HART vs. TEAM 3D & BROTHER RUNT

Well, at least something good came out of this feud. It still wasn’t worth it. Devon tags in Runt, who rams his head into Sags’s abdomen. The crowd is chanting that “Nasty Boys Suck”, or perhaps the even more awesome “Nastys boycott!” The Nasty Boys tee off on Runt for a bit, trading tags. Jimmy Hart takes a tag, then pulls off his belt. He takes too long though, and Runt rolls over to make a tag to Ray. Ray beats up both Nasty Boys, splashing them both in the corner. Sags rolls out of the ring, but Runt follows him with a double sledge off the top rope. In the ring Ray nails a bionic elbow on Knobbs. However, Hart distracts the ref and tosses Knobbs his helmet, which Knobbs uses to blast Ray. Hart, who I guess never tagged out, makes the cover.

WINNERS: The Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart in four minutes, being exactly four minutes longer than it had any business being.

After the match, the Nasty Boys set up a table, but Jesse Neal runs out in taped ribs to make the save. He tosses Hart from the ring. Brother Runt then assists with a 3D on Sags through a table.

For those who are curious, if I weren’t doing this column, about 3 minutes ago would have been the precise moment when I changed the channel to see what Austin was up to.

Christy is in the back with Angelina Love, who’s mad that the group that she founded beat out her & Tara for the Knockouts Tag Team Championships. She calls out any member of The Beautiful People who’s willing to face her, since they’ve all been ducking her for weeks. You know I’ve been having the exact same issue trying to get an interview with Madison Rayne. Anyhow, she thinks that they’re all just knockoffs of her, but she’s the original, and one of a kind. Now it’s time for her to cleanse TNA—one beautiful person at a time. That’s a good line.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with Hall & Pac, who don't think they have anything to worry about this Sunday. When they say they're going to get something done, they always do. Eric Young will learn not to get involved in other people's business. Next Monday they'll be the newest big money player in TNA. Nash & Eric Young come by. Nash points out that Pac didn't look so good last week against EY. If they're interested in money though, he has some. He's willing to shell out for five minutes—if Hall can last five minutes in the ring with him, he'll get $25,000. Hall accepts.

(2)MR. ANDERSON & DESMOND WOLFE (w/CHELSEA) vs. KURT ANGLE & "THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO

The teams come out to Anderson and Angle's music, respectively. That's how you push young talent. Dinero limps to the ring. Angle and Wolfe trade holds (mostly wrist locks) to start. Wolfe looks for a tag, but Anderson doesn't want it. Angle takes Wolfe over with an Arm Drag, but Wolfe backs him up into Anderson's corner, where Anderson connects with a cheap shot. He's now willing to take the tag. He connects with a couple strikes, then drives Kurt into the corner turnbuckles. Wolfe tags back in and works some sort of side chin lock, which Kurt powers out of. Wolfe charges him and runs right into an overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Kurt tags in Dinero, who comes in limping. He connects with clotheslines off his good leg, then a series of elbows. Anderson runs in for an assist, but Pope knocks him back out with a throat thrust. Wolfe charges Pope, who connects with with a reverse heel trip that Anderson has to break up at two. Angle comes in behind Anderson and connects with an Olympic Slam, but when he goes for another on Wolfe Wolfe slips out and connects with his Hammerlock Takedown. Wolfe goes to finish off Pope with a Figure Four Leg Lock, but it's reversed into a Small Package for three.

WINNERS: Kurt Angle and The Pope in four minutes. This had awesome action, though it was very rushed. Imagine if they took the time from the Nasty Boys and gave it to this. Pope might be the best I've seen since Jericho at selling an injury while still dominating a match.

After the match Wolfe attacks Pope's ankle, then tosses him over the top rope and onto the entrance ramp. Wolfe lifts him up and nails a European Uppercut. Back in the ring Anderson surprises Kurt with a Lights Out. Wolfe and Pope fight to the back. Anderson grabs the Warrior Medal and drives it into Angle's forehead again. Anderson calls down his mic, then taunts Angle. He says that Angle's bleeding now is just a small example of what he has coming this Sunday Sunday Sunday! This post match beating and ass-whoop'n was brought to you in part—no, in full—by MR ANDERSON...ANDERSON. Anderson drives his mic into Angle's wound a few times.

[Commercial Break]

Hogan is psyching up Jeff Hardy and RVD in his office. He announces that Abyss will be the special enforcer for Hardy's match. Eric Bischoff comes into the office as RVD and Hardy leave. He thinks that it was brilliant to bring those two into the company, but he should have been in on the decision. Hogan apologizes, but says that Bischoff seems to have his plate full with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Bischoff apologizes for even bringing it up, but Hogan says that they're a team, and don't need to make apologies (didn't he just apologize himself all of forty-two seconds ago?).

Angelina Love hits the ring first, then the Beautiful People. Velvet Sky says that if Love wants a member of The Beautiful People, she's got it. Sky would also like to introduce the newest honorary member of the Beautiful People, for one night only.

(3)ANGELINA LOVE vs. DAFFNEY

Daffney ambushes Love from behind as Love focuses on the ramp. She grabs a toolkit from under the ring, and after some consideration of her options decides on a hammer. The ref grabs it away from her, which distraction gives Love time to pick a leg and start pummeling. The Beautiful People have seen enough, so they come down to the ring an yank Angelina Love down by the leg, then give her a wishbone split against the ring post. Taz asks whether that can hurt a woman.

WINNER: Angelina Love by DQ in about a minute and a half.

After the match Daffney helps out with the beating, swinging Angelina Love head first into the side of the ramp. That looked vicious, and they sell it as such. Daffney goes to get the Ugly Stick from the entrance-way. While she's gone, Tara sneaks in and takes out all three Beautiful People. Madison Rayne apparently drew the short straw, as she takes a Widow's Peak. Tara stares down Daffney.

[Commercial Break]

We recap Sting's wackiness from last week. Hulk Hogan hits the ring. He plays to the crowd for a minute, then angrily yells to cut the damn music. Aren't you supposed to do that before you play to the crowd? Hogan says that he's been around the block, but what happened last week was a train wreck. Being left lying bloody next to his tag partner was nothing new. Feeling like he was hit by a car all week was nothing new either. What he can't get over though is the image of Abyss just asking "why Sting?" Hogan wants to know what could have possibly caused Sting to turn on a company he helped build—did Sting want to be a bigger star. Hogan knows that Sting is there, so he calls for the lighting guy to shine a spotlight on the rafters. Sure enough, Sting is up there watching. Hogan says that Sting is afraid to come meet him in the ring, so Sting slowly saunters downward. Right when he gets to the ramp-way RVD comes out and jumps him from behind. He drops a leg on Sting on the ramp, then jump kicks him. Sting tries to flee, but RVD follows and beats him around the ring. Hogan cheers on approvingly from the ring as RVD connects with another jumping side kick. He thrusts Sting into the ring post. Sting grabs his bat, but RVD kicks it away from him and tosses it to Hogan. He rolls Sting into the ring. Eric Bischoff runs down to the ring, screaming for Hogan to stop. He says that this isn't the right thing to do. Hogan is a leader now, not a wrestler. Hulk has to let that part of his life go. Bischoff gets security to toss Sting for him. For weeks things have been out of control. They didn't come here to fight, they came here to lead. Last week Hogan made a promise to his daughter that he was done with it, so that's what he should be—done with it. Hogan commiserates with his family at ringside.

Jeff Jarrett is walking around backstage, where Hernadnez finds him. Hernandez thinks that the way he Beer Money treated him last week was B.S. Unlike some other people, he still remembers that Jeff gave him his first shot, so he suggests that they take care of business old school. Jeff is ready to go, but Bischoff comes up behind them, and he's not happy to hear that Jeff is booking his own matches. Those days are over. If Hernadnez wants to get in a ring that badly, he'll be involved in the ultimate handicap match against both members of Beer Money. And if Jeff wants to be in the ring with Hernandez, he can do it as a referee. From now on the only way Jeff gets in a ring is if he's setting it up, taking it down, or having a historical photo opp (or, apparently, a referee), since Bischoff is sick of his crap. That last bit might just have been a threat of what would happen if Jarrett doesn't properly officiate the match.

[Commercial Break]

(4)KEVIN NASH vs. SCOTT HALL
$25,000 Five Minute Challenge

Nash takes his time as the match begins. Hall throws a toothpick in his face. Nash lays in with with clubbing blows to the back, then shoots Hall into the ropes and nails him on the rebound a couple times. When he goes for a third Hall comes back swinging with rights. He hits a few arm wrenches then slaps Nash on his head, but Nash comes back with a Short Armed Clothesline. Nash backs Hall into the corner, where he hits the standard array of knee lifts and back elbows. Syxx-Pac runs in through the crowd and clips the back of Nash's legs. We're told that since this isn't really a match, there aren't really DQs. Pac handcuffs Nash to the ropes, and they start beating him down. EY runs down to make the save, but he can't keep up with the numbers. Pac connects with an X Factor on EY. He and Hall take the $25,000 from the ref and celebrate.

WINNER: Scott Hall...I guess?

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with Beer Money. Roode tells "Seacrest" to shut up. All they've wanted was an opportunity to show Bischoff and Hogan who they are. Ever since those two took over Beer Money have been pushed to the side like a couple of rookies. Is that any way to to treat the hottest commodity and the best tag team in pro wrestling? The answer's not just "no"--it's "hell no" (personally I would not have wanted to remind anyone that they could be watching Austin right now). Bischoff gave them an opportunity last week. Unfortunately that chance came at the expense of the TNA founder, but from now on Beer Money is just looking out for Beer Money. Nice guys finish last, and they're sick of being nice guys and pandering to us fans. That might have been the laziest heel turn ever ("we now don't like the fans anymore!")

(5)BEER MONEY INC. vs. HERNANDEZ
Handicap Match w/Special Referee Jeff Jarrett

Storm and Roode stomp Hernandez on his way into the ring. They rip off his shirt, which is really clever, since he usually uses that for a move later in the match. As they work him over in the corner Matt Morgan lumbers down to ringside. About halfway down though he has second thoughts, and goes to the broadcast booth instead. In the ring, Roode connects with an Inverted Atomic Drop, Storm hits a Side Russian Leg Sweep, and then Roode drops a knee that barely gets one. Roode and Storm take turns distracting Jarrett while the other one chokes Hernandez. Morgan, on commentary, claims that Hernandez is alone in the ring cause he stuck his nose into other people's business and tried to tag with someone else. Hernandez suddenly connects with a double clothesline that takes down Roode and Storm. Roode gets up firing first, but walks right into a Pounce. Hernandez charges him in the corner. Roode gets some distance with a leg up, but when he tries to come off the top rope with a Cross Body Block Hernandez catches him. Storm knocks Roode loose, but when the go for the Beer Money Suplex Hernandez reverses into a Double Suplex of his own. He goes to finish off Roode with a Border Toss, but Storm is up too and nails him with a Last Call Superkick. Roode and Storm finish him off with a DWI. Jarrett is slow to make the count, but does so.

WINNERS: Beer Money Inc. in three minutes. They insist that Jarrett raise their hands in victory.

Beer Money look around a bit, and when they don't see Morgan they decide that this would be a good time to destroy Hernandez. Jarrett tries to help out, but Storm shoves him back. Jarrett rips off the referee's shirt, then unloads with rights on Storm and Roode. He introduces them to a Meeting of the Minds, from which they stumble right into a Slingshot Double Clothesline from Hernandez.

Eric Bischoff is walking around backstage with electronic clippers.

[Commercial Break]

A barber's chair is set up in the ring, with Eric Bischoff standing next to it. He says that Jarrett's ass is his next week. But right now is about cleaning things up, not just in terms of what happens inside the ring, but in terms of the very look of the company. For weeks now they've been trying to make something of Mick Foley, but it's impossible. So he's going to take matters into his own hands. He tells Mick to come down to the ring, and Mick reluctantly strolls down. I wonder if we're supposed to remember that Mick already shaved his head a few years back, so this is hardly unprecedented. Mick sits in the chair. Bischoff informs Mick that he's going to take all of it off, but when he starts to come closer with the clippers Mick grabs his arm. He suddenly pulls a sock out with his other arm, then locks Bischoff in a Mandible Claw. Bischoff passes out and falls into the chair. Mick rips off his jacket, under which he has his painted referee's shirt for no clear reason. Mick grabs the clippers and shaves Bischoff's head. We've seen this before too. I miss Eugene. Mick wakes Bischoff up, then shows him a mirror. Bischoff is not happy. He tries to pick up his hair and put it back on.

Here's a fun riddle—if either Mick Foley or Eric Bischoff had come down sick today, could they have put together this segment based entirely on slapping old segments together? (Hint: yes).

[Commercial Break]

Christy Hemme is in the back with Shannon Moore. Sunday, the "X Division will be spotlighted more so than ever". It's sort of like reading a bad freshman philosophy paper. He spouts some incoherent gibberish—he suggests we google it, but doesn't tell us how to spell it. Actually, it's exactly like reading a bad freshman philosophy paper.

The Motor City Machine Guns are in the ring. Sabin says that this Sunday will be a night to remember. Not only is it the return of the Ultimate X Match. Not only is it the case that the winners of The Ultimate X will get a shot at the tag titles. It will be forever remembered as the start of the rise of The Motor City Machine Guns. The crowd seems really psyched by that. Sabin wants to know who Generation Me think they are to be in this match. What dues have they paid? Who have they beaten? Sabin's clearly speaking in a heelish voice, but the crowd is still chanting "Motor City". Generation Me hit the ring, and Max makes the obvious point that a couple months back in their debut they beat The Guns. Shelley acknowledges that, but says that there is such a thing called luck. Any time anyone steps into that ring, there's a chance they'll win. He'll even give them credit—Generation Me are good, but they (The Guns) are great. Again it's said heelishly, but again the crowd cheers. They're the Xbox to Generation Me's Atari, and Generation Me is the station wagon to The Guns' Ferrari. In fact, while they're on the subject of getting lucky, Shelley would like to discuss what they did with Max & Jeremy's girlfriends last night. Max pops him before he can go into further detail, and we have a brawl. Kendrick runs down to help out The Guns, so Amazing Red comes out to help Generation Me. Red hits a Sunset Flip on Kendrick into the ring, then Daniels runs to the ring and floors him with an STO. Kazarian (the last man involved in a non-title X Division match Sunday) runs down to the ring with a ladder, which he hurls right into Daniels's face. The Guns attack Kazarian, but Generation Me take them out to the floor. They bang the Guns into the scaffolding, then climb about halfway before coming off it onto them. Daniels and Kendrick try to take out Red with a ladder, but Red ducks beneath it and he and Kazarian thrust it back into their faces. Kazarian and Generation Me set up the ladder in the ring, and Red flips all the way out and over onto Daniels, Kendrick, and the Guns at ringside.

JB is in the back with Abyss. X marks the spot, and Destination X marks the spot where Abyss finally gets his hands on AJ Styles. Ever since Hogan gave him the ring with all the power in it, Flair and AJ have been trying to take it. He just figured out the reason—for the first time in his life, someone is jealous of him! Now he's the one who'll be doing the taking, when he takes AJ's title Sunday. He hopes Flair gets involved tonight so that he can learn what it's like to come face-to-face with The Monster of the Ring. He wants to know what they're gonna do when The Monster Abyss runs wild—and crazy—on you.

[Commercial Break]

We come back at 10:51 with Hardy vs. AJ still to come. Abyss comes out first, followed, oddly enough, by AJ.

After the entrances, we take our last break at 10:54. There had better be an overrun.

[Commercial Break]

We come back for the opening bell at 10:57.

(6)AJ STYLES (w/RIC FLAIR) vs. "THE CHARISMATIC ENIGMA" JEFF HARDY
Non-Title Match w/Special Guest Enforcer Abyss

I can't believe Vince didn't trademark "The Charismatic Enigma". AJ starts things off with some chops on Jeff in the corner. Jeff gets his boots up and explodes out of the corner with a forearm. He connects with a Body Slam, then hits a Leg Drop off the middle rope for two. He cinches in a Sleeper. AJ powers to his feet and into the ropes. He connects with another chop on the break, but Hardy turns it around and connects with a couple of his own. AJ whips Jeff across the ring—Jeff tries to float over, but AJ catches his legs and tosses him out of the ring. Flair looks to attack on the outside, but Abyss cuts him off. Flair tosses his jacket at Abyss, then thinks better of it and backs off. AJ starts to run as if he's going to hit a flip move, then stops and laughs at the fans. Instead he connects with strikes as Hardy comes back in. Jeff tries to fight back, but AJ leapfrogs him and hits his high dropkick. AJ works over Jeff's left leg. The crowd actually gets dueling Hardy-AJ chants going, with the Hardy chants about twice as loud. AJ jumps on Jeff's leg against the ropes, but Hardy is able to use the other leg to shove AJ over the ropes and onto the ramp. AJ catches Jeff with a Guillotine Drop on his way back into the ring, then cinches in a rear chin lock. Hardy powers out, but AJ clubs the back of his head. Jeff attacks with what I think was supposed to be a Flashback, but was actually just a spinning clothesline. Hardy connects with forearms as they get up, then plants AJ with an Inverted Suplex into the mat. His delayed dropkick in the corner gets two. AJ rakes the eyes as he gets up; Hardy whips him into the corner anyway, but then runs right into a back elbow. AJ connects with a Brainbuster for a long two count. AJ tries to slam Jeff's head into the top turnbuckle, but Jeff blocks it and catches AJ with a Whisper in the Wind for two. Jeff goes for a Twist of Fate, but AJ ducks out and connects with a Pele in one fluid motion. Wow. Hardy gets up in the corner. AJ charges, but Hardy elevates him up and over the rope. AJ lands on the apron and comes back with a Springboard Cross Body Block that ends up catching both Jeff Hardy and referee Slick Johnson. AJ goes to grab a chair, but Abyss cuts him off on his way back into the ring. AJ drops the chair and goes for a 450-Splash, but Hardy gets out of the way and connects with a Twist of Fate. He goes to the top, where he nails a Swanton Bomb. Abyss comes in to count the three.

WINNER: Jeff Hardy in 9 minutes—that's about as good as a nine minute match can reasonably be.

After the match Ric Flair sneaks up behind Hardy as Abyss raises his arm. He whacks Hardy with a chair, then goes to work on Abyss. He beats Abyss a few steps up the ramp before Abyss starts Hulking up and no-selling the shots. Abyss punches the chair away, does the loud Hogan "You!", then Choke Slams Flair through the surprisingly chintzy ramp.

The crowd chants "TNA" as AJ cowers in the ring, desperately clutching his title.

Where We're Going: Building towards Sunday's X Division based PPV headlined by Abyss vs. AJ Styles, we get The Nasty Boys and someone who isn't booked for the PPV winning the main event. The ten o'clock segment, incidentally, also featured four people who aren't booked to wrestle Sunday. Even when they give the X Division its own PPV, they still somehow manage to make it seem unimportant. That being said, three X Division Matches, and three potentially good title matches (assuming they're not overbooked) should make for a pretty good show, even if it's one that no one will have no significant impact on anything that happens more than 15 minutes after it ends.

Star of the Night: Jeff Hardy. He had a bit of a rocky start, but his performance in the main event more than made up for it.

Overall: I have a theory about how this show was booked, as presented in this never before released dialogue:
HH: Uh oh, we're going up against Austin in only our second episode. We need something big.
VR: How about giving away Jeff Hardy vs. AJ Styles?
HH: Great idea! Now what do we do for the rest of the show?
At this point a meteor hits the booking room, and we somehow end up with The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart wrestling.
Fin
Seriously, you get the feeling that everything other than the main event and maybe the Guns' promo was completely phoned in. Those two things were all kinds of awesome, but lasted all of about 15 minutes in a two+ hour show. Throwing in the awesomeness that is Desmond Wolfe and The Pope we still only get to less than a quarter of the show. Thankfully, we had the Nasty Boys and an Eric Bischoff shaving to kill all that extraneous time. We've seen Bischoff shaved before, and I didn't care much then (if I recall correctly I voted for him having to be Eugene's servant if he lost). I'm being needlessly hard on the rest of the show, which did also feature the always strong Beer Money, Hernandez, and the resurgent Daffney and Angelina Love, but also enough WCW retro-badness that I do honestly wonder what percentage of this show really is booked by what Hogan called throwing stuff against the wall—and I'm pretty sure he must have meant it literally. I love me a good main event, but nine minutes of good action is not enough to fully redeem a weak outing in TNA's second regular Monday night performance, and its first Monday night outing against a certain Texas rattlesnake. B-

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. For this next week's shouting, he's accepting entries with proposed good segments involving someone getting shaved (Roxxi's shaving doesn't count, since it's too easy). Submission and other comments can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com.

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