KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MARCH 4, 2010
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-A video package aired of all of the excessive incessant yelling and crass crude comments thrown at Abyss last week in an attempt to get over the March 8 tag match on Impact. It included Mike Tenay saying, after Hogan announced the match, "This is how you take over Monday nights!" The show's title is: "Never Say Never."

-After the Impact opening aired, Tenay and Taz introduced the show by hyping the March 8 tag match again.

-A.J. Styles and Ric Flair came out. Each had a woman on each arm. Taz said every day is a holiday when you're TNA Heavyweight Champion. Flair called out Hulk Hogan and Abyss so they could apologize for last week. Hogan and Abyss came out to Hogan's NWO music. Flair asked them if they can count on having a peaceful conversation. Flair said as a result of their poor conduct last week, he wants to treat them to a night on the town. "You know something, Flair, I'm not here to bum a cigarette off of you, I don't want you to buy me a drink, and I don't want ya' to loan me one of your hits of Viagara, brother," Hogan said. He said he's there to talk about what's most important to him. He said when he came to TNA he made an oath to Dixie Carter and the "boys in the back" that he wouldn't lace his boots up, but instead would concentrate on taking TNA to the mountain top. Hogan said after what he and Styles did to him last week, everything has changed. He in four days on March 8, Hogan and Abyss are going to take them to school. He said he had just one question. Then Abyss took over and said whatcha gonna do when "Hulk and Abyss-a-Mania run wild on you!"

Flair two years ago he retired in front of the world and it meant the world to him to leave on the highest note possible. "But if you're talking to me and really want me there in four days, I'm looking forward to it more than anything I've done in my whole life, because the one thing I've never done is beat you on national TV," Flair said. He said Abyss will get hurt in the process. Styles interjected and asked Hogan to pump the brakes for a second. He said when he wrestled, he was king, but times have changed. He said now he's the champion, he is king. The crowd chanted "Hogan, Hogan." Styles asked Hogan to pump the brakes. He touched Hogan's cross on his neck and patted his chest, saying he looked great. Styles suggested to Flair they take the ladies with them and leave. Flair said he'd see them on Monday. That would have been a strange ending, without any explanation for what Styles even meant by "pump the brakes." It's as if they forgot a whole section of the promo.

Eric Bischoff stepped onto the stage as his music played. "Not so fast!" he said. He then explained that Styles has to defend his TNA Title later on this show in a four-corners match against Desmond Wolfe, The Pope, and Abyss. Flair freaked, saying Styles has a big match on Monday. Bischoff said he has a big match on tonight, too, and "live with it."

-They went to Tenay and Taz at ringside. Taz talked about a new era on Impact starting on Monday night. Tenay pushed the tag match. They're doing a good job making sure nobody watching this show doesn't know about that match.

-Jeremy Borash interviewed Wolfe backstage, who had Chelsea with him. Wolfe threw some British insults at Borash. He said if someone closes a door on him, he kicks the door down. He said he will do whatever it takes to win a match, and tonight with the title on the line, consider him more motivated. He compared Flair to Ed "Strangler" Lewis and Lou Thesz. He said while Styles is usually the man to beat, he can beat Abyss or Pope and walk away with the gold. That whole four-way match rule that allows a title to change without the champion involved in the pin should just be thrown out. It demeans the whole idea of becoming champion by beating the champion. That kind of thing matters. Chelsea said she wants Hogan's ring. Wolfe said what she wants, she gets. Good lengthy promo. Wolfe had good content and delivery, and just giving him time to him talking about the TV main event is time well spent.

[Q2] [c]

-In Eric Bischoff's office, he was on his cell phone mocking someone who had an idea to start a pro football league that would compete with the NFL. The XFL actually didn't compete with the NFL. It started after the Super Bowl, didn't go after the same players, and was never marketed as something that would compete in the short-term. I'm not against the weekly series of digs Bischoff is taking at McMahon's failures, but it does ring a little hollow when you consider what a Bischoff opponent could say about him, fair or unfair, regarding the Death of WCW, Celebrity Wrestling, that kids wrestling out of Canada, a midget wrestling project, and heck, even TNA Impact ratings downslide since Jan. 4. Jeff Jarrett walked in and said he's heard that word going around is the best burgers in TNA history were served last week at catering. Jarrett said he "could care less" about Bischoff's attempts to humiliate him. (He meant "couldn't care less.") Bischoff said Jarrett is an exemplary employee who does right by the company. Jarrett interrupted and asked Bischoff to get back to business. Bischoff said he'd love to, since things aren't flowing well. He said things are stopped up or clogged, "if you know what I mean." He said when he entered the Men's Room, his name flashed into his head. He realized he is the man for the job in TNA. He handed him a plunger and said it's going to take a real pro to solve. Jarrett said he's seen it all as the founder of TNA and acted unfazed.

1 -- GENERATION ME vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. BEER MONEY INC. vs. MATT MORGAN & HOMICIDE

Some early highspots with the GenMe and Machine Guns. Morgan tagged in and beat up both members of GenMe with a double chokeslam. He yelled at Hernandez, "This is how you do it." James Storm, meanwhile, surprised Morgan with a superkick and Roode scooped him from behind for a leverage pin. Taz said he's surprised by Morgan, usually a smart competitor, making that mistake. Tenay said he lost his focus.

WINNERS: Beer Money in 3:00.

-Bischoff, in his third segment on TV, called in Sean Morley. He said he's just the man for a job he has in mind. He said he's been pushing Jarrett and trying to get him to break, but it hasn't worked yet. He said he's booking Jarrett vs. Morley in a Falls Count Anywhere match. He encouraged him to start the match in the bathroom where Jarrett is currently "taking care of business." Morley liked that idea.

-They cut to Jarrett mopping the floor of the bathroom.

[Q3] [c]

-Hogan was admiring a picture of himself on a wall. Kurt Angle knocked and walked in. He said he wants to take care of Styles and Flair on Monday. Hogan said that's his deal. He said since he arrived in TNA on Jan. 4, he's done more for the company than anyone did in the previous seven years. Hogan said Angle was among those who built the company's foundation before him. Angle said he's done his job, let him go out and do his. Hogan said he appreciates it and has all the respect in the world for him. Hogan said this is his last shot and he has to be sure he can look himself in the mirror. He said needs to be part of this thing and earn respect for himself. He asked Angle to shake his hand. They shook hands. Angle said he'll be watching closely.

-Tenay threw to a video package on Bischoff sending Mick Foley to etiquette school. She taught Foley to take off her jacket, then walk, and then sit with proper posture. She asked him if his hairstyle is what he typically does. "Only for the last 25 years," he said, laughing at his own joke. He said has surprisingly gentle eyes and he fears if he removes too much of that hair, that secret will be out in the open. She said she's trying to get him to change his look so he doesn't scare people he doesn't intend to scare. She seemed frustrated. They said more was to come later.

-Morley ordered the ref to "ring the bell." The ref went "Ding Ding Ding!" Morley then attacked Jarrett in the bathroom. Morley threw Jarrett into a bathroom stall and then a shower stall. He then scored a two count on the bathroom floor. Jarrett kicked out and asked, "What the hell are you doing?" If Hogan is such a good guy and wants TNA to succeed, why doesn't he use his power to stop Bischoff from doing this to Jarrett and in general giving the brand he wants to "take to the mountain top" a bad name. Morley finished Jarrett a minute later and scored the pin. Morley told the ref to follow him back to Bischoff's office.

-Christy interviewed "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. She asked about his Achilles tendon injury. He called Flair "Dick Flair" (copyright Shane Douglas) and called Styles "Nature Crap." He said he has arrived ready to fight, although his doctor isn't happy he's wrestling so soon. She asked him about winning the four-corner's match. He said he has big plans for Lockdown, and he'll leave the Impact Zone as the TNA Heavyweight Champion. Okay, but not Pope's best promo. [c]

[Q4]

-A video package aired on the British Invasion's breakup.

2 -- DOUG WILLIAMS vs. ROB TERRY

Taz said he didn't like Doug's chances against the gigantic Terry. That's nice. A big lug rookie who's never shown anything in the ring is Taz's favorite over a man of Williams's resume and history; it's hardly a case of Evan Bourne vs. The Big Show in terms of the size difference. Terry beat Williams in less than a minute. Ugh.

WINNER: Terry in 1:00.

-Afterward, Brutus Magnus attacked Terry. I'm all for TNA pushing Magnus over Williams, as Magnus has more upside (a lot of upside, in my opinion). Williams got up and held Terry as Magnus kicked him in the face.

-Backstage Bischoff, in his fourth segment, took over for Jarrett's doctor in massaging his injured shoulder behind his back. He hurt Jarrett with a less than graceful torque. Jarrett yelled at Bischoff and then threw some stuff around the room. He snapped and said he's "sick of this crap." He said he wanted a match, but not in a bathroom. Bischoff said, "You're so picky." Bischoff said he'll give him another match, but he hopes he's a fast healer because it's coming tonight. After Bischoff left the ring, Jarrett said, "Prick." [c]

-Back to more of Foley at etiquette school. She said when he walked on a book on his head, he looked like Frankenstein. This was a variation on Borat. She tried to get him to help her sit at the table. He said to do that she'd have to help him stand up again. I hope she was a real etiquette teacher because I learned a lot from her. I didn't hate these segments, but I'm also not sure it's how I'd be using valuable TV time. TNA, at some point, has to learn that while they've invested time in all of these retired or well past their prime wrestlers in an attempt to draw viewers who know who they are, WWE has created new star after new star after new star who are considered bigger stars now than Foley and the rest of the 40-plus crowd. Impact has the ability to create stars with this TV time being given to these 40-plus big names to justify what they're paid. It's not working in terms of increasing ratings, so it just doesn't make sense to keep doing it.

-A video package aired on Mr. Anderson's feud with Angle.

-Mr. Anderson walked out in a skull cap and Olympic singlet. He said he's the world's most injury prone wrestler (ironic, huh). He pretended to tweak his neck and then said, "I think I just broke my neck for the 17th time again." He said one time he broke his neck tying my shoe. Another time when he was walking his dog. "One time I was taking a dump and I pushed too hard and not only did I get hemmies, but I also broke my freakin' neck," he said. Stuff like that is just trashy and turns a lot more people off than it attracts. He added other examples of breaking his neck, such as "in band camp." He said he has serious stuff to talk about.

[Q5]

Mr. Anderson then continued his impersonation of Angle. He said he "could care less" about the soldiers in Iraq (he meant he "couldn't care less"). After taking a few digs, including undercutting Angle's message to the troops, Angle marched to the ring. Anderson threw a drink in Angle's face, blinding him and leading to Anderson giving Angle a beatdown. He then mocked Angle dropping his straps. He then gave him an Angle Slam. He then ripped off his skull cap and snapped it at Angle's head like a rubber band. That was kinda funny. Then he kneeled over him and trash talked him and dangled the soldier's medal over Angle's face and walked away with it. [c]

-Abyss talked with Hogan backstage. He flashed back to his mom taking him to see him wrestle when he was a kid. Hogan said he knew he was watching him and he helped empower him to win. Abyss said he believes he now has the power of Hogan and can do it on his own thanks to the ring. He implored him to let him handle the match on his own. Hogan told him he needs to understand that they together are one. "You've got the same blood running through your veins," he said. "We're family, brother." He said things will be okay because he gave him his ring. "That's the only thing that ever loved me, brother," he said. "But that's okay because now that you've got the power and you're aligned with the power of Hulkamania, nothing will ever happen to me again. That's why I took this match." He said he knew everything was going to be okay. He said all of those kids who believe in Hulkamania also now believe in Abyss. He said the kids know that he's protected because he's one with him in that ring on Monday night. Hogan said he loved him and they hugged.

-Tenay and Taz hyped Monday's tag match again. Then they threw to a video package aired on the Beautiful People followed by a backstage attack earlier in the day by the Beautiful People against Angelina Love. Lacey felt that Velvet Sky took it too far and said, "Enough!" Sky threw a few more shots, then said that was enough.

[Q6] [c]

-Angelina Love stood mid-ring and called out Velvet Sky. Sky came out and they brawled at ringside. Love threw Sky into the ring and then nailed her in the face with a kick. Lacey Von Erich and Madison Rayne ran out to save Sky. Lavey used the pink ugly stick as a weapon against Love. They also whipped her. After a minute The Beautiful People stood over Love. Tenay said they ripped the flesh off of the back of Love.

-Bubba the Love Sponge confronted Hogan and said he's a liar by wrestling on Monday. Hogan said he's been through a lot and everything he worked for left him, and his one shot is Monday. Bubba said he's got Nick, Brooke, Jennifer, and him. "You've got a lot of people who love you and we love you because you can still walk," he said. "You're going to be in a wheel chair... Don't be a mark for yourself. What are you thinking? Seriously!" He called him Terry and said he promised he wouldn't again, so don't do it. "Don't be a cripple!" he said.

-A Foley etiquette series of skits concluded with a lesson on handshakes and then a big hug. When the coach asked how a guy should say goodbye to a woman. Foley said most guys just sneak out of the back door without waking her up.

-A video package aired on Kevin Nash & Eric Young's feud with Scott Hall & Sean Waltman. They've now got a logo that says "The Band" using the same black and white font style as the NWO in WCW. [c]

[Q6]

3 -- TOMKO vs. JEFF JARRETT

Tenay said Tomko has been sent out to do Bischoff's dirty work. Jarrett was sent to the ring without his intro music again. Tenay asked how much more Jarrett can take. Tomko went after Jarrett's sore shoulder early. Despite a brief moment of offense, Tomko dominate the first few minutes. Jarrett came back with a sunset flip for the surprise win. They showed Bischoff banging his desk backstage in frustration.

WINNER: Jarrett in 4:00. [c]

-Bischoff had a chat with Hogan backstage, with both sitting down. Bischoff said the Hogan brand is driving the company. Bischoff said he can't put himself in jeopardy like this or it could hurt the company. Hogan said they agreed to have each other's back when joined TNA. Hogan said if he doesn't do this right, there's no respect and no tomorrow. "It's make or break," he said. He asked Bischoff what he'd do if they punked out his daughter or son. Hogan told Bischoff that he said he'd stand behind him no matter what he did. Hogan said then that means there's nothing to talk about. Bischoff said, "Not another word from me."

4 -- A.J. STYLES vs. DESMOND WOLFE (w/Chelsea) vs. ABYSS vs. "THE POPE" D'ANGELO DINERO

Dinero limped to the ring. Tenay said he's decided to ignore doctor's orders because of what's at stake in this match. They showed a clip of Flair and Styles working over his ankle with a chair and figure-four two weeks ago. They went to a camera angle during Styles's ring entrance that made the Impact Zone seem huge. They should go to that for the start of every ring entrance. Tenay and Taz pushed the Monday night Impact main event tag match again. A minute into the match they cut to a break. Tenay said it's been two weeks since Samoa Joe was abducted and they don't know where he is. Taz said he's been trying to reach his family and find out if the authorities have even been called. The whole abduction angle is pretty much impossible to pull off in the context of a wrestling show, and this is an example of why. Flair interfered at ringside against Pope. Styles applied the figure-four. Pope held on without tapping out for a minute, the ref called off the match, tapping out for Pope essentially. Terrible finish. Just a horrible finish. So we're supposed to believe now that a referee decides when someone should tap out? The psychology behind this so messed up. Pope can't tap without retaining his dignity even though he entered the match with an injury suffered at the hands of Styles and Flair? If there was a ever a time a babyface could tap out with dignity, it's that, especially seconds after Flair interfered from ringside.

WINNER: Styles in 6:00.

-Afterward, Wolfe, Flair, and Styles attacked Abyss. Hulk Hogan came out with a basebed wire bat and cleared the ring of all heels other than Flair. He hit Flair with the baseball bat. Flair bled from the forehead as Hogan pummeled him in the corner. Security entered the ring and Hogan beat them up. Abyss also beat up security. Why is the guy who hired security hitting security? They want to create "pandemonium," as Taz called it, even if it comes at the expense of any sense of fairness or logic. It's little things like that which add up. The babyface authority figure cannot be beating up security when they're just doing the job that he hired them to do. He can wrestle himself free from their trying to restrain him, but just indiscriminately punching them is heelish. They cut to a late break, a new strategy by TNA to cut a commercial out of the earlier portion of the show, but it's hurting their eighth quarter hour rating as a result. [c]

-Hogan was standing in the ring telling a bloodied Flair that that's just an example of what's going to happen on Monday. He said Flair and Styles will be history on Monday night. Pope called them back to the ring. Tenay and Taz gave a final plug for Monday. They so wanted to get blood on the air to distinguish themselves from WWE that they gave away Hogan getting a beating in on Flair before Monday. If anything, it should have been the other way around.

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