KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MARCH 2, 2010
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-The show opened with Abyss backstage telling Jeremy Borash, Jay Lethal, Amazing Red, and several other X Division wrestlers that he thought last week would be the worst day of his life but it turned into the best. He said when he puts on Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring, he feels more powerful.

-A video package aired on last week's big angle with Hulk Hogan and Abyss. The show is called "Rage Over the Ring." The Impact opening montage then aired.

-A.J. Styles and Ric Flair walked out to Styles's intro music. Styles looked into the camera and talked about how cute The Pope was last week when he said he wants to be the Champion of the People. Styles said he is The Man. Flair let out a "Whoo!" He told him to think harder next time he tries to walk over the champ. Flair took over the mic and talked about Hogan giving Abyss his Hall of Fame ring. "Are you kidding me? That'd be like giving it to one of you," Flair said he pointed to a crowd. "Fat boy, it'd be like giving it to you." He called Abyss "a challenged person." His face turned red and he called Abyss out.

Abyss walked out to Hogan's babyface WCW music. Taz said Abyss has had confidence issues, but the Hogan ring has empowered him. Tenay said Abyss doesn't want to let Hogan down. Flair asked Abyss what he was doing coming out to that music. He called him pathetic. "I look at you and I want to puke," Flair said. "You make us all look bad." He told him not to look away from him when he's talking to him. Flair said he worked his whole life to get into the Hall of Fame. "You make me sick!" he screamed in his face. Flair's voice was just at 11 the whole time and it was grating after a while. Flair repeatedly called Abyss a clown. He said he can't shine Styles's shoes.

Abyss told Flair he's right, he can't shine Styles's shoes "because I'm not a shoe-shine boy." He offered to take off Styles's boots and stick them straight up Flair's ass. Flair asked him if he knows who he's talking to. Styles stepped in and yelled "Shut up!" in Abyss's face. Then he called him a "pathetic piece of crap." It's just too much name-calling, like fourth graders on the playground showing off their nasty vocabulary. I know they were trying to lay it on thick to cause Abyss to snap, but it was just way way way too much yelling from Styles and Flair and an uncomfortable constant stream of insults. It just takes on an angry, almost desperate tenor that isn't entertaining after a while. Flair and Styles tried to talk Abyss into taking off the ring. Abyss responded by ordering them out of the ring by pointing and grunting George "The Animal" Steele style.

Hogan's current NWO intro music then played and Hogan walked out. Taz said he saw Hogan receive his HOF ring in person and he knows how much it means to Hogan. Hogan told Styles that he isn't earning a good name emulating Flair's lifestyle. He said running down Abyss verbally "only makes you weak, brother." He asked Styles when the history book is written, does he want it to say he was the weakest champion of all time. Flair interrupted and said he knew this would happen sooner or later. He got in Hogan's face. Hogan told him to back his ass up. Flair asked Hogan why he gave him the Hall of Fame ring. A "Hogan, Hogan" chant started. Flair and Styles each took off their jackets. When Hogan and Abyss seemed up for the fight, Flair and Styles bailed out of the ring. Taz said Styles and Flair like to pick their spots. Flair said they bought some time tonight "because I'm in a good mood." He said before the night is over, that ring won't be on Abyss's finger anymore.

The idea of Flair not liking Hogan giving Abyss the ring because he's not worthy of it is a sensible storyline, but the execution was really heavy-handed, angry, uncomfortable, overbearing, and headache-inducing. Just too much non-stop yelling.

[Q2] [c]

-They went to Tenay and Taz at ringside. They hyped Rob Terry defending the Global Title against Mr. Anderson and Desmond Wolfe vs. Abyss.

1 -- THE NASTY BOYS (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. TEAM 3D -- No-DQ Tables Match

A crawler hyped in small print Impact's move to Monday's on March 8. Tenay said Nobbs had a dislocated shoulder at Against All Odds. Then Tenay and Taz hyped the move to Monday nights. Taz said they'll dominate Mondays. A stand-up brawl for the first couple minutes. Team 3D brought a table into the ring and set it up. The Nastys recovered as Team 3D played to the crowd. They tried to toss Devon onto the table, but Ray saved him. Hart held onto Ray's leg when he climbed to the top rope. Sags slammed him off the top rope. Jesse Neal ran out and yanked Hart's helmet away from him. He threw it to Devon who used it KO Sags. Team 3D then put Sags through the table with a 3D for the win.

WINNERS: Team 3D in 4:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- It was what it was designed to be, nothing more.

-Mick Foley confronted Eric Bischoff backstage, complaining about how he sent him away last week to have his inseams measured. Bischoff said he's paranoid. Foley said his actions make people paranoid. Bischoff said Foley shouldn't be upset that Abyss is happier than ever with Hulkamania in the palm of his hand. Foley asked if Bischoff was taking credit. Bischoff asked why he was making it all about him. Foley said Abyss is in a good place right now, but he feels he was trying to get him out of the building last week. Bischoff told him to let it go. He said Abyss and even Borash are fine. He said he's living up to his end of the bargain. He asked Foley why he's not wearing his new suit. Foley said it's at the hotel. Bischoff asked him to get his suit and live up to his end of the bargain. Foley backed out of the office and said he'd get it. Bischoff thanked Foley for keeping an open mind. [c]

[Q3]

2 -- ODB vs. DAFFNEY

ODB beat up Daffney for a few seconds before they cut backstage to Christy interviewing Tara. Tara said Daffney is a psycho crazy woman and she probably didn't take her as seriously as she should have. She added that she's ruthless and violent. Christy said she's set her sights on her Knockouts Championship. Tara said if she wanted to get her attention, she got it. Tara said she hasn't heard the last from her. Daffney, meanwhile, took over control of the match in the ring. She wrapped her leg around the ringpost and rammed the steps into her leg. The ref DQ'd her. Dr. Stevie restrained Daffney.

WINNER: ODB in 3:00 via DQ.

-Borash interviewed Matt Morgan and Hernandez. Standing next to Morgan and Hernandez, Borash looked about the size of Hornswoggle. Borash said Morgan grabbed the victory at the PPV with a handful of his partner's tights. Hernandez said they're cool now. Morgan said he does whatever it takes to win his matches, so what he did was no big deal. He said Hernandez would have done the same thing if the opportunity presented itself. He told Borash to quit stirring the pot. He told Borash to nod his head and say, "Yes sir." Borash complied. Morgan then turned to the camera and said they're ready to take on all challengers and go down in the history books as the most dominant tag team of all time. Morgan said TNA will line them up and they'll knock them down.

-They showed Sean Waltman and Scott Hall messing around backstage. [c]

-Beer Money Inc. stood in the ring. Robert Roode began, saying it was almost two years ago he and James Storm made the decision to form a tag team. Roode said they promised each other that they'd be the best they could be each and every night. He said they built a reputation since that can be summed up in one word: pride. He said they are not only the greatest tag team in TNA, but the greatest tag team in all of pro wrestling.

[Q4]

Storm took the mic next and said they don't want a war of words with Hogan or Bischoff. He said they're there to plainly state the facts that they've been there since the beginning of TNA. He said it was up to the young guys to build the company, "and by god we did it." He said the numbers don't lie. He said they've made the company a lot of money because their Beer Money merchandise has been outselling everyone. He said now TNA management wants to put them on the sidelines. He said that doesn't set well with them. He said he needs Storm to make his money so he can buy his beer. He said they've seen the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, and right now TNA is as high as as its ever been. He said if TNA wants to go a little further and take that next step, they'll need some Beer Money. He closed with, "Sorry about your damn luck." Hernandez then stepped onto the stage as his music played.

Hernandez addressed Storm & Roode from the stage. He said they have nothing to prove. He said he knows their reputation and how good those two really are. He said he's going to go to Bischoff's office and ask him to give Beer Money a tag team title shot at Destination X. Roode said, "The answer is yes." Hernandez said, "Warrior to warrior, may the best team win."

-Borash interviewed Kevin Nash and Eric Young backstage. He said since Syxx & Hall aren't under contract, it complicates them getting a match to get their revenge. Nash said they want to crack some skulls. Young said they're not asking Bischoff and Hogan for a match, they want TV time. Young said he bets if he gets that TV time, it'll be the highest rated segment in TNA history. He said they'll bust up Syxx and Hall and send them away for good. Nash said he did what he could to get them a roster position, and they repaid him by jumping him. He said after 20 knee operations, he can live with a little pain. He said it goes away. He said the emotional pain of two of your best friends turning on you lasts a lifetime.

-Jeff Jarrett stormed into Bischoff's office and asked if that's all he's got. He said he's forgotten all that he's been through, so it'll take more than six thugs to run him out of the company (all together now...) "that I founded." He stumbled over his words a couple times as he said he's fought for everything he's got. Bischoff apologized. Jarrett told him, "Don't give me that crap!" Jarrett said he's worked too long and too hard to let these things happen week after week after week. Bischoff said it's been tough for him to adjust, too. Jarrett asked if he was trying to get him to feel sorry for him. Bischoff asked him to hear him out. Bischoff said he knows he's been wrong about him. Bischoff said Jarrett did the right thing and he respect him, so he thought for a second and then suggested he meet him out in the ring where he'll give him a better opportunity. "Let me give it in front of your fans, the people you put in the Impact Zone, the people who believe in you," Bischoff said. "Let me give you the opportunity you really deserve. Jeff, I'm asking you to trust me on this one." Jarrett couldn't believe his ears. Bischoff said he wants to build a bridge on their divide. Jarrett paused, but said he would see him out there later. He didn't seem to trust Bischoff for a second. Boy that was enough office conversation for one whole two hour show and enough Bischoff and Jarrett for one whole show. [c]

-A video package aired on the Jarrett-Bischoff relationship.

-Bischoff walked to the ring. He told the fans he loves them, too. He said he'll admit his mistakes, and he's made a lot of them. He said to get to the level in life you want to, you have to acknowledge your mistakes and grow from them. He said Jarrett is a perfect example of such a situation. He asked Jarrett to come out, "music and all," an acknowledgment that he has made Jarrett go to the ring without his music lately. Jarrett walked out with a smile on his face. Tenay gullibly said Bischoff "obviously" is having second-thoughts about how he has treated Jarrett. Jarrett even seemed surprised by the pyro.

[Q5]

-Bischoff said he's willing to put their history behind them. Bischoff asked someone in the back to bring something out from his office. A woman brought a barbed wire baseball bat to the ring. Bischoff said it was unfair to ask one human being to use that weapon against another human being. He said it was disgusting and disgraceful. He said Jarrett did the right thing as a man. He said in "almost every respect" he did the right thing, but the problem is he didn't "do the right thing by me." He said that's why they have the problem they have between them. He said he doesn't seem capable of doing what he wants him to do. He said he'd give him one more shot to do the right thing. He said since he didn't want to use the bat, he asked him to head back to catering and flip a few burgers for the "fine folks at TNA" and "show 'em what your capable of." He ordered him to put on a hair net so they are sure to adhere to health codes. Bischoff asked Jarrett if he has anything to say, "because you can always just quit and make it easy on both of us." Jarrett said nothing. Bischoff wished him "happy flipping." Tenay and Taz said they were wrong in assuming Bischoff might be sincere. Jarrett took off the hair net and stood in the ring with a spatula. [c]

-Morgan asked Hernandez backstage why he walked out there on his own and gave Beer Money a tag team title at Destination X. Hernandez said Morgan told him they would take on anyone. Morgan said he meant they could start with Generation Me or the Motor City Machine Guns. He said he said what he said because he thought it'd sound cool. Morgan stopped in mid-sentence, paused, and said he just thinks they need to talk things through and be on the same page. Morgan said Beer Money is far and away the best of the contenders. He said if they're going to hold onto the tag titles for long, they need to be smart and be on the same page in and out of the ring. Hernandez said, "My bad." Taz said the champs are now on the same page.

3 -- BRIAN KENDRICK vs. KAZARIAN -- Winner Earns X Title Shot

A minute into the match with Kendrick making a comeback, they cut to footage of Samoa Joe being kidnapped last week on a split screen. Meanwhile Kazarian kicked Kendrick when Kendrick climbed to the top rope. He then gave Kendrick the Flex Capacitor off the top rope for the win.

WINNER: Kazarian in 3:00.

-They showed Nash & Young taping their fists backstage. [c]

[Q6]

-Borash interviewed Abyss backstage. He told Flair, Styles, anyone else to try to get his ring. "Bring a chainsaw, bring a see-saw, bring anything you want," he said. "Hulk Hogan gave me his ring, and with the power it brings comes great responsibility." He said Hogan saw something in him and it's given him powers he never knew he had. Borash closed with: "Now I'm not the lord, but I am the Monster of the Rings. Hee hee hee." They're really changed Borash's interview style as he doesn't make those distracting facial expressions anymore.

-Christy interviewed Mr. Anderson backstage. He refused to talk into her mic and held up his hand for his mic to drop into. He asked who is the guy everyone is referring to as "The One," who brings true hope and change to the Impact Zone. He said those watching on DVR in Zombieland and can't wait for the answer, he encouraged them fast-forward to the end of the segment, but then rewind and watch it from the start, tonight he gets his first taste of TNA Championship gold. He said it won't be easy, even for him. He said Terry is big, fast, and strong. He said he's been in the ring with guys bigger, faster, and stronger than him. He said he's strong as six gorillas, but he's defeated six gorilla before - by DQ, but it still counted as a check in the win column. He closed with the "Mistteeeerrrr Anderson" bit.

-They showed Angle heading toward the entrance tunnel to watch the upcoming title match. [c]

-Backstage Brutus Magnus told Terry he was better off with the British Invasion as friends, not enemies. He said now he will answer to him. Terry yanked his finger off of his chest and thanked him for the warning. Then he told him to "piss off."

-Mr. Anderson asked if he was supposed to feel bad about spitting on a medal given to Kurt Angle by the widow or mother of a fallen soldier. He lifted the medal hanging around his neck and looked at it. Angle stepped behind Anderson with a chair in hand. Anderson said the medal was given to him by the widow of a fallen soldier, "only that widow and that soldier just so happened to be Vietnamese. And that's okay, right?" He told the fans they should be ashamed of themselves. Angle hit Anderson from behind with the chair. The crowd chanted, "Break his ankles." Terry walked over to Anderson, picked him up, and carried him to the ring. He slammed him to the mat. The ref ordered the match to start.

[Q7]

4 -- ROB TERRY vs. MR. ANDERSON -- Global Championship Match

Taz said he liked Terry's chances of retaining his title. Terry powerslamming Anderson and scored a pin. They showed Angle smiling widely on the stage.

WINNER: Terry in 30 seconds to retain the Global Title.

-They cut backstage to Jarrett flipping burgers in a kitchen wearing a hair net. Taz said it's not right seeing the founder of the company flipping burgers.

-They showed Foley arriving in a trench coat. Tenay wondered if he was wearing the suit Bischoff wanted him to wear. [c]

-A video package aired on Hall & Waltman turning Nash.

-In the parking garage, Waltman crotch chopped as Young approached him. Young charged at him. Hall, meanwhile, apparently hit Nash with a pipe on his knee off-camera (or did he?). Hall then jumped Young. Hall told Young to stay out of their business. Syxx spray-painted "4 Life" on his back. Hall said it brought back memories. [c]

[Q8]

-They showed Jarrett cutting onions in the kitchen.

-Bischoff was on his phone telling someone that having celebrity judges every week is the dumbest idea he's ever heard, but keep brainstorming. Foley then walked in. Bischoff was very excited for Foley to take the jacket off. It got a little odd. Foley showed of his new suit. Bischoff said his shoes are shined. Bischoff noticed a yellow smear on his lapel. Bischoff asked what it was. Foley said it was mustard. He asked if it hurt the whole look. Foley said he was distracted when he saw Jarrett cooking. Bischoff said he found an etiquette coach to help him carry himself with dignity. Foley was flattered that he's willing to invest that much money in him as an asset. Bischoff said he wants Foley to represent TNA at corporate functions, but he needs to know how to look and act. Foley said he's already been confused about silverware placement. When Foley left, Bischoff laughed, seeming "at" Foley, not "with" him.

5 -- DESMOND WOLFE vs. ABYSS

Abyss walked out to a blend of his music morphing into Hogan's. Tenay and Taz plugged the March 8 Monday timeslot again. Wolfe dominated the first two minutes, but Abyss came right back with a Black Hole Slam for the clean win out of nowhere. Taz called it an insane Black Hole Slam. I know Abyss is getting the monster push right now (no pun intended), but they are really setting Wolfe back in any chance he has to make it as a breakout fresh star this year on the national scene if he's losing like this.

WINNER: Abyss in 3:00.

-As Abyss celebrated, Flair and Styles walked to the ring. Abyss cut them off as they entered the ring with punches. Wolfe hit Abyss across the back with a chair three times. Abyss shook it off, but Flair and Styles jumped him from behind and went after his legs. Flair then kicked him between the legs. Wolfe handcuffed Abyss to the middle rope. Hogan then walked out to the ring and knocked each of the charging heels down Horsemen style. Flair chopped Hogan's legs out from under him from behind and pounded on his forehead. Wolfe joined in, getting of his heat back after that too-quick clean loss. Abyss was unable to help as he watched Hogan get beat down. Styles hit Hogan in the face with the TNA World Hvt. Title belt. Hogan bled from his forehead, which Taz pointed out as soon as it was visible. Abyss yanked his arm free from the handcuff while letting out a barbaric yell. The heels fled as Abyss held Hogan's bloodied head in his hands. [c]

-After a replay of the attack in the previous segment, Hogan stood in the ring with Abyss with mic in hand. He told Flair to hold on a minute. He said if he wants to interfere in everybody's matches, on March 8, "the biggest night in TNA history, you're coming out of retirement because I just booked you in a match." Flair fired back that he'll do what he wants to do when he wants to do. Hogan ordered Flair's mic turned off. Flair freaked out. Hogan told Styles that he will team with Flair against Abyss and a partner. Styles shouted, "Bring it on!" Styles asked who Abyss's partner is. "You got nobody!" said Styles. Hogan looked to the crowd. They chanted his name. Hogan smiled and nodded and said, "On Monday, March 8 when we go big time, guys, you'll be facing Abyss and his partner, Hulk Hogan." Flair and Styles threw a fit. Tenay said, "You wanna talk about taking over Monday nights?! This is how you take over Monday nights!" Taz said, "Business is about to pick up."

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