TV REPORTS WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 12/10: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast
Dec 10, 2009 - 8:16:16 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: Last week was another Towelie episode—lots of stuff was happening, but then it seemed to get high and just sort of wander off. The PPV we're building to looks an awful lot like the one we're building off, but, given the awesomeness that was Turning Point, I doubt anyone's too upset over that. Someone finally remembered that AJ has a mystery attacker; I'm giving that plotline about a 40% chance of having a worthwhile payoff, which is actually pretty high as these things go. Anyway, camera crews will be following Foley down to Nashville in the start of what they're implying is a return for Jeff Jarrett. It had better be, since the other alternative would be a chance to take some cheap shots at Jeff Vickie-Guerrero-style, which would not be cool. In other news, TNA decided to reward its loyal fans by announcing its biggest news in years on someone else's show. That's a little odd. Anyway, at some point next month they'll be doing at least some Monday night shows.
TNA at least seems to believe its hype about drawing new eyeballs, since we start with a recap of just about everything.
Mick Foley shows up in the Impact Zone only to find Kevin Nash in his office. Nash has an offer for him—he arranged a sit-down between Foley and Hogan, complete with some coach airline tickets. Since Mick'll be gone though, Nash wants to be allowed to run the show in return. Mick thinks that's a fair deal, and so treks off to meet Hogan with JB in tow. He just wants Nash to show the DVD he brought of his meeting with Jeff. Nash gives them $100 for cocktails. As soon as Mick is out the door, Nash calls security and uses his new authority to order the security tapes of Foley's office for the last three months.
Kevin Nash comes down to the ring, accompanied by Eric Young. He tells us that we're in for a show tonight. He explains to the crowd what we just saw about him being in charge. People are always really loud in an arena when backstage videos show, so they might not have known. The crowd chants for Nash, but he assures them that he knows his name. He's here to tell us what we've got in store tonight: all three members of The British Invasion against Chris Sabin, Scott Steiner and a knockout of his choice and against Bobby Lashley & Kristal, Tara vs. ODB in a Trailer Park Throw Down, which is like a Chicago Street Fight but where they have to drink a six pack first, a special one-time Global Championship Defense of Eric Young against Hamada (Young has a good laugh about that), and a mud-wrestling match between Lacey Von Erich and Velvet Sky. Didn't they just make the point two weeks ago that the one thing a guest GM couldn't do was book a match that would be disrespectful to the knockouts division? Unless they have some clever twist coming (which they might), this is not good news for anyone. Finally, since Mick couldn't get his money back from when he was suspended, Nash's giving a World Heavyweight Championship shot to the highest bidder.
Earlier this week Mick tried to get in touch with Dixie Carter, going so far as to literally whistle "Dixie". He bumps into some writers backstage, and asks them to write a segment where Dixie Carter actually returns his phone calls. He then sees one of Jeff's buddies, who gives him the low-down on where Double J might be hanging out.
(1) THE BRITISH INVASION vs. CHRIS SABIN
Has Doug Williams always been blond? He suddenly reminds me of Bruno. We're told that Nash has banned Alex Shelley from ringside. Sabin and Williams start off with a bit of chain wrestling, culminating in a Side Headlock from Williams. Sabin shoots him off, pops Magnus off the apron, tosses Williams out, and looks to flip out onto them when he's cut off by a shoulder block from Rob Terry. Williams comes back in and chokes Sabin against the corner. Magnus tags in and they hit their Double Union Jack, followed by the Handshake of Doom. Williams tags back in and whips Williams knee first into Sabin. Williams returns the favor by whipping Sabin into a Big Boot from Magnus. He tags in Rob Terry (who the crowd says can't wrestle), who hits a Body Slam, but whiffs on an Elbow Drop. Sabin whips him into the corner. Williams and Magnus come in to help, but Sabin dodges and stacks them up in the corner. He looks for a running kick to all three, but Williams and Magnus get out of the way—Terry still eats it. Magnus and Williams try to strike back with some type of double clothesline, but Sabin dodges and they run right into Terry. While they recover, Sabin hits a quick Tornado Small Package (which I didn't even know was a move) on Terry for the pinfall.
WINNER: Chris Sabin in four minutes. Williams and Magnus are unhappy at their partner. I really hope that this is the start of a MCMG push and not a Rob Terry face turn.
Christy Hemme (filling in for JB) is in the back with Scott Steiner, who runs her hand over her chest. She says that the former Main Event Mafia bonds remain strong, since Nash gave him the Lashleys. Steiner's ticked off that she alluded to there being no more Main Event Mafia, since when you allude, you make an ass out of yourself, and then you make an ass out of him since she's supposed to be a professional (I love Steiner promos). Tonight'll go down just like Nash said—he'll find a freak, since he has lots of uses for freaks. But in the ring isn't one of them, so she'll sit by and watch as he beats up the Lashleys. And if Miles gets in the way, he'll hit him too. Christy realizes that he's talking about the Lashleys' two year old son, but Steiner corrects that he's one and a half. See, that's the great thing about him—he doesn't discriminate on the basis of age.
Mick Foley's searching Nashville for Jeff Jarrett. How many of these "Foley wanders around" segments have we seen? It feels like a lot. He finds the restaurant, but Jarrett hasn't been there for a month.
(2) BOBBY & KRISTAL LASHLEY vs. SCOTT STEINER & AWESOME KONG
Nash can book matches with people who aren't TNA employees? Could he have booked me in a match? Steiner has a picture of Kristal on his crotch. Lashley starts things off with a kick to Steiner's gut, a sledge to the back and a Body Slam. Steiner rolls out of the ring and has the ref rebuke Lashley for the use of a closed fist. Lashley follows him out—shouldn't he have just let the match end by count-out? He follows Steiner back into the ring and gets caught by a couple of Knife-Edged Chops. Lashley just powers him onto his shoulders for some type of Rib Breaker. A Suplex gets two. Lashley comes off the ropes but gets tripped up by Awesome Kong. Steiner knocks him down, then floors him with a clothesline when he gets back up. Kong comes in to help out with Lashley, who ducks. Kong inadvertently clotheslines Steiner. While they argue, Lashley clubs Steiner and then takes him over with a T-Bone Suplex. Steiner rolls to the outside, and when Lashley follows him out Steiner whips him into the steel steps near Kristal. She goes to check on Lashley, and might actually have accidentally tagged in. Steiner glares at her, and she backs up into Kong. Kong crushes her and starts to go to the top rope for a big Splash, but Steiner just takes the moderately sexual cover and then does some pushups over her.
WINNERS: Scott Steiner & Awesome Kong in four and a half minutes.
Lauren is in the back with Samoa Joe, who will apparently be in the Feast or Fired match. Somehow the flavor-of-the-month Daniels got the title shot at Final Resolution, and Joe was "randomly" left off the championship series two weeks ago. Someone in TNA Management clearly wants to keep him away from the title. That's why he's entering Feast or Fired, since it's his last chance left. Beer Money come by, and it's their last chance too. Joe says he's sorry about their damned luck, since he'll be getting the World Title Shot. I wonder if he knows that that's compatible with them getting their shot. Anyway, Joe storms off, and Roode repeats that it's worth the risk for their last chance. Storm seems less certain.
The Beautiful People are in the back, preparing to storm off on the basis of the embarrassment that is a mud wrestling match. Nash comes in to correct the record. He didn't do this to embarrass them, but for the ratings. Sky asks why they should care. He replies that ratings mean attention for them, since no one will be changing the channel when they come on. Rachael points out that she'll be going upstairs. Anyway, ratings also mean that the three of them can make a lot of money. Rayne asks how she's involved, and he says that a match like this needs a referee. She likes the outfit he produces. Lacey says that they're going to get rated like one of those five-star hotels, but they'll get like six or something since they're so awesome. Sky looks at her pityingly and comments that she's very pretty at least.
We recap Sting's absence, then go to Hogan's announcement on Saturday that TNA will have a show on Monday, January 4th.
Lauren is in the back with Tara, who's desperately trying to make it through a six-pack (of bottles). She doesn't think this is funny; she's a world class athlete—she shouldn't have to drink before a match. But she would go through a keg to get her hands on ODB, after what ODB did to her last week.
Christy is in the locker room with Eric Young, who says that he wouldn't do this match for just anyone. He knows he's breaking his rule against defending the belt on American soil, but it is against a non-American. She's a star in Mexico and Japan, and World Elite have been eyeing her for some time. This is an initiation match for her. He knows a lot of naysayers will claim that they picked Hamada because, as a woman, she's no real threat. He wants her to prove us all wrong and bust out all the stops to win his global championship. He's going to treat this like any other title defense. Welcome to their world.
(3) ERIC YOUNG vs. HAMADA Global Championship Match
They lock up to start. Young backs Hamada into a corner, then pats her on the head. The crowd chants for TNA to fire Eric. He plays to the crowd a bit, only to eat a Spinning Heel Kick. He rolls to the outside, where she follows him with a bunch of quick strikes. EY goes to the corner, and when she charges he gets up a boot—I guess that doesn't count as hitting a woman cause she was moving? His edge doesn't last long, as Hamada gets him with a leaping kick, then takes him down with a top rope Frankensteiner. She goes for a Moonsault, but whiffs. EY makes the cover with the ropes to get the win.
WINNER: Eric Young.
The beautiful people are in the locker room, where Nash has promised them huge bonuses if they have the highest rated segment in Impact history. They have to figure out how to make that happen. Rayne suggests a wardrobe malfunction. Von Eric suggests that they just go out and have a pure wrestling match, and everyone has a good laugh. They try out various outfits, with their robes to the camera. Sky finally hits upon the best idea—tonight'll be the night The Beautiful People finally kiss on television. This had better be a bait-and-switch (about the mud-wrestling, not the kissing).
Mick Foley gets lost in TN and pulls over to some trucker bar for directions, where he bumps into a disheveled Jeff Jarrett.
Christy Hemme is interviewing ODB, who is stomping on cans in the back and still drinking. She doesn't know why the called this a Trailer Park Throwdown. The point of the match is to get drunk and then kick someone's ass—ODB calls that a typical night. She welcomes Tara to her world (she should join World Elite).
(4) TARA (w/POISON) vs. ODB Trailer Park Throwdown
In honor of the late Mr. Fatu I will be bringing back the shot-to-the head counter, and this time will keep it cumulative. ODB gives Tara, who's looking like she's going to puke, a bucket, but Tara whacks her with it. ODB rolls to the outside, where ODB whacks her a few more times with some sort of handle. Tara is poised to drop a cooler on ODB's head, but ODB takes a sip and spits some booze in her face. She wraps Tara up in caution tape, then hits her on the back with some sort of tray. She hits a plunger to Tara's butt, and they go back into the ring. There's a ladder set up in the corner, and ODB catapults Tara into it. I'm pretty sure that was protected. ODB starts to climb the ladder, but then randomly decides to bust out a step-ladder instead. A Splash gets two. ODB backs Tara into the corner and chokes her with a tiki torch. Tara flips her out. They get back to their knees. Each of them grabs a trash can, and…uh oh.
Headshot Counter: 7
Tara Body Slams ODB, sets a trashcan lid on top of her, and Moonsaults onto it. She starts to climb for another, but stumbles and falls off the turnbuckles. ODB chokes her out with a steel chain, and uses it to nail a Face Buster onto the chair.
Headshot Counter: 8
WINNER: ODB in six minutes.
Mick Foley is telling Jeff Jarrett that he looks like hell. Jeff says that's cause he's been living in hell. Why did Mick Foley come down? Jarrett made his point last week on the phone. Mick says that they go back 20 years, and old Double J can't stay away from wrestling. Jarrett agrees that Double J can't, but Jeff Jarrett can. After what "she" has put him through, there's no way he's coming back. I guess the heelish vibes I've been getting from Dixie Carter were intentional.
We're told that Spike TV will not let them air footage of the latest encounter between Abyss and Dr. Stevie, so we should go to TNA.com to see it. I will probably not.
Team 3D come down to the ring with Rhino and Jesse Neal, the last of whom is sporting The Pope's jacket. Ray informs us that this will be a handicap match, since The Pope won't be making it here tonight.
(5) HERNANDEZ, MATT MORGAN, & HERNANDEZ vs. TEAM 3D, RHINO, & JESSE NEAL.
Rhino starts things off with a kick to Morgan, but gets backed into the corner for Morgan's back elbows. Devon tags in, but bounces off Morgan. Suicide and Ray tag in as well. Suicide this a few Arm Drags, but Ray powers him down and tags in Jesse Neal. Neal hits a series of clubs in the corner, then tags in Rhino. Rhino keeps working over Suicide, hitting a Spear in the corner. Devon tags back in and beats Suicide to the mat. Devon charges, but Suicide gets a boot up. He takes advantage of the distance to hit a thrusting dropkick. Hernandez and Neal tag in. Hernandez takes down Neal with his Slingshot Shoulder Block, takes down an interfering Rhino and Devon, then pops Ray off the apron. He lifts Neal over with a Back Body Drop, then flies to the outside to take out the other three men. Hernandez comes back in and floors Neal with a Dominator for 1, 2…no! Ray comes in and hits a Bubba Bomb, Morgan takes him out with a Carbon Footprint, and everyone starts hitting finishers in rapid succession. Eventually Hernandez ends up with Devon, whom he nails with the Border Toss, only to turn into a Spear from the legal Neal for the three count.
WINNERS: Team 3D, Rhino, & Jesse Neal? What just happened? Hernandez was kept down by a Spear from JESSE NEAL? B.S.
We see a video hyping Tomko. Don't they usually air those before the wrestler returns?
The Beautiful People hit the entranceway, still wearing robes. They take them off, but are actually wearing about what they usually are. Nope, there's no switch, we get the mud wrestling. The crowd's chanting something, but I can't tell what. Rayne laughs at the other two, so they pull her into the mud. Sky wins with a rollup (though, as it happens, Von Erich's shoulder was clearly up. It would be legitimately funny if Von Erich challenges the loss).
Lauren is in the back with Jay Lethal. Next week will mark the return of the Black Machismo Invitational. Lethal wants to know how he's supposed to wrestle someone without knowing who it is. He also doesn't get why all these legends keep coming after him. She reminds Lethal that he invited them, which he admits is a good point. He says that to beat a legend he'll have to act like one; he'll start signing autographs in high school gyms and telling young punks what to do. Next week he'll beat whoever it is, then he'll beat the next legend after that, till he finally gets Hogan and rewrites the history books.
AJ's on his way to the ring.
Mick is reminding Jarrett that he convinced Mick to put his money in TNA. Mick did, since he trusted Jeff, and suddenly Dixie goes out and partners with Hulk Hogan. Jarrett's amazed that Mick is concerned about himself, after Mick made Jeff's life a living a hell. Jarrett's the one who founded TNA with his sweat and his tears, only to vanish for five months. Mick says that he brought that on himself, but Jeff says that the punishment didn't fit the crime. Mick's not so sure, so Jarrett tells him to pound off. Mick says that he should leave, since he doesn't like this new Jeff Jarrett person. The old Double J would have fought a little harder to defend what he had built. Maybe he should just give up, and while he's at it find someone else to care for those two little girls. Jeff, seemingly woken up, points out that it's three, then tells Mick to sit back down.
AJ comes out first, and then we meet the highest bidder—Desmond Wolfe.
(6) AJ STYLES vs. DESMOND WOLFE World Heavyweight Championship Match
Kurt comes down to commentary for the match. Wolfe gets an immediate Full Nelson, then a wrist lock. AJ tries to flip out, but Wolfe blocks him. AJ then does flip through, but Wolfe maintains the hold and gets AJ back down. AJ gets up and hits a Body Slam, but Wolfe still hangs onto the hold. Finally AJ reverses the hold, they trade wrist locks, and eventually AJ shoots him off and gets him with a high dropkick. AJ gets a quick hammerlock, but Wolfe elbows his face. Wolfe tries to run AJ into the turnbuckle, but AJ blocks it. AJ whiffs though on a strike in the corner, and Wolfe connects with his Hammerlock Slam, then the Suplex. He pounds AJ's left arm against the mat, then twists it against the ropes. AJ uses his free hand to fight back, but Wolfe headbutts him back into the corner. He charges right into a Big Boot, and AJ connects with a series of clotheslines and then some sort of Back Breaker to his own knee. Wolfe lifts him up with a Back Body Drop, but AJ lands on the apron and comes back with the Flying Forearm. AJ knocks him down, and as Wolfe falls he kicks AJ in the groin. The ref treats it as an accident, but Wolfe points to his head to let us know that it wasn't. He signals for his lariat, but Daniels comes down and grabs him from the outside. When Wolfe looks at him, AJ sneaks up and gets him with a roll-up into a bridge for three.
WINNER: AJ Styles in five minutes. I like the plot twist, but I would have preferred seeing these two ramp up more quickly if the match was going to be this short. (I realize that wouldn't actually make sense—how would they know in advance it would be a short match?—so I guess this works too).
Wolfe and Daniels get into it on the ramp way.
Jeff is saying that he doesn't know what "that" is going to accomplish, since it's been five months. Mick says that five months is just the right amount of time for things to cool down. Jeff asks what they'll do about Kurt, and Mick says they'll get to that next—Dixie is the key to everything. Jeff wants to know why Mick thinks she will take his calls if he won't take Mick's, but Mick reminds him that while he might be a hardcore legend, there wouldn't even be a TNA without Jarrett. Jeff asks how they would do this. Mick says that Jeff should do it the way he's done it a thousand times before—he should just walk into the Impact Zone with his head held high. Jeff says that he's in.
Where We're Going: To the end of the Knockouts Division. Seriously, they just made the point that they weren't going to do this two weeks ago, then had ODB reemphasize it last week.
Star of the Night: Mick Foley. Aside from having some legitimately interesting promo work with Jarrett, he mostly gets this for having the good sense to get out of the Impact Zone before this show cratered.
Overall: Admittedly this show happened to catch me in a bad mood, and it did have a couple of good points. Oddly enough, the Foley search, which I dreaded the most coming in, was easily the best part of the show. We got to see a few minutes of AJ-Wolfe, but not even really enough to do any appetite wetting. On the downside we had Jessie Neal pinning Hernandez, which was personally kind of annoying, but not really a problem. Then there was disaster that used to be the knockouts division. They managed to simultaneously do the one thing they swore they would never do by treating the women as mere eye candy, and yet somehow managed to go the opposite direction by having another match with eight freak'n chair shots to the head. I assume this was filmed before the Fatu news or the study of Andrew Martin's brain, but couldn't someone, somewhere, have made the call to cut out what would normally have been a bad idea from a show where it was actively offensive? It's the WWE's London bomber response all over again, only this time, instead of just being offensive, it was also physically dangerous. Oh, and to complete the hat trick, somehow, in his first day back, they decided to bring up Jarrett's kids (though in a less bothersome context than usual). I think I'm going to take a couple weeks off for winter break—maybe that's enough time for TNA to get back to where they were just a couple of weeks ago. In the meantime, TNA is a failure: F
Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He is going to Costa Rica, where he can forget about this awful show. Suggestions for things to do in Costa Rica can be sent to email@example.com
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