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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 12/03: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast
Dec 3, 2009 - 8:12:55 PM |
By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: Something something Hogan announcement, something something. Sorry, the pizza just got here.
The Show: Sexy's Got a Secret
Oddly enough the opening package is pretty much what I just said. I am looking forward to a Nash-centric show though.
[Opening Credits]
The opening graphic shows that Dixie Carter will talk about not only Hogan, but Sting and…Jeff Jarrett?
Desmond Wolfe is in the midst of "his ring", in the six sides of steel. The crowd reminds him that he tapped out. He wants to set the record straight—Kurt put him in an (il?)legal submission hold, and Wolfe tapped out. He wasn't stupid. But Angle didn't beat him. Beating someone means destroying them, crushing them week in and week out. That's what Wolfe did last week when he spit his "tasty British flem" at Kurt, knowing Kurt would lose his temper, and with it his chance at the World Heavyweight Championship. Wolfe's had his fun, now it's time to end things. That's why at Final Resolution they'll meet in what Wolfe calls "Three Degrees of Pain." Wait, seriously? That's the best rip off name they could come up with? It feels almost like someone was playing gimmick match mad-libs: we need a number, a noun indicating levels, and something bad. It's what you'd think—two out of three falls, the first by pin fall, the second by submission, and the third by escape from the cage. First Wolfe will pin Kurt with the Tower of London, then make him submit to the London Dudgeon and then, even though the match'll be over, he'll escape the cage anyway just so that he can humiliate Kurt three times in a row. Kurt comes out in wrestling gear, and he says he knows to always be prepared when Wolfe's in the building. What he doesn't know is why he doesn't just go down to the ring and kick Wolfe's ass. Come to think of it, he will. The cage door is locked, so Angle scales his way to the inside. He gets in a few shots, but Wolfe came prepared with brass 'nuks. Angle gets whacked, and then Wolfe tosses him around the steel for good measure. He tells Kurt that he's the one who's always prepared, then unlocks the cage and stalks out.
[Commercial Break]
JB is in Mick's office. Mick's still sporting an eye patch, and annoyed that Dixie won't return his calls. He's afraid that next time he comes in Brutus Beefcake will have his desk. Kurt storms in, saying he doesn't want to wait till Final Resolution. Mick isn't even sure what his role in the company is anymore. Kurt replies that if Mick can't book the match, he'll find someone who can. Mick assures him that he can still book matches, and agrees to it as long as Kurt tells him everything he knows about the Hogan situation. Kurt says that there is no situation, except for Mick's jealousy. Mick starts screaming about how he's not jealous.
(1) DOUG WILLIAMS (w/BRUTUS MAGNUS & ROB TERRY) vs. ALEX SHELLEY (w/CHRIS SABIN)
The ref kicks the various posses to the back. Magnus gets in a cheap shot on Sabin on their way out. Shelley starts things off with a Springboard Sidekick to the back of Williams's head. Williams rolls to the outside, so Shelley follows him with a Suicide Dive. He rolls Williams back in and hits him with a Splash off the top rope for two. Williams goes behind Shelley and gets him into position for a Gory Special and backs Shelley up into the ring post. He dropkicks the Shelley sternum first into the turnbuckles. He locks in a Bow and Arrow, but Shelley reverses it into a cover. Williams kicks out right away, and hits a series of strikes before Shelley dodges one in the corner. Shelley takes him down and connects with a Buzzsaw Kick for two. He looks for Sliced Bread #2, but Williams shoves him down. Williams goes to the top rope and nails his jumping uppercut for two. Williams works over Shelley some more, then tries to finish him off with Chaos Theory, his rolling German Suplex. Shelley blocks it right before the Suplex part, reaches up and grabs Williams for Sliced Bread #2. That all folks.
WINNER: Alex Shelley in four minutes.
Suicide bumps into D'Angelo Dinero backstage. The Pope, Hernandez, and Morgan need a fourth man now that Jesse Neil has rejoined Rhino and Team 3D. He knew right away that Suicide was their fourth man. Suicide says that the "Dark Savior"'s trust is not so easy to earn. Why do they let him talk? Anyway, Dinero has a gift. It was when Suicide leapt off the entrance to put Dinero through a table that Dinero realized what Suicide would do to win. So he kept a shard from that table, and he now gives it to him (autographed).
[Commercial Break]
In Foley's office with JB and Mick Foley is…D'Lo Brown? Really? Mick wants to know what he thinks of Hogan. Mick knows that D'Lo trains a lot of people, and so he has a lot influence with the young wrestlers. D'Lo says that from all he's heard, Hogan's on the level. After he leaves, Mick flips out. He asks if D'Lo thinks Hogan will get him another shot at the European Title. Ha! He also wants to know who the hell walks like that anyway. Double ha!
(2) SUICIDE vs. HOMICIDE
Suicide starts things off with a gut wrench takedown on Homicide. They trade Standing Side Headlocks; Suicide gets the better one and drops it to the mat. Homicide shoots him off, but Suicide comes back with a shoulder block, then immediately locks in some type of crossface. Homicide escapes and comes back with a spinning elbow. He shoots Suicide chest first into the corner turnbuckle, then mounts him on the mat and punches his head a few times. A Short Arm Clothesline gets two. He works the neck vise. Suicide slips out and goes for a Body Slam, but Homicide reverses it into a Michonoku Driver. Suicide gets out at two—it's not totally clear whether he kicked out or whether Homicide lifted him up. If the latter, then that might have been a mistake, since Suicide kicks him from the mat, hits a leg lariat, and yanks him down. Suicide goes for a Neck Breaker, but it's reversed into the Gringo Cutter. A nonchalant cover gets two. Suicide and Homicide jockey for position, but ends it with a thrust dropkick from Suicide. He wants a Suicide Solution—it's reversed into an attempted Gringo Killer, which is re-reversed into a Backslide for game.
WINNER: Suicide in five minutes.
After the match, Homicide jumps Suicide and starts to rip off his mask. Dinero runs down to make the save. He extends his hand to Suicide, who still doesn't want to take it.
[Commercial Break]
The Beautiful People are preparing to film Meanest Girls 3 when Daniels comes by. He says that he has the perfect plot for that particular movie. They decide to hear him out.
It's time for Trash Talk with ODB, with her guest, the #1 Contender, Tara. Tara extends her hand and says that she can't wait for their match. ODB tells her to cut the crap, since Tara just came over from WWE and thinks she can go right to the top (she already did once—she won the title before you did). They've been building this division for seven years—um, ODB just joined the company in 2007. Anyway, Tara says that the reason she broke her 2 year contract with WWE was because she was sick of being a joke, and wanted to get back to real wrestling. ODB starts to apologize, then slaps her in the face then starts wailing on her. She's not buying Tara's act.
[Commercial Break]
Jesse Neil comes out to a video that reminds me of Taz's old one—hey, Taz just agreed that it seemed familiar.
(3) JESSE NEAL vs. D'ANGELO "THE POPE" DINERO
Neil starts things off with a go behind, but Dinero counters with a quick clothesline. Neil elevates him out to the apron, then shoulder blocks him down to ringside. Neal rolls Dinero in and begins a several minute stiff beat down. He hits some weird Body Slam/Shoulder Breaker for two. Dinero dodges a charge in the corner and connects with a throat thrust. Neal falls into into the corner, where he eats a DDE for the loss.
WINNER: Dinero in two minutes.
After the match Neal clubs Dinero in the back of the head, then connects with a Gore. He's gloating, when suddenly the lights turn out. When they come back up Suicide is on the top rope. He connects with a drop kick, then extends his hand to Dinero, who takes it. Team 3D and Rhino come out to get the numbers advantage, but they're followed there by Hernandez and Matt Morgan. They decide that maybe this isn't the best time for a fight after all.
Still to come, we'll see Tenay interviewing Dixie Carter in what appears to be a French Vineyard of some sort.
[Commercial Break]
(4) KEVIN NASH & ERIC YOUNG vs. BEER MONEY INC.
Storm spits beer all over Nash right when they come down. He then starts off the match with some right hands on Young. Young whips him into a corner, but he bounces back with a clothesline. Roode tags in and hits a Body Slam. Storm hits an Elbow Drop on his way out, and then Roode connects with a Knee Drop for two. Roode whips Young into the ropes, but lowers his head too early and gets kicked in the head. It doesn’t matter, cause EY walks right into a Spine Buster for two. Young pokes Roode's eyes and makes the tag to Nash. Storm comes in and goes ballistic, taking down Nash and Young. Unfortunately Roode's still legal, so once Storm leaves Nash just goes back to working him over with knee lifts. EY tags in and hits an Elbow Drop for two. Roode comes up firing, and gets a quick roll-up for two, but EY connects with a clothesline to retake control. Nash tags back in and Snake Eyes Roode. Roode tries to fight out of the corner, but Nash cuts him off with another knee. Roode ducks a clothesline, and Nash hits the ringpost. Nash has to tag. EY tries to prevent Roode from doing likelwise, but gets kicked off. Storm Back Body Drops EY. Nash comes in, but Storm hits a Cross Body Block to take him off his feet. He hits a Back Stabber on Young, but Nash breaks it up. Nash starts hitting Storm, but Roode gets him with a Leaping Neck Breaker off the top rope. Roode and Nash roll to the outside. Storm hits Young with the Eye of the Storm, but it only gets two. He sets up for a Last Call Superkick, but Nash catches his leg from outside the ring. The ref goes to chastise Nash, and EY takes the opportunity to hit a low blow. He connects with the Pile Driver for the win.
WINNERS: Nash & Young in six minutes. That was pretty good.
After the match, Mick Foley starts coming down the ramp. He congratulates Big Sexy for taking care of business, but Mick has some business of his own. Kevin and Hulk are buddies. Kevin knows why Hogan is coming, and who he's bringing with him. Mick could flaunt his authority and threaten to suspend him or whatnot, but instead he'll appeal to him as a colleague of 18 years. They might not be best friends, but they've shared some nice road stories. Nash suggests that instead of investing in TNA stock, Mick should have invested in a better haircut and a suit (though the Armani eye patch has not gone unnoticed), since in a couple weeks he'll be looking for a job. No one in this business is cleaner than Mick, but right now he's acting as paranoid as a guy who just left an Amsterdam coffee shop for the first time. If Mick wants answers he should call Hogan himself. Mick asks if Nash has his number. He does, but Hulk said not to give it to him. Mick starts to threaten him, since he doesn't think this is so funny, but Nash isn't buying it. Mick's not that guy. And when "the boss" gets here—and Nash is referring to Hogan here—he won't care for idle threats, and he won't care for bullies. Mick is a fun guy; Nash could talk to him all night, and he's sure the crowd would love it. But he's meeting with some old band mates—they're thinking of getting the band back together.
This was a great segment all around.
[Commercial Break]
Lashley comes down to the ring with Cristal. Uh oh, he has a mic. He says he has nothing to say to Steiner. Phew. He'll do all his talking at Final Resolution. Cristal says that she'll do the talking now. Steiner is sick, delusional, and obsessed. All she wanted to do was watch the show and support her husband, not to be a part of it. She's never been harassed by sick weirdoes at any of Bobby's MMA fights, but apparently they do things differently around here. Steiner has forced Lashley's hand, and he won't be responsible for what he does. When she barks, that man bites, and at Final Resolution the big dog is gonna eat Steiner for lunch.
Lauren is in the back with Daniels, who takes a moment to smell the change. Just look at Daniels—he asked for something, and he didn't get punished—he actually got it (a one-on-one title shot). He's dedicating his next match to AJ Styles, whose title he'll be taking at Final Resolution. Lauren suggests he concern himself with his upcoming match with Abyss. Daniels thinks that it's cute that she's sticking up for Abyss just like he always sticks up for her. He thinks that they deserve each other.
[Commercial Break]
AJ comes down to the commentary booth. He wants to again appeal to Sting to return his calls, since he's getting worried. Beyond that, he's not really here to talk. He doesn't know Daniels anymore, so he's treating him like any other wrestler, and is out here to scout him.
(5) ABYSS vs. DANIELS
Daniels taunts Abyss with a jumping jack, a pat on the head, and his imitation of Abyss's clap. He goes to pick a leg, but Abyss remains motionless. He tries for a wrist lock, but its immediately reversed, so he goes into the ropes. He attempts a side headlock, but Abyss lifts him up and tosses him onto his back. Abyss lets him get back up, but Daniels slaps him in the face. Daniels runs around the ring and comes back in, but Abyss is fast and connects with a Big Boot. He Press Slams him, charges him in the corner, and looks for a Shock Treatment. Daniels slips out, but gets goozled for a Choke Slam. He signals something, and a video appears on the screen of The Beautiful People beating up Lauren in the women's bathroom. Abyss is distraught, and doesn't notice Daniels sneaking up behind him for a low blow. Daniels connects, gets a side roll up, and grabs the tights for three.
WINNER: Daniels in two minutes.
After the match, Daniels motions for AJ to join him in the ring. AJ starts to come down, but gets ambushed by his mystery attacker. I can't tell who it is, but it's not Kurt.
[Commercial Break]
We recap what happened moments ago. One of the advantages of not really following the comings and goings of personnel is that mystery attackers can actually be a bit mysterious.
Lashley and Steiner have been booked for a Last Man Standing Match.
We go to Tenay's interview with Dixie Carter. He asks for elaboration on her speech a couple of weeks ago. She doesn't really say much. He wants to know why the meeting aired on Impact, and she thought that if it were documented it would hold everyone accountable, even her. Tenay asks about Sting. She says that she spoke to him on the phone, and he wanted to know about the Hogan signing. She tried to bait him back by asking what he would do about it. Tenay asks for a comment on Jarrett. She says that there was a personal issue effecting the whole company, and so Jarrett was put on leave, both as a wrestler and as a booker. Tenay asks how the relationship with Hogan got started. She heard Hogan talk about TNA on the radio, and eventually they agreed the time was right to work together. He asks what Hogan means for TNA. She says that it's a great company, but it needs more exposure, and that's what Hogan will bring. He's one of the most recognizable men on the planet, and one of the best wrestling minds in the business. Tenay asks what his role will be. We're told he'll be working with Dixie to reexamine every aspect of the company. He asks where the company will be in 10 years. She says that she knows they're ready, and that they're not out to recreate history, but to make history. She says that "in the next couple days" we'll see how serious she is. Wait, if this was filmed earlier this week shouldn't the next couple days be now? Also, what did that have to do with the question asked?
[Commercial Break]
Hogan suggests that TNA will be going more international.
Desmond Wolfe is in Mick Foley's office. He wants to say that he's a big fan. Also, he knows that he made his name by attacking Kurt, but he would never have been able to if Mick hadn't helped him get his foot in the door. Wolfe wants to know why Mick gave Kurt a match just because he asked for it. Could Desmond ask for a spelling bee with Scott Steiner and get it? Mick thinks that he probably could, cause that would generate ratings (it would in fact be awesome), but Kurt will not be wrestling Desmond tonight. Mick has other plans for Kurt. Desmond's glad to hear it, and hopes that Mick has the stroke to make it happen. Wolfe leaves, but mention of "the stroke" reminds Mick that he has one contact he hasn't tried. He calls someone who's at least supposedly Jarrett, and asks him to show up next week to put the kibosh on the Hogan thing. He says it's no joke. Jeff says that it is a joke—he's done with TNA and it's stupid comedy. He was done four months ago and he still is. The connection was weak, so it was hard to make out exactly what he was saying.
(6) HAMADA vs. SARITA
Taz starts things off with another shot at Lacey Von Erich for being a bitch. I don't know what's up with that. Hamada goes behind and slams Sarita to the mat. She goes for an Arm Drag, Sarita dodges, but Hamada connects with a Springboard variant, which is countered by one from Sarita. Both women go for dropkicks, then have the standoff of mutual respect. Hamada starts working some chops, but Sartita trips her. Hamada tries to come back with an Ensuguri, but Sarita ducks and hits an insane Hurricanrana. Hamada bounces back and hits a stiff kick to Sarita's head for a long two count. Hamada hits a thrusting dropkick for another long two. She goes for the Hamada Driver, but it's reversed into a Victory Roll for two. Sarita nails a Floating DDT for two. She hits a back heel trip, then spins into some variant of an ankle lock. Hamada shoves her off and rolls her up for two. As Sarita gets up Hamada hits her with back to back Spinning Heel Kicks. Sarita looks out, but Hamada finishes her off with a Hamada Driver to be safe.
WINNER: Hamada in four minutes. Hamada is definitely growing on me.
[Commercial Break]
JB is in the locker room with AJ Styles. He says that whoever is attacking him, he got his attention the first time. It's bad enough he has to face his best friend at Final Resolution without having to deal with this too. He'll get his revenge though. The next time whoever it is lays a hand on AJ will be the last time he does anything.
Kurt Angle comes down to the ring. Mick Foley is out next, mic in hand. He's not gonna lie—it's been a tough couple weeks for him. Something Kurt said stuck in his craw. People can say that Mick is unbalanced, a poor dresser, and even cheap, but nobody calls him jealous. Mick said that Kurt could face Wolfe if he told Mick everything he knew about Hogan, but that didn't happen. So now Mick will give this match an old fashioned tweak, as Kurt will go against Raven and Dr. Stevie in a handicap match. Raven burned him, but in some ways Angle burned him worse. In any event, whether Raven and Dr. Stevie hurt Kurt or Kurt hurts them, Mick wins.
(7) KURT ANGLE vs. RAVEN & Dr. STEVIE (w/DAFFNEY)
Raven and Dr. Stevie are seemingly both legal, as they gang up on Kurt in the corner and stomp on him. The crowd is split between Angle and Raven. Poor Stevie? Angle rolls to the outside, so Dr. Stevie and Raven Side Russian Leg Sweep him into the barricade. They roll him in for two. They go back to working the punches and stomps. They whip Angle into the ropes, but he comes back with a Double Clothesline. We're told that next week cameras will follow Mick to Nashville. Raven and Dr. Stevie attack evil-ninja-style, so Kurt takes them down with clotheslines to each, followed by German Suplexes to each too. He clotheslines Dr. Stevie out of the ring. Dr. Stevie seems ready just to leave, but Abyss appears behind him and connects with a Black Hole Slam. Raven watches in dismay, and thus doesn't catch Kurt catching with the Angle Lock. That gets the tap.
WINNER: Kurt Angle in three minutes.
After the match, Desmond Wolfe sneaks up behind Kurt and takes him down with some sort of Key Lock Takedown.
Where We're Going: Maybe it's just me, but that last forty-five minutes felt really anti-climactic. We all knew the interview would be decent at best—why they decided to hype it so much I have no idea—and Wolfe-Angle wasn't really going to happen. Still, aside from four minutes of Knockout goodness, it doesn't feel like anything happened. The Wolfe attack at the end seemed almost perfunctory. I still don't care about Lashley-Steiner. If there were some way they could have rebooked the show so that the Nash Foley promo was on later that might have helped, since that segment was definitely the strongest of the show.
Star of the Night: Kevin Nash. There were no real jaw dropping performances tonight, but Nash's personality took an already good segment right over the top. Hamada and Desmond Wolfe had good nights as well, but I'm starting to get the feeling that Wolfe doesn't really have anything else.
Overall: Tonight's show started out promisingly enough. There were four or so good matches, though none of them got more than a few minutes. After that though…nothing. Nothing bad happened, but nothing good did either. I was moderately bored by the Wolfe attack, which is not good for TNA. I think this was the weakest outing in weeks. C
Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He wants to know what else people can come up with in the Three Stages of Hell mad-libs game (see the first couple of paragraphs). Submissions can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com
Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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