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KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 9, 2009
TAPED IN SHEFFIELD, ENGLAND
[Q1]
-Justin Roberts introduced U.K.-based boxer Ricky Hatton as the Raw guest host for the night. He walked out with some women. He told the fans he accepted WWE's invite in "a split second" to guest host Raw. He threw to a clip of Hatton beating Carlos Maussa in a boxing title fight. He said it's one of the finest memories of his career and he's here to make new memories. As he rambled uncharismatically, Chris Jericho and The Big Show interrupted. Show approached Hatton and towered over him. Hatton looked terrible physically, like he was carrying 20 pounds of beer belly under his oversized shirt. "I had a big English breakfast tonight, and it was bigger than you," Show said. He told him he's knocked people out, too, and said he better leave their ring before he makes a new memory they'll never forget.
"Why do you have to be like that," said Hatton. He said he's a big fan of his, including when he got "knocked out by one of them boxers" at WrestleMania. What, he can't say Floyd Mayweather by name? Show said Floyd's name, then said he's going to give him a free shot right in the chin. "After you tap me, I get to knock you out?" Show said. He called Hatton a "little man" and stuck his chin out in cartoonish fashion. Hatton said he's up for it, but he'd need a ladder. Show got on his knees. Jericho stepped in and said he's not going to let himself get embarrassed again by a boxer. Jericho said about himself that he's the best he's ever been and "single-handedly responsible for Smackdown winning at Bragging Rights." He said he beat Cena last week and he'll beat Undertaker at Survivor Series. Show took offense. "Listen, Napoleon, your ego is running way out of check," Show said. Show said he's walking out of Survivor Series as heavyweight champion.
Hatton interrupted and said he's guest host and he's making the decisions. He said he wants to see them face DX two-on-two. Jericho pulled out the Bob Backlund Thesaurus and began insulting the fans and Queen Elizabeth. Hatton said he didn't understand a word he said. "You're in England, speak our language," Hatton said. Jericho said he's an "immensely honest" person "filled with integrity." Hatton said he's a guy with a bad haircut and told him to geto ut of his face. As Show and jericho surrounded Hatton, DX came out. Lawler said, "Not a moment too soon." You could say that again. That whole segment was amateur hour.
Triple H asked Show and Jericho how many times they're going to interrupted the G.M.s and get humiliated week after week. He brought up Shaq and Bob Barker. Triple H said it seems Hatton was about ten seconds from knocking them out. DX thanked Hatton for the match he made. He said they'd take care of The Honey Monster and Mr. Bean tonight. Shawn Michaels then spoke up, saying he didn't want to wait until later. He then punched Jericho. Show smiled and took off his suit coat, but then stepped to the floor and walked away. Triple H said there is only one DX and only one Ricky Hatton. Hatton half-heartedly without any cadence said, "And if you're not down with that, we've got two words for you."
[Q2]
-Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler talked about what happened. Lawler said he wanted to see Hatton get involved. He said it'll be an interesting night. Really poor start to the show. [c]
1 -- KELLY KELLY (w/Gail Kim) vs. ALICIA FOX (w/Jillian Hall)
Cole said that next week on Raw at MSG, Melina will defend the Divas Title against Fox. They showed Melina watching backstage. Even the energy level of Cole and Lawler seemed 40 percent below normal. They awkwardly plugged "Hulk Hogan: Unreleased Collector's Series DVD" (apostrophe indicates it's only for one collector, apparently) coming out next week. Cole said Kelly wants to be a "broadcast journalist" after her days in the ring are over. Fox finished Kelly with a scissors kick.
WINNER: Fox in 2:00. Blah match.
[Q3]
-They showed a video package of WrestleMania tickets going on sale in Phoenix, Ariz. on Saturday morning. Lots of quotes from fans in line talking about what a blessing it is that WM came to Phoenix, how they will drop to their knees in the presence of such a spectacle, etc. They showed Hatton walking backstage with apparently his so who was happy to meet John Cena. Cena asked why he left him out of the show. Hatton said he has more important things to deal with. [c]
-They replayed Sheamus destroying Jamie Noble last week as Cole and Lawler commented on it. Lawler said Noble has been contemplating retirement after his match against Sheamus.
2 -- SHEAMUS vs. UNNAMED JOBBER
Cole said Sheamus will be part of Team MIz (Miz & Sheamus & Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison & Matt Hardy & Finlay & Shelton Benjamin & Evan Bourne). Before the match Sheamus said he's going to walk through this Englishman (jobber) in the ring and make him look like a fool. He beat him decisively.
WINNER: Sheamus in 2:00.
-Cole and Lawler plugged Randy Orton vs. Mark Henry and DX vs. Show & Jericho. [c]
-They showed Cole and Lawler at ringside bragging up awards that WWE.com earned for its event-specific websites. They plugged Hatton Health & Fitness in Hyde, U.K. Cole said it has over 100 pieces of exercise equipment. Does he actually use any of it?
-Backstage the Bella Twins flirted with Hatton who talked about is fitness center, boxing promoting, and other stuff. They said they heard he's good at darts. Santino Marella walked in dressed as "Ricky Fatton," his alter-ego. Santino said, "The British ladies love the fat guys with bad teeth." Chavo Guerrero walked in and said he's a pretty good dart player himself. Chavo threw a dart and hit the outer edge. Hatton stepped in and hit the bullseye. There was no cutaway, so that was pretty impressive if it was the first take. Chavo then challenged Santino. Santino insisted he was actually Ricky Fatton. Hatton suggested Chavo face him in a wrestler vs. boxer match. Chavo wanted to face Santino, not Ricky, so he protested. Santino said he'd be happy to be in his corner.
-Back to Cole and Lawler at ringside who talked about the Chavo vs. Hatton match.
-Backstage Josh Matthews interviewed The Miz. Tough Enough takes over Raw. Miz bragged about being the only Raw wrestler at Survivor Series to win a match. Swagger interrupted Miz's catch-phrase and finished it with, "and you're in awe of Jack Swagger." He said give weeks ago he said he'd be undefeated for the rest of 2009. Swagger told Miz to watch his match and learn something because afterward they'll want to make him team captain. Miz went into his "really" bit.
[Q4] [c]
3 -- EVAN BOURNE vs. JACK SWAGGER
At 3:00 Miz walked out with his U.S. Title belt over his shoulder and a mic in hand. HIs music played, disrupting Swagger's momentum. Swagger called for Miz to walk to the ring to watch him up close. Bourne kneed his way out of a suplex attempt and a kicked Swagger in the face. He followed with a top rope Air Bourne for the win, ending Swagger's five week winning streak. Cole actually said he's "not sure" if Miz walking to ringside had anything to do with it. Uh, yeah, it's exactly what led to the finish. Miz said he is team captain because "I am the Miz and I'm awesome." Cole said Miz better get on the same page as Swagger or else they'll be in trouble at Survivor Series. Lawler said Miz seemed happy about teammate Swagger losing.
WINNER: Bourne in 4:00.
STAR RATING: *
-Cole plugged upcoming matches. They showed MVP accompanying Mark Henry toward the entrance tunnel. [c]
-A commercial aired hyping William Regal challenging Christian on ECW on Tuesday night. [c]
-They aired a clip of Joey Logano and Kyle Busch talking about driving the Raw and Smackdown cars in an upcoming race. Then the showed Logano winning the NNS at Texas race. He said his "Smackdown vs. Raw Camry" was flawless for him. Lawler was at the race and said it was fantastic.
[Q5]
-Cole announced Kofi Kingston captaining a team with MVP, Christian, Mark Henry, and R-Truth against Randy Orton and his teammates, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, C.M. Punk, and William Regal.
-MVP Lounge: MVP introduced the segment. Henry asked to introduce their team captain. He said this man has been on a roll. They introduced Kofi together, and out walked Kofi to his music. MVP thanked him for selecting he and Henry to be on his team. Kofi said he couldn't have a Survivor Series team without them. MVP said Kofi impressed him with the statement he made about not getting pushed around by anyone when he smashed up Orton's car. They showed a clip of last week's six-man tag match ending with Henry pinning Rhodes. MVP proposed a toast to their team captain, Kofi. Orton, Rhodes, and DiBiase walked out. The Lounge bouncer/doorman let Legacy through the red ropes after a few seconds of contemplation and intimidation.
Orton said all three act like they're on top of the world, but in reality they're three low class street thugs. Orton said last week Henry stole a victory. He said MVP is "the definition of the common criminal." He said Kofi should be in jail after what he did to his car. He said he plans to embarrass them and their entire team at Survivor Series. Rhodes called MVP "Montel" and said he may look MVP with designer shoes and a "cute little watch," but his surroundings aren't world class. DiBiase made fun of their "pleather" couches and $50 champaign. Orton said he, Rhodes, and DiBiase were born into the business and that's where they belong, whereas Kofi, Henry, and MVP belong in the hood. The segment ended with a tense stand-off. [c]
[Q6]
4 -- RANDY ORTON (w/DiBiase, Rhodes) vs. MARK HENRY (w/Kingston, MVP)
Cole plugged that MVP vs. DiBiase was scheduled for WWE Superstars on Thursday night. Back and forth match with some early near falls. At 5:00 Henry blocked a sunset flip attempt by Orton, but Orton surprised Henry with an RKO for the win. Afterward Kofi checked on Henry. Orton grabbed him. Kofi knocked him out of the ring. DiBiase and Rhodes held Orton back from going after Kofi in the ring despite Kofi holding the ropes open for him.
WINNER: Orton in 5:00.
STAR RATING: *1/2 [c]
-Cole plugged that the debut of Raw's new opening theme by Nickelback, titled "Burn it to the Ground," will take place next week. Lawler commented on riding the Sheffield ferris wheel as they showed it in the background.
5 -- CHAVO GUERRERO vs. RICKY HATTON
Lawler talked about taking Leon Spinks down and defeating him years ago. He said no matter how hard a boxer punches, one a wrestler gets him to the mat, he's in trouble. When Hatton was introduced at slightly over 140 pounds, Lawler joked about him being 50 pounds over 140. Cole touted Hatton's career victory total of 45, 32 by knockout. Chavo bailed out after a flurry of early body punches. Chavo took over a minute later with a kick to the gut, but Hatton escaped suplex attempt and punched Chavo on the side of his head. Chavo went down fast. Chavo couldn't answer the ten count.
WINNER: Hatton in 2:00.
[Q7] [c]
WWE Fact: Despite the baseball playoffs and World Series, WWE.com still delivered more pageviews than MLB.com during the month of October.
-They again went to Lawler and Cole on camera. They hyped the announced line-up for Survivor Series.
-They went backstage to Cena lecturing Hornswoggle, telling him that DX will take him to court for stealing their gimmick and it'll cost him "thousands of dollars." MIchaels and Hunter walked in and asked him to tell them where Hornswoggle went. The tone was all tongue-in-cheek. Cena told them instead of worrying about leprechauns, maybe focus on their main event tag match later or the Survivor Series. Cena said he knows he's the odd-man out at Survivor Series. Cena said they're best pals and have probably Tweeted each other. Hunter said, "Just for the record, we have never Tweeted each other; not that there's anything wrong with that." Hunter said either he or Michaels will walk out with the WWE Title. Michaels said he knows Cena is playing the old shell game with the leprechaun. Cena called for Hornswoggle. In he walked wearing Cena merchandise. He said if you hang him on a hook, it just makes him more angry and assertive. Hornswoggle waved his hand in front of his face. Cena said they won't see either of them at Survivor Series. The whole tone was whimsical, but hardly a hard-sell that makes you "need" to see these three top Raw stars battle in a three-way for the prestigious WWE Title. When DX left, Hornswoggle stripped off his Cena gear and revealed DX merch. Cena said he's an idiot as Hornswoggle crotc chopped.
[Q8]
-They showed Jericho and Show heading toward the entrance tunnel. [c]
-Cole announced that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper will guest host Raw next week. Lawler channelled Taz and said "that'll be off the charts!"
6 -- THE BIG SHOW & CHRIS JERICHO vs. DX (Shawn Michaels & Triple H)
Cena made his ring intro first and joined Cole and Lawler on commentary. Then Jericho and Show came out. Cole plugged Undertaker vs. Jericho one-on-one for the first time ever on Smackdown on Friday. Cole asked Cena if he is using Hornswoggle to get into the heads of DX. Cena said he's just trying to help out the little guy and give him some direction. Cena got serious and said if Michaels is there to help Triple H, the odds are against him, but if the old Michaels shows up and looks out for himself, the one who ended Ric Flair's career, then he has a better chance in the match because it will be every man for himself. The match began 51 minutes into the second hour. Cena said all three of them have a lot of pride and want that title. He said he has no hard feelings with Triple H or Michaels, but they each want the belt. They cut to a break at 2:00 when Triple H knocked Jericho to the floor. [c] Jericho settled into offense against Triple H at 7:00. Show settled into a sitting bearhug at 9:00.
[Q9]
Cena's commentary was so low-key, it felt like he was talking in library. He did his best to try to bring some seriousness to the hype for the match, but didn't have much to work with. He had to keep repeating that he gets along with DX, but he hopes it's every man for himself. At 11:00 Michaels tagged in and went to work on Jericho. Michaels hit a flying top rope elbow. Jericho ducked a Sweet Chin Music attempt, then went for the Walls of Jericho. Michaels powered out. Show interfered, splashing Michaels into Jericho in the corner. Show swung at Michaels, but Michaels ducked and Show KO'd Jericho. Hunter then gave Show a lousy looking clothesline to send both of them tumbling over the top rope to the floor. It's one of those moves Triple H would make fun of someone else for doing so poorly if watching on a monitor in the back. Michaels scored the pin.
WINNERS: DX when Michaels pinned Jericho in 13:00.
STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Just there.
-Ring announcer Justin Roberts announced that DX would face Jericho & Show and Cena & Undertaker in a triple threat tag match next week on Raw.
FINAL THOUGHTS: One of the blandest editions of Raw in ages. Just felt like a filler week, uninspired throughout. The bright spot was Kingston continuing to look like a future leader and Sheamus's continued old-school push via dominant squash matches. Hatton was a dud as guest host. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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