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By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 2, 2009
LIVE ON USA NETWORK

[Q1]

-I don't play close attention every week, but the opening WWE montage with clips dating back to Bruno Sammartino and Pat Patterson now features John Morrison among the all-time contemporary stars such as Undertaker, Steve Austin, The Rock, Triple H, and John Cena. Hulk Hogan and Mick Foley are the two TNA talents still featured. Shane McMahon is still in the center screen flying through the air.

-They went to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne sitting mid-ring to start the show. Ozzy introduced the show in his signature style: "Welcome to Monday Night Raw. All aboard. Ha ha ha ha!" Sharon then threw to a cllip of Ozzy coming to the ring at WrestleMania 2. Also, a clip aired of his May 15, 2007 performance on Raw. Sharon asked if he remembers all that. He said he absolutely does not. The Miz's music then played and he jaunted his way to the ring. Michael Cole called it a rude interruption. Jerry Lawler wasn't surprised he was trying to steal Ozzy's thunder. "When this guy hears thunder, he takes a bow," Lawler said.

Miz did his "really?" bit. He told them he's a bigger star than their entire family combined. "Really, really little boy?" Sharon asked. Miz told them to pay close attention to what he was about to say. He said he was robbed last week in his fight against Lyoto Machida, I mean Evan Bourne. He said due to outside interference he lost by countout. He asked them to strike it from the record. "I want you to banish it, erase it, omit it," he said. Ozzy asked, "Who are you?" He said he is the current U.S. Champion, adding, " am The Miz and I am awesome." Then out walked Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase.

Rhodes and DiBiase entered the ring. Rhodes spoke first, telling Miz it's petty to complain about losing the match by countout. He said las week they bought Randy Orton a special gift. DiBiase objected, saying he paid for most of the car. Rhodes said Kofi Kingston vandalized personal property and they wanted a handicapped match against him. Miz told them to wait their turn because Ozzy and Sharon are going to deal with him first. Then Big Show's music played.

Show complained about being betrayed and assaulted by the entire Raw roster. He demanded an apology. Ozzy said, "I'm sorry." Show scratched his head and said he didn't want an apology from him. He said he wanted the entire Raw roster to walk out and apologize to him. He said if they don't, they'll each get punched. DX's music then played. Triple H and Shawn Michaels danced out with their glow sticks. Lawler said MIchaels is a huge Ozzy fan.

Triple H said (and I was thinking he'd say pretty much exactly this): "I'm sorry for the interruption, Ozzy, just 'um, before this got out of control with the four ratings killers destroying seg. one of the show, I thought I'd make the save." He said they share a lot in common. He then hawked Ozzy's book and their DX book. "Two subtle plugs," said Lawler. Miz said it's not time for his shameless plugs. He said it's time to get serious. Hunter said they're going to take care of business "Wizard of Oz" style. He whispered a suggestion to Ozzy. Ozzy then said, "He's going to fight Evan Brawn (sic) tonight... for the U.S. Title." Miz protested. Hunter joked, "Close enough." Michaels said he can't help DiBiase and Rhodes with WrestleMania tickets, "which incidentally go on sale on Saturday." He told them to get in line to buy tickets if they want to be there. Michaels whispered something to Sharon. She said, "Tonight it will be Kobe Kingston... facing his opponents... Randy Orton." I don't believe they're messing the names up on purpose, but maybe that's now a running gag. Show said he knows what Triple H and Michaels are up to. He suggested a Triple Threat match with John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Michaels. He then whispered something to Ozzy. Ozzy said, "Tonight there's a Triple Threat match... John Cena..." Hunter then whispered to Ozzy, and he said, "...versus Chris Jericho versus The Big Show." Show said that's not where he was going. Sharon said Ozzy's decisions are final. She said if they're not down with that, she's got two words for them." The crowd finished the phrase. Cole said this proves Sharon is a great promoter.

[Q2] [c]

1 -- THE MIZ vs. EVAN "BRAWN" BOURNE -- U.S. Title match

At 1:00 Bourne went on offense, sending Miz to ringside and then diving at him with two knees. He scored a two count back in the ring. Miz came back with a knee to the gut. Bourne came back at 4:00 by kneeing his way out of the middle of a suplex attempt. He then caught a charging Miz with boot and flipped onto the top rope. He went for his Air Bourne, but Miz moved and then hip tossed him into the corner. He followed with the Skull Crushing Finale for the clean win.

WINNER: Miz in 5:00.

STAR RATING: * -- Short, but good action. At some point Bourne should be utilized as something more than a showy jobber barely a notch above Scotty 2 Hotty. [c]

-Josh Matthews interviewed Sheamus, asking if he's trying to impress the guest host. He said Ozzy Osbourne's career should have been over years ago. He said tonight, when he's done with him, Jamie Noble's career will be over.

-They went to Cole and Lawler at ringside briefly, who threw to Sheamus's ring intro. They sounded like they feared for Noble's career.

2 -- SHEAMUS vs. JAMIE NOBLE

Lawler said Sheamus is a huge guy with a unique look. He wondered if his body has ever seen the son. He's fast-tracked because he's a work-out pal with Triple H, who sees potential in him, but they won't be bringing that up on TV anytime soon. After dominating for two minutes, Sheamus covered Noble, but then lifted his shoulders to continue the beating. Lawler went into "quiet serious talk" mode and said the ref should stop the match. The ref did call it off, but Sheamus continued to beat on Noble. He powerbombed him hard onto the mat at ringside. Lawler exclaimed, "You're on the floor! No!" Noble made nightmarish pain noises as officials checked on him. A desired "You suck!" chant broke out. As Sheamus walked to the back, Noble was put on a back brace with a neck brace on. Lawler said he can't help but feel sorry for Noble. Noble began convulsing as they cut to a break. This is a privileged position they've put Sheamus in. It'll be interesting to track the success level of Sheamus's mega-push on Raw compared to Desmond Wolfe's on TNA Impact as they both left the gate with a big shove at the same time. [c]

-They showed Cole and Lawler at ringside who narrated footage of the Kingston vs. Orton's Car angle last week. Backstage Matthews interviewed Kingston. He asked him if he had any regrets over his actions last week. Kingston said orton lost any chance he had of getting his WWE Title back after his loss at Bragging Rights, and like any bully, he wants to blame someone else. He said he destroyed Orton's car, but there's one thing he didn't touch, the part of a car Orton probably uses the most. He said now Orton can use that mirror to see who is responsible for him not being the WWE Champion. Kofi's promos are so much better now that he's dropped the accent. They're good on any standard because he seems serious, not gimmicky, and conveys his points believably.

[Q4] [c]

3A -- RANDY ORTON vs. KOFI KINGSTON

Orton had great body language and facial expressions in the opening seconds. He slapped Kofi. Kofi slapped back. Orton pummeled him in the corner. At 1:00 when Kofi made a comeback, Orton and Rhodes ran out to interfere. Kofi dove onto all three at ringside. They surrounded Kingston. Ozzy and Sharon interrupted on the big screen. Ozzy said he knew this was going to happen. Sharon said it'll now be a six-man match. Out came MVP and Mark Henry.

WINNER: No contest in 2:00. [c]

3B -- RANDY ORTON & CODY RHODES & TED DIBIASE vs. KOFI KINGSTON & MVP & MARK HENRY

Kingston showed good fire during a flurry against DiBiase. MVP hot-tagged in and they did their signature spots together in stereo on DiBiase leading to a two count for MVP. Henry tagged in and headbutted DiBiase. DiBiase and Rhodes double-teamed Henry, but he fended them off rather easily. He tagged MVP back in, but he caught a Rhodes boot to the face when he charged him in the corner. Rhodes tagged DiBiase in and took control.

[Q5]

Cole reset the stage at the top of the hour, touting Raw as the longest-running weekly episodic TV series in history. He also talked about the Osbournes. Lawler hyped the Triple Threat main event. Rhodes scored a near fall on MVP after a dropkick, then tagged Orton back in. Orton connected with is own standing dropkick for a two count. Cole said everything Orton does is malicious. MVP avoided a kneedrop. MVP nearly hot-tagged Kingston, but Orton broke that up. MVP came back against DiBiase and hot-agged Henry at 7:00. Rhodes also tagged in, but Henry demolished him. Henry splashed Rhodes in the corner, but when he lifted him for a bodyslam, Orton interfered. Kingston dropkicked Orton to block his RKO on Henry. Rhodes tried to surprise Henry with a leap of the second rope, but Henry caught him and powerslammed him for the pin. Kingston gloated from the ring toward Orton at ringside.

WINNERS: MVP & Henry & Kingston in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Kingston continues to show that "leadership quality" you want in a strong high-level babyface. This feud with Orton is really elevating him, and Kingston looking like he belongs on camera with him confirms so far at least it was a good choice to push him.

-Lawler plugged that "Raw's Got Talent" is up next. [c]

-Lawler stood in the ring and introduced Sharon and Ozzy who were sitting at a table in hte ring. He introduced it was "Raw's Got Talent." Lawler wore an Affliction-style t-shirt with a king logo. The Great Khali was introduced as the third judge followed by Ranjin Singh. We thought we'd never have to see Singh, my pick as the most obnoxious personality of the decade on Raw, again. Khali sat next to the Osbournes and mumbled something. Lawler said Khali said he has a crush on their daughter. Sharon said they've love to have him as their son-in-law.

Lawler introduced the first contestant - Santino Marella. Lawler said he would sing, "Bark at the Moon." Santino came out and said he won't sing that because "I am not a dog." He told Ozzy that they watch "Ozzy and Harriet" in Italy all the time. Santino pulled out a Batman doll and tried to bite his head of. Santino was dressed as Ozzy. He pretended to choke on the head. Sharon said, "Rubbish! Rubbish!" as Ozzy seemed to get a kick out of it. They zapped him and he left the stage.

Lawler announced that Chris Masters was up next to do a "performance art piece" to Ozzy's "Crazy Train." masters then made his pecs dance to Ozzy's song. Ozzy laughed and Sharon said she liked it. The camera, fortunately, stayed above Masters's waistline. Ozzy then shouted, "Buy that man a bra!" Sharon complained about Ozzy zapping him and said she loved it. Singh said Khali found it "oddly mesmerizing."

[Q6]

Lawler then introduced Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall. Hall said she's a huge fan. They sang a duet, but it was cut short as Sharon and Ozzy couldn't take any more. Jillian said, "You guys don't know talent." She accused them of being jealous and she rescinded her comment about being a fan. They walked to the ring to protest close up. She began singing Britney Spears within a few feet of Sharon's face. Sharon smacked her. Chavo told Ozzy to control his wife. He said he can't control her, but Chavo could try. She got in Sharon's face. The Great Khali stood up and chopped Chavo over the head. Chavo went down in a heap. Hornswoggle then ran out dressed up as their son Jack. That's pretty funny. He gave a tadpole splash to Chavo. He hugged Sharon and danced alongside Ozzy. Cole plugged the return of Ozzfest in 2010, "but it's like Ozzfest tonight!" He snuck in another plug for Ozzy's autobiography, saying he'll have to add this to it.

-They cut to the Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly backstage. The they showed Eve and Gail Kim walking together toward the entrance tunnel. [c]

-The announced next week's guest host would be pro boxer Ricky Hatton from Sheffield, England.

4 -- DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL - Winner Becomes No. 1 Contender for Divas Title

Contestants: Gail Kim, The Bella Twins, Eve, Alicia Fox, and Kelly Kelly. This was one of the smallest battle royals ever with just six contestants. They showed Melina watching backstage on a monitor. Gail was the first to be eliminated. Fox awkwardly celebrated with a dance.

WINNER: Alicia Fox in 2:00.

-Cole and Lawler were on camera again as they updated Noble's condition. They aired clips of the beating. Cole said Noble suffered "serious neck and back injuries." Then they shifted to a clip of DX posing with the Osbournes earlier and then the appearance of Jackswoggle. They hyped the triple threat main event.

[Q7] [c]

-WWE Fact: WWE won a coveted 2009 Beacon Award for the "Smackdown Your Vote" program. The Beacon Award is cable's highest award for communications excellence."

-Cole and Lawler then talked about the Rey Mysterio-Batista angle. Lawler said it's sad because they were once best of friends. They went to a clip from Smackdown. [c]

-Chris Jericho walked into Sharon and Ozzy being flirtatious with each other. Jericho said they were making a mockery of Raw by not respecting him and consulting with hi at all during the show. He said he's got all the talent because "I am the best in the world at what I do." He said when he was growing up, Ozzy was his hero. He said he memorized every word and had his posters on his wall. He recited some lyrics and said he wanted to be just like him. "I pandered and begged for the adulations and cheers of the fans, and then I realized I didn't have to pander to the fans," he said. He said he's better than the fans and even Ozzy. Sharon laughed. He said if they disrespected him again, that'd be the ultimate sin. Ozzy asked Sharon who that was.

-Michaels and Triple H told Hornswoggle that they need at least two weeks where he doesn't infringe on their personal intellectual property. He asked if he understands him. Hornswoggle said no. Michaels said he's in big trouble if he imitates DX again. In walked John Cena. He lifted him off the hook that DX had hung him from. Cena said his uncle hung a leprechaun from a hook once - only once. He said he is the reason they are fighting in a triple threat match later. Triple H said he's not sweating it too much considering he beat him two weeks ago. Michaels reminded Cena that he beat him in England once. Cena said he beat both of them before. He said, "I beat you. I beat you. We beat each other all the time!" The Bella Twins stared and then walked away, looking creeped out. Cena said, "That didn't come out right." Michaels said he knows for a fact that DX has a mathematical probability of walking out of Survivor Series with the WWE Title. Cena agreed the odds are against him, but anything can happen in a triple threat match including friends fighting each other. He said he doesn't even have to be pinned to lose. He told them to watch the triple threat tonight. He said at Survivor Series, he won't have two words for them, he'll have four words for them: "The Champ is Here!" Michaels threw a mock fit, saying he wants someone to get their own material and stop stealing their stuff. [c]

[Q8]

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. THE BIG SHOW vs. CHRIS JERICHO

DX came out first and sat at ringside to do commentary. Michaels said it's hard to do commentary. They joked about someone yelling in their ears all the time. Hunter said Cena shouldn't have gotten between them and Hornswoggle. Cena came out next, followed by Jericho and then Show. When Cole plugged the WM ticket sales launch, Michaels wanted to know why Cole could do that, but when he does it, everyone calls it a shameless plug. They cut to a break as the match was about to begin, with DX giving Cole a hard time for talking so much as they were getting a countdown to the break. [c]

[c]

The match was in progress as they came back from the break. Michaels did commentary, saying he was doing what's called a "reset." He screwed up the play-by-play on purpose. Michaels said it's hard, then mocked Cole by saying he should just say "vintage" a lot like Cole said. Jericho and Show double-teamed Cena early. Hunter went off on a tangent about how much it hurts when you have to pee but you just can't. Lawler cut him off and said that happens sometimes with Cole during PPVs. Michaels said he has a voice in his head saying it's great that Cena is getting beat up by two guys. At 4:00 Show broke up a pin attempt by Jericho on Cena. Lawler told DX that might be their future. Jericho slapped Show. Show shoved Jericho over the top rope by his throat. Cena made a comeback, but Show powered out of an FU attempt and landed on Cena. Show dragged Cena to the corner and set up a corner swing splash. Cena moved.

[Q9]

Cole reset the show for new viewers tuning in. Cena caught a charging Show with a boot and the knocked him to the floor. Cena then took on a returning Jericho with a series of moves including his You Can't See Me routine. As Cena lifted Jericho for an FU, he was too close to Show on the ring apron, so Show punched Cena in the skull. Jericho landed on Cena and scored the pin.

WINNER: Show in 7:00.

STAR RATING: * - A basic methodical two-on-one beating.

-Afterward, Show and Jericho set up a double-team hold on Cena. DX made the save. Show KO'd Michaels and head-butted Triple H. Jericho then gave Triple H a Code Breaker. Jericho and Show celebrated over all three fallen babyfaces. They replayed Show's punches and headbutts, then closed the show by showing Jericho and Show smiling on the stage.

QUOTEOOK

Jerry Lawler on Miz: "You ever notice how success goes to a man's mouth?"
Shawn Michaels: "I don't know how you guys do this. If I could say 'vintage' a lot, that would help."

Triple H: "Did anyone see Big Show this week. He was on that show, 'I'm Fatter than the Entire 5th Grade.'"

Jerry Lawler: "The Big Show told me it was in fifth grade when he realized he was different. (Not because he was bigger,) but because he was 18 at the time."

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