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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 10/29: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast

Oct 29, 2009 - 8:13:31 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

I working without the safety of a DVR tonight, so you can expect some mistakes and a bit less depth.


Where We've Been: Turning Point will feature AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Daniels in the main event. I sort of tuned out after that, till suddenly "Desmond Wolf", who last I heard was going to WWE, not only appeared on TNA but also skyrocketed to the top of the card by ambushing Kurt Angle. Also, there's something about Hogan debuting, which I'm trying to pretend is just a really bad dream.

The Show:

[Opening Credits]

They hype the Hogan announcement.

Desmond Wolf hits the ring to formally introduce himself. His name is Desmond Wolf. His friends can call him Wolf. We wankers can call him Mr. Wolf. He's not here to say that he's the next big thing, because he is the only thing. Since the day he was born, he's been training to be the best fighter in the world. He doesn't need a gold medal to prove how tough he is; besides, Angle didn't earn that medal anyway. We all know that he couldn't win it on points, so they just gave it to him out of pity—oh it's true. The crowd is chanting for Angle now. Angle might have a tough guy image, but Wolf knows that he's weak. He knows because of what he did last week. In one night only he became the biggest wrestler in the company. Angle's music hits. Tenay comments how Angle got where he was by hard work, and can't stand people who take shortcuts. Umm….okay. Angle says that he didn't know Wolf's name last week, but he does now. What he doesn't know is where he's from or who sent him (interesting phrase), but he doesn't care. What matters is that he's overstayed his welcome, and will be going home tonight. Last week Kurt commented on how much he admired the young talent like AJ Styles and Hernandez, because they've earned what they have the old fashioned way. If Wolf thinks he's going to come to TNA and cut to the top of the line on the back of Kurt Angle, he's going to end up with a foot up his ass. So Kurt wants to let Wolf in on a little secret—he pissed off the wrong guy. Tonight things will be a little different, since they're going to face each other in the ring in a street fight. It's real—it's damn real.

Lauren wants to know if AJ has any idea who ambushed him last week. AJ says that he has something to say to that person, whoever he is. Joe walks by, and says AJ should tell that person to his face. AJ asks if it was Joe, but Joe said it wasn't—Joe's more in your face than that. It was AJ's bald-headed friend Daniels. AJ doesn't buy it. Joe points out that Daniels has a reason to jealous. While AJ was feasting, Daniels was fired. While AJ was shooting to the top, Daniels was left behind. The first person to congratulate AJ after he won the title at No Surrender was Daniels, but he was also the only one to come out to soak up AJ's spotlight. AJ says that whatever Joe says about Daniels, he says about AJ. Joe just sort of rolls his eyes and suggests that maybe AJ is so mad at Joe he misses his friend stabbing him in the back.

[Commercial Break]

Backstage, Kong is destroying random furniture.

From footage earlier today, we see snippets of Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan destroying a random wrestling company (this one). Thankfully I'm pretty hopeful that he'll throw a tantrum and quit before doing too much harm.

(1) TARA vs. ALISSA FLASH

They lock up. Tara transitions to a standing Arm Bar, but Flash shoves her to the mat. The crowd is fairly split. Flash charges, but Tara dodges and locks in a Tarantula. She comes back in with her Slingshot Leg Drop for two. Flash gets up firing with some quick strikes, connecting with a clothesline to the chest for two. The announcers acknowledge that Impact was filmed before the Hogan announcement, which is weird, since if they admit that the commentary was added after the fact it makes it confusing whenever they act surprised. In the ring, Tara catches Flash when she goes to the top rope and nails a Superplex. Both women get to their feet, but Tara is a bit quicker and hits a Fire(wo)man's Carry for two. She hits some clothesline and a Snap Suplex for two. Flash ducks an attempted Short Armed Clothesline and connects with a Pump Handle Drop for two. She wrenches Tara's back and stomps her head to the mat. Tara gets up and connects with a Spinning Sidewalk Slam out of nowhere for the win.

WINNER: Tara. Taz described the match as "not pretty" but effective.

After the match, Kong comes back and Implant Busters Tara into the still lying prone Flash. She mouthes to the camera that he's back.

Team 3D are chilling in the locker room when Rhino comes in. He says that he's not here to thank them for saving him last week, but because he thinks they finally got the message last week. Hernandez was trying to end Rhino's career last week, because that's what TNA Management wants. Tonight he's fighting Matt Morgan—does anyone else see a pattern. Ray calls him crazy. He says that they weren't saving Rhino from Hernandez, they were saving Hernandez from Hernandez—if he had killed Rhino he would have been suspended, and he's the future of the company. Devon points out that the Guns, who they're wrestling tonight, have never beaten them, so he's not too worried. Rhino says that they should watch their backs, since "they're all in on it". I'm relieved to see them playing Rhino as crazy and not right about the young talent.

[Commercial Break]

Rachael would like me to point out that, in addition to being a washed-up company killer, Hogan was also mean to his wife.

(2) TEAM 3D vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS

The crowd is behind the Guns to start as the teams show each other respect. Since when are the Guns respectful? Devon takes Shelley down with a shoulder block to start. Shelley comes back with a spinning jump kick for two. Devon gets up charging; Shelley sidesteps, kicks Devon in the back, but then walks right into a Side Slam for two. Both men tag out. Ray wrenches Sabin's arm, than cinches in a wrist lock. Sabin flips out and starts kicking Ray's side. Ray catches a leg and catapults Sabin, but Sabin lands on the apron and comes back in with a Springboard Cross Body Block for two. Sabin comes off the ropes, and right into a huge Ura-Nage from Ray. Devon tags in and looks for a Gorilla Press, but Shelley comes in and clips his injured leg. Sabin tags out, and medics come check on him. A replay seems to show his head hitting the mat pretty hard on the Ura-Nage. Shelley works a leg lace on Devon, who tags out. Ray comes in, but Shelley catches him with a Superkick. He tags back out, and Shelley immediately goes to the Single Legged Crab. Devon pounds the mat, which the ref takes as a submission. Ray is not happy with that interpretation.

WINNERS: The Guns, by Montreal Screw Job.

Lauren is in the back with Steiner, who Lashley is demanding apologize to his (Lashley's) wife. Steiner does say that he's sorry—he's sorry that she doesn't know what it likes to be with a real man. He sees her checking out the biggest arms in the world in the back. Since Lashley cost Steiner his match last week, he'll be watching Lashley's carefully tonight. He promises Lashley a big surprise.

[Commercial Break—Desmond Wolf is getting ready in the back]

Amazing Red and Don West are being interviewed by…Hermie Sadler? Red explains that West could sell water to a well, and while he can take care of things in the ring, he wants someone to handle the business side. West says that he backs Red because he's everything that's right about this business, and a good role model for today's kids.

(3) ERIC YOUNG (c) vs. BOBBY LASHLEY
Legends' Championship Match

I'm confident that this match will end cleanly. Are they making Young wrestle Lashley to make him seem more like a legend? Young starts things off with a shoulder block and a right hand. He celebrates, but Lashley is unfazed. He squishes EY with a T-Bone for two, so Young rolls to the outside. Lashley follows him out and whacks his head into the guard rail and the apron, then rolls Young into the ring. Steiner pops up wearing a shirt with a sketch of Mrs. Lashley in a bikini, and he nails Lashley from behind. He goes to taunt Lashley's wife. Lashley makes the save, but when he comes back in EY tries to take advantage with a rollup. Lashley gets up firing and squishes Young. He locks in the Dragon Sleeper, but Steiner (slowly) comes into the ring to hit Lashley in the back with a chair. The ref's right there, so that draws the bell.

WINNER: No contest.

Steiner locks in the Steiner Recliner on Lashley for a bit, then he and Young celebrate their triumph. Where was Kevin Nash? Won't he be annoyed?

[Commercial Break]

The rest of the World Elite have joined EY in the ring. They have team jackets now. Neat. Brutus Magnus has an announcement to make—they've been suspended till Turning Point. TNA Management wasn't happy that he slugged a ref last week. Maybe we don't understand—it's called a "loophole". Beer Money only had one more chance, so all they had to do was escape with the titles. So TNA slapped them with a fine—big deal. And they have a suspension—they prefer to think of it as a vacation. Young takes the mic. He claims that he just handed Lashley his first defeat. It's time for his announcement—the Legend's Championship is dead. But Eric Young has his own title now—it's the TNA Global Championship, which will never be defended on US soil or against a US wrestler. I hope that's true (at least the first part)—they need fewer titles floating around here. Nash comes out. He thought they had a deal at Bound for Glory, yet he doesn't have his title or his $60,000. Bashir's giving him sixty-thousand Iranian dollars wasn't funny either—though he does note that Bashir has a $40,000 watch that could bring it a bit closer. What he really wants to know is whether this is really how Eric Young does business. EY says that it must be hard to Nash to be on the other side of this sort of screw, since he's been doing it for years. Young respects him for that, and in fact that's where he learned how to do it. So they can either forget about this issue, or Nash can come to the ring and try to do something about it. Before he can, Beer Money attack World Elite from behind. Homicide tries throwing furniture at them, but eventually World Elite flee.

Daniels approaches AJ about Joe's rumor-mongering. AJ says that it's water under the bridge. Daniels wants him to say that he didn't do it. AJ agrees that he doesn't think he did. Daniels isn't happy by that word "think", or the fact that a few words, from Joe of all people, could make AJ doubt his best friend. AJ points out that he didn't say anything about doubt. Daniels thinks that this bickering is exactly what Joe wants, so he storms off to confront Joe directly.

[Commercial Break]

(4) ODB & CHRISTY HEMME & HAMADA vs. THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

Sky attacks Christy, kicking her against the corner. She shoots Christy into the ropes, but lowers her head too earlier and gets her face driven into the mat. Christy tags in Hamada, but Sky slips away and makes the tag to Rayne. Hamada nails Rayne with an Ensuguri for two. She connects with a Body Slam, but when she goes to the top rope Von Erich distracts the ref while Sky shoves her off. Sky tags in and works over Hamada. A dropkick to a seated Hamada gets two. Lacey tags in, and she and Sky drive the back of Hamada's head into the turnbuckle. Rayne tags in. Thanks for playing, Lacey. Rayne goes for a bunch of covers. Sky tags in, but Hamada ducks below the double team and is able to get the tag to ODB. ODB pops Lacey off the apron, Fall Away Slams Sky, and Bronco Busters Rayne. She tags in Christy and goes to the outside to fend off Sky. Christy whiffs on an FFG. Rayne tags in Lacey, who hits what I think might go down as the world's stiffest Choke Slam for the win. I guess she's the new Rhaka Khan?

WINNERS: The Beautiful People.

Awesome Kong's music hits. ODB stands her ground in the ring, but she won't get the chance to meet Kong—Tara cuts Kong off. We have our TNA pull-apart brawl of the week. They should really get a corporate sponsor for that.

[Commercial Break]

Kong and Tara are still brawling in the back.

We recap…Mick Foley vs. Abyss? I wonder why.

Oh right, I'd repressed that the following match was happening. Dr. Stevie hits the ring first. Daffney was scheduled to be in the match, but Tenay claims that she's still not cleared to wrestle. Dr. Stevie says that if Abyss wants to be the monster, he can come to the ring and see the monster he's created in Dr. Stevie.

(5) ABYSS vs. DR. STEVIE

Dr. Stevie tries to ambush Abyss on his way to the ring, but Abyss is faster. He beats Dr Stevie down to the ring. Dr. Stevie comes back with some strikes, but Abyss no-sells them. He tosses Dr. Stevie from the ring, and follows him out to pound his head into the steel steps. Abyss goes to the outside, gets a trash can full of weapons, and tosses it onto Dr. Stevie in the ring. That's a good arm. He does it again with another can. He takes too long to get back though, so when he tries to charge, Dr. Stevie throws a chair into his head. Dr. Stevie follows up with a hockey stick to the knee. He then works over the leg. Abyss kicks him off, so Dr. Stevie goes for a Tornado DDT. Abyss throws him off. Dr. Stevie tries to connect with a Superkick, but Abyss catches his leg and hits him with the Shock Treatment for the win.

WINNER: Abyss.

After the match Dr. Stevie hits Abyss with a kendo stick and starts choking him with it. Foley's music hits. I guess he's a face this week. Foley signals that he wants the stick. Dr. Stevie, being a moron, gives it to him. Not surprisingly, Foley plasters Dr. Stevie with it. The crowd seems relieved to be able to cheer Foley again. Tenay points out that this just proves that Foley is "unpredictable", which is not quite the word I would have used.

[Commercial Break]

JB tries to get a comment from Mick Foley, but he's not giving one. What happened out there was between Foley and Abyss, and that's all the people need to know. He makes some weird laughing noise, which Tenay says is an allusion to some wrestler I've never seen.

(6) RHINO vs. MATT MORGAN

The crowd goes nuts for Morgan to start. Rhino hits a couple of quick punches, but runs right into a shoulder block. Morgan follows up with a throat thrust and his leap over neck-choke thing that I really hope he names soon. Rhino knocks him down as he comes back into the ring, and stomps him a couple of times on the outside. Morgan comes back into the ring, and Rhino chokes him against the ropes and does some stomping. The crowd tries to start dueling chants, but no one's willing to take the "let's go Rhino" part. Poor Rhino. He slams Morgan's head into the turnbuckle, but when he goes for a charge he only connects with Morgan's elbow. Morgan Splashes Rhino in the corner, lifts him up for a Hellevator, then decides that it's not time and just drops him. He goes for a Choke Slam, but Rhino fights out and connects with a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Rhino goes for a Gore, but only gets a Carbon Footprint instead.

WINNER: Matt Morgan.

Rhino pounces after the match, hitting another Belly-to-Belly Suplex. This time the ensuing Gore connects. He sets up for another one when Hernandez's music hits. Rhino flees, but grabs a mic on his way out. He tells Hernandez and Morgan that only the strong survive in TNA, and no one's going to take him out. Hernandez raises Morgan's hand in the ring.

Daniels confronts Joe in the back for twisting things around. Joe says that he didn't have to twist anything. Daniels claims that Joe knows he wouldn't attack AJ, but Joe doesn't think he knows that at all. What he does know is that when he suggested it could have been Daniels, AJ rolled his eyes. That tells him that the thought of Daniels being able to hurt AJ is a joke to him. So Daniels should think about that—his best friend doesn't even think they're in the same league. Daniels should think about that the next time AJ looks at him—or down on him, however it works. Joe walks away, so Daniels beats up a piece of furniture. This is a really good day for TNA's decorator.

[Commercial Break]

Homicide finds Don West…somewhere?...and wants to know why West is ducking him. He beat Red last week, and wants his title shot. He grabs West's collar, and West agrees to a match at Turning Point. Once he's there, Homicide takes his wallet, and leaves with West's money and driver's license.

JB is with Kurt Angle. Kurt says that Wolf tried to take a shortcut, and, nine times out of ten, when you take a shortcut you end up at a dead end. JB wants to know if Desmond's attack last week seems a little random. Angle's not sure what he means. JB suggests that maybe someone is using Wolf to get rid of Angle, but Kurt thinks that JB is starting to sound as crazy as Rhino.

Lauren is in the back, where once again someone has left AJ laying, apparently with an ambush.

[Commercial Break]

We see an ambulance pull away, sirens blaring. We're told they're taking him to the hospital for observation. I don't think they'd turn on the sirens for that.

(7) KURT ANGLE vs. DESMOND WOLF
Street Fight?


Kurt attacks right at the bell, nailing Wolf with forearms and European Uppercuts. He beats him from ring post to ring post. He Stomps a Mudhole and Walks it Dry. He looks for a German Suplex, but Wolf grabs the ropes and creates some separation with a back elbow. Wolf connects with a European Uppercut of his own and another back elbow. Angle fires back and clotheslines Wolf out of the ring. He follows him out and slams Wolf's head into the steps, then the guard rail. Is it just me or are they doing that a lot this week? Wolf connects with another sudden back elbow and rams Angle into the rail. He rolls Kurt back into the ring and hits a couple of forearms to the throat. Wolf slaps Kurt in the face, which might not have been wise. Kurt comes back firing, but Wolf wrenches his arm so hard that Kurt drops to the mat. Wolf bounces off the ropes and goes for some big clothesline, but Angle ducks and connects with the trio of Germans. Angle drops the straps, but takes too long doing it. He turns around into the big lariat. The ref is thinking of calling the match, since Kurt isn't moving. Wolf again points out that he could end Kurt's career right now, then we fade out. Huh? So did he win the match? There was never a bell.

On a side-note, we're told that Sabin is fine.

[Commercial Break]

Angle is being stretchered out.

We cut to the press conference about Hogan from MSG. Bischoff introduces him. The first thing he has to do, before revealing his plans to come back into the ring (crap), is to introduce us to his new partner, Dixie Carter. The head of Spike TV says how happy they are to be part of Hulkamania—so that's how TNA can afford Hogan. Hogan says that when he saw how TNA made their stand, he knew that this would be the future of wrestling. He says that his goal is to make TNA the #1 company in this business. He adds that TNA has so much going for them that they just need a little push to get their momentum going. Last time he made a big move it brought people's attention to a smaller company that was putting out a product, and they rocketed to the top.

Where We're Going: Into an abyss. Things were starting to look so promising—AJ is still champ! Daniels and Joe are in a main event! Desmond Wolf will take on Kurt Angle! Booker T is leaving, and the young wrestlers are finally getting their due! Then we get to this week, where the commentary was all Hogan, all the time. I think Hogan could be of some value to the company, but right after the MEM vanished is the single worst time to bring him in. I guess it's always possible that with an expensive divorce still in the works he's willing to swallow his proud and just be a good worker for the company. If that is the case, he will be a huge asset, particularly in giving the rub to younger wrestlers. I'll pause now for the hysterical laughter.

Star of the Night: Samoa Joe--more precisely, whoever realized that he could cut a perfectly decent promo without just shouting for ten minutes.

Overall: I should have known better. This week's show actually had a lot of good stuff—most notably the return of the crazy Kong, some amazing promo work by Kurt Angle and some surprisingly reasonable work by Joe. None of that could overcome the incessant harping on the Hogan signing. More "fun" with Abyss-Foley-Dr. Stevie and Lashley-Steiner did not help matters. Finally, while I have no objection in principle to short matches, if they are all short, they had best be exciting—these were not. C-

Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. Whoever comes up with the funniest corporate sponsor for TNA's weekly pull-apart brawl will get a shout out next week. Submissions and other comments can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com



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