By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
SEPTEMBER 18, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA

WHAT HAPPENED

[Q1]

-A video package aired on Homicide turning on Hernandez. Then they went backstage to show Mick Foley arriving at the arena with his two youngest sons. Then they showed Kevin Nash arriving separately.

-After the TNA Impact opening aired, the camera panned the arena and Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin actually introduced the show from ringside. The streak of Mike Tenay introducing every episode of Impact is over. Shelley thanked Taz. Taz laughed. Mike Tenay got upset and said, "FTW? This is more like WTF?"

1 -- ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY vs. TARA & CHRISTY HEMME

Tara tagged in Christy at 3:00 and she hit the top rope split legdrop. Madison Rayne walked to the ring with a paper bag. Sky yelled at her and dared her to spray her. Rayne sprayed at Sky, but Sky ducked and it almost hit Hemme in the face. She sold it like it blinded her. Sky then rolled up Christy for the win. After the match Rayne revealed a paper bag that said "I'm sorry" on it. Sky and Love seemed to be accept the apology and began petting her like a puppy that returned home.

WINNERS: Love & Sky in 4:00.

-Lauren interviewed Angelo Dinero backstage regarding a match later with Suicide. He referred to himself in the third person as The Pope. He vowed to lay his hands on Lauren later.

[Q2] [c]

2 -- SUICIDE vs. "THE POPE" ANGELO DINERO

Tenay and Taz threw to Shelley and Sabin who talked about The Pope's DVD collection. They made fun of him for having "Twilight" in his collection. Tenay asserted his pop culture qualifications by saying he's more of a "True Blood" guy than "Twilight." Dinero won clean after Suicide missed his top rope splash. Not sure what they meant they meant to do there, but Suicide seemed to adjust in mid-air for Dinero to lift his knees even before Dinero made an attempt. Dinero then pinned Suicide after his finisher.

WINNER: Dinero in 3:00.

-Tenay and West hyped the rest of the scheduled matches. [c]

-Lauren was about to interview the World Elite. Eric Young insisted Kiyoshi interview them. Young provided a rationalization for Homicide turning on Hernandez. He said Hernandez was selfish in breaking out of the LAX team and Homicide had to stand up to him. Young said tonight Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir later two-on-one. Young said on Sunday he faces Hernandez one-on-one. He then said Hernandez is his own brother and he will never raise a hand to his brother. Homicide then took the mic and said Hernandez changed. He said he's not his brother or familia. His new family is the World Elite. He vowed to destroy him.

[Q3]

-A vignette aired on Rhino. Then he stood center-ring and said he isn't one to play politics or wrestle for ego. He said because of that he's watched people move ahead of him and he never said anything. He said TNA decided to exploit his personal demons including his penchant for drinking and blacking out. He then said he liked the story of Jesse Neal so he decided to train him. He said he stood by Neal and trained him, but he humiliated him, so he in turn had to kick his ass. He then addressed Bobby Lashley, calling him sarcastically "the savior, the great one." Rhino said Lashley may be undefeated, but this is TNA, not MMA, and he can use a chair and leave him bleeding in the ring. Rhino referenced Dixie Carter sitting next to Lashley. He asked Dixie when the last time was she sat next to him. Rhino said, "Hey, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Dixie. My name is the War Machine Rhino, so get that straight, toots." That may have been Rhino's best promo. He was very believable as a nasty, miserable heel.

Devon walked out and said Rhino doesn't sound like a man who is angry, he sounds like a "crying little bitch." Bitch was bleeped. He said "Bubba" wanted to come out there and take his head off after what he did to Neal, but he talked him down. Devon said they saw potential in Rhino back in ECW and they took him under their wing. He said when Rhino messed up, they didn't beat him up. He suggested they put their problems behind them and work together to make TNA the best pro wrestling company. Rhino attacked Devon. Brother Ray made the save. Referees pulled them apart. [c]

3 -- HERNANDEZ vs. SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR & KIYOSHI

The heel duo got a brief advantage at 2:00, but Kiyoshi missed a top rope dive, and then Hernandez tossed Bashir off the to rope and shoulder blocked him out of the ring. Hernandez gave Kiyoshi a Border Toss for the win.

WINNER: Hernandez in 3:00.

-Afterward, Homicide attacked Hernandez. Homicide placed Hernandez's briefcase over his throat and then Young bashed the case with a chair. It looked devastating. They showed Hernandez coughing up some kind of foam.

[Q4] [c]

-Lauren interviewed ODB. Lauren said the Knockouts built the division on "dignity, grace hard work, and respect." She said a man taking the Knockouts Title might ruin all they've worked hard for. First, why can a man wrestle in the women's division? Second, why would a man winning necessarily ruin the "dignity, grace, hard work, and respect" of the division? And third, given all of the cheating - including by Madison Rayne earlier - how can Lauren content that the division was build on "dignity, grace, hard work, and respect," especially in front of ODB whose character is built on anything but dignity and grace? It's things like that which make you just wonder what TNA thinks when they script this drivel because viewers see through it, too. It makes no sense on four levels. Anyway, ODB said she would never let a man like Cody Deaner make a mockery of the division.

4 -- "FUTURE LEGEND" ALISSA FLASH vs. CODY DEANER

Deaner yelled at Christy and Tara at ringside. Flash shoved him over the top rope. All of the Knockouts attacked him. Shelley and Sabin did commentary, saying the Knockouts are jealous of his style and are "player haters." After a suplex on the ramp, the women rolled him into the ring where Flash scored the pin.

WINNER: Flash in 2:00.

-Afterward, the Knockouts, who had united against Deaner, began fighting each other, including Tara vs. Kong. As Deaner walked backward up the stage, ODB was waiting to surprise him with a shot to the face with her flask. [c]

-Lauren interviewed Nash sitting on a couch backstage. Nash was sipping wine. She said the Internet is going crazy with the open casting of the Big Sexy World Tour he announced. Lauren asked if he's losing focus on his Foley match by having his casting call going on at the same time. A woman walked in and handed him a catalog of pictures of women. Lauren said it's ridiculous and he should have his priorities in line. Nash turned his attention back to Lauren for a few seconds, but then another women brought him more pictures. Lauren did agree they were nice pictures. Nash called her a freak. Lauren called him a narcissistic pig for grading these women 1-10 and parading them around. Nash told Lauren to relax. He handed her a glass of wine. She sipped it and said it's really good. He put his hand on her leg and said she could jump to the front of the line. He shifted his arm to her back and continues to hit on her. A gigantic women walked into the room with her boobs falling out of her top. After she sat on his lap, Nash said, "Any man can be with a 10, but a true swordsman can fence with a girl like this."

[Q5]

-Jeremy Borash approached Foley backstage. He said it's obvious Nash is more concerned with his search for a new valet than the match against him later. Foley said Nash likes size 16 and he had 16 stitches last time they wrestled. Foley said Nash gave him the will and desire and a flash back to what he used to be. He said he will regain the TNA Legends Title tonight and nothing can stop him. He said they may see the resurgence of an old friend who used to say, "Have a nice day!"

5 -- KEVIN NASH vs. MICK FOLEY -- Legends Title match

Nash took control early with his corner barrage of knees and elbows. Foley came back at 1:00 with a flurry of punches and running knee in the corner. He pulled out a sock early, but Nash threw Foley to the floor. Nash then threw Foley into the guard rail and then the stairs. Nash was choking Foley against the second rope in the ring when Abyss's music played. Nash and Foley stopped in their tracks. Abyss brought a barbed wire baseball bat to the ring. Nash bailed out. So Cal Val, making a cartoon pouty face, handed Nash the Legend's Title belt at ringside.

WINNER: Nash via DQ in 3:00 to retain the Legend's Title.

-Tenay wondered what would cause Abyss to interfere. Abyss and Foley met in the ring. Foley rolled out of the ring and told Abyss he cost him a match and he's not happy about it.

-Lauren interviewed Team 3D and Beer Money backstage. Ray said it's a very important match. He said both teams have been setting the standard for modern tag team wrestling. He said they've "kicked the crap out of each other." He said the advantage in that cage is at stake and they want it. Ray said Devon always has his back, so he said he expects Robert Roode to have his back in the same way. Ray asked Roode what he has to say about that. Roode said in an understated manner, "Testify." Nice promo and good finish. [c]

-Lauren interviewed Abyss backstage. He was hysterical because of how Foley looked at him. He said he was just trying to protect Foley because who knows what Nash would have done to him. Abyss asked, "Do you think he's mad at me?" He began pulling his hair out. This Abyss character, by the way, is a legit caricature of what Chris Parks is like behind the scenes.

[Q6]

6 -- BROTHER RAY & ROBERT ROODE vs. BRUTUS MAGNUS & SCOTT STEINER

Taz said he saw Scott Steiner do a T-Bone style suplex and he emulated him, tweaking it a bit. Doug Williams hit Roode with the IWGP Tag Title belt as Rob Terry distracted the referee.

WINNERS: Magnus & Steiner in 5:00 to earn the numbers advantage at Lethal Lockdown.

STAR RATING: * -- The first match of the show long enough to rate, and barely. [c]

-A video clip played of Lashley at his gym after a workout. Someone asked Lashley what will happen at Lethal Lockdown on Sunday against Rhino. "I'm gonna knock his ass out," he said. That was short and to the point. It's about the best (and only) way to use Lashley effectively in his current babyface role.

7 -- AWESOME KONG & RYESHA SAEED vs. TAYLOR WILDE & SARINA

At 3:00 four-way action broke out. Kong knocked Sarina to the floor as Wilde battled Saeed in the ring, finishing her with a German suplex into a bridge.

WINNERS: Sarina & Wilde in 3:00.

-Lauren interviewed Wilde & Sarina at ringside after their win. [c]

-Tenay and West briefly hyped upcoming dates.

-Borash interviewed Kurt Angle backstage. Angle said to be the best, you have to beat the top guy. He said A.J. Styles, Matt Morgan, and Sting will be trying to do that on Sunday. He said he gives it his all every time he enters the ring and has more pride than the other three. Basically a babyface interview. Tenay said those were "strong words."

-Tenay and Taz hyped the Lethal Lockdown line-up.

-Lauren interviewed Styles and Sting backstage. She asked what will happen when teacher and mentor are in the ring at the same time battling for the title. Sting said he wants to be the best now just as he did 20 years ago. Sting said while he's taught Styles a lot, he's not going to insult him by not giving it his all against him on Sunday. Styles said he was ready to walk away from something he loved the most, but Sting talked him out of it. Styles said they both have the will to be the best and on Sunday, he feels it's his time.

[Q8] [c]

8 -- MATT MORGAN vs. SAMOA JOE

Angle joined Taz and Angle on commentary. My, how Samoa Joe's career has gone into a tailspin. He's basically positioned as an enhancement talent against Morgan here with very little hype for this match going into it and no promo time or attention given to Joe beforehand. At 4:00 the action spilled to the floor. Joe threw Morgan into the announce table where he bumped into Angle. Angle snapped and jumped out of his chair and attacked Morgan. Daniels, meanwhile, jumped Joe. They brawled up the ramp as security separated Morgan and Angle. Tenay told fans to stay tuned. [c]

-After the late commercial break, security was stil working to separate Angle and Morgan. Angle broke free and went after Morgan again. They brawled onto the ramp where security tried to pry them apart again. Angle kicked Morgan between the legs and then suplexed him through a table at ringside. Morgan sold it as Angle stood over him and trash talked.

QUOTEBOOK

Alex Shelley during the opening: "My name is Alex Shelley, this is Chris Sabin, we don't have catheters in."

Taz after Velvet Sky entered the ring and rubbed her crotch on the middle rope: "Sometimes it pays to be the bottom rope... Or middle rope. Or just a rope!"

Rhino: "What I mean by personal demons is, yeah, I like to have a couple of drinks and black out every once in a while."

Taz: "British People have pasty skin."

Taz: "You know what they say about chicks with big feet? They don't say anything about it."

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