By James Caldwell, Torch assistant editor

WWE Raw Live Report
July 13, 2009
Live from Orlando, Fla.

Seth Green-Triple H opener: WWE already featuring the late 1990s material with a cheap knock off from the MTV Celebrity Death match series featuring Triple H and Dakota Fanning from Seth's new show. Pretty rough. Randy Orton interrupted Seth Green and Triple H's fun fest to remind Triple H that he's the WWE champion. Orton right in Seth's face that he probably showed up so someone might think he's a real man. Juxtaposition is a wonderful thing, as Hunter and Orton look gigantic standing next to Seth. Seth then booked tonight's main event of Orton & Legacy vs. Hunter & John Cena ... and Seth. Hunter was a little nervous about that. Orton didn't seem to care and he walked off. [CB]

(1) Six-divas bikini tag match: Wait a second, isn't this a PG show? Since when was bikini wrestling approved for kids age 5-10? I hope Bonnie Hammer is sitting by on the phone calling camera shots. Mickie had the pin on Maryse, but all six divas entered the fracas to create movement. Maryse shoved Mickie into a towel of sorts before finishing her off with the hair flip DDT for the pin and the win. Maryse vs. Mickie for the Divas Title at Night of Champions. (n/a)

Jericho and Seth: Chris Jericho looks down on people named Seth Green. Jericho reminded Seth he's the top star in this company. Jericho channeled Vince McMahon: "The people don't know what they want unless I tell them what they want." Seth suggested Jericho leave. Take off. Get out of the building. Jericho said he has an agenda and he's not leaving. He's going to promote it tonight. [CB]

Carlito promo: Primo cut a promo in Spanish before calling out brother Carlito right now for a fight. Whoops, that's The Miz. Miz strolled out on stage and said Carlito has something more important. Carlito out. Miz in. Maryse is watching, so he's going to leave Primo laying in the ring because he's The Miz and He's Awesome.

(2) Primo vs. The Miz: Slow start, then Carlito showed up in street clothes with his music playing. Crowd cheered him coming out. They weren't paying attention last week. Primo tried to swat at Carlito, but Miz grabbed him from behind for a front-face Russian leg sweep for the pin and the win. Miz picks up a win. Too bad it didn't mean much. Too bad he dropped like a stone to a mid-card after-thought after the Cena program. After the match, Carlito kicked his brother, then spit apple on him. Officially back to the heel Carlito. (1/2*)

Edge update: Announcers talked about Edge's torn Achilles tendon. Lawler said the big question is what happens to the Unified tag titles. He suggested a tournament. We already booked a tournament with Hart Dynasty picking up the win over Legacy. We'll see how the tag title situation plays out in WWE land. [CB]

Seth backstage: Seth was "talking" to Hornswoggle, then Big Show barged in. Show was already sweating. He suggested Seth watch his match tonight to see how someone his size fares in a WWE ring. But, it will cost him... $1.0 million dollars. Cue up the Dr. Evil gestures. Seth mock laughed at the old, dated, stale joke. Lame.

(3) Jack Swagger vs. MVP: They're already giving away this match? Swagger in new red and blue trunks like he's Kurt Angle. Not feeling the wardrobe change. MVP slapped Swagger early on, causing Swagger to bail to the outside and complain to the announcers. [CB] Back from break, Swagger was in control, then MVP came back with the Ballin' elbow drop. Cole tried to sound enthusiastic for a pin attempt that Swagger kicked out of. Swagger then sling shot MVP across the top rope leading to the gutwrench powerbomb for the pin and the win. Average singles match that I still can't believe WWE just gave away on free TV without hype. Swagger looked good taking the victory, though. (*) [CB]

Announcers: Cole and Lawler re-visited Edge's injury. They did voice-overs while WWE aired still shots of Edge's surgery procedure. Non-PG-friendly look inside Edge's torn up ankle. Lawler said they hope Edge will be able to come back and wrestle again.

Jericho promo: Jericho stood center ring with a folder in-hand. For the first time ever, the WWE tag titles are held by one man and that one man happens to be the best in the world. He equated Edge to Achilles in Greek mythology and said he never should have chosen a wrestler so injury-prone and frail like Edge. Babyface turn coming for Edge when he returns. Jericho railed on Edge for a while before talking about the future of the titles. He said there won't be a tournament. He won't drop the titles. He won't relinquish anything.

Jericho pulled out the fairy tale contract for Night of Champions against Legacy which allows him to choose a new partner if Edge would be injured. Jericho said he's picking a new partner who is worthy of standing next to him. Cue up Mark Henry's theme music. He put a big ol' arm around Jericho and casually said he didn't come out here to be his partner. Rather, his opponent. Henry clotheslined the crap out of Jericho before ripping away the expensive suit. Only thing left was the tie. Looked like a bad bachelor party gone wrong. Jericho teased getting into the ring to face Henry several times, then he finally stepped into the ring to face Henry.

(4) Mark Henry vs. Chris Jericho: Lawler said Seth Green has made this an official match-up. Thanks. Henry smashed Jericho several times before brick-walling Jericho to floor. Jericho decided he had enough and he high-tailed it up the entrance ramp to take a quick count-out. Henry wins and has a good laugh about it all. He then did the high school spirit routine of raising his arm for a cheer, then lowering his arm for silence. Not quite cupping the ear, but a fine, new development for Henry. (n/a) [CB]

(5) Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero: Doing the Superstars main event again. This time, Chavo must have one hand tied behind his back. Definitely not the Austin-McMahon ratings blockbuster during the Monday Night Wars. Lawler cued up the next Austin Powers reference with a note on Seth Green hanging out with Mini Me, which is why he booked the match. Hornswoggle channeled Rikishi for a Stink Face, but Chavo kicked him in the face. Chavo was going for the Three Amigos, but Hornswoggle countered with a small package. Chavo couldn't kick out due to the arm tied gimmick, so Hornswoggle scored the pin. Gimmick match for the kids and not much else but continued embarrassment of the Guerrero family. (n/a)

Orton-DiBiase backstage: Randy Orton took Ted DiBiase, Jr. back to last week when he slapped his old man right across the face. DiBiase talked down about his dad, then Cody stepped in. Cody said his pops, Dusty Rhodes, might be the guest host next week. Cody said unlike some people, he has a great relationship with his old man. DiBiase took offense to that, but Orton stepped in to settle his boys down. Orton told them not to touch Seth Green. He has a personal method in mind. The Punt? [CB]

(6) Evan Bourne vs. Big Show: U.S. champ Kofi Kingston came out and was forced to re-watch Big Show smashing him and Evan Bourne last week. Kofi still feeling that pain, mon. Evan Bourne came out and the women loved him. Seth liked what he saw while taping up backstage. Big Show was ready to eat, though. New ref in there. Kofi vs. Show on Superstars this week. Bourne got tired of taking a beating, so he tried a top rope dropkick. Show wobbled, but then speared the crap out of Bourne, who landed on his neck. Show then put him in the Camel Clutch and Tie-Dye guy called for the bell. Show didn't break the hold after the victory, so Kofi hit the ring and smashed Show to the floor. Show just smiled and laughed at Kofi, who challenged him to come get some. Another ref hit the ring to check on Bourne, who sold a neck injury from the spear. (n/a)

Backstage: Triple H and John Cena tried to talk up Seth Green and give him a confidence boost before the six-man tag. Seth took a shot from his inhaler and John Deere sold a little bit of concern over Seth. Hunter and Cena took veiled shots at each other, then they left Seth there to remain just as concerned.

Announcers: Dusty Rhodes won't be hosting Raw next week. Instead, it will be ZZ Top. Well, they are on the road with Aerosmith right now and Aerosmith is providing the Summerslam theme. Cole faked so much enthusiasm that I think he forced himself to wet his pants. [CB]

(7) WWE champion Randy Orton & Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase, Jr. vs. John Cena & Triple H & Seth Green: Cena was in there and the fans chanted for Seth. Seth took a tag and slowly slipped into the ring and measured Cody for a right hand blow. Cody was not happy, so Seth bailed to the floor for a cat and mouse game. Seth wisely tagged out to Cena after that exchange and Cena took control, but DiBiase distracted the ref allowing Orton to sneak-attack Cena. After an extended beat down, Cena went to Hunter for a hot tag. High knee. "Vintage Triple H," said Cole. Crowd exploded as Hunter went through his routine until Legacy jumped him. All heck broke loose. Seth chilling on the apron. Orton suddenly nailed Hunter out of nowhere with an RKO.

Seth then broke up the pin to a huge crowd reaction. Orton was not happy with that. Orton stalked Seth for a kill, then he kicked him in the gut. Orton lined up Seth for The Punt, but Cena speared Orton out of nowhere. Legacy tackled Cena. Cody then bought a chair into the ring, but Hunter had a sledgehammer. Hunter cleared out Legacy, then almost accidentally blasted Cena, but Cena moved just in time. Hunter then dropped the hammer to the mat and they had a stand-off. Crowd hot with a "Seth" chant. Hunter and Cena then raised Seth's hand in victory. (Match ended in a DQ when Cody brought a chair into the ring.) Hunter raised Seth on his shoulders. Uh-oh. Thumbs up / thumbs down? Wait, can't have that when Batista is injured for the tenth time. End show with Hunter, Seth, and Cena celebrating in the ring. Very hot main event that salvaged this otherwise direction-less, pointless-at-times, frustrating show. (**1/2)

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