By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
APRIL 9, 2009
ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-A video package aired with Samoa Joe saying he's there to torture the Main Event Mafia and something about cages and reprehensible actions inside the six-sided ring. The title of the show is: "Who's calling the shots?" Then the Impact opening aired.

-Mike Tenay hyped Samoa Joe vs. Booker T, another match in the series to determine who'd get the advantage at Lockdown.

-Kurt Angle led the Main Event Mafia to the ring. Sting said he had something to say to Jeff Jarrett and he wanted to talk to him face-to-face in front of everyone. Jeff Jarrett walked out to his music and said he had business to tend to backstage in his office and he knew it. Sting said his business is going to have to wait because he wants to know why he booked him against Samoa Joe last week. He wanted to know whether he or Mick Foley is running the company. Jarrett said it's all one big misunderstanding. Sting said there is no misunderstanding, he sees things clear as day. He said Foley pulled rank on him at his expense and he wants to know what he's going to do about it. Jarrett said, "Or what?" He said he's knee-deep in b.s. around here and the last thing he needs is for him to get up in his face.

As Jarrett began to leave the ring, Sting said if Foley is running the company, he should make it public to him, "the boys," and the fans. Jarrett said he's the one calling the shots. Sting said if that's indeed the case, then he's just the man he wants to talk to. They showed Angle smiling off to the side. Sting said it's only fair for Jarrett to book Foley in a match since he had to wrestle one himself last week. He said if Jarrett's in charge, that shouldn't be an issue. Jarrett asked Sting what gives him the right to question his authority. "I've been doing this for 23 years, Jeff, and I'm still standing. I am the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, and I'm still standing. I've got a little bit of stroke around here and I'm gonna use it for the first time. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you to book the match with Mick Foley tonight."

Scott Steiner stepped up and told Sting to back down. He told Jeff that's what he was telling him last week. "You are losing control, man," he said. "You've got Mick Foley running rampant around here right under your nose making matches that don't make any sense." He said he's losing control and he's put the entire company in the hands of A.J. Styles and Samoa Joe at Lockdown against them. He said there's an easier road to go down. Jarrett said he's already told him "that's not even an option." Steiner said instead he's risking throwing everything away, all the blood, sweat, and tears. He said they need to have a private talk in the back.

The Motor City Machine Guns music played and they walked out onto the stage wearing their New Japan Junior Tag Team Title belts. Tenay questioned what business this was of theirs. When Don West responded to Tenay accusing Steiner of trying to brainwash Sting, Tenay said, "Did I stutter?" Seriously, this bickering between Tenay and West is so annoying, and the "Did I stutter?" line hasn't been uttered by anyone in years because it's so unbelievably lame and annoying after being overused (and misused) for years. We're talking "The Breakfast Club" being in theaters last time that was fresh. They entered the ring. Alex Shelley said they were in back playing "Resident Evil 5" and "Street Fighter 4" (West should have said, "Those are videogames, Tenay.") He said they couldn't help but hear Sting and their hearts go out to them. He said it was unfair that he had to fight Joe last week, "but I suppose that's what happens when Mick Foley is the boss around here." Shelley said the Guns aren't just the most attractive tag team in TNA, they're a tag team for hire tonight. He said Thanksgiving Eve 2008 was one of the worst days of his life because he was humiliated. He said he had to put on a turkey suit that was itchy and smelled like burnt hair. He said he was also sucker punched by Foley. He said not one day has gone by that he hasn't thought about that. He said he's been waiting a long time for revenge. He offered that Foley fight the both of them in a handicapped match. He asked Jarrett if he should talk to him because he's the one "with all the stroke." Jarrett said he got the right guy and he's got the match.

-They went backstage to Jeremy Borash interviewing Foley. He said he doesn't know what to say, so he's going to borrow lyrics from "K.C. and the Sunshine Band." He said: "Because that's the way, ah ha, ah ha I like it." Foley said he's looking forward to the match because the Guns are sizzling hot these days. Foley said he's going to tweak the match a little, though.

[Q2]

[Commercial Break]

-Foley approached Jarrett backstage and said he's got one heck of a main event. He said he wants to tweak it a bit. He began strumming a guitar and singing "Tweak it! Tweak it!" to Michael Jackon's "Beat it! Beat it!" Foley is finding his stride as a character in TNA now because he's obviously trying to be agitating and annoying rather than cool and funny, leading up to a "surprise" turn (but one that has a backstory that will make it make sense in retrospect) when he joins MEM. Jarrett threw his arms up and said whatever he wants. He yanked the guitar away from him. Foley walked away. Borash told Jarrett he doesn't seem like himself. He asked if something is wrong. He said Mick is just being Mick. He then asked if he's considering the Steiner thing. Steiner then entered the room and Jarrett kicked Borash out.

1 -- SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR (w/Kiyoshi, No Limit) vs. SUICIDE

Tenay said he's intrigued about Foley's planned tweak. West said Jarrett is drowning and Steiner is trying to throw him a lifeline. (I'm still wondering. Did Tenay sellout West at that production meeting? Tenay's never denied it.) Tenay said TNA has done everything to open the doors for him, so how does that translate into him being a victim. West said it's because in Tenay's mind and everyone else's mind, he's someone to fear because of his Middle Eastern heritage, regardless of his being born and raised in the United States. Tenay then instantly referred to him as his nickname, "the Middle Eastern Nightmare" in calling one of his holds, basically proving West right. Bashir scored a near fall at 3:00 after a flurry of offense. He then attempted to hit Suicide with a title belt as the ref was distracted. Suicide kicked the belt into his face. Kiyoshi then kicked Suicide. Bashir then finished him with a DDT on the belt for the win. Tenay said it was a four-on-one win, basically. The lights went out briefly and when they came back on, Suicide was gone!

WINNER: Bashir in 4:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Short, but fine. The interference was a little over the top and the ref looked like a total idiot for how long he was distracted by a No Limit member as it was all going on, but they're not ready to job Suicide under any other circumstances yet so they loaded up the interference and illegal moves to explain away the loss.

-Another "Cross the Line" video aired.

-They showed The Beautiful People backstage with scissors.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-Lauren interviewed Rhino and a Petty Officer Jesse Neal, a special guest of TNA. Rhino said Neal has a message for everyone. He said he joined the Navy fresh out of high school. He talked about a mentor of his who was also a fan of pro wrestling. He said one day they were attacked by terrorists and he got injured. Later he found out that his mentor and best friend was killed. He said that day part of him died inside, too, and he misses him, which is why he is in TNA. Rhino said he heard the full story and he said it'd be his honor to train him to be a wrestler so he can live that dream for both himself and the honorable man who lost his life in the line of duty. They hugged as Lauren wished them luck. She said they'd keep fans up to date on their progress.

-Tenay and West hyped the rest of Impact, upcoming house show dates, and Lockdown. West announced that at Fan Interaction on Lockdown Saturday, Jena from Survivor will be in attendance. Tenay threw backstage to a commotion.

-The Beautiful People were attacking Ryesha Saeed backstage. Velvet Sky cut off her hair as Saeed tried to cover her face. Tenay said, "Oh, is Awesome Kong going to be pissed off!"

[Commercial Break]

-A video aired on the Team 3D Academy training center. Devon said they started it after they left WWE and they were horrified at the lack of respect among young wrestlers and people with no business operating training camps trying to train wrestlers. Ray said they take pride in their students and putting good wrestlers back into the system. Ray said joining TNA Frontline is like being an instructor. Although they're far beyond wrestling students, they still enjoy passing along advice. Devon said a lot of veterans don't want to pass down the torch. Ray said the Main Event Mafia guys have been around a long time and know how to play the game, whereas some of the physically tough guys in the Frontline don't have the mental toughness. To be continued.

-Tenay interviewed Sting in a sitdown setting. He told Sting he never saw that chairshot coming. Sting said he was surprised because there was a 20 year history with him. He said from one old salty veteran to another, he knows he's going to start at the top. Tenay asked him to play psychologist and speculate what's going on in Foley's mind. Sting said he'd have to be a schizophrenic to get into the mind of Foley. Tenay asked Sting about his potential retirement. Sting said he's no spring chicken and that's no secret. He said he's one injury away from walking away for good. Sting said he's reminded of 1994 in Germany when he saw Cactus Jack wrestle against Van Vader and he was one of the guys in the back peeking through the curtain to see what was going to happen and he saw Cactus tangled in the ropes with blood on his head. He said he didn't think much of it because it was an every-night thing, but Gary Capetta came into the locker room with a human ear in his hand. He said, "Sting, I think I have Cactus Jack's ear." Cactus walked in a few minutes later with blood all over the side of his head and there was no ear behind his hair. Sting asked Cactus if he was okay. He said Cactus said, "I think I lost my frickin' ear." He said he had a big smile with missing tooth. He said that sums up his opponent at Lockdown. He said the setting is perfect for Foley at Lockdown in a cage with the right crowd. He said therefore it could be his last match.

-They showed an extremely angry (why?) Tenay responding to Foley's promo, calling him the most unpredictable man in pro wrestling. West said the cage is the most dangerous match in wrestling, but Sting has shown himself to be a survivor.

-They showed Foley heading toward the entrance tunnel for a promo in the ring.

[Q4]

[Commercial Break]

-Footage aired from earlier in the day of Lauren confronting Abyss backstage regarding Dr. Stevie abusing him at their last session. Abyss insisted they have a special relationship and that's how he disciplines him. Abyss tried to talk Lauren out of reporting him to the Board of Health. Lauren said she's going to his next session with Dr. Stevie. Abyss was panicked over that possibility.

-Foley stood mid-ring and talked about tweaking his match later against the Guns. He said the Guns are great wrestlers who would push him to his limits. He held a notebook and said it's the beginning of his next book, "Crossing the Line." He said he's tweaking the match because of what's in that notebook. He said recently he was at a basketball game for his 17 year old son, Dewey, whom he's been writing about since he was an infant. He looked over at his wife and whispered to her that Dewey looks ridiculous with his haircut. His wife told him to let him have his own style because they don't bug him about his hairstyle. He said point well taken. He then noticed a birthday card on his refrigerator. When he opened it, there a picture drawn off the Motor City Machine Guns and it said, "Dewey, have a great birthday. MMG 24/7, 365." He asked Dewey what that was about. He said he wears his hair that way because he wants to be like Alex Shelley. He showed a picture of his six year old son Huey, with long wavy blond hair. He asked for a collective "ohhh!" He said then he went on the road for a few days and found his six year old looking different. He showed him with dark hair and an Alex Shelley style haircut. Foley said this is where the tweaking process comes in. He said he's going to make it a First Blood match. And to be sure there's no interference and Sting has a great view of what's on tap for him, he wants him at ringside as a special guest enforcer. He invited Jarrett to be at ringside, too, "to do whatever it is that founders do." He said he's done his best to make his home a Machine Gun-free environment. He said by the time he's done, no child will want to look like Alex Shelley again because he will carve that man up like a Thanksgiving Turkey. Tenay wondered who'd bleed tonight on Impact.

-Borash interviewed Booker T backstage, who had Angle and his security duo with him. He asked Booker about Sharmell's condition since Samoa Joe carried her away on his shoulder. Booker said normally he's joking around, but this is serious business. He said he's the best entertainer anyone has ever seen, but he can't summon that today. He said his wife hasn't been the same since that happened. He said he wants Joe to know that what happens tonight will be left up to his imagination. He then walked away. Angle then walked up to Borash. He said he may be the leader of his team at Lethal Lockdown, but what happens tonight is personal and not about getting the advantage at Lockdown. He said if he wants to unleash his Nation of Violence, unleash it on him. He said the Tribal Manslaughter ends right here, right now.

[Commercial Break]

-A.J. Styles caught up with Joe backstage during the break. Styles said if Joe's going out with Booker, he's going out with him. Joe said, "As far as you're concerned, my Nation of Violence is a Nation of One." He walked away as Styles said, "Really?"

-Only four minutes of wrestling in that entire first hour. That really isn't enough.

[Q5]

-A video aired promoting Lethal Lockdown.

2 -- SAMOA JOE vs. BOOKER T (w/Kurt Angle) - Lethal Lockdown Advantage Challenge

West wondered what unspeakable things Joe did to Sharmell last week. Who are fans supposed to root for here? Is there any top singles wrestler in TNA worthy of cheering? Joe charged to the ring and gained the early advantage on Booker. Angle tripped Joe coming off the ropes. Angle handed Booker a chair. Styles ran out and jumped Angle. West said Styles can't even take instructions from Joe. As Booker set up an axe kick, Joe surprised him with a snap powerslam for a quick clean win. West said it took help from Styles to make it happen.

WINNER: Joe in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-As Booker willingly returned to the back after the loss, with just a little trash talking thrown the direction of the man who kidnapped and did who knows what to his wife last week, Tenay said next week Kevin Nash will face someone in the rubber match.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay and West hyped the line-up for Lockdown.

-A video aired of ODB on her date with the winner of the contest. They were wandering around the Woody Woodpecker Roller Coaster. ODB said she's been introduced to the Pecker a few times. Her date hugged a Woody mascot. ODB tried to get him to take it easy on him. Her date freaked out at the site of a fake shark. They left with big stuffed animals he won. He called it the best day of his life. He then looked at her and asked her if she had fun. She moved in for a kiss on the cheek. He celebrated by kicking heels together and squealing like a pig.

-Another "Rough Cut" segment aired on Team 3D. Ray said it's honorable to be talked about as one of the all-time great tag teams. He said they rank in the upper percentile after 14 years. He said people come out to see them still, "so I guess we're successful." Devon said if you've enjoyed the first ten chapters of their careers, you'll enjoy the next ten. He said if you go on the number of their tag team title reigns, their legacy is pretty secure. "If there's a title to be won out there, they've won it," Ray said. He then listed all of the organizations in which they've won tag titles.

-Tenay plugged Scott Steiner vs. James Storm up next.

[Q6]

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Nash and Jenna from Survivor sharing an intimate smile backstage.

-Lauren interviewed the Guns regarding facing Foley later. He said Foley's 20 year legacy is all fine and good, but they're so confident they're going to beat him, they'll put up the IWGP Jr. Tag Titles. He said he can take them back to Japan with him if he wins. Chris Sabin said they wouldn't have challenged Foley if they didn't know for sure they could beat him. He said he can barely get out of bed these days, much less wrestle. (That is the elephant in the living room with Foley.) He said they're ready to make a name for themselves. Shelley said there's another ticket for the Gun Show, but he told Sting not to wait for them to issue the challenge.

3 -- SCOTT STEINER (w/Kevin Nash) vs. JAMES STORM (w/Robert Roode)

Team 3D joined Tenay and West at ringside. Tenay said it's quite a statement for Team 3D to say their tag title match at Lockdown is the biggest of their careers. He said being able to hold both TNA's and New Japan's tag team titles at the same time would prove they are unquestionably the best in the industry today. Steiner controlled the match early including going for a pin after an elbow drop, but getting up after a one count and doing push-ups instead. Ray said Scott once had a good team with Rick, but they've long ago surpassed them as a team. As Storm made a comeback, hitting a suplex and getting ready for his finisher, Nash hit him in the leg with a pipe, prompting a DQ. Nas then threw Steiner the pipe. He used it to stop a charging Roode, then gave him a lame-looking strike to his back (there's a happy medium, and that wasn't it). Team 3D made the save. The two teams that will face each other at Lockdown stood with an uneasy truce in mid-ring.

WINNER: Storm via DQ in 4:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

[Q7]

[Commercial Break]

-Borash was at the "set" of The Beautiful People. He said he has late-breaking news regarding a major personality in the wrestling business working for a major wrestling company believed now to be making his way to TNA. He then interviewed Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Madison Rayne. Love said she's going to get the TNA Title at any cost. She said they've said they're going to cleanse the world one ugly person at a time and that's exactly what they're doing. She said that's why they left Ryesha in a pool of her own blood and vomit. She said as disgusting as that was, they did it for a reason to be sure Kong is standing alone in the ring tonight. She said Kong is long overdue for her own makeover.

4 -- MADISON RAYNE & VELVET SKY (w/Angelina Love) vs. AWESOME KONG

Tenay said neither Love nor Sky have ever held the TNA Knockouts Championship. Tenay thanked viewers for setting another viewership record last week. Kong set up an Awesome Bomb on Rayne. Sky broke it up, but Kong rolled up Rayne for a leverage pin a second later.

WINNER: Kong in 2:00.

-Afterward, Love, Sky, and Rayne triple-teamed Kong. Taylor Wilde made the save.

-A video aired on Lockdown's Six Sides of Steel.

-They showed a split screen of the Guns and Foley heading toward the entrance tunnel.

[Commercial Break]

[Q8]

-Borash congratulated Jarrett on his DVD coming out on Wednesday. He said he's seen it and it's "fantastic!" Borash asked him what happened with him and Steiner. Jarrett said he's not there to talk about that. He said next week on Impact, the captain of the team will name the fourth member. He said he's a former TNA Champion and he'll take on Nash for the all-important advantage at Lockdown.

5 -- MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. STING

First out were the Guns, then Sting, then Foley. Tenay said he just received word he won't be coming to ringside. Instead he's watching on his office monitor because he doesn't want to confuse or crowd the issue. Foley wore a leopard print shirt and sweat pants and tennis shoes. Foley said he's upset because he wants to be his kids' idol, not have them be fans of the Guns instead. When Foley went after Shelley at ringside, Sabin leaped off the ring apron and nailed Foley with a dropkick. Foley bumped hard to the floor with a thud. The Guns hit Foley with a double dive through the ropes onto Foley. Shelley and Sabin posed in the ring as they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break the Guns dropkicked Foley's head from two sides, crushing it between their feet. Ouch. Sting didn't like Sabin imitating his yell mockingly, so Sting yanked him to the floor and gave him a Scorpion Death Drop. Foley then gave Sabin a double-arm DDT. Foley pulled out his trademark sock and shoved it into Shelley's mouth. Shelley flung himself to the floor. The ref said he thought he saw blood on the sock and was about to call of the match. Foley stopped the ref, who was intimidated and didn't call for the bell. Foley then suplexed Shelley on the concrete. Foley then said: "This is not what I promised, this is not what I'm delivering. I told you I was gonna bust somebody wide open." He said he plans make Shelley suffer. He picked up a barbed wire baseball bat as the crowd chanted, "Foley, Foley." Sting stood up with his baseball bat in hand. Foley put the barbed wire up to Shelley's head, but then Sting hit Foley in the head with a chair. Foley began to bleed, so the ref called for the bell and awarded the match to the bleeding Shelley. Leave it to TNA to somehow even complicate and convolute a First Blood stipulation.

WINNER: Motor City Machine Guns in 8:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

-Foley and Sting brawled in the aisle. Tenay hyped the Lockdown main event. This is a match built around star power and not athleticism, that's for sure.

We suggest these recent related articles...

PARKS'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT 10/8: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Thursday show, including Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt & Braun Strowman

METZGER'S ROH TV REPORT 10/4 & 10/7: IWGP World champ Okada vs. Roderick Strong main event, plus Briscoes vs. Time Splitters, more from "Field of Honor," Overall Reax

MCMAHON'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 10/7: TNA Title Series kicks off, Bound for Glory fall-out, more; Overall Reax